I am officially in the middle of a soul search. I met the man of my dreams when I was 19 years old. We spent our twenties together. We got married, had a couple kids. Happily ever after???
I have resolved myself to this fact, in fact I am more than okay with it. I got to the point where I totally understand when my old high school friend said “My divorce is final next month!”, I answered with congratulations! There was no oh, so sorry. There gets to be a point where you want to move on with your life.
Then comes my moral conundrum. I believe in soul mates. Eyes meeting, linked forever kind of love. I thought I found it at 19. Now that is over. I will always love the man in a first love kind of way, father of my children, the man formally by best friend. I am not in love with him. I do not feel like we were meant to be together for ever…the fairy tale has ended…
In the words of Meredith Grey “You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill… You’d lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming. They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely ’cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they’ll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happy ever after, just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away.”
I am now left with three choices…
- I met the wrong man and thought he was my soul mate.
- He is my soul mate and I am letting that all go with no fight.
- There may be no such thing, or more than one soul mate.
Any choice that I make I have to give up a belief I have held dear my whole life. Not in the fairy tale, but that in my lonliest of nights the man I was meant to be with was looking at the same moon. That there is only one person out there for you, except for the cases of ’til death do us part’. If that is the case I am leaving him behind without anything but the death of a marriage. That is not exactly what the vows mean.
It feels like I lose no matter what the truth is. At this point I am not sure of I care, but I do care. What happens when everything you believe falls apart. I am positive the next things will be amazing, but what about what is behind me? The past will always catch up to you. I find someone, live happily ever after, then he pops back up and all the old “soul mate” feelings show up too! I do not want to be the couple that stays connected past all reason. I just want it be redefined. Our lives being seperate with the kids happily in each world. Us all being able to work together for the good of the kids, with no personal things coming in the way of that.
I still feel like I am giving away apart of me that I never thought I would have to. This is tragic. I guess this is growing up ay? Well, onto pondering this over. Who knows which choice I will find, or what the outcome will be. Life is a fun journey that way. I am going to sit here and enjoy the ride.
Title based off an All the Shelters song “Halfway of our live’s path”.
MsMollyC 