You can’t always get what you want…can you?

When I was in my teenage years I started noticing that I got what I wanted even if the results were not ideal. It wasn’t just me who noticed either my friends were a bit shocked by it to. The pattern continued even into my adult years. I never had the “charmed life” though because there was always a down fall to it.

In my adult life the downfalls have become a lot more life altering. There was point in his…drama…that it was easier to run the household by myself. At the most chaotic I wished if he didn’t stop I could d it on my own. Well here I am doing it on my own and it sucks. I do not miss the drama but I miss the good times. I miss my best friend. Now my wish is that he gets better from his “stuff” with or without us ending up together. I  want a better version of our lives, one centered on God. It is only right as for right now only his intervention can save us.

I also find myself dreaming of the future I want while the present isn’t so easy . Here is my dream:

There is a house that has enough space (and bathrooms) for my girls, my husband (I hope it is him but I want Gods will done not mine) and me. There will be animals, lots of them. You know the Mom that lets you keep the hurt kitten? That is me. I like fences, not the kind that keep people out, the kind that makes you want to come in. Rose bushes and flowers everywhere. A few trees and plants for wandering wild animals. I would love a gazebo and willow tree however it isn’t a must.

My husband will lead the house hold in the way Christ leads the church. Our household will work with him being the head of household. There is a song “Lead me” I always pictured it working like the song is asking for:

Lead Me

Sanctus Real

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone.”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone.”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up

I’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

I will work from home part time if I feel like it, but stay home by choice. Not because I need to or have no training. I will have shown my girls that they can make it on their own but that is okay to let a man lead. I will have shown them how they deserve to be treated.
That love doesn’t mean putting up with being treated badly. That they should be treasured. Also, that marriage is work. That it is worth it even if the road is hard and not ideal.

Most importantly that God can make beauty out of our messes we get ourselves into. That he can work in all circumstances. That even if we aren’t in a fun place and it may hurt that we cant choose to praise him and be thankful. That it is a choice to be happy no matter what else is going in. That being mad and holding a grudge only hurts themselves not the other person. To love everyone especially when you don’t like them or their actions. That they aren’t responsible for other peoples actions or feelings. That they can move mountains if only they have the faith that they can. To have their faith be bigger than their fear.

Who do you REALLY know…

There are these posts about “To the guy who..”, I wish I were that poetic. All I have is a crazy jumble in my brain screaming to get out, to understand all this. Do I really understand what he is really thinking. Can anyone understand what anyone is thinking? He misunderstands a lot of what I do and say. What am I misunderstanding?

Fight or flight comes to mind a lot these days. We are either fighting for something or running from it. From me. Am I fighting or running. I am fighting, but it is it for the right things? I really wish there was an instruction manual, WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE ON A UNWANTED BREAK FROM YOUR RELATIONSHIP. His choices pushed my decision, but I put him on a lets not work on our relationship for six months so we can both figure out our own stuff. His isn’t mine to talk about. Mine are mixed feelings towards him I am wildly attracted to him and so mad at him. It is too easy to blame him for little wrongs when the reality is he is human, just like me. He makes his mistakes but he isn’t all evil villain. Maybe there never was one. I just want to skip to the ending when he isn’t trying to get a divorce because I can only assume he thinks I gave up on us. Reality is if I just went back nothing would change. We need ground shaking foundation destroying change. If the earthquake never happens you wouldn’t rebuild a wall better then it was before. You would have the old wall you stare at saying “man I should change everything wrong with it and make it more stable”. Eventually the wall crumbles on its own with a worse outcome. It appears that I am taking the easy to a lot of people, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I told the love of my life that I can’t talk to him or see him. I am constantly wanting to say I am sorry  for it but I am not. It is just very painful. I am fighting for a better life for my girls and I. I have to show them that they can make it on their own and to be treated like queens. They watch me on how to become a grown up. No pressure right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Beginings

Life is a very fickle thing. You go around thinking that you have it all figured out and then BAM! I started my fairy tale with my prince charming on his white horse. There were always bumps along the way but that will work out eventually right?

Ten years later and two kids, I am wondering how my good relationship went so bad so fast in the end. Wondering who this stranger is that looks a lot like the love of my life. Trying to dissect his actions with an unattached feeling. Hope is not lost completely lost,  however OUR life is on a very weird pause. My life with my girls is beginning on my on two feet.

This is my new beginning.