“Looking forward, looking back I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go”

My Uncle and Aunt came for a visit a few weeks ago. This is an odd occcurance as they live quite a few states away, and I cannot recall them coming here before. Usually we would meet somewhere in the middle family reunion style. Their son was looking at a University near by  as he is so successful they are courting him. He just happens to be uber successful in his line of work. He is currently on vacation with his wife in Hawaii…

As you know growing up in a family back stories come out when you get older or when they go through something simliar. My Uncle, I found out during my separation, was an alcoholic. His wife did the ultimatum of the booze or me. He choose her. It has not been easy but they made it. Keep in mind I am paraphrasing third party information. I have seen them though. They by all outward appearances have made it through. Their kids are both amazingly grounded and successful. The son they had here got four crazy kids to meditiate for over an hour!

I take all this in now that we are in settlement process of our divorce. My family is broken. Neither of us want to be with eachother, but we may always be the one that you look back on and wonder. It is odd doing drop offs when it is all so weird.

It is accurate to say our levels of friendship had a….passionate…tone. It had a hint of promise of what could be. A bit of ride or die..Well the ride just got real awkward.

So yeah. There I done went and awkwarded this too.

Back on point now. There is also the case of my Grandparents.

When I was an awkward teenager my grandmother called while she was intoxicated and said I reminded her of herself. This because of some…complicated family things…struck a bad cord to me. I do not think I ever got over it until she had passed away. This fueled my teenage mind to avoid alcohol, and that among other things still holds true. I did not make good relationship choices. That was not alcohol though!

In the same theme of family secrets I found things that lead to my grandparents divorce. It was a good thing. The only bad thing was that it did not happen sooner for their kids. I married a man like my grandfather. This has a good and bad side. That person that I heard stories about was changed by the time I met him. He was amazing. He left an amazing imprint on me. I did end up like my grandmother though, just in a very different time, in a very different way. The good point for me is that my grandparents always loved eachother. My grandmother and her long-term boyfriend bought my gramdfathers old house when he moved from his neighboring town into ours. He grieved her when she died. That is not to say they did not live very different lives. I cannot recall them ever living in the same city again, they spent many years in different states.

Why walk down these old paths? I faced a similiar situation and picked one of them. It does not mean that I do not look on my version of what the other side would be like. I took my path though. I am honestly looking forward to onward and upward (see the post that will come in five day written a month or more ago). When I see someone who “made it” it still makes me a bit sad. I just need to keep looking forward.

“Looking Forward Looking Back”

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I’ve seen
All the love we’ve had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we’ll be fine, unlike some
I’ll be leaning forward, to see what’s coming

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I’m alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I’m okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know
Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh I have a lot to say….Cause everything inside, it never comes out right

This week my social life has blown up. This should make me happy. This was everything I had asked for, everything I wanted. I could not handle what happened with my life I ran. I ran as fast and as far as possible. I ran into a new life and have successfully transitioned to the point where I am not wanting to go back to my old life. My old life is dead. I helped kill it. Who took the final blow is up in the air. I am sure different people would say different things. The truth is we both did it. It has been a year now and that changes everything, it changes who we are as people now.

I would not fit into my old life. All the things that made us fit are not there. The trust is destroyed. But still as my social life is exploding I find myself thinking back to before I was just his “old lady”. I go back in time before ten years, a marriage and two kids. When I was just a girl. I really enjoyed it before I learned what a secure life felt like, stability.

Going back ten years I hurt a lot of poeple. Most of the guys I dated were just play toys for one purpose or another. Never the one they wanted though. It was companionship, boredom or just wanting to pretend someone is there for me (even if the moment is temporary). Like a junkie looking for a fix. There were very little emotions and at times none. I had to turn a switch in my head to not care before that.

I have switched it again. Now I am here again. With a trail of hurt behind me and in me. This time I did not come out unscathed. This time I see what happened in a very personal way. I see the way we both pressed self destruct, then the come back button until there was a bit too much destruction to heal.

I use people. I use people or my own whatever or simply because I hate letting poeple down. Either way I find that people get attached…the more they do the more I run away. I cannot handle how they deal with it all.

My high school ex boyfriend for example. I dated him because everyone else on our soccer team was paired up and I was bored. He was fun. I enjoyed our time but I could not be myself. I would ask if I did this would you still like me and he said no…but oops I did that the week before. I told him not to fall for me. He did. The timing sucked for his personal life bit it scared me because I did not want to hurt him, but I did. So I ran. I hurt not only him but his family. So I did the only reasonable thing, I shut that off and moved on. The same thing I am doing now. It is still  there though..it is radiating around and around. I see it now in my kids faces when they ask for their Dad. When the oldest talks about doing a family costume next year, the four of us. When she draws family pictures, of the four of us. I can’t just walk away. They pull me back. When I see other guys and think about what I left, for the crazy world of not knowing. For the risks of dating as a single mom. For my kids getting hurt when a parental romantic relationship breaks up, or worse for them does not. When my oldest wants to talk about our family and now there are two other people around instead. This is complicated. It seems like it would have been easier to stay.

Maybe it is fear of what is ahead..maybe it is genuine regret. Right now I have to decide whether I close off or keep moving while feeling. Right now completed closed off sounds nice, but I get weekly reminds of my past. It will always be here because there are two beautiful babies. There will always be the glimps of what was, and what can never be. Possibly what should or should not have been. The what ifs will get you every time.

Maybe this is spot on, or really wrong. Now I will close with the lyrics of Sorry by  Buckcherry with a few edited things…

Sorry

Buckcherry

Oh I have a lot to say
I was thinking on my time away
I miss you and things (aren’t) the same
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry (we’re) bad
I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you make(made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

This time, I think I’m(more) to blame
It’s (too easy) to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

Every single day
I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you(we) cried
It (is) too late to make it right
Oh yeah, sorry!
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know (we) can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry
I’m sorry baby
I’m sorry baby
Yeah, I’m sorry.

https://youtu.be/YlDz-hRlLBQ