Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time

In may I was all rush rush to register for my summer classes. Then I was all lets pass those classes! Well, done! Then I was thinking one week to the next classes great! Well dagnabbit I find out there is a three week break between the quarters… I suck at waiting. I suck at waiting for answers, for the next steps, for anything. I want to see results. This serves me well in cases like the math class I finished early because I wanted to be done! Then I have date to start the classes and I get an email from one of my four classes saying it is open a few days early! Oh snap that is my jam!

Now I still have to wait three days! Three days may not seem like long but I feel like the sands of time are draining too fast. I feel like I need to act now to get into tomorrow. And I can work at my own pace so I can finish when I finish. I love being in control of my own studies. I want to beat the schedule. Pound the pavement. It makes me an awesome worker, I become more sufficient in less time and do the work of many people because I cannot stand to sit still. This is something I had forgotten when I got caught up in Mommy mode and not work mode it threw of my mojo. When I started school I went back into my crazy work mode. It is crazy what you forget about yourself. It is crazy what gets lost when you are wife and Mommy only. I feel excited for every new step and I cannot stand not going my pace…

Yeah that level of insanity. That is my mind. This not only applies to my school or work life but also my personal life. I am in a transition stage that most people do not take this time like I am. From what I see many people say well we are separated and living separate lives so lets move forward. The idea of legal technicalities do not matter. For me they do. Legal and spiritual things. So I am like a really really bad nun. Like no someone forced into it. I just got stuck here. I do not see us agreeing on anything anytime soon so…

I feel like I playing the waiting drum for so many pots to fully come to boil. There is a reason for this waiting. It is driving me insane though! I am waiting for the day I can go around my own town without the looks. For when I can shop at a certain store and be the normal customer who no one asks how I am like I will snap. I am waiting for when I can go out for coffee with a guy or talk to him without feeling like a I defiling my marriage that is only on paper. I want to feel like a normal person again. Not mom mode to robot in life mode. I want to be hugged by a guy and get butterflies. I want my family to be whole even if it is not in the way I imagined. I want the day where we say hey we are family and will be there for each other no matter what life circumstances are happening. We have each others backs.

Yeah like that. I want us to be that no matter what because we got two little cubs who we both need to be there for. This is how it should be. This is how it should have been so maybe we wouldn’t have ended up here. But here we are so lets do this crap! Lets move on and get this right for the little cubs now.

Okay I wanted a little rougher around the edges meme but admit it they are really cute. This is me in a nut shell.  You may not see how it applies to some people but it does. Just because I am not front and center doesn’t mean I am not cheering a whole lot louder then anyone else. You call me at 3 am and I am there. This is my time to be own ride or die. And I am on hold for so many things. You can’t rush some things. So here I am…

And here a few for the road that humored me or something else…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re hot then you’re cold. You’re yes then you’re no. You’re in then you’re out. You’re up then you’re down.”

So my back story is that I have only normally dated once, in high school and that was an ish. My estranged husband and I “dated” once in a restaurant because our friends all ditched us, then we walked his dog once. After that I was at his house until three am. We went from texting to one online conversation to seeing each other all the time. I do not mean after work I mean we worked the same shift at work, then I was at his house until about 3 am, then we went to our separate beds, then woke up and went to the same work place. Our conversations, they were about how many kids we wanted and what we wanted in the future. There was no slow place, well except me giving it up. Although people assumed because we were ALWAYS together. The funny part was we made out on the couch and watched south park for a very long time. Every step was a slow one in that department. That was my dating. The one time my high school boyfriend, who was a college student, dropped me off and picked me up like a normal date…totally awkward. I hated the idea of dating for so long! Finally, I get the marriage and  the life so I am finally done! Wrong! So now I am left feeling about the idea of it with dread and excitement. About like this…

The truth is, I rocked the marriage thing. It is easy to be chill when you know that your man is your man and he is coming home to you at the end of the night no matter how big the fight. I like the idea of being “his” woman, no generalized person there, and him taking advantage of that when he gets home. I like taking care of my man. I am old fashioned in many senses. I want to be the house wife.

 Although if I am more honest it is a bit like…

Anyways. That is me in a nut shell. So now I am in a new territory idea that at almost thirty with no real dating experience and two kids I will be in that world again. I was not good at it before. It seems the cards are stacked against me.

It is weird to now wait for a message, to wonder how what you say is interpreted. It is weird to not have the face to face behind it all. It is odd that a person can disappear and that is okay. There is no legal tie or any other. I mean call me weird but I like the idea of being tied to someone for the rest of your life. Someone who knows and loves your crazy and you his. That you can fight and it can be okay because you have a life together. One little thing isn’t going to stop that. And well see the pictures. I got a huge turn on from being called and calling things mine. This is weird territory. I am all left feet and butterfingers. It is terrifying to imagine that world. This is probably just a jumbled mess that no one but me will understand. This is my mind. And totally off track.

So I met a guy at school. And we talk online, no dating because well married. I used to have guy friends before I met my whatever he is technically called. Most of my close friends were. I left behind most of them because it was weird after. Now in my first college quarter I found myself in the same boat plus one single mom. This is not strange for me, but it can feel weird. My friend had a good rule, don’t do anything would not want to tell my estranged husband. If I wouldn’t tell him that is crossing a line. It can still feel weird when I met whom I thought was the rest of my life. It is like stepping back ten years.

Well this guy didn’t talk to me for a week or so. Not a big deal, but in my mind that means that I won’t hear from him again which I am okay with actually. Then he pops up again. This made me realize that I like marriage. Even serious dating would be nice. I cannot right now but the idea behind it all. Especially with two kids to chase around. I will have to start somewhere someday right. How excited do I sound? Right now I am hiding behind my marriage shield even though I have not seen my husband in…a few months. I have not heard his voice in longer. He does make a very pretty shield, he was a pretty purse but he got downgraded. Stay tuned for adventures in dating one day…not soon though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

I realize how much I linger in the past. It is just so odd to me that some people in my life can act like it never happened. Ridiculous. However this is not about them.

I am in a break from school which I rocked! Although, unlike most people I do not wear it as a badge of honor it is how I feel I should do. 3.96 gpa. I know this can open money doors, and I do not have time to mess around. I need to push myself because I have two kids that depend on me and we need to get on our feet. We need to get on our own and get to our new normal. I am so ready for my next phase of life.

I was talking to my oldest about future dreams. The type of house I want, what type of location, pets. All of it. The only part we leave out is the “boy” as we call the future mate. We dream of the future, or I do, because I want them to have hope. She is still hoping for the boy to be her daddy. I get it, he was hoping for his parents to get back together in adulthood. I cannot even think that far into to future. I am still hitched to a man that we have stuff to figure out before I imagine adding any other guys stuff. I have my moments when I yearn for the actual marriage things…I loved the life. I totally miss that. I miss what we had. I do not think of him in that way much. The thing that makes it so you can feel that person is gone for me, I cannot sense him like before. That has to be improvement. I am my own person in a way I have not been in a really long time. I am finding the person I feel like I have lost. I am stronger then I have been in a long time. I am more focused. I feel like I have it together more. I am more confident. It is really weird though, he left me with high confidence in my prowess. Funny how that works out. It is something he can’t take now. It is a good thing to keep from a marriage. I am a strong woman leader for my kids. I am keeping myself together. I am here for my kids I can be there no matter what. I can do all this because I have a God who is behind me and beside me through it all. He has answered prayers I did not know I had. He has paved paths I did not think were possible. 

I find my self realizing that I grew up fast in a few short months. I am walking my own path and I am excited to see where it goes. I do not need to know what the end looks like because I know that God has already set up the “house”. I just need to keep taking one step at a time. Currently I am waiting for the next step of school which has had a break for a few weeks and that is too long for my taste. I am going a bit stir crazy at the moment knowing I have school left and not being able to keep going.  I am realizing, or trying to that the below is truth….

I have come a long way and in my pursuit of all things sisterhood of the traveling pants this is where I land on my relationship…does this count as such? I do not know. All I know is that I married my best friend and now he is a stranger. I am sure the answer would depend on the person. I am not sure it matters until the papers are signed and the waiting period is over. The only complication is the two little girls. This is not about them either though. This is where I am…even though time has passed more in my heart than by the calendar time..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And life’s full of flaws Who knows the cause? Living in the memory of a love that never was

There are scars underneath the surface that we do not realize are there, or we do not think are as bad as they are. You go along your way and then something happens and bam.

It started talking to a guy as a friend who I will admit has my interest, but because of my vows I won’t do anything about it. Lets face it divorce is a long process. I have a long long line of being without male companionship. I start feeling guilty about talking to a guy even though it wasn’t bad and he knows my story. So in my lack of social abilities way I stutter a you know we can just be friends, I am worried I am not enough because I wasn’t enough for my husband. So why would I be enough for a guy I met three months ago? He assures me it is fine then…>poof<

Yes, I am being overly dramatic here. It was a weekend and I was busy. I was going to leave it alone but then I had a question about school and he would know the answer. So I ask it and my mind did not stop there, oh no it traveled. The power of the magical magnifying mind at its best. I ask what he had been doing. Honestly, it sounded like typical guy excuses. Whatever. I left my husband for my kids, no guy comes above that, especially now. Especially a friend. But oh the scars. I accuse him of ghosting. Halfway through it all I realize I am freaking out not because of this guy, it has nothing to do with him. It just pushed a button. I realized that my husband ghosted me and came back with my replacement. I did not think about it at all. I thought it was some high school dating thing that showed immaturity and you grow out of it. I did not think at the age of 29 it would happen with my husband of 5 years, significant other of 10 total in years. The guy I spent my twenties with. You do not associate such an immature term with something like that. It would never have crossed my mind until that innocent incident. Of course, that lead to an awkward apology and probably a thought of dodged that bullet dude.

Maybe he was a reason person in my life. To point out a scar I never would have realized. To help me heal. It has left me wondering what other scars are hiding. How will they come out? How can so much hide under the surface. It makes me glad I get the chance to heal right now. It makes me glad that I am focusing on me. It is amazing how much your body can heal itself. It is amazing how much it can handle physically and emotionally. I will say this, it is not wise to mess with a strong woman. It is not smart to poke a mama bear. It is an unwise man that does not lead with how can I improve her life, because if you improve her life it greatly enhances yours. If you satisfy her in certain areas, sex only being a small one, she will take great care of you.

I was talking to a friend. She told me how when she had problems with her boyfriend he complained about the house being a mess. The dishes and laundry being backed up, clutter etc.

When they were on better terms he came home from work the house was clean and tidy. He was shocked because it had been such a mess. She told him that that is the result of keeping your woman happy. Not to mention the sex stuff.

Many guys do not understand this. When the house or the woman is messy something is wrong. When she is put together and keeping things tidy you are doing something right. This does not include depression or other mental things. When she is fine when she is alone it is definitely you.

Even with my scars I feel better then I did before. I feel more put together. I am doing me and I am cool with that, for now. One day I want the white picket fence, or some version. For now it is about my girls and I. I want to know I can do it myself and with each day that feeling is getting stronger. I will finish out my finish out my first college quarter with about a 3.8 gpa if not higher. I am squared away for summer online classes. I am doing the best I can with my girls despite doing it alone. I did my first college quarter and a busy schedule of my oldest. Both of them are well adjusted despite it all, they show the signs of the situation but they are doing better then expected. I am doing better then I was six months ago. I did not think it was possible.

The scars will hit me though. It just shows that I have gotten past the last scar. Each scar opened means that I worked on the last. Each one is progress. I will be okay, my girls will be better for having a strong mom.

Watch the  scars people, they are the things that bring you to your knees and make you stop. This means you made it past another hurdle.

And guys, don’t ghost out. Be man and say what’s up! Seriously, you won’t end her world by leaving, you may just leave her stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The thing that I needed was you. I survived. You survived. But I do not think we can survive this.”

I have a confession. I love binge watching. Currently, my show is Grey’s anatomy. I can usually find something to relate to. The episode I watched today was the divorce episode of April and Jackson. I had this episode going while I was working on custody paperwork, while emotionally processing the things I did that are not helpful to where we ended up now. It stuck me so much I have given up the song lyrics for this occasion. I am unsure Who would be saying the above quote, maybe both of us. Because I know, he is doing the same thing as me. Preparing paperwork as to why you are the better parent. It is a nasty thing. I do not enjoy it because I choose him as the father of my children, and the rest of my life. He was my person. I don’t want to get evidence, or discredit him. I want to build him up. I want to cheer him on from a distance. It makes me really sad and mad that it came to this. I will always love him to some extent just not as what it was.

“Until you look at each and every injury, you can’t see what went wrong.”

“In trauma, we’re concerned with one overriding question. How did this happen? What was the mechanism of injury? How do we see past the mess and confusion of the trauma to figure out what the damage actually is? … Every part of a trauma tells a different piece of a story. And until you look at each and every injury, you can’t see what went wrong.”
– April

 

The second downfall between this paperwork and being in my support group is that it gets very into me. What I did? What I didn’t do? I had go through all of our text messages to decide what was important to pass on and what was just what it is. I started in the sexy texting, full of dirty things and love. Full of sweet nothings and we are perfect for each other. All those thing you send to the love of your life. In the middle it gets more sexual and you can tell the fighting. You can see me getting short after I left. You can see his lies in the timing of what I know now. You can see where I was running. Where I was too hurt to come close, where I felt pressured. I can see where maybe if I would have listened to him instead of telling him good night, maybe if he would have listened to what I said. Maybe if…

You can see two people fighting the same battle in very different ways. I needed space and time to heal, he needed the opposite. I tried to meet him how he needed before, he did the same. So many wrong choices from both of us. Then you see him detach. You see me cling or run away.

You see it all play out step by step with more knowledge behind it. You see more clearly what seemed so foggy and unsure. You see so much more than you want to. You start seeing beyond the pain and anger you saw it from before. You see how others could have seen it, just with a lot more visualization. You see what you should have said or done. In my support group we toss around, “should have’s don’t come from God”. It is very true. It does not stop them from swimming in your head. I have been super emotional, which is worse because I am still hormonal. Oy the hormones! It is a very crazy roller coaster.

You also see what has become of the players. You see where we went with the cards you were dealt and where they did. You see the death of what should have been crystal clear. Sometimes it leads to more questions. How? Why? The details I have no desire to know, well a small tiny one. I am human. We question things a lot. That is why I distance myself more from it all for my growth.

Now I am envisioning a future of two homes and two families as a unit working hopefully well. Phone calls instead of seeing the kids every night. No more lazy weekends as family with his pancakes in the morning. No more of the good that came worlds before the bad. The good that formed our family. That also means no more of the bad as well. It means a life starting over. That is a really hard thought. I dislike starting over. I like what the routine I had, even if it was not the best ending.

“Not for the things that matter.”
Jackson: “See, you can’t ever take responsibility. You never apologize.”
April: “I apologize all the time.”
Jackson: “Not for the things that matter.”

So I end up here, and April Kepner says it a lot better then me. She has a script to go by, I have life. I have the middle of the journey. So I leave with her.

I will leave you with the wise words of April Kepner, whom has a script. While I am in the middle of the storm. She will say the words of my heart.

“Even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. You can’t heal every wound.”
“We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it’s sort of a myth. We can’t boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. You can’t heal every wound, and that’s okay. I have to believe it’s okay. I have to believe that even if something seems like it cannot be fixed, it doesn’t mean it’s broken.”
– April