You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the fourth of July ‘Cause baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em what you’re worth

This past week I started school. Lucky for me I started blogging before my typing class. Ironically my typing class and English class want me to just type and write every day. Done 😉

I have a beautiful spirited seven year old. Her life got shook upside down in one day after she left for school on day in October and ended up not living the house she left that day again. It is now Daddy’s house. She went from her own room with her stuff to sleeping on the floor. She went from seeing Daddy when he went home from work to two supervised hours a week and a couple phone calls a week. She went from Mommy and Daddy being together happily mostly (except when it wasn’t) to Daddy living with another girls and us not being together again or even in the same room ever. All in one day of leaving for school that started like most days. So to say it was a shock to ALL of us, especially her is an understatement. So if you can believe it she is having a hard time right now. This is hidden sometimes by the fact that she is so dang cheerful usually, unless she isn’t. It is easy to try to correct behaviors but there are not the issue. They are something to be reminded about but they are there for a reason. She is actually doing better then she was before I left (we doesn’t really apply as the girls were not given the choice) but not it is a different type of hard. She has lost the core of her personality, “family island” as inside out put it, and it shows.

She is lost and trying to find a new way just like we are. The only thing here is that with her Dad and I, we made our mistakes to get here. We have each contributed to the down fall of our island. It is like she blinked and hers was gone. We saw our crumbling before the fall. I have to believe a new better island will be back and better but to do that other things needs to be rebuilt. So I am treating her as age appropriately adult as possible. I am starting a journey with her to be fire works. To discover who we can be. To experience new things.

We started today with a small outing. Nothing huge just exploring. We went into a pawn shop and took pictures of what caught our eye. We were goofy and silly. The serious tone our lives started dripping with the last few years was not there. I let her take the lead a bit. I let her lead me to what drew her in. I let her take pictures of what she wanted and I even let her take a few of me. Even bigger I let her interrupt a few of mine in her silly way with mostly joy. We are going to make a photo album so she can see her growth in the chaos. We are going to bring out the good. We are going be ourselves and show what brought us a smile even for a minute. I am doing everything I am for my girls. I took my selfish months (thankfully I have my parents to pick up where I was slacking in trying to get myself straight enough to heal a bit) but now I need to help her get there too. That is how she gets her inner power. That is what will carry her through all of her future trials. Hopefully one day her island will grow and be bigger than we ever could have imagined. But it takes a lot of this:

 

I really loved this movie it actually hit me a lot as an adult. There has been so much going in me and others around me. Especially in my little family. To have it expressed with kid gloves was a super awesome way just to make it so simple and to hit you harder. It also makes it so when you hit melt down or you see others do it, you get a really fun visual of why. It gives more compassion for people that would otherwise drive you crazy. Believe me it helps with my separated husband. If you picture animatic characters melting in their own way together when you see someone going crazy. You just may laugh or want to say “oh honey”(HIMYM). Now I will share a few pictures we took, but I won’t show my big boos face 😉

 

Although my last thought for the night. While watching dancing with the stars one of the guys says about a past break up before a proposal that he was glad it hurt because that means that it was real. If it didn’t hurt I think I would be worried. I forgot how much I loved dancing with the stars 🙂 That is where I am putting my head space since I busted my booty all week to get ahead in classes, barely sleeping, because it was spring break for my oldest so two kids all week! I am going to rock this!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the fourth of July

‘Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

(Boom, boom, boom even brighter)
Than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom even brighter
Than the moon, moon, moon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned But just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

I was at a place about six months ago where there was flames and we both got burned. It is all very unclear to me if anything could have helped it. I am very unclear as to if I could have tried more after the fact. I needed six months to clear my head. It was like trying to make decisions in a black cloud. He did not agree to my six months and picked an emotional band aid girl. It seems like forever ago since I walked out that door, and like yesterday.

The significance is that about now marks the six month mark. It did become very clear now what I have to do but it is the time where I start to take inventory of what went  down. I am still unclear as to if there was anything I personally could have done different but the sides of him I see now let me know that I did the right thing. It is hard to fathom how it could be, when I see my family split. When my kids say they want their Dad, but he made the choices that led to mine. I just have to keep my faith that God works all things together for his good, even this craziness.

For my personal inventory, I am doing a whole lot better. I am a more confident person. I realized I hid behind him a lot to avoid going out of my comfort zone. I let myself tie my self worth into his opinion of me. This is not his fault, it is all on me.

In the last six months I have been at my lowest, just to build myself up to the highest I have been. I never was the most confident person, like ever. All my confidence before was built into his views. Now I go to school and strike up conversations with people and I do not care if they accept me or not. I am unapologetically me. I have never felt so socially me. I do not care what their expectations are of me, or their goals. I have found people I click with.

I am going to the gym at school. I work out mostly for me, if I am being honest I am also going for the revenge body a little bit. I am trying to keep myself healthy, with some goals of losing weight. I really want to get my asthma is check, it takes so long of trying for that to happen. I remember when I played soccer it started out feeling like I could never keep up, I almost quit but it was entirely my friend base. quitting would mean not getting to hang out with them often. By the end I could run a whole soccer game. I saw pictures and I was in shape, but I didn’t notice because I always felt fat. I have to remember these things as I go. It gets too easy to give up. So I am going three days a week at least for now. This summer my classes change so that is up in the air.

I am keeping up in my classes a lot easier then I thought I ever could. I am excelling (for now) in the one subject I always told myself I was no good at. I am balancing this alone.  I am doing this a lot better than I ever gave my self credit for being able to do. I am finding me, and I actually like me.

with two bible study groups and the kids activities. I would say that is a win. I may be over speaking. There will be moments I am totally overwhelmed. It is the now that I am celebrating. I am celebrating that I am finding myself and becoming a better me. I am becoming a better mom. This is worth celebrating. I only found all this because of unfortunate life events I thought would destroy me. So for now this is my anthem.

 

“What Doesn’t Kill You (Stronger)”

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you’ve had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I’d come running back
Baby you don’t know me, cause you’re dead wrong

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on over you

You didn’t think that I’d come back
I’d come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I’m not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I’m finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end…

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone

[2x]
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

(When I’m alone)

 

 

I’ve got another confession my friend I’m no fool I’m getting tired of starting again Somewhere new

I have a confession. I am a perfectionist. Now I wouldn’t say I was OCD that is a whole different ball game. You see I am doing an online class for English, a typing class and a math class on an online forum. I am ahead in my English by a few days caught up in typing class, but that class I will get to later. My math class, I am 80% done with the class lessons online. Uhh…yeah. I have stopped sleeping normal hours, okay to be honest I never did. Now I just spend massive hours doing school work at night. I have kids during the day when I am not at class. There is also a boy to flirt with between my classes 😉 So I work until it all turns to mush…

So I work on math. From about 8 pm to about 1 or 2 am, at least five days a week. Can I just say I am so dang tired. I am so tired when I go to my typing class in the morning I am such a slow typer and I get my fingers all sorts of messed up. At least I can say I am rocking math which I NEVER thought I would be able to say. I feel amazing knowing that I am working my butt or mind off, which ever comes first. I see a guy in class who says he is so ahead so he doesn’t need to work as hard and it drives me crazy. I am ahead of him because I don’t spend my time playing video games instead of working. I don’t spend the class talking I work. I do socialize but not in a way that hinders working. One night I even fell asleep at 8 pm before my two year old cuddle buddy and slept ten or more hours. The next night I was all over the math again.

My typing class will be my downfall though. I am such a perfectionist I am at the stage where you make mistakes to learn but I beat myself up until I am so slow and it is full of mistakes. My brain gets all well actually…

I feel like an idiot. Did I mention it will be a huge part of my job?  I will put it this week I have typed at that start about 30 words a minute and now am barely at 18…because I pause to beat myself up. Or try to make words and sentences of jumble stuff. Then I just trying to get the homework done in a really crappy way just to meet a goal…downward spiral so now I am here…

What I need to do is let myself make the mistakes. Here is my thing though, I am living off an income and bill pay system that is unrealistic to rely on. One day I will be divorced and I doubt the judge or whomever will say yeah that’s great lets keep him paying your bills for two more years while you are in school. So I feel like I flipped a sand timer that isn’t stopping! It doesn’t help it is all around my daughters’ schedules. So if little L doesn’t want me on my computer she will make sure I can’t concentrate anyway! And My big boo has school and other stuff I have to plan around being a taxi. So yeah I am running this rat race at full speed and hopefully I can get breaks so I don’t crash. On the bright side I blog real good not looking at the keys. It is copying other peoples words or dribble stuff that makes no sense. As you can my English class is great lol. My mind is so blah my grammar and such probably really sucks.. oh well. Now I am going to bed to dream about a guy I have talked to twice 😉 Any flirting or dating advise out there? I never did it before. I have time to learn though I am still legally married so to me that means no dating, with what time anyway?  I will leave you with this…

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And what can I say We learn from our mistakes On another day, I’ll go about it another way

I am a huge reader. I read book, magazines, websites. I am in a book club that started out reading stories but now it is self help type books for expanding yourself in one way or another. I read into what in my life stage at that moment, usually online.

One of my guilty pleasures is sites like puker mob. It is full of short little articles pertaining to whatever is happening in the authors lives. Life is long but goes really fast. I started this journey with stabs to man who let me walk away. There was ever stage in the middle. Now I am looking at ones about blended families. It is like looking at the stages of my acceptance to what is.

In the one that stuck out the most it was about being respectful to the wife of your ex-husband. It started with the wife texting the ex-wife to make sure some birthday party plans would work with her schedule too.  How they have a nice partnership the group of them even though they would never be the sharing holidays and taking a group family photo type. And how that was okay. That is my ultimate goal in the future.

What stuck out the most to me was how the author was shocked by the fact that they had gotten that far as the beginning was not that promising. It said how the ex saw her as an insecure girl and the now-wife saw her as a bitter ex. She said how after a while she realized they were both right. The ex was bitter because you don’t plan to see someone else taking the place you thought you would have forever. How you want it to be you on some level because it was the life that you had planned. The now-wife was insecure because of all the things that you did share with the person they are with. In my case it is ten years of everything in life. Our entire twenties. I am in almost all stories as he is in mine. We have two kids and all that that comes with. We share insurances and a car. Our lives are so entwined it is like dealing with a business at this point. You formally work with your business partner and go off to your own personal lives. She is his personal life. We also share two kids and that is a link that will never change. I am his first wife. So anything in any partners life I have already been there with him. I was the frontier woman she is just walking a beaten down path. I am a bit bitter because I did beat down that path. Those things she is enjoying are things I had to work for. They will come easier to whatever her he marries. It is only intensified in my case with whomever I find later because he was my first serious relationship and a lot of other things.  Our lives and those of whomever we settle down with will be connected to the ex forever. The kids that look like half of him and me. Literally J is his face and my hair color, L is my face and his hair color.

Things will be simplified when things are official. Neither of us in a huge hurry to do that though. We both have an issue with permanence. I do not want more kids but won’t get fixed because then I will. I do not want to be with him but have a hard time putting that permanence of {ex} before wife and husband…divorce over marriage. I just never thought I would have to deal with it.  It doesn’t help I am a “displaced homemaker” which sounds like a contagious disease. At least I can say married for now. I am a wife, I have a husband even if I am a single mom. A divorced “displaced home maker” sounds like a death sentence phrase even though it is the start of a wonderful beginning.

I am excited to see what comes next. Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The rain is sprinkling outside my door And wondering when it will begin to pour Like my life, when it rains it pours

Today I found myself really wishing for a male person just to talk to. So this is my blog on the two answers to those prayers.

Well in my first encounter included my choice to wear hot really tight boots. I was walking around the campus all day and my feet were killing me. When I arrived to my last class I saw space between two people on the bench outside. Usually I am not very comfortable with the being close to people so I weighed my choices carefully, my feet won. So I start talking to the guy next to me whom looks younger than me. Turns out he was 31. The whole conversation started with him making a comment about not biting and me saying sometimes it could be fun sometimes. I do have quick wit, it is just mostly sexual. The conversation flows. He is ex-military and had lots of traveling stories. It was so nice he seemed so together compared to what I left. Like he had crazy stories but was done with it all. Now it may be all lines or saying what I want to hear because I started off with a very sexual comment. It was still really nice to have a just meeting you conversation with a guy. To just sit there and have an organic conversation. To have him be focused on me. Which leads to the next conversation…which is a lot more complicated.

Well I let my girls talk to their Dad on speaker phone when he is off work on his way to his house (it still seems odd to not call it home). I am very picky on this time table as I do not want to share my girls with his rebound, or welcome her into their lives. It should be separated for him at this point. One day it will be a different story but for now it is too soon for the girls. One step at a time you know. Usually during these conversations I do stuff on my laptop in the room. I try to not comment on much and just let them be. Well this time the internet was whacked out and so the shows the girls were watching were doing the same. So he started asking questions about what was going on. I should add he was my go to tech guy. So he gave me a suggestion and it worked. We had talked about it so long my oldest was saying “mommy is it supposed to be our time to talk to daddy can it be my turn yet?”. The girls were still on speaker phone so it wasn’t a big conversation but it was a big thing for us. Then I took the phone for the end of the conversation which is usually is uhh talk to you later. Instead it went to his work.  Normal conversations for a normal pair of people who are even just friends catching up. We are anything but normal. And as for the fact that we shared ten years together and two kids it is a lot of you were there, remember when. You could tell he was used to backing up and filling in information by his language…he always added oh wait you remember. It may gone longer but he added something about his vapor cigarette thing. It was an off handed I hit it with something type thing. So when I ask if he was back at using that he said yeah I woke up one day and stopped. I was hoping for before the girl friend. No such luck. He woke up one day and decided to stop a month or so ago. About the time she came into the picture. He said it was unhealthy and he stopped all sorts of in healthy behaviors he had to stop doing. This isn’t the first time he has quit smoking for a new girl. I asked or suggested and he tried but he always went back shortly, or had a different way to quit like oh I will just smoke lights. He couldn’t stop drinking for us either. Any thing he did was to get us back in the house and when it failed he cut me out. What could I say though however.. well I found something. I asked why I was never good enough to do it for. He back peddled and well the conversation got weird. It was even weird when I said that I was happy for him or proud, not sure what I said there was a line of things I wanted to say instead. He mumbled thanks uncomfortably but hopefully it was because he may have realized that I was right. I am not a victim, I am actually very happy presently. But there were many times in our relationship he couldn’t or wouldn’t do something for me he had done for another girl. It gets you down after a while. It is like a new slap to the face or an old slap all over again. So I dropped into the subject of cell phone data, how we need to work together because we are stuck with each other. It was a nice normal thing until there was one innocent comment. That is how it goes with us. Organically it does not flow. Well it does until a point and then it halts. Another piece of information comes to light. Another new piece.

The big contrast between the two conversations was new information and history. While the old can be nice there isn’t any back ground to share because it is known. There is no this is a thing that keeps popping up because they know. I miss that. It is like the last ten years were shared with him and no one else knows this stuff. Even talking to that guy I probably mentioned him a lot but he was the last ten years. This is all new, and stories of hanging out with my parents don’t seem like a good pick up line either. The thing with that is not all old stories are good, some are even hurtful. The new conversation there wasn’t any hurt in it, It was just a conversation with a guy I didn’t catch his name. I could not talk to him again and be okay. I wouldn’t mind talking to him again but I am not looking to date. All I asked for was a conversation with a guy and I got two. One day it will be a guy pursuing me and I will be well, not married. Even though he chooses to have an affair, I  choose to honor the vows while they are there. I know it is over as far as I can tell. I do not feel safe around him anymore. I would love to be friends again, but nothing more. Right now there is too much emotional crap to try. Right now I want a friend that is a guy. I want to feel comfortable with someone again. I just want to get out of my marriage the right way not jumping into something new. I already have the label “displaced homemaker” and “separated” to show that isn’t the life I had planned. I am not in a hurry to add divorcee and ex-wife to the mix. I am also not ready for the permanence of divorce. That may seem silly considering I do not want to be with him and I do not feel safe with him anymore but it is the truth. I can do me while legally still married, it actually helps me out a lot financially. I just need to quite over analyzing everything. If there is truths they will be revealed.

So I pick the new.  Even if it means more than one conversation. I would rather the not knowing then the knowing more than I ever care to know. I know my separated husband (baby steps) too well. I am letting go, at least for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess I should be happy, don’t even know how all this began I wish we cared enough to fight about it, every now and then

This week I officially started school. Granted I only go two days but I do a lot of work online. I actually finished all of my English for the week and am already wondering if I can do the rest ahead of the due date! I am one of those who loves to learn. However since I do not feel like typing on laptop and my math has annoyingly locked me out of being able to do more work I will come back to my people on the interweb, even though it is probably just me hoping someone reads this 🙂

I have been obsessing over my feelings on my husbands new relationship. It may seem jealous but I realized I was not shocked by him finding someone so soon (granted the I love yous’ did) and I actually have no interest since her arrival to get back with him. I am done with that rat race. So why would it bother me? Was it them living in our house with our dog…well the house I told him I didn’t want to move back in there when he was chasing me. The dog well yes. But that is my puppy that I have had for eight years so yeah. The dog that slept on my side of the bed possibly sleeping on her side makes me jealous actually. Silly I know. Not the man, the dog. However that would bug me no matter what the circumstances. I really miss my dog. I was also the one to take care of her not him and he has her even though I can’t.

So that cuts out jealous and the house. Even him sleeping next to her. I am looking forward to having my bed to myself one day as much as I am looking forward to getting my body just to myself (I am breast feeding a two year old). One day there will be a man in my bed again. And I will enjoy that much just as much in a very different way. I am enjoying my freedom. He had become very…time consuming in an unpredictable way. I am also the submissive wife and will be always. This freedom to make my own calls…amazing. No judgement from the in-laws about my spending anymore, probably on my parenting but I don’t have to hear that anymore so I am good there.

So, the obsession began to figure out why it bothered me. I figured it out finally. The reasons why I do not understand. I am so disgusted and upset at the thought of anyone one else being with him intimately. Doing the things we used to do. I do not want to do them anymore, at least not with him. And the speed at which he found a new bed partner left my head spinning. It is as gross as imagining your parents or siblings having sex. You really don’t want to know anything about it. The bad part is that when it someone you are related to you don’t know what rocks their boat, what buttons to push, how get them all excited or how they prefer to get their jollies. When it is your ex anything you know. And when you have been married or dating for ten years your personal styles tend to merge. I met him as a virgin, and he changed me to his styles. After I got my confidence I started being more in charge or asking for my preferences. So we started to perfect our art per say. Oh man.

Well now this stranger to me (thankfully) is enjoying what took us years to make a fine art like fine wine. Something that was supposed to fill the rest of our lives. Worse yet I would assume with the speed in which they started dating and moving she is not a virgin. So she probably has her own preferences. Which means she is going to taint my fine wine and worse yet if I were to get back with him I would notice the differences so I would know details I do not want to know. Which he wouldn’t be able to hide. To me it like poisoning the wine I created to celebrate a special occasion. One I put my heart and soul into. It would be ruined however you would be mighty upset at the person who did it. That is why I am upset. And based off the data limits on my phone when it can appear by circumstance I am dating (even though I am too busy doing my own thing and raising kids) I think he has the same reaction. It probably helps that I have lost two pants sizes since we have been separated. I am just happy and nervous for when it becomes a real dating scenario. If I feel like this I can imagine how my husband who has always felt as if I was his will react. I am the less territorial one. Mainly because this move of his is an old hat. So I am used to it and totally done with it. Dang it though do they have to screw up what was pretty perfect and getting more so by the years.

Better question to those who have walked this road. How hard is it to get something that good again at thirty? Does it require readjustment or can it start out awesome? Is it better with age naturally or just the time together? Help a sister out please 🙂 Maybe knowing that will help me not be so mad at my poisoned fine wine.

I got all the time I could work right here in my head
I can come and go as I please, you always understand
I guess I should be happy, don’t even know how all this began
I wish we cared enough to fight about it, every now and then

What I want and what I have are two different things
What you were is not what you’ve become
We’ve lost so much in-between
What I wanted and what I had are two different things

Honey, turn that record off and put your car keys on the table
You know, I can’t tell you everything but I’ll say what I’m able
Always tried to please you and I’ll try it once again
The more I change the things I do, the less you let me in

What you want and what I am are two different things
What I was is not what I’ve become
We’ve lost so much in-between
What you wanted and what I am are two different things

Well, there it is, it’s on the table, we said all there is to say
You keep the name and the number, you let me go, I’ll let you stay

‘Cause what we wanted and what we had are two different things
What we were is not what we’ve become
We’ve lost so much in-between
What we wanted and what we had are two different things
What we wanted and what we had are two different things

Read more: Caitlin Cary – Two Different Things Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tide will rise and fall along the bay And I’m not going anywhere I’m not going anywhere

I have always had a conflicting desire between fading into the shadow and not wanting to disappear. I am scared that I will just become invisible. I also do not want to stand out in the spotlight. In this whole thing it feels like I disappeared from his life and she wishes I would. I wonder how much of the changes in his actions toward me come from her. I know I would want a mixture of both honestly. And I have been there with him, only she was just living with him, they weren’t married. You want to make him and her see how much better you are for him then you are. You want to act like you don’t care about her but their whole history bugs you. I was okay fading away then, but his live in girl friend (or brother) texted me from his phone saying thing I knew he wouldn’t, then asked me to come over when they had a party once for what reason I am not sure. They also texted my phone saying “he is mine now b**** I win”. And every time one of those came he came back because I let him go, I had told him I was done with the games. I walked away to only get that text. Then he became a chew toy being fought over but two dogs. It really isn’t about the toy any more you just want to win. This isn’t a proud moment for me. I should have just walked away. But I can’t go back. I hurt a lot of people around me and him.

Now we have two beautiful girls who I do not need to be in the middle of whatever game they are trying to play. I wish I could say I completely wrote myself out but I am still a crazy girl at heart. I say I want one thing then change my mind and get mad when I get it. It really was an issue in our marriage, you can’t make a wife happy when she changes her mind so much.  You can never win. Luckily for this I have apologized before the wall between our communication went up. I am not an innocent in our marriage falling apart. I had a really hard time admitting that at first, and now people think I am making excuses because he is soo much more guilty than I am. The truth is we both didn’t handle things as well they should have been. I needed my space to figure it out. Unfortunately, in the process I lost the chance for us to come together with clear heads to work through it all. Now, too much has been done to care to fix it. I am tired of being walked all over. I am tired of being chosen second or even third place over and over again. I am not 19 anymore. I am letting go of the chew toy. It isn’t that I couldn’t get him back if I so desired, but then there would be  too much harm done. And when all that got worked through I would have been left doubting everything and worried any person he talked to. I have done that before and it took so long to get the place to trust him. Then it got replaced with booze. A much harder but easier enemy. I am just so tired of fighting for a guy who is constantly running away when he doesn’t feel like it is enough or he is not enough.

That doesn’t mean I want to disappear from his life. There are areas that are all his (for example his girlfriend) and I don’t want to know anything about them. But I am still apart of his story because of our daughters. I do not want it to seem like we are two strangers who had kids. Even though it really does. A huge part of it is I do not want his girl friend to think that because she is there she can do whatever she wants or say whatever she wants when she knows nothing. She knows what she is told she wasn’t in our lives. Just as between them I know nothing. Church and state. There have been things done by them (them as in I couldn’t say whom from “his camp”) towards me that make me mad. I am tired of it all. I will not take all that is done. I will not disappear in the shadows because it would be easier. I will not let it stop my life, in fact it helps fuel me forward. So many people try to limit me but I will surpass what is expected. I will not run off to other stores because of them either. It would be easier but so much more expensive. You see the other stores are more expensive. I am on a budget as I am sure she is well aware and I know he is. So today I  went shopping there. I bought my stuff and took the time to shop around instead of grabbing something fast to get out. It helped knowing that he was at visitation with the girls so even if she was working they would not be shopping. I am just tired of making my life more difficult to avoid the realities of life. Reality my husband is again dating through another store. I worked there for two years, it isn’t just theirs. I will not hide. So I sat in the restaurant in the store and ate a nice slow lunch by myself. I read my kindle book on phone. I had a great lunch. I made a statement saying I am here, I exist. I am going to keep moving with my life and I am going to smile and be polite. I will be happy. In this small town there are certain things that you can stall but not avoid forever. His emotion affair from the year before I left this last time walked in. She never  has acknowledged me. It was more a lets pretend that none of it happened and be civil. It works. Only there is a more intense version of this person does not exist on both parts. I am okay with that. I wish this were the same, but it is completely different. I am going to do things the way I did before we were separated, how I did them for months after. The only difference is telling the truth if it comes up instead of pretending we are still together like I did after. I tried to avoid the high school like drama. That way no one knew. Well, that was blown out the water when he started dating and moving in with an employee there saying we weren’t married. I am moving forward not backwards. Let them run in circles if they choose but I am off the rat race. I am in my own cage now. And now I am throwing a party.

Here is what I am on :

Step four:

make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I’m not the center of the universe But you keep spinning ’round me just the same And I drive myself crazy Thinking everything’s about me

Everyday in this new phase in my life is either ultra life confirming I rock or oh man what am I am thinking! Today I went to my friends wedding. One I am an umber emotional wedding person and seeing the magic and the “let no man break it apart” “love is enough “. It really brought me back to my wedding day. That is another long story with too much alcohol and a trip to the er that lead to an amazing night. But I felt loved, like nothing could come between us even our families.

Well, I am getting ahead of myself. One I drove myself to a place unknown with my data turned off so it was following old school printed map quest directions. And I made it early blasting music the whole time on my scenic drive…LIFE AFFIRMING! Add my little black dress and F you boots he “bought me” on my birthday. I was looking banging.

So at this wedding besides making me wonder if I am doing the right thing while affirming I am. The mind of mine…I sat next to my old friends parents who I was really close to. We used to go to the same youth group and we all hung out…a lot. I sat with his parents at church. I would hang out at the house with out him. It was how you would picture your future relationships with your in-laws. And even ten years and a life time later it still is that way.  However now I am married with a real mother in law. She has never liked me really, she liked me conditionally. It was never a you are who you are, it was if you are who I want you to be kind of thing. Which is kind of the types of relationships I am protesting now. My friends mom however is the type you can really talk to. Well, when she found out she was saying how she hoped we got back together. I get that from people who are not in the loop. Even his family, or I did. What I don’t talk about is why I am sure I cannot be in that relationship anymore. The things behind closed doors that a handful of people only each know a handful of details. Most people know recent events or a short version. It was toxic. It is really hard to admit that because part of me wishes I could go back to a point where it wasn’t. The point where we had bad stuff but we worked through it. Too much was added onto it after that. At this point he is still adding stuff to it probably as we speak. I fear she is to. Morse that later…maybe. Right now I would rather put in a box labeled rebound mistress. Someone who won’t be around long enough time to even meet my kids so she could be anyone around. No one to even notice in a crowd. Right now I would rather put him in a box but he keeps insisting on jumping out to add another blow. Even after I bounce back. This last blow means my lawyer is going after him now. That is what happens when you throw out too many blows that are against court order though. It doesn’t matter though. The weird thing about these blows are they right after circumstances where it can seem I am seeing someone. Hopefully he gets all his crazy out about it before I actually start seeing someone though. If he did look at who I am texting he would see a new number, and I contact this person a lot. This person is also a single Mom who is going to the same school as me who is new in town. But he wouldn’t know that. Maybe I do like the chaos a bit as I am kind of enjoying the thought of him wondering. The thought of it bothering him. He always kind of saw me as his property which if your in it is hot, but if he is living with someone being bothered by you seeing someone while he is living with someone “in love” not so much.  I am watching 13 different ways on Netflix and it says you are always following someone and being followed. I want him to be following me, or her or them as opposed to being the one doing the following. I want to be the one really living. The one who is moving on and doing me. Not the one who is only moving forward to avoid what I am feeling. I truly believe that is the case. And the main store is like high school. So I plan to avoid that unless I really need something. I just wish I could get out of small town usa, even to a town next door so I not in the drama of the kids who grew up there. I drove through a small town on my way to the wedding I could actually imagine moving to that is close enough to town, but far enough that I don’t run into anyone when I visit the one of the other stores in this one. I could have my own stores! Still keep the kids close enough for visitations. It is further from my school though.

I am a dreamer. I like imagine the future and have hopes for it. It is how I manage to stay positive in the chaos in any situation. Today I dreamed of just being happy. I have no other hopes besides God being a huge part of that. I want to like the person in the mirror and that is a slow process. I am getting there, I still can be critical if my hair isn’t setting just right or I feel “fluffy” that day. I feel better then when I relied on his reaction to my looks. One time my friend and I added an undertone of color, purple or blue, to my hair. I did it while he was at work. I felt awesome. I was cautious through most people rebellious years. Too scared to finally do anything like that before even though I really wanted to do it for me. Not because I was a teen rebelling against her parents. I am usually slow to trends because of this. I was finally to a stage where I wanted to stretch myself beyond piercing my ears with three holes and a cartilage ring. That was my only brave thing. So I am have my hair colored and straightened to show off for him. How many girls surprise their guys like that? I never have. He saw it and was less then impressed. He said I reminded him of a rebellious teenager and it was weird. He only changed to “oh you just surprised me I like it , it just wasn’t what I was expecting” when I was close to crying. After that when I thought “oh I love my hair” it was followed by “but my husband doesn’t think I look good anymore”. The second time I told him before hand saying I love it and pretty much shut your pie hole if you don’t before he got home from work. So now I am putting on my little black dress for me. I am going to color my hair again for me. I no longer have to care what he thinks. And I never want to give anyone that power again. I want someone who looks at me like a gorgeous goddess when I look like a slob because lets face it I have red curly hair there are times it will be unmanageable. I have two kids so there are times my clothes will be a mess. I am cold all the time so most of the time I will be wearing a sweatshirt and a blanket, and usually the sweatshirt is some boy from my past. My favorite is one from my old friend (see said parents mentioned before) who is six foot something and I managed to steal the biggest, thickest warmest sweatshirt from him. At one point I would have given it back but he didn’t want it because I had nail polish on it. His sister took it off for me but I think he saw I needed it more and let me keep it.

Maybe all this is payback. He had a girl friend. I didn’t like her and she didn’t like me. Him and I were just friends but I had… trust issues and he was one of the only two people I trusted. I was not in a good place at the time in a way no one else saw. Except those two people. They blocked me from all who made me feel uncomfortable and that was easy to do. My friend ‘T’s sister once was overly nice and friendly and I ended up in the fetal position freaked out and then others kept pushing harder. T stood in front of me and told them to back off. He didn’t know me at all. He just knew that I needed that. He did that for awhile and was nice. Then after a while he demanded to know what was going on. Our youth group had a strong no guys and girls alone rule for good reason. But he had been trying to get me to talk for awhile but I avoided him pretty well. When it was time to go outside for the game T was all lets stay I said no I really want to go (I do not like group games like P.E. type) he said alright then in the I am going to get  you to talk way. Now for the rest of this to make sense you need to know T is the most easy going, nice guy you will ever meet. He was trying to stick to me like glue until I talked (oh the questions that probably arose). So I said no I am staying in. When you are obviously disturbed by something people tend to give you your way. So T just sat right down next to me and wouldn’t move. So I went to get up and he said “Sit down” all commanding and calm but very oh crap yes sir way. So I did. The youth leader helper came back when people realized and said hey you know rules you guys have to come out side. T turned to him and said “get out” in the same tone. And he did. Like I said quiet and calm, when this happened everyone was a little put off, enough to just listen. He was also an ROTC commander so I am pretty sure he channeled that, but I didn’t know him then. So he made me, or gave me the nudge I needed to finally tell someone everything. And so I could move forward as much possible. After that we were really close. I even got close to his family. They became my second family. Well said girl friend couldn’t have been to happy. In hind sight I would have too. I put T in an awkward spot. Then we kept being pushed into situations where it could look compromising. Once we even got to being left alone wandering around well the store I don’t go to anymore with someone else’s kid. He paid for my meals when he made $25 dollars an hour and I made maybe $8. And he knew my past. He knew I needed a person and he was the one that fit, a kind protector. T and his girl friend didn’t make it, not that I think they were meant to be, but I know I had a part. They are now happily married to their spouses with kids who fit their personalities. I am facebook friends with both of them. My fun times with her family that is just funny. I have tendency to act how you make me out to be. If your going to get in trouble for something I might as well have fun doing what I am accused of right. I was colored a man stealer and I kind of played into it. Not just with him. I think he kind of enjoyed making her mad in hindsight. In high school however boys used me as an excuse to break up with their girl friends even though I only dated a college boy a few months my senior year. I had many labels. So maybe karma caught up to me now. Well, many times during out relationship. But I hope karma had its fun and can now repay me with kind empowering things. Oh the painful soul searching.  I think that is enough tonight. If you made it through this all kudos to you! Seriously. Comment that you did and I will follow you lol.

Heavy (feat. Kiiara)

Linkin Park

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?