The role you made me play Of the fool, no, I don’t like you I don’t like your perfect crime

*If parts are missing…it just is. The copy process was not great.*

Where to start?

Since officially divorcing, many things have happened, but parts of the past have been revealed. I feel happy to be done, but I also wonder how I became such a fool.

The past has come full circle, and patterns have emerged. Not with me, but with him.

I have a new group of friends. One of them worked with him after I had my youngest, RIGHT after. When we met through our third mutual friend, she told me that he asked her, while she was pregnant and married, to go get lunch. He did not wear his wedding ring that he wore home and he did not feel the need to share that he was married. In fact, while he was coming home all devoted to me, he was going around work known as the creepy guy who kept hitting on everyone. This is the same store I walked laps around while pregnant with that same baby. The same store in which I still visited for lunch on random, thinking it was weird he kept taking us around a corner. The same store we started dating in. The same store in which I worked in. The same store where I knew half of his co-workers. Silly me kept prancing in all happy and delirious in love looking like a fool. Part of me did not believe it, even if because he would have to be a special kind of dumb to do that when I stopped in when I felt like it, right? RIGHT??

Well, a few months ago, he added me a friend on Facebook. Yes, that’s right, the Facebook he used to use. I was not his friend, and he posted all the pictures I sent him to keep him in the loop. Besides a few articles about ‘pushing away the one you love’ or ‘what to think about before you say I love you’, there were photos and comments all cryptic. For example, the kids said ‘I miss them’ all woe is me the summer he chose not to see them for three months. Also, a post where we got married about how people change, but his life finally turning positive now. The sympathy for him from girl followers was slightly sickening.

It is important to add he only added me because he wanted to search my photo archives from usually inactive Facebook from our children’s babyhood, and I would not give him the old laptop which I still have in a closet. I’ve been connected to him since we were 19, married, and have two kids. We were sleeping together during our separation while he was with his girlfriend. Yet, I was not worthy to be his Facebook friend.

I am going somewhere with this, I promise.

My friend who worked with him today said she tried to find me on Facebook. I have a fun setting. I did way back when that meant you couldn’t ask to be my friend or find me easily. I’m a jerk like that and anti-social. I added her instead, and she has to go home; we both have kids. That means tonight, I can finally see her profile from whenever she added me. Looks like he is our mutual friend. How many other girls on there had no idea I existed. Maybe I should change my last name (married name) back to my name on my profile, but that would be spiteful. Also, I changed it so I could not be attached to the family name as it is not common, and I did not want to be found. My Google search to find me shows mostly professional connections, while this way, it is all private without it. I am the type to archive the pictures from my life on my photos, including my wedding photos, so there is that.

The one unexpected side effect of this divorce is the weird petty moments when I wish that I could hurt him or remind him of when he was a jerk (not that he cares) while also wanting to leave it all behind. There is much to process. One fun petty thought now that he finally added me on Facebook is that I joined the dating section. It would be really funny if one of his or her mutual friends popped up ay? That would be an interesting group hangout. He and his girlfriend, me and my boyfriend. I think it would be more intrusive thoughts, honestly.

That is another thing. He is with his old ex, who was married until September (they got together before either divorce), and there was a past…triangle action of spite when we were young. Now, they basically live together, and my kids have beds at her apartment. They call her kids step-siblings. Did I mention he asked for a divorce in July? Then she met them a few weeks later and has been on every visit since then. I personally do not care about what he is doing on that level, as I knew he was dating someone, and I assumed it was her when he asked for a divorce. It is the involvement of children and the rush I cannot get on board with. If I were dating someone, my kids would have no idea for at least six months and would not meet him for a while.

But this is about me. That is to establish how I was such a fool.

The last time we broke up before we got married, I broke up with him because I knew he was seeing someone. It was one of two girls, one of which was her. It did not matter to me. I was done with the games. I was about to move on to meet a new guy after taking a few months to heal. He texted me out of the blue, and I gave in. I thought all was good as he was over all the time and moved in shortly later. He had no time to see anyone else. Above that we were very…”happy”. He even asked me to marry him about a month after he moved in with me (this comes back later). He took over my cell phone bill and paid my rent. He took really good care of me. My roommates thought he was really good. The next month (yes, this was a three-month period), I was pregnant. While she was not planned, she was planned. My hormones got tired of hearing that I was not and hoped for a yes. He complied willingly.

When I was pregnant, I went down to our room for something and saw his phone on the charger. I had that girl urge to check it for some reason when I had not had that before, and when I walked in the room, I was secure in our relationship. It was a text from his now girlfriend asking if I got pregnant on purpose, like it was not a group effort. He walked in and made me feel guilty for checking his phone. I do not think I ever fully trusted him again in that way, but I tried really hard to. He never acknowledged the text or even that he was still talking to her. He also learned how to delete texts very well. I did not realize this yet.

Nevertheless, we kept going. Twelve years later, we are here. I would like to note the speed and the fact that I was charmed by him completely, as were my roommates. This gave me confidence.

The patterns…they keep playing. Now, I am the ex. He is ‘done with’, and it happened suddenly. He asked for divorce via text message at night while denying he had a girlfriend. I was not in the dark this time.

But he has been with her since this summer. He practically lives at her apartment. They are looking into buying a house. He is buying her a car. He asked my kids how they would feel if he proposed to her. If you look above, dear reader, that is a trend. And not for the first time.

When we first separated, he was offering me a third child to come back around the new year. By the end of January as I was slow to act, he was moving his new girlfriend he was ‘in love with’ into our house. He may have asked her to marry him, but I’m not sure. He said my oldest had romantic notions of them getting married on her own. But she did just as fast this time. His current girlfriend’s son calls him dad. Also, I gave up asking as I asked him for the consideration of knowing life changes for my kids, like change of address, future marriage, or siblings, before he tells them only so that I can be prepared when they come home. He said nothing like that was happening soon and he would tell me. I have heard what I know from my kid’s reactions coming home, good or bad. I asked once when he would not answer the girl who asked if they were going over to her house in front of me why he asks like that late via text. That it would be better for the kids if it did not seem like a secret. He just said ‘well, you know me,” to which I replied I used to. To be clear, I don’t ask them any questions except ‘Did you have fun?’ or ‘How do you feel about that?’ if they give me news. I vocally support him or, at the least, say that I hope he is happy, but it is his (their) business. That is the truth.

Besides my worry for the children involved, although I could wistfully think that when we are young, the scale of the first one to get pregnant gets the guy turned the wrong romantic result (although the kids are not something I regret). When I look back and review our history and his, which has this pattern of moving in with a girl early (one had daughters) and offering the world, my hopes are not strong.

Selfishly though, while I was not his first proposal, I worry how I did not see the red flags back then to become his wife and mother of his children. There were many girls who had the same treatment, but the first girl (I was second) recognized the overreach of the gesture as he was trying to get her to not break up with him and said no. What else have I missed? Honestly, I do not want to know. I feel stupid. I am beating myself up.

In my own life, I am good. One of my friends came to my daughter’s performance at school. He had to work. She ran up to her, hugged her, and complimented her. She is picking her up from school when I am working as there is this sickness passing around, and I do not want her to be around the baby I watch while sick. We hang out on the weekends and play video games in a way I could not do much when I was younger as I was too busy raising kids and being overwhelmed with life. I really was a most devoted wife and mother. My world revolved around them. Now, he has them every other weekend and I only have one quarter left of my degree. I can have fun for my own sake. I am on dating apps, although I have had no luck. As I said, I’m a good wife but not great at dating. The pool is bad, but I thought he was a good one. I do not trust my judgment.

All of the above history, and I feel like the broken one. It is easy to compare lives. In the end, I feel like I will be the one in a successful marriage with no regrets. For today, I feel like I am the one doing something wrong. I keep finding duds, including fun scammers. I am not in a rush. I’m not ready for a serious relationship. I would enjoy someone to do things within the male variety. Just fun things like the movies, dinner, Christmas lights, etc. Maybe mini golf or bowling! High hopes, I know. It is hard to compare his ‘success’ when I cannot find a guy worth talking to on the phone. I did not say I was a patient person. Maybe that is why his game of Let’s Move One Hundred Miles an Hour worked so easily. That is the way of fairy tales…but life is not a fairy tale.

How can I be so happy but so frustrated?

Thank you all for being free therapy 

And ladies, if he talks about how crazy all of his ex’s are or past in which he moved one hundred miles an hour to move in with someone. That is a red flag. And I have learned one of my flaws as young girl was red flags appearing green. I would do it all over again, but I am glad our romantic saga is done. If I am the villain, I am at peace with that because I know the truth. I am created by a past we started at 19, for better or worse.

Taylor Swift “Look what you made me do”

I don’t like your little games
Don’t like your tilted stage
The role you made me play of the fool
No, I don’t like you

I don’t like your perfect crime
How you laugh when you lie
You said the gun was mine
Isn’t cool, no, I don’t like you (oh!)

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me…
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do

I (I) don’t (don’t) like your kingdom keys (keys)
They (they) once belonged to me (me)
You (you) asked me for a place to sleep
Locked me out and threw a feast (what?)

The world moves on, another day another drama, drama
But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma
And then the world moves on, but one thing’s for sure
Maybe I got mine, but you’ll all get yours

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time (nick of time)
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time (I do it all the time)
I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me…
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do

I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams

I’m sorry
But the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now
Why? Oh, ’cause she’s dead (oh)

Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me…
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do

Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me…
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do

Source: Musixmatch

“It’s a new dawn It’s a new day It’s a new life For me And I’m feeling good”

There is something hopeful about a new chapter, however, if honesty prevails, there is a bit of sting in what has passed.

It has been a while since I updated you on what has happened, and the truth is that it doesn’t matter.

I am divorced.

What I told my family is that nothing big happened because it was nothing big. The fact that he only asked this time because he had a girlfriend instead of searching for one was nothing new. his girlfriend of choice is also getting a divorce. She is also a girl, and we have a history of using him to get back to each other when we were young is ironic, though.

Small-town kids, they kind of suck. Our kids go to school together.

The worse part of it was, I guessed it, and who. When he brought up or before he brought up wanting a divorce and he lied again. Like I said, nothing new.

This should not be normal.

The process was strange.

He told me via text. We planned the details in an hour over text. He did the papers online. A couple of weeks later, we met with someone to look over it all. That same day I was back in for an open court house and bam. Over ten years of marriage and almost seventeen years of a romantic relationship later… all terminated in fifteen minutes at a courthouse and a few weeks’ time.

The funny thing is that it doesn’t feel different. Only now, if I look at a guy and think he’s hot I don’t feel like I am being unfaithful. If I dream of a future with someone new, right now its the idea of what kind of man I would marry again, it does not feel like I am giving up. I tried and was faithful for me. He gave up, he moved on in the worst way. They are breaking up two marriages. Ours was fractured for the last seven years after the blows of addiction. Theirs was not. There are kids in both relationships playing together like its normal. My kids only found out less than a month ago after family holidays before that. After assuring them that it was not for anyone else a few weeks later they are all together on a visit. Including all the ones that follow. His mom told them that she liked her.

What all this has done is made me relieved that I can walk away. Not only can I walk away but because of his motivation we agreed on everything. The details do not matter. It looks a whole lot like it always has. Unlike the first time though there was no fight from either of us. We looked like two people who had figured out successful co-parenting without the drama.

The question is, why did I stay and why is it a relief?

The answer is my faith. If you know anything about Christianity it discourages divorce except extreme circumstances. It preaches hope when all looks lost. It teaches that a wife can redeem her husband. I believe in all of this.

I also believe in free will. I believe that despite the above some people will refuse to do their side. I don’t believe God wants his children sticking with abusers and cheaters. God loves everyone, especially his children.

The bible also teaches that if the non believer asks for a divorce then you are to give it to them. The funny thing is he has asked straight out of rehab (I told him to wait until he was more recovered then ask again) and after I caught him with a dating app on easter he asked if I wanted to ask for one to which I said wait a month and ask again. I would have said yes. I could not ask for my own sake, nor did I want to destroy my kids thought that easter was amazing. I did not want them to attach the two events together. That was a year or two ago. He never said anything again.

Now to be honest that is not counting the original time when we almost divorced but that was seven years ago. That is documented here.

My relief was the fact that he asked and we agreed. The agreeing took much longer last time and many hurt feelings. We do get along and co-parent well now. We have gotten better at it.

At the end of the day I am disappointed that the man that I trusted not only lied, but broke up two families to do it. All the while he acts like it the most acceptable thing in the world. He/They act like it is acceptable to do so and even normal behavior that all should be tolerant about. I did not realize that our moral compasses were so far away from each other. That opened my eyes.

The funny thing is when I was in court and was asked if my marriage was broken beyond repair, it was not his face that came to mind but hers. Not in a thought of jealousy or anything of the such but because his choosing to act this way made it so with me. Because when I was hanging out with a guy waiting for my last divorce as friends with a whisper of a chance, he tried to kiss me in a movie moment kind of way. When he got close the word in bold red letters marriage popped in my head. It mattered. When he was offered the chance of breaking up two marriages with an ex he acted like the past family holidays were nonexistent and that their reality was the normal one. Who he has shown me he is in the past few months in concerns to relationships and me makes it beyond repair. I will always be the back up or not enough. There will always be the hope of someone else for him. A way I lack even after all of my twenties and half of my thirties. Two kids and a marriage later, still I am not enough. To someone else I will be enough. To someone else I will be enough to fight for. Everyone deserves to be enough. The fact that I am not enough for him does not take away from me anymore. I know what I bring to the table.

I can thank him for that. He helped me grow strength at times through hurting me. It no longer hurts like it used to. The fact that he stepped back into our past with more consequence than three kids being immature showed me how much growth I have achieved. Instead of acting 20 again, I am exiting the situation and letting the chips fall where they might.

For my side: before he even asked an old friend and I started walking. I have a girls group with dinners of moms who also happen to have kids at our kids school. I have a support system in my family I nanny for. I am about to start my senior year of BA in psychology soon. I have felt like I was started to find my groove besides the loop in which our relationship was.

We went with my friend to a BBQ For memorial day which was fine. She said only that we needed to figure out what we wanted. After I told her she said I looked miserable. Now I don’t. It shouldn’t be that way. I am happy to be off the dollar coaster.

Lyrics

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by
You know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done, that’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
It’s a new life
For me

And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good

It’s something unpredictableBut in the end, it’s right I hope you had the time of your life

The irony is a…fudge bar. After posting about the weird peace in my life…this weekend just….but I digress.

Yesterday was good however, came the awkward money thing.

I am simple with money. No matter the relationship, I do not keep a tab. I do not worry about most technicalities. I assume that money has a way of shifting around. I had him pay for my headlights as I had not moved money around accounts. I then paid for stuff he needed from the grocery store. Tit for tat per se. I do not pay attention to you paid x, and I paid y, so you owe me z. Aside from that, I am still raising his children, so he has come through in a pinch. It has been this way for the whole time since we were 19. Yesterday he made it weird. First, he seemed surprised I was asking him to cover the headlight cost. It may seem an assumption on my part but, he has always covered that for me, even when separated. For example, when he was living with his girlfriend, our daughter broke the handle of my door and he fixed it with no hesitation. I was a bit taken aback by his surprise then. Then at the store, as I am paying for food for my house, I do not think but to add his stuff. He gets all strange and says well since your doing that forget about the headlight as what I am buying costs more. He had a strange notion to see how much, even though it was impossible. I told him to stop as it is annoying.

At the same store, I was pointing out that a tree was pretty wondering if it was real, as I assumed it was not. He seems to join my fascination about this tree which is nice if someone is paying attention to what you are. Then he says “my mom would love one in her yard”. Thus making me insignificant again. It is an annoying habit of his when he puts space between us for obvious reasons on his part. Although if you were to ask him, he would deny it all, so I don’t ask. Before it would matter but it does not anymore. I do still notice such things though like a mental library. I was just left so mad because I am trying to share my observations and it turns to someone else, even his mom (or maybe especially his mom?).

However, the night shifted back to family time and such. Being as that is what I care about more than anything about us romantically, I let it all go.

Funny though I bought hair dye and he asked if I planned to put it in our kids’ hair (I have before) and I said it depends on how much is left. He does not like this. But it fades so fast that it has never bothered me and they enjoy it. My oldest though pretty much told him that she did not care what he thought about it or whose experience he calls on for it ruining hair (someone with health problems). She tried to say he had no right to state his opinion which I corrected as everyone does. But I was laughing so hard at her attitude as she is an absolute daddies girl. That teen attitude is on its way around the corner.

He left last night saying that he would be over today. That was fine and well except the day got later and he kept pushing it back. There was talk about his dog and even early in the morning, I do not think I will make it. He kept telling the girls that he was not sure yet. At one point that it was up to me. He kept being bugged by them and he kept giving me his reasons to which he said all of the reasons. I am not getting in the middle of it with his kids. I kept them entertained and we painted.

However, the youngest was crying about him saying he would be over and he is not. So, I let her call him. He came over late and it was fine. I was just mad because no matter how legit your reason is kids will only see when you do not show up. I used to run interference for him when he did this stuff, but now I am tired of it. I shielded his actions before but it has been many years now.

My oldest said something significant though. After he left she was upset and cried (reverse as the youngest felt bad for his dog and shoo’d him out). She said that 1) she wished he was perfect. I told her that no one is. She said she was but she is only on the brink of teenhood. She also said 2) that she wished we could live together and we could live happily ever after. I told her the unfortunate truth that life is not a fairy tale. She knows, she has been through it before which is why I was heistant to let them know we were trying again until it seemed almost definite. She sees the crack again now. One day I want them to see a devoted, lasting relationship for their parents (albeit it seems separately).

The worst part was he was dodgy about me seeing his phone or being near it. I was writing on canvas with sharpie and he had left it face down (again) on my desk. When he got up he grabbed it and put it away even though I was not even turning it over or looking at it. I have not looked at it since easter. He has not left it face up since then either. My oldest wanted to show him how her name showed up on his caller id in his call log and he got sketchy and confirmed she was telling the truth instead if “showing mom”. I am so done. If I were to assume I would say he has a girl he is working on or dating. It could also explain how after spending much of the day with us yesterday he was so unavailable today. I would assume a girl would get suspicious if he spent most of the weekend with another girl, even if his children were there too. Even if I am wrong it shows how shattered the trust is, enough so that I could not trust him to tell me the truth. Honestly, I would think I would get as much respect as last time in which I caught them grocery shopping as they were moving in together AND he still lied knowing I had seen them. As I told the oldest, life is not a fairy tale.

For my song, I am going back to my roots. It hits on not getting where you had hoped but “I hope you had the time of your life”. Also, “It’s something unpredictable but in the end is right”. There has to be faith in that at least. I cannot change the past but I can have hope for the future, that is the only thing in my power at this point.

Also, I never knew that Good Riddance starts with the F bomb! Yeah that little surprise suits nicely.

Green Day

Good Riddance

Fuck

Another turning point, was a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end, it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and a good time
Tattoos of memories, and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end, it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end, it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end, it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Pritchard Michael Ryan / Armstrong Billie Joe / Wright Frank Edwin Iii

Good Riddance lyrics © W.b.m. Music Corp., Green Daze Music

“He is moving mountains Making a way for someone God is doing something”

Singer	Jon Reddick
Singer	Jon Reddick, John Jaszcz
Music	Church of the City
Song Writer	Jon Reddick

Life is weird. This is my struggle. In my last post, I updated…kinda. Essentially in that month, I have asked for it is strange how normal it is. Our lives are the same. Now to be fair, it is not up yet. He may yet ask for a divorce at the end, which I am fine with. The big goal is that HE calls it not me, so it cannot be thrown back in my face like a pie “Your mom wanted a divorce” (like he had no input in it).

“This is what you wanted…this mess is all on you!”

I realize this paints him in a not-so-good light. He really is not a bad guy. It seems most of our relationship breaks are down to “This is what you wanted” when the reality is that he was living with another girl at one point. Still, he signed the paper because “I wanted him to,” as I could not sit there hurting while he could not make up his mind between him and his girlfriend. It plays into people leaving him.

Alternately, it gave me a chance to readjust to this new information. It gives me a chance to clear my head, so it is not a knee-jerk reaction. Life is not different still.

There is a weird peace in my family that throws me off. We still text most nights, and weekends are spent on family outings. We were told twice what a great family we were during the first weekend. We spent a lot of time laughing and playing. After that, the time seemed too short. I found myself still thankful that he was the one that I made this family with. He still makes me laugh. He is still my friend. I just do not have any wish for us to be together because I will not be enough for him. I deserve to be enough no matter what life throws at us. I am not just a fish waiting on a hook to see if there is a better option.

Well, I took myself off the hook. It frees me up to focus on what’s next for me. I am not sure if he realizes it yet. I am not mad; I am not cold. I am simply embracing that I do care about him and always will. I picked him to start a family with. He still makes me laugh and feel better.

Once upon a time, we broke up. I was heartbroken. Do you know who comforted me after? Him. It helped. When we separated, I did not talk to him for a year. It was strange. At that time, I did not miss my husband. Yet, I wanted to tell my friend when something good happened or bad. When the kids did something cute, I wanted to tell him. It was the platonic kind of love that I desired. However, it always turned back. It was annoying.

So now I am sitting here enjoying my friend, enjoying my family. I am okay. I am happy.

Here comes the song. It played on the radio when I was at work.

It got me thinking. I know God is at work. I know he is working. I know he can do whatever he wants. He is God in this case. God can make all things new. God can turn dust into a man. I have left this relationship in his hands for a while.

When I heard the song, I realized I did not even know what it could even look like to turn it around. The trust is gone, and he has shown more times than he can easily turn away. This time he had no visible feeling behind it. There was not even an acknowledgment. All I got was, “It seems your mind is set. What do you want to do?”. It seems that life is simply what happens to him, even if he played a key role in getting there.

So, what does turn it around mean? Would I even recognize it?

Until then…I can be found here in the space below. I will be enjoying my family and my job. Who knows when the storm will hit, so I will enjoy this…

Verse 1:
I’m praying for God to come
And turn this thing around
God turn it around
God turn it around
God turn it around

Verse 2:
I’m calling on the name
That changes everything
God turn it around
God turn it around
God turn it around

Chorus:

All of my hope
Is in the name
The name of Jesus
Breakthrough will come
Come in the name
The name of Jesus

Verse 1:
I’m praying for God to come
And turn this thing around
God turn it around
God turn it around
God turn it around

Verse 2:
I’m calling on the name
That changes everything

God turn it around
God turn it around
God turn it around

Chorus:
Cause’ all of my hope
Is in the name
The name of Jesus
Breakthrough will come
Come in the name
The name of Jesus

Refrain:
God turn it around
God turn it around
God turn it around

Bridge:
He is healing someone
He is saving someone
God is doing something
Right now
Right now

He is moving mountains
Making a way for someone
God is doing something
Right now
Right now

Chorus:
All of my hope
Is in the name
The name of Jesus
Breakthrough will come
Come in the name
The name of Jesus

Refrain:
God turn it around
Turn it around oh
Oh

Refrain:
God turn it around
Turn it around
Turn it around

“I swear I thought you were the one forever But your love was like a loaded gun You shot me down like everyone’ Cause everyone’s replaceable When you’re just so incapable of getting basket deep”

Not to be dramatic or anything but some things lately have all been playing in my mind. Two media causes are quite simply timed well. One, Steve Harvey had a clip on Instagram. A lady was saying she had been with a guy for six years but something or another had not been good. That is not the important part. She asked if she should stay or not as she REALLY did not want to start over in the dating world. Relatable. He asked how things had been and could she take another six years of how it was if there was no change. That hit me hard. We have been trying to ‘work things out’ for about four years. At least I thought so. There have been relapses and such. I am stubborn I refused to allow him to make an emotionally charged decision with a non-clear head. I gave space and time while being committed and faithful. “How noble” or braggy that may sound. The truth is less than. While that all was true and I cannot kiss or be unfaithful when I am married as I found out many years ago, there are other things too. Another element is, besides a pandemic, I am basically a single mom (I say basically as he does play an active role when he is there and I get child support) and my life has had to revolve around my kids. I am busy. I am a full-time student and a full-time mom. The status of my marriage status matters naught. It does not hinder my life as it stands and only helps it during tax season. In short, it does not affect my life usually. That may sound cold, but really I am logical to a fault.

Secondly, the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial is three or four weeks in at the moment. Besides some funny Johnny Depp humor and sad facts, it has brought to mind much is worth staying for? While I am not abused there has been addiction (and related things) and cheating (more on that later).

Now, as stated above the circumstances are very different but that first sentence “I stayed with her because I didn’t want to fail”. You do not get into a marriage and think “I really hope that this marriage fails!” No, you go in thinking you found forever. If mine ever failed, if this last (sober on his part) attempt failed, then I knew. There would be no doubt, well a livable amount of doubt. How we parted before there was no clarity. There was a conflict, drama, flirting, betrayal, and silence. It was almost finished off with a divorce while ignoring what happened. Until…..

After that, there was doubt, emotions, and drama. Honestly, I am tired of that story. I am over all that. This was a new thing. This was a fresh start to actually figure it out. It was our last chance.

Now, I must add a note before continuing. We were young and immature when we met. Our history has unfaithfulness in it. When we were young he would break up then get back together to make his actions “better”. Then there was a vengeful time for me when I used mind games to get him to cheat on a girl who egged me on a bit. Next was…confusing. Drama in the simplest form. Mainly, we cheated together on others. We were immature for sure and I do not recommend this path. It was also a short year-and-a-half or two-year span.

At about 20 I decided I was too old for all of it. I broke up with him knowing he was seeing someone else. I knew it was one of two people (spoiler it was the girl from the first time). It all came full circle too many times and I was emotionally and morally spent. I had to change my life. Shortly after he came back. We had a fresh start and it was a good one. This lasted many years two kids and one marriage. It was not perfect but it seemed that we had gotten over the stupidity of the past.

Then enter addiction. This I am tired of talking about. I left after a couple years of it. I left because of his choices, but I left. I think he still holds that against me, that I did not play house in the chaos. That I choose a healthier life for the kids. I did not want to leave. If it was just the two of us I probably would have stayed. I do not take marriage lightly.

Then he got sober and in the first year got a girlfriend. Honestly, for more, I have other posts. Then when all I needed to sign the paper it changed, my whole life. I needed to be SURE. I was not. I could not lie to a judge and say I was sure.

Even then as he was living with someone else, he only signed because I told him emotionally I could not do his back and forth. He had a foot in mine and one in hers. STILL…even though he was living with someone he made me call it. Until life got crazy and I said I can’t right now until I get my head straight. The important fact here is it was because it was ‘my choice’. When in reality he was the one being unfaithful in that case. How much of a mind fuck is that? Remember that, that is important later.

Next is the last few years. I tried. I was committed to my marriage. I tried my best. That is all I can say. Honestly, for every time I thought we were making progress he backed off without telling me anything. Suddenly we were more friends. But he did not cheat. If I had the chance to leave for the reason of cheating it was gone now. Not that I wanted to.

So medical problems led to an excuse for him to rewrite our timeline. Again I gave time. I supported him. I lived my life.

Enter easter. After church with my family, we came to my house. We had movies and family time. He fell asleep on the couch with our daughter. My phone was buried under the balloons on the floor and I had no idea where it was at the time. His was on the table and I went to unlock it to take a picture. There was a Tinder notification. Now that may seem innocent but not if you have a history of cheating. I took the picture and handed it back. I asked him about Tinder he said he had it before but deleted it. He had some reason but I got stuck on the lie. I simply said by the way there was a notification three minutes ago. Thank you for the clarity.

That may seem strange but hear me out. I had been asking for months if he was still in it and the answer was “I am close to figuring out what I want”. When I explained how it felt like he was pushing away from me he says “I can see why you think that”. There was a sign it was over here and “one day I want to buy us a house”.All I was asking for was clarity.

The frustrating part came later. I had simply responded with “Thank you” nothing else. As he was leaving for a dinner with his family we were not invited to he gave me back his house key.

Later, that night he texts me…not “sorry” or even acknowledging what happened or that he lied. No, he texted “Now that it seems like you have made up your mind. What do we do now?”

So now, he had a dating app and was being hot and cold but AGAIN (see I told you it was important) the whole ‘split’ was because “I made up my mind”. The obvious fault shifting so that again if we divorce “I made up my mind”. Worse, when I pointed out that earlier this afternoon I had a faithful husband who we were working toward a future and now I don’t” I was just trying to start a fight or argue. That is right because discussing it or making a point in why is starting a fight. How on earth does this make sense?

My only response was that he shook up everything and the fact that our kids just had a great family easter in their eyes that I needed 1) a month to adjust and 2) that we would stay as we were for the time. No kid needs to know that their desired family fell apart on an easter that they enjoyed.

Honestly, their life remains the same either way. We live so seprate and he is busy on weekdays. It simply kills their hope for a future under the same roof.

That was too long.

Here is the weird part. While I was at work, I was listening to music. All of the sad ones felt not applicable. I am not sad per say. I am tired. I am over it. I would rather be alone than have to deal with any more back and forth. The hot and the cold is exhausting. I know how to be faithful. I give everything I have to my relationships. After 15 plus years I know what I bring to the table. I know that I am worth more. More importantly, not only is there cheating (or the attempt to) there is not now nor was there before any sort of recognition or repentance. It was an utter ignoring and passing the buck to me ‘making up my mind’.

This leads to my last request from him. He has to call it. Being married does not change my life. It means family cell phone plans, car insurance, and such. If he wants to actually be single he has to call it. I do not want the story to be able to be told that he is the victim because I ‘made up my mind”.

In the end, the song stuck home the most. I feel sorry for him because unless he changes he will never know unconditional love from anyone. He will just cheat. It is not even “I hope she cheats”. This time I want to be friends still. Last time was emotion let’s try logic this time. That is all I have on that. I am glad I got it out.

Here is a word of caution. Be careful on dating apps ya’ll! There are people, like my husband on there. I am not sure why he downloaded it. I am not sure who he talked to or if he met anyone. If so she is simply another girl in his jar of hearts. I am not sure he knows how to commit to a person yet. He is in fact still married and he had not ever made his intentions known to divorce. He kept it and me on a shelf for a rainy day. He is probably not the only married guy that is “single” on there. Some probably live with a woman.

I am going to be single for a long time. I am okay with that. Ex-wife may be better than wife that is cheated on. It sounds harsh. It hurts my heart because the Dad he is and the friend he is, do not agree with that. Maybe someday he can figure out how to value himself enough, or maybe not. That is not my journey.

YOU SUCK AT LOVE

By Simple Plan

We started off incredible
Connection undeniable
I swear I thought you were the one forever
But your love was like a loaded gun
You shot me down like everyone
‘Cause everyone’s replaceable
When you’re just so incapable of getting basket deep
Woah oh oh
Guess what another game over
I got burned but you’re the real loser (hey!)
I don’t know (hey!) why I wasted my time with you
You’re bad news, a history repeater
You can’t trust a serial cheater
We could’ve worked it out but you suck at love
You played me like an amateur
Then stabbed me like a murderer
I’m left for dead, another one of your victims
It’s not like you’re unpredictable
But your act is so believable
I know it’s nothing personal
It’s just business as usual
You’re good at what you do
Woah oh oh
Guess what another game over
I got burned but you’re the real loser (hey!)
I don’t know (hey!) why I wasted my time with you woah oh oh
You’re bad news, a history repeater
You can’t trust a serial cheater
We could’ve worked it out but you suck at love
You suck at love
Now I kinda feel bad for you
You’re never gonna know what it’s like to have someone to turn to
Another day, another bed
It’s just a game inside your head
Woah oh oh
Guess what another game over
I got burned but you’re the real loser (hey!)
I don’t know (hey!) why I wasted my time with you woah oh oh
You’re bad news, a history repeater
You can’t trust a serial cheater
We could’ve worked it out but you suck at love
Guess what another game over
I got burned but you’re the real loser (hey!)
I don’t know (hey!) why I wasted my time with you
You’re bad news, a history repeater
You can’t trust a serial cheater
We could’ve worked it out but you suck at love

Source: LyricFind

Please tell me what you’re thinkin’ Last night we were more than fine Just tell me if you changed your mind If you changed your mind

My last post was an update; see mental health things and such. This is the trickle-down, the real reason for updating.

My relationship has been not a fairy tale. Maybe a twisted one. I am not claiming innocence, and everything just happens to me. I will say I have grown quite a bit in the last five-ish years and come to terms with myself, the good and the bad. I also developed some self-confidence. I know what I bring to the table, good and bad. I am a full-time single mom, and I have found my stride, mostly. There are preteen hormones, and my youngest getting her ‘big girl’ emotions in full swing. With kids, the circumstances constantly change. I am happy with my life.

However, I have started getting tired of being an option. The theme in my relationship is a game of hot and cold. I am the love of his life, or he is not sure. It seems once the “honeymoon” is over and the work starts, it gets cold again. It feels like a betrayal to say it. Mostly, I have become so independent that it does not phase me much. Lately, it has just been a disappointment. I keep expecting more because maybe this time. I keep being patient because “he is working through things”.

The kicker is that when I give the same indifference or just move on with my day and do not text first, he says he is getting mixed signals. The truth is, I am starting to simply mirror him back. If he is texting a lot, I am. If he does not say a word, neither do I. If he sits across the room from me, I let the space sit there. This is new. Before, I would seem to make him feel loved, or so that he knew I was really there for him. I am tired.

The kicker is, other than his comments on it (pot to kettle), he is still my best friend. I am still glad that he is the person I had these kids with for the rest of our lives. I have no regrets. I just get tired of feeling like an option. Especially 15 years, two kids, and always being there to support him. Nothing will do if everything I have done cannot convince him that I am not there for him enough. We walked off the brink of divorce. I have stood by him, except one selfish year when we first separated, through everything. I have forgiven everything, even things he has not done. That is not to say there is no fallout from choices, just that I forgive him. Maybe I have been too lackadaisical. Maybe the pandemic will bring lasting growth for him. I know God has a plan, and it is better than mine. I just wish I could get a glimpse. I am clinging to faith. Until then…

Honestly, though…all the dudes out there COMMUNICATE!!!!!!

Right now I am leaving the schedule open and the door. At least it cannot be said, even if he gets in his head and thinks so (which he does), that I was the one closing these doors and windows.

One wonderful thing I got after processing the emotions and crap from the separation is that I am okay alone. I can be a single mom. I want a partner, a nonconditional partner. I do not want bread crumbs for a meal. I guess that is true growth. In the end what he has said or done matters little to that. Only time will tell.

SONG LYRICS

Lyrics

Small talk, no conversation
That look makes me impatient
I can’t tell what you’re thinkin’
Please tell me what you’re thinkin’
Last night we were more than fine
Just tell me if you changed your mind
If you changed your mind

‘Cause I’m all, I’m all in
I’m callin’, no answer
But you text me when you feel like
When it feels right to you
But I’m all, I’m all in
I’m fallin’ faster
But if you’re looking at me
With a heart of doubt

Don’t kiss me right now
Don’t tell me that you need me
Don’t show up at my house
All caught up in your feelings
Don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t build me up just to let me down
Just to let me down, down, down (ayy)
Don’t mess with my head
Don’t tell me you’re falling
With your feet still on the ledge
I’m all out of breath
Baby, don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t kiss me, no, don’t kiss me right now
On your lips, just leave it
If you don’t mean it

Oh, yeah
You know you got me in the palm of your hand
But I love those hands
Oh, yeah
But you only let me hold you when he can’t
Yeah, I don’t understand

‘Cause I’m all, I’m all in
I’m callin’, no answer
But you text me when you feel like
When it feels right to you
But I’m all, I’m all in
I’m fallin’ faster
But if you’re looking at me
With a heart of doubt

Don’t kiss me right now
Don’t tell me that you need me
Don’t show up at my house
All caught up in your feelings
Don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t build me up just to let me down
Just to let me down, down, down (ayy)
Don’t mess with my head
Don’t tell me you’re falling
With your feet still on the ledge
I’m all out of breath
Baby, don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t kiss me, no, don’t kiss me right now
On your lips, just leave it
If you don’t mean it

Hurry home, let’s never leave the house
(But you don’t mean it)
Let’s stay in bed while all our friends go out
(But you don’t mean it)
Why you let those words come out of your mouth?
(If you don’t mean it)
You’ve been staring at me with a heart of doubt (ah)

Don’t kiss me right now
Don’t tell me that you need me
Don’t show up at my house
All caught up in your feelings
Don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t build me up just to let me down
Just to let me down, down, down (ah)
Don’t mess with my head
Don’t tell me you’re falling
With your feet still on the ledge
I’m all out of breath
Baby, don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t kiss me, no, don’t kiss me right now
On your lips, just leave it
If you don’t mean it

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Ari Leff / John Graham Hill / Jordan Richard Palmer / Michael Matosic / Michael Ross Pollack / Paul Jason Klein

Mean It lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Lauv & LANY – Mean It Lyrics – Genius

Update.

It has been a while. Life is crazy. In fact, it has been two years into a global pandemic. This post has nothing to do with that besides the whole theory that it has pointed out things in relationships due to the stress and strain that otherwise may go unchecked and challenge all sorts of things like mental health and addiction. We were not spared from this. Although it seems that it revealed how far apart we are.

This is about me, though. Let’s face it more than that, the past two years have had me making choices that I never thought I would have to. As a result, I have had to rethink my priorities and set boundaries that have quite frankly sucked.

Boundaries suck at first, but they teach you things about yourself and the people on the other side. From the beginning of my journey, I started putting my girls first. I walked out of my house because it was the best for them, when I wanted to stay and “help.” After a year or so, I took time to be as selfish as a mother of two can be.

Eventually, there was a balance in there before the pandemic.

In the first year of the pandemic, I took advantage of the domestic benefits while working from home. My girls were doing school remotely, and I was working remotely. So we had time and lived in a bubble for about six months. But unfortunately, while that was happening, I had to set boundaries in our lives that left lasting rifts. So I am still waiting to see how that will play out in the long run.

About a year later, it all changed. I was forced to choose between losing my job (I did not realize that until after) or, well, I would say my kids, but there was no choice. In this new world, childcare is not as accessible as it was, and there is none for a junior high aged kid. Not to mention the fact that schools were not in full time yet. Ultimately, there was no choice, I could not return to the office. I could elaborate but that was a year ago and simply another thing. I have been working different gig jobs for the last year, and I went back to school.

Honestly, I am living off faith at this point but that is another thing that I am okay with. It has helped me grow.

I have more but that is another subject. I will leave this as an update for now.

I got a short attention span, cause i am an american Must be something in the air

First, to be transparent usually I have a vague idea of the theme of song I use, rarely a certain song. There is some interesting stuff. This guy is my most surprising yet. I was going for more poetic and less satire but here we are!

My last post I talked about how I am committed, like unnaturally so. There is one HUGE exception to that. Projects.

Last night, I finished my paint by numbers I started some time in 2020. I usually finish my latest, buy a new one and take forever again. There has been a few exceptions which are ones I bought in mind for others. Those I usually finish in a month or two. Some I simply see and like them.

NOT MY PAINTING

It is not limited to that either. I am currently ‘working on’ a blanket I have been knitting for 7 years. It is not difficult. I just need to work on it. To be fair it is for my husband and we were seperated for a while. Also, if it had been done before that point it would have been destroyed or gotten rid of. Best case it would have been in the storage unit that did not get paid for so it went to auction. That would have been frustrated.

The thing with me is if I make a project for a person it HAS to go to them. Once I started a scarf for a friend that I ended up losing her friendship. I never told her about it. I was watching her brothers kids at the time. Him and his wife went on vacation. I gave it to them to give to her as ‘something they picked up for her somewhere’. If they never followed through, I do not know, is no longer on me. I could not give it to anyone else though.

I do not always take forever. One year I made two big baby blankets, one for my mother in law and assorted other knitted gifts for christmas including knitted caps for my neices and nephews. All this happened in about six months. This also happened over a year before I started my current blanket.

I am not limited to crafting projects. I started this pandemic doing a work out daily plan. I made it over 90 days. I got into shape. I no longer do it. That is right I have been in this pandemic state for long enough to go in and out of shape.

There is also vitamins, skin care and just about anything else you can imagine.

That does not mean that I lack follow through. I did resin projects that I only stopped I ran out of resin. I ordered a different type and used all that. If you do not know resin is not cheap. I find myself not justifying buying more at the moment. I want to soooo bad.

I did Keto awhile back. I did enjoy it alot. But I worked in office full of other Keto people. Across the parking lot was little owner run cafe. That meant that if I got really hungry I could call across for food and walk to pick it up. I did lose the weight. An added bonus was that the no bread cut out alot of sweets. I stopped. I do not know why. I keep saying I will again then I buy oreos or bagels. No self control 😛

There really is no deeper meaning in this post. I was just thinking that my last one did not show all of me. I am feircely loyal and committed. I am also so very flakey. The whole part of this is to be open. This is huge because if you knew me I am either very guarded or very open, like please stop TMI. All or nothing.

I am however very straight foreward when asked a question. I will answer honestly. Beware of what you ask.

Also, beware of hoping I will be non guarded with you. I really have NO FILTER!

Short Attention Span

Mucky Pup

Album Five Guys in a Really Hot Garage

 

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN LYRICS

I got a short attention span, cause i am an american
Must be something in the air, fast food, t.v., i don’t care

Home of the big cars, home of the soft minds
Just the thing, that i despise
The kids can’t read, and the kids can’t spell
I’m telling you mom, this place is going to hell

America is the, drive-thru nation
Everybody’s got their own, television station

I come from the, velvetta generation
Keep it simple, cause i can’t deal with complication

Wow – growin’ up american
Yea – we’re growin’ up american
Wow – growin’ up american
Yea – that’s grown’ up american

I said money, money changes everything We think we know what we’re doin’ That don’t mean a thing

This is a different, less personal post. I guess it is a bit but not about relationships.

My favorite thing to say when I do something that that my husband may not like, or would be surprised, is ‘I did a thing’. I got their long hair cut to their shoulders…a text with a picture of half cut hair. Big messes like hair dye and resin. My personal favorite, and often played, when I somehow get food burned onto the bottom of the over…again. This last one I have done a lot. It also means on his limited time he has off, before he can cook dinner, he has to spend about an hour scrubbing out my oven. I am SO good at that. When I say ‘ I did a thing’ I can only imagine that he is mentally saying ‘oh crap’.

This title is about money, so it is not about an oven. This thing I have done, I do not plan to tell. It will be great or really bad. The obvious answer is to write it in a blog then right? Well, it is not a huge thing. But it is scary for me. I have downloaded Stash (well awhile ago) and have invested a little bit in it. I cannot say I have made great gains or losses. It is easy. I am basically going off the theory of do not gamble what you cannot lose. The what if it is something good keeps coming to mind. If it ends up being big when I am ready to retire that would be so cool. If the US economy crashes my little experiment that is okay. What if it ends up big though.

What if this is the one thing I am doing right? Okay, not the one thing. I know that I did the right thing with my job, even though I am not employed. What if this was a right money move? It is my small glimmer of hope that this was a good risk. I guess time will tell.

I know there are alot of different views of stocks. I am on the fence. I have seen people do good and others not so much. The economy is..well… no comment. I do not have much to make an accurate prediction. I mean look at the Gamestop thing. It was like hacking the stock market.

Money is hard. The advise given is like parenting advise. For every one side of opinion there is the other side saying that what they said is wrong. I have messed enough with money be it my choice or going along with what someone else says. We have lost cars, went bankrupt and other mistakes.

Now, we are living in an ecomony that makes it almost impossible for most people to have a one income house hold. This was not true even when we were a young family. Our start of family was him working at walmart supporting our child and me. Hopefully the future flows that way again. Or some other solution hits.

For today I am unemployed with a tiny bit of money on a stock application. Maybe I should persue a MBA just to understand how it all works. I cannot be the only who thinks that the days of trading goods was simplier.

Lyrics

She said, I’m sorry, baby, I’m leaving you tonight
I found someone new, he’s waitin’ in the car outside
Ah honey, how could you do it
We swore each other everlasting love
She said, well yeah, I know, but when we did
There was one thing we weren’t really thinking of and that’s money

Money changes everything
I said money, money changes everything
We think we know what we’re doin’
That don’t mean a thing
It’s all in the past now
Money changes everything

They shake your hand and they smile
And they buy you a drink
They say, we’ll be your friends
We’ll stick with you till the end
Ah, but everybody’s only looking out for themselves
And you say, well, who can you trust
I’ll tell you, it’s just nobody else’s money

Money changes everything
I said money, money changes everything
Ya think ya know what ya doin’
We don’t hold the strings
It’s all in the past now
Money changes everything

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Money, Money changes everything
I said money, money changes everything
We think we know what we’re doing
We don’t know a thing
It’s all in the past now
Money changes everything

Hey, yeah, yeah
Money changes everything
tMoney changes everything now
Money changes everything
Money changes everything
Money changes everything
Money

Bag full of wishes, but they seem to never work *It’s crazy how fast you went from sweet to so cold *And now it’s ’bout that time that I should really let it go

e This song is about love or sex…but tonight it is about life paths.

How can you tell?

I like rules, I like order. I like knowing what I should be doing. If I had a map to life it would be boring but so nice right now. Life does not come with a map though. I am kind of over that though.

Lets be real. If life handed me a map and rule book, I would have said ‘screw you’. I would have done it my way because ‘you can’t tell me what to do’. Aren’t we all so ironic. I say we all because I know I am not the only one sitting in this camp. Is it a grass is always greener thing? I am not sure.

I feel like I am floundering here jumping from one pool to another. Maybe this water is right, no maybe this one. Then back to the first.

Okay, that is just a funny take.

The most ironic part is that I am loyal, like to a T. If you were my friend ten years ago, we have not talked in seven, and you need me…just call me! I have been in love with the same guy since I was 19, and he was the first guy I was REALLY attracted to in high school. If you have read any of my past blogs you know it is not always a walk in the park.

Even now he has his stuff, I have mine…and we are in the stage where kids get in the way of other activities. We have not had a real date in seven years. It does not mean that we were not committed or enjoying eachother, it is simply oppertunity. In the past a movie after the kids finally went to sleep had to do. Then there were the years my youngest was a baby. We slept in shift because he worked in the morning and she did not sleep until very early in the morning. I stayed up all night, he woke up at something AM and it was my turn. Two ships passing off the cargo in the night.

Honestly, our split was not so surprising due to stress and no give. We were stretched to the brnk and it broke us both. I am not blaming my youngest, never. She is a light in my life. It was simply a factor that got put on the top of the pile. The pile we had been working on since we were 19.

I digress. I was talking about LOYALTY.

We went through some crap, and I stayed. I left because the kids did not need to be around him that way. Dad needed to be a good guy, eventually they would have seen stuff. They did not need to see more stuff. The day I packed my youngest was playing on her sitting push car happily. I preserve that memory in a sad/happy space. She never realized the unhappy moments. She was too young. That moment was why I left. The night before too.

It was not lack of love, but the ultimate show of it. I am sure he did not realize that then, I do not know about now. I was hoping that he was going to hit the bottom and get better. I was not throwing in any towels. The rest is what it is.

I mean I had a great guy, who showed me what its like to wait for you to be ready. To make you feel worth it. He is in fact the next greatest fling in my life. No one really knows though. My husband and few others do. It is not a public knowledge thing, nor my finest moment. He still has a ‘box’ in my closet though. Part of me hopes he finds this and understands what I could not say to him. It was me. I was otherwise committed in my heart. The lines got blurred for me but I could never jump over that line. I was married legally…and I could not forget that. LOYALTY. Until that legality was cut off, I was stuck. We never got there though.

I went into a limbo of what do I want to do and I did not want to make any big decisions…so I was married. He was off doing his thing but I could not. LOYALTY.

It is not just to him I was loyal to every job I have held.

BUT what happens when you have no place to put it?

I am looking for a home to place it. I want a place that will be loyal to me as well as me to it. A place where I am making a difference. I just do not know what that looks like.

Watching Private Practice does not help. A family of doctors. There for eachother. Does that exist in real life? I can only have faith that it does. Until then I am holding on by a thread…good thing God is my safety net.

Good thing God is more loyal to me (and you) than I could ever be to anything or anyone (including Him). He is a good strong hold because oh boy am I weak.

Lyrics

SHOTS IN THE DARK

TRIPPIE REDD

Yeah, yeah

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

You’ll always be on the same shit, and I know
Bag full of wishes, but they seem to never work
It’s crazy how fast you went from sweet to so cold
And now it’s ’bout that time that I should really let it go
But I’ll be back again, you’re my medicine
I can’t go a day without that feeling and you know
Feelings rolling in, back to feeling dead
Hard to understand it, but I’ll never let you go

It’s a twisted love (ooh-ooh)
Nothing here could save me
Don’t feel right without you (ooh-ooh)

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

You use to say you’re in love
But you’re not, and that’s okay
You’re never playing fair with your heart
Shawty my Mona Lisa, love all of her features, yeah (beautiful)
She a fine work of art
I completely understand that you’re mine after dark
Know your mind, body, and soul ain’t ready for the love scars
This Hennessy been liquid gold and it’s cripped a broken heart
Tryna find your love again, yeah

It’s a twisted love (Ooh-ooh)
Nothing here could save me
Don’t feel right without you

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred (scarred)
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark
Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard (hard)
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark