Never poke a mama bear, not matter how you feel about her as a person. They will fight and claw or their cubs no matter what the cost is to them. They will put their cubs before themselves. The … Continue reading
I was at the gym today. Now usually to distract myself from myself during work outs I look at the pretty fit boys who can do amazing things with their bodies that mine is not strong or flexible enough. I can’t even describe. I also look because my ex never worked out but had a nice body, he just wanted more muscles with out doing the work. So yes guys who take care of themselves is hot. I also look at anyone using a machine I do not know how to use them, like a helpful you tube video. I look at the gym couples and wonder about their relationships, if they are improved by working out together. I watch people a lot. I listen to my music and push through. Today was weird though.
I was so wrapped up in my head from a conversation with some one new that the songs spurred a new thought or processed how I felt on it. It is not uncommon for people to ask me questions about my situation. I am a Christian and have many Christian people around. It is not common to leave even with addiction problems, the problem that arises is how it all effects the kids later. The adults that were in the household like that who ended up in tough places themselves. Sometimes the marriage ends up working out after so many years. Then the kids start using, or marrying a user. The wives I talk to are confounded on how I left a marriage that had the love, the sex and even the functionality. It is hard to describe how much it changed him, how it was like being married to twins a good and evil one. Eventually the evil one starts popping up more, until you are about to go, then the good one pops in to save the day until it is safe for the evil one to appear. You can have a good life with the good one but you are in fear of the evil one appearing at the smallest thing. But shouldn’t we keep working on it? How could I leave the strong feelings of love? Some days if I am honest I think back to after I left what if I had given him phone calls when he asked, when text message wasn’t enough? I know I did the right thing in my heart. My girls deserve two happy parents no matter if it is apart or not. I deserve to be treated like a queen. He deserves a girl who isn’t so paranoid after all that has happened that he can’t have privacy. We need to be the best functioning parents. However there is still that nag in my head and heart. Love doesn’t end that easy. But I digress.
I am pondering my feelings and thoughts on the elliptical. I start looking at the guys doing amazingly flexible tricks and certain songs will pop in to my ears. It will send me into the mind frame of the songs to my emotions. Some hit more then others, some just make me wonder if I feel emotions in the songs or if it is just lingering feelings. I doubt those will go away. Then Adele pops up. I have a love/hate relationship with her. Some songs hit me in the heart. Some just make me want to hit her and say man up. This song has been playing every time I workout. It hits home especially this part
I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
This is what I wish I could say to him. I wish I could say I felt this way all the time, however, I do not. This is when I am good and strong. When I am not it is closer to “someone like you”. I hope one day to not be haunted to if we were to have done x better, if I were to have done x different. My “idea” this time was maybe if I had waited until he had sobered up and said see here buddy give it up for good or give me up for good. I doubt it would have ended different, just later. I would have lost me a lot more of me. My daughters would have had more emotional damage. They would have thought that all that chaos was normal, and it is not. It is just crazy how you can know you are doing the right thing, and feel better but still be haunted by what you have given up to get there. You can wish someone the best, and wish them the worst at the same time. I had hoped that by now my posts would have less to do with him. I also know I need to mourn what I have lost. It is the what if’s that get you. It is mourning the loss of what should have been that gets me the most. The future we should have had that got taken away by alcohol. The trust that was destroyed by choices that were made. The ache in my heart when I think about never touching him again, being intimate again. The loss of my best friend.
No matter what I lost I now have an open future full of hope. I have possibilities I never could have thought of. This is where I usually live. I look at gym boys and think, I want a guy who takes care of himself. I look at gym couples and think man we can workout together. I think about the good traits in him I like, and the ones I don’t. It is like shopping as a adult who knows what she wants vs. a kid whos parents are out of town. You list gets more refined. You know which foods look good on the shelf, which foods are healthy for you, and that you need to have a balance of the two. Right now I am walking around the store taking inventory based off what I have made before. It is fun. My romantic future, my career future, even my house decorating future.
This doesn’t mean I feel like I have control over it all, quite the opposite. I have reached the time in my life where I know I am not. I know that only God can give me a better future. I am sure I could make myself a real messy one on my own. I do not want that. I feel like there is a promise of one I cannot imagine. I am holding out for that.
For now I am going to write a paper on MLK and Obama speeches! I will leave not with their famous lines but with the great philosopher Adele 😉
Just the guitar
This was all you, none of it me
You put your hands all over my body and told me, umm
You told me you were ready
For the big one, for the big jump
I’d be your last love everlasting you and me
That was what you told me
I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
I was too strong you were trembling
You couldn’t handle the hot heat rising (rising), umm
Baby I’m so rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn’t keep up, you were falling down (down), umm
There’s only one way down
I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We’ve both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
If you’re ready, if you’re ready
If you’re ready, I am ready
If you’re ready, if you’re ready
We both know we ain’t kids no more
No, we ain’t kids no more
I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
If you’re ready, if you’re ready (Send my love to your new lover)
If you’re ready, are you ready? (Treat her better)
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
If you’re ready, if you’re ready (Send my love to your new lover)
If you’re ready, are you ready? (Treat her better)
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
MsMollyC 