I’ve been through so many changes I don’t know which way to go Yet I’ve got it so together I can see with my eyes open or with my eyes closed

I live a small town, not country style but in the everyone knows everyone to some extent way. We have one general merchandise store most people shop out or have or will work at. So it makes my situation harder because there is always some reminder around the corner. I have tried to avoid obvious place she works that we used to. There are places that should be safe then it get turned around there too. For example his grandmothers friend works at my daughters school. It always seems that when I let my guard down something happens.

The funny thing is the start of this story is my daughters and I driving to this place and my oldest says maybe one day our plan will lead us to moving somewhere else. Speaking the desires of my mind honey! I could use a clean slate for sure. So we are on our way to my nephews first t-ball game. Now if you follow kids sports there is months of practices and lots of games. Short, very long months. We did three years of soccer and oh man by the end of it you are so glad to be done. This is only game one! Well I show up late due to well trying to get kids ready. So when we get there we are only looking for “your” people. I find them and watch kids on the side lines and my nephew standing on the field not paying attention. Also those kids playing was adorable. The kid trying to steal home plate from second. The one who was the size of my two year old. I am just enjoying the time with family. I notice out of the corner of my eye my brother in laws ex-fiancé whom still talks to my mother in law. I smile as I have no thing against her and little care about it. She talks to a girl I went to school with. I am just thinking what a small world and then I saw the old school mates Mom who is my husbands old boss at said small town store. Convinced yet? Well I try to ignore them as I am only there for my nephew. My kid is not on the team so I do not have to sit through the practices. It only gets awkward when the “store people” kept looking at me and whispering. Now with this store you usually keep a link to the store especially when you hit management. So I have a feeling they know something, what I don’t know is what side of the story.

I do not want to be the girl you look at and whisper about be it poor her or man she is a an evil ex-wife keeping her kids from her ex-husband or something in between. I am okay with knowing there are people talking about their opinions because that is life. People judge based off what they see or hear and with whom they know better. I usually don’t care what your opinion is of me. To have people looking and whispering in a place that should be just family fun is driving me crazy though. I know that store is a hot spot of lots of information for both sides and the probability I will run into one of them or both of them. So I only got there when I need to. This isn’t even the other team they were playing. It was the same team so they will be there for every game…yay me. I was just glad that I had plans to go somewhere less then an hour into the game. I have never been so happy to leave a kids sports game.

Although it probably looked like I was running off to meet someone which I was just a group of moms. I know he will freak out when I am even if he has moved on. Which means that there is more added drama. I was once told that I don’t seek out drama it chases me. I really wish it would go away. Although if I am being honest I do have a tendency to straighten my thoughts by ranting. After I feel better and others not so much. That is partially why I started blogging, journaling, and even drawing. It makes it so I can clear my head. I process fast and bounce back however it does hit me hard.

On to bigger things though.  I start school next week I am so stoked. The only downfall is it is my oldest kids spring break. So on my school days I have to have someone with her. My youngest has day care at the school campus. On days like this I wish my hope that at least by now we could co parent to the point where I could trust him with the kids. But he is so…impulsive like he was when he was drinking and some red flags have popped up on visitations like he might be that I can’t. It is really hard to want your kids to have a relationship with their Dad but not being able to gamble with the risk. One day I hope to be there. Maybe this year. Until then I am dreaming of moving to a town where I am not connected to the things that happened in my life. I do not want pity or glares.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That every long lost dream lead me to where you are Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

When I look back on this journey so far I see a lot of good and a lot of bad. I see where I want to go and where I was. I am one of those people who when life is sucky takes assessment of everything around me. The past, present and future. It is weird thing because I wouldn’t have ever thought I would be here. So this is the problem with my little habit of doing that. It does however make me prepared for anything. I can look past the hurt into the future. That is when I am doing now.

Behind me I see the guy that I was going to spend forever with by my side and our house with a white picket fence. Well it was a wood colored fence. I see us dreaming of forever complete with sappy music. That got easier to leave because there was a huge fog over that dream. The future is good even though I cannot see it I can see the good in the bad. I just unsure of how it is going to play out.

It is the present and the way to the future that I am not liking the picture of. I have never been the type to say oh yay this is going to suck and be really hard but it is going to build character the fun way! No, I am more the well lets put on the big boy boots and trudge through singing because other wise it is the same as being stuck in quicksand. I put on a chipper face and act like snow white after the hunts man. Singing and dancing with the animals included. Some say that it appears that I avoid realities but really it is keeping positive through them. Honestly, who likes the guy grumbling about how hard life it when we are all going through our crap. Don’t get me wrong I may be more positive but I do still have the temperament of a red head. I tend to go off when I am trying to go through the things going on in my head. It can make me seem crazy but I go through my whole process in days that most people go through in weeks.

Now I am sitting here wondering how the heck I am going to support two kids while going to college? It would have been easier to stay and do it in that chaos, except it wouldn’t. I am just feeling like I will be stuck forever in this place even though I know it isn’t all bad. I just want to be able to support my new little family. I am just stubborn like that. I am just holding on to hope and faith.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
And others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know it’s true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yeah

And now I’m just rolling home
Into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
Ooh, ooh
That led me straight to you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m sick of all the insincere I’m gonna give all my secrets away This time, don’t need another perfect lie

Through this whole process the thing that has driven me the most crazy is the secret, lies and dishonesty. Even when getting caught more is said in the silence than ever is said in the light. Every time I think that we have reached the end there is more there again! First the trust was broken concerning drinking and money. Then I couldn’t trust what was being said to my face or behind my back concerning me. I was used as an excuse for why he was driven to drink. Some of it true out of context and some a straight up lie (such as I spent hundreds at a store daily to equal $8000). I started already looking into everything said and I sought to correct it, until I didn’t. Then I left and I was sure I could trust declarations of love and faithfulness. Until those stopped. Then I ask what is up if there is someone he is interested in seeing or is seeing as we stopped talking and the answer was no. Every time. The situation got weirder to the point where you feel it but he kept saying no! He said it was emotionally and financially too hard. Then suddenly there was a big push for me to get my stuff and any community property I want out of the house except a few things…in one weekend. I had tried before and he even said he may be out of town so I couldn’t. So again I ask and the same no answer. He claimed he was just giving my stuff out of the house like I wanted. About a week after I move my stuff out (days after our ten year anniversary) I see him grocery shopping with a girl and he sees me see him. So later I drive by the house and there is a new car in front of it. So I ask him again and no answer. He tells our oldest how he is with his close friend but still claims roommates. I even get a text from him asking where I saw our relationship going…huh? Is that a real question it seems you have made up your mind. But I figure at least the secrets are out even if he won’t tell me the truth. Two days later I get a text meant for her saying that he loves her. Even then he claims they are just roommates. Oy! At least tell the truth. But that was the setting free point for me.

Well today I got a text about data being full. So I get into our cell phone account and I see two new numbers on the plan. Funny thing is the data was at 3% with now five phones so I am unsure where that message came from. It may have been my storage data that it was referring to.

I am just tired of there being another secret hiding below the surface. At the age of thirty as mature adults I would hope we can at least call a spade a spade at least when we are caught in the act. This used to be the man I would trust my life with, no he is the boy I wouldn’t trust with my lunch. It wouldn’t be so bad if we were not permanent family with our two kids. I need to be able to trust him to some extent even if not his affairs which I don’t care about. It is the lying when you have been caught, they even told the cops they were just roommates the day I got the text saying I love you (That is another fun story I actually have little part in until after the fact). Why the lies! I am a very open, truthful person the majority of the time. The main times I lie are if you catch with my hand in the cookie jar per say but even then I usually admit is seconds after the “oh crap!” reaction. The one thing I cannot stand over all is lying and liars. I would rather hear the most painful truth then a lie. I would rather see the bumps ahead and have the bruises than find out later I missed part of the picture. Now this doesn’t extend to all thing like for example I have decided I do not what to know any details of his dating unless it will upset or change the girls lives like a pregnancy or marriage. I even do not care if he was cheating during the living together marriage because that would only hurt me. But if you are crying broke and adding two people to the cell phone plan, saying he can’t afford to keep me on it, that makes me mad. And if you are making it so I now know her number that upsets me because I did not want to know her name, where she works, even what she looks like. But now I know her birthday too! Two days before mine for anyone keeping track. I do not care when they break up  or if he moves onto another girl. I want to do me. So stop putting information out there where I can find it with out trying. I found out her name only to block her on social media. I do not feel I am asking anything unreasonable here.

He should be a little bit hipper to my personality as we had a love triangle with another girl before the last time we got together. After we got back together I asked questions a lot until the day I looked at him and said I know enough if I ask another question lie about the answer to make me feel better. By then it went beyond gathering information to a slight obsession and I just needed to stop, as I already knew almost everything from his view. I just want transparency from the person I am spending my life with even in this circumstance where it only co-parenting and we have separate lives. I wouldn’t tell him if I were seeing someone (even though I kind of teased him that it was possible yesterday)  unless he asked directly. I also wouldn’t tell my kids until it was serious either. My Mom and I talked about that and when it does come up they will come over to her house and spend the night or hang out. They wouldn’t know any different than normal.  You are probably thinking I am crazy for not wanting to know a lot or really just upset about the mistress. But my brain is weird. I have been labeled closer to a robot on how I process information and react to it. I am more logical than emotional. Alas, that is my rant for the evening. Be honest people, especially when you are caught. And men, if you have a girl friend leave her off accounts your wife or girl friend can see. Better yet call a spade a spade and pick one of them!

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that’ll light those ears
I’m sick of all the insincere
I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect lie
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets

All my secrets away
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, so what? I’m still a rock star I got my rock moves And I don’t need you

I very rarely see my husband. He sees the girls every week and my parents take them and bring them back. All financial matters go through a joint bank account. Any things relating to the girls we discuss via text message. We don’t even talk on the phone unless it a comment while he is talking on the phone. It is about the same as a long distance relationship on different continents.

This week however my cousin took them to visitation, however she couldn’t drive them. So I got to drive them. I dropped them off before he got there, however I was trying to fix a phone problem before I started driving again and saw him drive by. I left and that was that. Well I also had to pick them up which required being early. So I park and when my cousin called saying she was going to head out after they said goodbye I got out. Well the goodbyes took a bit longer and maybe I got out a bit early. I was having one of those days where I knew I was looking good, well I planned it that way. So I took advantage and leaned against my car and started messaging my friend. I was thinking about something funny that was said and looked like I was having a really good conversation. He thinks I am this emotional mess because of things I have said. But I bounce well, better then most. I just need to see the dead end sign hitting my face while it has spikes. Once I hit that I do a U-turn right quick! And since that moment I have had all good things. All signs pointing to you are going the right way. Like in the racing games when your driving the wrong and it says your going the wrong way in bright font blinking on your screen. Once you turn around it stops. Once I did everything tended to fall into place finally, well not everything. But it did start moving forward. The first steps. I felt like a rock star today. I have felt like a rock star for over a week now. It just keeps growing. Because my goal was to get on my own and I am doing that. I am taking huge steps forward on my own and that feels amazing. So to you all and him:

Na na na na na na, na na na na na na
Na na na na na na, na na na na na na

I guess I just lost my husband
I don’t know where he went
So I’m gonna drink my money
I’m not gonna pay his rent (nope)
I got a brand new attitude
And I’m gonna wear it tonight
I wanna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

Na na na na na na na, I wanna start a fight
Na na na na na na na, I wanna start a fight

So, so what?
I’m still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t need you
And guess what
I’m having more fun
And now that we’re done
I’m gonna show you tonight
I’m alright, I’m just fine
And you’re a tool
So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t want you tonight

Uh, check my flow, uh

The waiter just took my table
And gave to Jessica Simp- (shit!)
I guess I’ll go sit with tomboy
At least he’ll know how to hit
What if this song’s on the radio
Then somebody’s gonna die
I’m gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight

Na na na na na na na, he’s gonna start a fight
Na na na na na na na, we’re all gonna get in a fight!

So, so what?
I’m still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t need you
And guess what
I’m having more fun
And now that we’re done
I’m gonna show you tonight
I’m alright, I’m just fine
And you’re a tool
So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t want you tonight

You weren’t there
You never were
You want it all
But that’s not fair
I gave you love
I gave my all
You weren’t there
You let me fall

So, so what?
I’m still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t need you
And guess what
I’m having more fun
And now that we’re done
I’m gonna show you tonight
I’m alright, I’m just fine
And you’re a tool
So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t want you tonight

No, no,
No, no
I don’t want you tonight
You weren’t there
I’m gonna show you tonight
I’m alright, I’m just fine
And you’re a tool
So, so what?

Read more: Pink – So What Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I made up my mind I’m gonna be your sugar daddy, Give you honey all my money

When you think of marriage it is all hearts and flowers. Living together and romantic meals. Weekends with the kids. Family breakfasts and late night movies. Then there is me.

My marriage is a bit different. My husband lives in our family house with his girlfriend. I have seen him twice on purpose since before Halloween. I have ran into him on accident once. We once upon a time texted about everything but now it is all business. We discuss the girls and when he can see them. He talks on the phone to them. We however besides the paperwork are like strangers. We are financially married.

It is so weird for me and I am sure him too. For my side I get child support twice a month which is normal. But because we are still married and he kind of wigged out a bit at our meeting to discuss child support he agreed to pay my child support, cell phone and car insurance. To be fair I have been a stay at home mom for our daughters for seven years. I have filled all the household hats besides financial. I have been the reason he could work however or whenever was needed. And I am taking care of his kids full time so a car, car insurance and cell phone. I have a plan to support myself so one day I don’t need any of his money. Maybe put the child support away for the girls college. But for now it like having a sugar daddy behind the scenes paying stuff while I do my thing. No strings attached. I do not consider our girls strings as even if there was no child support they still need their Dad. I have a pretty car love, a smart phone that I don’t have to worry about anything for. Car insurance I honestly, do not think much about besides it is needed. It isn’t the typical daily use thing. It is just weird really because he turned into this person I do not know. So he is very much a stranger to me. When I last looked in his eyes…I do not even know how long ago in the store with his girlfriend it was like a stranger was in his body. Someone who didn’t like me very much. Texting is civil but those eyes man. I am in college now and getting all the aide I can get so I can get by. My degree will lead to an at home job. But for now I am kind of dependent on him which really kind of sucks. For all those thinking I am a gold digger and enjoying it are dead wrong. I wish I could just say you know what I don’t need your money later gater! Alas this is life.

For him it is probably really weird also. Especially adding said girl friend. I always wondered how he pulled of telling her I was his ex wife with all the connections that are still there. He was physically available with no one to check into but a house with my cat and things in it I am betting that he didn’t bring her there. And how do you explain having a car payment for a car that you do not have possession of?  How weird would it be to have this “single (as in no kids) life” with your live in girl friend while still financially taking care of your wife? I am the type of person who tires to feel how I would in their shoes. It is a very odd thing to think like that when I can detach the emotions behind it. Then the place of that girl is a whole other weird place. I just wish I could tell her to watch her back and keep her eyes open. I would hope in her place I would ask a few questions on the “ex-wife” especially when weird things are around. Especially as she works in the land full of rumors and the stories of him and I. And a few waves I added to the pool just correcting a few mistruths floating around like our marital status and why I left. Ironically that was kind of for her. I figured she should at least get full disclosure and her actions after that are with the knowledge behind it either way. I figured I would want to know the truths of that at least. The rest of the story is up to him to tell.

Being financially married is really really weird. It is like a stranger funding you. I lost the man I loved to alcohol so that part isn’t odd. The other girl, welcome to how he has handled our splittings. It is the fact that I am married but very single living. I am parenting by myself while sprouting out how much Daddy earned his title. It is like going in a hot tub then jumping into the pool, over and over again. Part of me can’t wait pick one pool but I know if I did go to work and school full time my kids would suffer. I am doing what is best, even if it means relying on him regardless of either of our desires. Life is just complicated that way. I do love him though, it is different now. I will always love him. He is the father of my children. I am stuck with him as my family and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am letting God shape it now though. For now I am the weirdest marriage I never imagined.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We will make a brand new start From the pieces torn apart The break of day is before us

Today was a very positive day. Actually the past few. I feel like I am going on track for where I should be which is a very weird feeling. I have spent the past few years doubting every choice I was making. Is this in the best interest of my family? If I choose to go down this path what is the risks? Can I handle giving up something I never thought I could? What would it take for me to take that risk?

Then one day  I reached that point. I just walked away from the chaos. This created new chaos. So for five months I was trying to untangle it all. Every time I stepped out of a hole it seemed to fall through. So I was clawing my way out of that hole. The worse part was the well intentioned people who were just trying to help but in reality they messed it all up. I had to learn to listen to God and the voice in my head. It was not a fun process. I am still not all the way there. It is a day by day process.

But yesterday I went to my first college class to learn how to register. I met a lady in the same type of situation as me. We hit it off right away. Today I went to register class and got my ID. Then I walked into an office that really helped for a totally different reason and got my book for free! They are just borrowed for the quarter but lets be real…who want 100 college books you spent too much on at home? So I am A-Okay with just a quarter! However I do not take a lot of awesome pictures so I kind of have crazy eyes a bit, good thing it is blurry! I must have been a sight though. Arm and bag full of books and papers. Chasing after my two year old who keeps running off. She did awesome the first hour or two but there is only so much a two year old can handle. I was trying to maintain an adult conversation and get business down while running down the hall after the cutest kid yelling “I’m fast Mommy!”.  I was probably the definition of hot mess. But there was only  a few things I didn’t finish only because I couldn’t get in touch with people. Alas, Tuesday I should be done. I even had time to get a laptop divided back pack and other school supplies. Then I , like the uber nerd I am, got my backpack all ready. I was the kid who laid out an outfit and had my supplies set up a month before. I am just so excited this is real! I have tried a few times however it was always being blocked by some wall. I found my window. It definitely helps my mental health and self-esteem to do this huge thing for my girls and I.  This is the first step to me being able to provide for them and stay home.  Thank goodness for online classes and on site day care though. There is even a fitness center I can use for free. This is definitely my next chapter.

And to add to the bright feeling we had an actual conversation, well  couple texts, of civil talk about boundaries with his girlfriend and the girls concerning their feelings. I sent him a text asking for his consideration of their feelings right now. I expecting a reply about calling him out on his girlfriend about whom he has yet to actually confirm to me, just to ignore saying anything. Part of me wondered if he would even reply. But he was actually civil. I am really going to embrace that word for now. I was just excited that we could communicate about the kids beyond “when can I see them”.  It may be a step forward, or a pause in the cold war until more legal stuff hits the fan.

For now I am going to float in what may be the clouds or the eye of the storm. Because there has been enough storm for now. Oh and enjoy my security wallet card keeper that has passport stamp pictures, not hearts. It is another step forward because he always told me to carry a purse because I have this debit card losing habit. So now I am doing my next adult move in keeping them in one place in what it supposed to make it impossible to make my cards scan able. Who knows but these are my first purchases for me besides what I called my F you boots I bought around my birthday when we were separated. Those boots were the ones I wore to our first meeting to decide the child support. They really do look awesome 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I lie in bed with my eyes wide open but Duddy don’t you worry you’ll be sleeping in a moment, then moments turn minutes and minutes turn to hours

Oh my song lyrics linking me to songs I have never ever heard of for one line of the song…

When I was little I loved sleep. I went to bed on my own and stayed asleep. At some point, in junior high I think, I stopped being able to sleep at night. The night time hours become my productive hours. I took naps after school to compensate. When I got out of high school I got a retail job that allowed my social life to be after midnight. All the closing shifters in my group would eat at our all night diner. When we did get together on days off it was after one PM. My next job was a tad earlier and I kept my late night hours getting only three hours of sleep a night. Oh to be young again. In reality it wasn’t age. It was a body to go to bed with and all things implied if I couldn’t sleep. Even then we would spontaneously go out at random hours. Eventually what changed was the pregnancy of my first child. I was tired earlier but it kicked in more when I was gone twelve hours with a commute. Still that body in the bed. Then add baby. To her credit that kid slept twelve hours from the time you put her to bed so you could plan when you wanted to go to bed. So we stayed up late to get alone time. That became trend. Then enter baby number two who takes after me! So now when I wanted to go to bed at say midnight or one she would be running around at three! Side note co-sleeping is my sanity. She is now two and my oldest gets up way too early because my child or routine is used to school now. Think of that one up all hours or waking up after being asleep and the other waking up at seven! Before my husband would come home from work and sleep so he could take over when I had had enough. On weekends he would get up with the girls so I could sleep in. Now I am alone. This sounds very complainy…

 

How ever the thing is I wouldn’t trade it for the world. At this hour the world makes sense. The demands the outside world has on you isn’t as strong. Sometimes I can ignore it because well what can I do at 1:30 AM? As for my little night owl. She was asleep when I got back from class however now I am wearing a princess crown listening to her play. These are the times that we get most of our bonding. Her schedule drives most people batty but from the girl who strived off three hours of sleep a night much better than eight I was built for this. As long as I am kept busy I am the energizer bunny…now if I stop have a pillow ready because I will crash. I generally find myself much happier then when I get the sleep everyone says I need. God makes you the way you are for a reason. For example my husband sleeps like a guy with the just falling asleep in a second. It would drive me batty when I couldn’t sleep and he fell asleep on the couch and he complained of being tired lol. I like to think one day my baby will sleep most of the way through the night. Maybe when I jump into classes and she is in the day care. But for now I will love our late night adventures because only this kid could pull of running out of bed for the millionth time when you finally are tired and still make you melt 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On burning wings we ride Flames are streaming from Our eyes Empires fall as we pass by From the ashes the phoenix Will rise

After I left my husband I wrote a few notes to him because we were not speaking. I wrote a dirty note and one that gave him my heart again. There were three more that followed that each one said hope but hinted at what I know now but only suspected then. I came a long way in letting go just this past week. I have now made it business however there are a few things clinging on to it. One was the letters and one is this earring in my cartilage that we got matching when we were dating that I just can’t get off because it has been on for over five years. So last night I burned them all and it was beautiful. I didn’t even sit around and wait for it be all ashes because the words were gone. So now I will rise up among the ashes like a phoenix. Starting tonight when I take my admissions class for college!

May angels lead you in Hear you me my friends On sleepless roads, the sleepless go May angels lead you in

Today my parents who are visiting in our old hometown sent me an obituary. We moved when I was second grade so my ties there are very few and old except for family and that isn’t something you tell over email.

There was this family that we grew up with. They had a girl my age and a boy my brothers. So it was a perfect fit. We moved up to the Puget sound when I was in second grade and time separated us all.

My father reads the obituaries from our home town regularly because they grew up there their whole lives and you loose touch sometimes. Especially after a few years.

The person who died was the boy my brothers age. That is a man in his 30’s. He had a son too. He had a whole life going, and while I may not know what exactly it consisted of it is still a sad lose for all. It says he died “suddenly” but not the cause.

So the lyrics to this song hit me today. Not just for that young man but the kid who died in junior high, my uncle, my grandpa, my husbands grandma pretty much anyone who is gone. A lot for my Uncle and Gramps.  So for now I am going to leave off with the lyrics…Let them speak to you for anyone you have lost. Love the ones around you.

There’s no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
Now I’ll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

Now what would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
Now I’ll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I’d sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God couldn’t let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s business time I know what you’re trying to say You’re trying to say it’s time for business

I had a relationship of love first, running the life second. When you put the love on a back burner all you are really left with is the business. It is as refreshing to me when it was all love and lust. All the things that would normally get in the way now don’t. What he is doing, what I am doing, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to tell him about school and he doesn’t need to tell me about work. The choices he is making don’t matter right now as long as it stays in his corner. It is a beautiful thing. It is getting back to the don’t ask, don’t tell. We kind of started here, with large doses of flirting. This time we are past that. I think that maybe we were only meant to be friends. One day we will hopefully support each other. Right now we are only dealing in the girls. I am sharing information he should know,  he asks about things like doctors appointments. If it weren’t for the whole reasons behind my actions it would be so simple. It will all get worse but I have hope that maybe we can rebuild this crazy relationship we have and maybe even co-parent one day!

For right now though it is amazing how much of a relief it is to be able to have a conversation  with him. Hearing him say that he is headed home without the urge to scream or cry. I even ended the phone call in I hope you have a great night knowing that it isn’t alone. Civil. Maybe that is an apt word for it. I hated seeing that word at one point, not that long ago. We are only civil because of all the things we do not talk about.  But maybe that is for the best. When all the smoke clears in our heads and the ash settles it will be a good feeling. I have to trust that in time all will fall into place for both of us. Maybe it was a good thing that even when we made really bad girl/boyfriends, fiancés  and spouses we were really good best friends. No matter if we or someone else broke it we could always fix it. Picture a guy breaking your heart and then being the one to fix it. The funny thing about it all is this is my first time I have had to rebuild myself and this much later (I do not keep the passage of timing calculated) I am stronger than I ever was when he helped me pick up the pieces.

Now that I have that behind me I face what is needed. I can even share a bit more with him about the girls. Maybe I have been a bit…something. It was very hard to pretend that everything was happy go lucky when it wasn’t. To hear his voice made me want to cry, which I didn’t want the girls to see. So there went phone calls, then he started being AWOL so I didn’t want to know or have the girls be hearing whatever was in the background. Honestly, it was just easier to keep them or me away. I am not sure which one at this point. Kind of like his choices don’t matter, neither does my process to get here.

I can’t manage his life but he and the girls need to talk to each other. They need to have a relationship even if I am not on board with unsupervised visitations at this point. It is the goal in the end. So now is the point when we are getting down to business. Let the board room discussions begin! I am doing pretty good if I can ask him to have a good night with out any negative feelings. It actually made me smile. And the fact I still insist on calling him sir (a loving nickname with many outlets) instead of his name 😉

The spark when I see him or thing him will go away though right? It is the weirdest thing. When I see him in some places it is like there is a repellant spray and others (with the girls, talking to them on the phone) I feel the itch. However I also am attracted to other Dads with their kids so I am pretty sure that has something to do with it. It is like a guy with a puppy or a baby! Or apparently guys who can dance.  Just stronger because it the father of my children with his kids.

Man when did life get so complicated. Now down to the business of Mommy alone time before I go co-sleep with a two year old 🙂