I’m way too good at goodbyes…

An ode to a almost was…but was not meant to be.

April 12, 2021

Another old post probably from about 2018. Clearing out the skeltons in my closet.

I lost my rebound. I should probably be more sad but I am not. I am kind of dissappointed that I am losing my entertainment at night (texting you dirty minded people). I still have to give him credit he came out and told me straight out, and he still waited longer than the man I gave ten years to. I cannot say that I have any regrets, besided the double edged sword of not letting him kiss me because of a legality. Though I would have regretted letting him kiss me too. At least this way I had the eye gaze magic scene without it being possibly spoiled.

I found through this that I am way too good at goodbyes but I am also way too good at commitment, even without the actual words of it. When I get the butterflies and the good words. The I am not going anywhere right now helped too. I am just that person who wants forever. I want it just as much as I want to have fun and flirt. Ironic aye?

 

I am beautiful irony. It makes me pretty easy to please, and easy to fall for. Though not enough to stick around. The first time around I chased more, I made myself super devoted and available. I made my world all about the guy I was with. This time I want to be chased, I want a man who will fight for me and my kids. Who think we are the best things that will ever happen to him.

Oh well, one day my prince will come. With a white horse and all that cliche crap. Until then I hope he learned many interesting lessons. I hope he knows he did so many things right, that it was mainly about timing. There was a bit more. I am leaving it with good things. He reminded me how to be fun again, and what it is like to be my own person. That I am not someones Mom or someones “old lady”. He made me feel young and adult. He was just what I needed at that moment.

 

You must think that I’m stupid
You must think that I’m a fool
You must think that I’m new to this
But I have seen this all before

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless
I know you’re thinking I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way to good at goodbyes
(I’m way to good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No way that you’ll see me cry
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

No
No, no, no, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No, no, no, no
No, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes

The girl friends guide to divorce…real life edition

There is a show in netflix that is helarious, but very VERY unrealistic. For one thing there was not custody battle what so ever, and he came in the front door when he pleased. A whole lot of other unrealistic things happened too. I find myself in the a similiar situation with younger children and the real life issues. Most of it is boring and cookie cutter. How do we share children, how do we exist around eachother now? This is all very tedious and dramatic. I have to admit on some level I am done with it all.

However, I had the occasion to hang out with a boy one day while the girls were gone with a family member who asked to have them for a few hours. It was interesting. It started out with the person picking up the girls being about forty-five minutes late. This derailed a movie time. I am not the most punctual person but I do not like being late because of someone besides my kids. I am pretty good at going with the flow so it was not as bad. He was pretty cool with it as well, because is it really a choice? Then we ended up at a subway. Yes, I am a cheap date, or really expensive. There is not much in between. Being as I live in a small town you have movies and the mall for things to do. There are a few other things if you want to be cold in the winter or know things to do. I am neither of those people.

That is how at the age of 30 I had a first “hang out” with a boy at a mall….

To think back at my previous dating experience I have been to one “normal date” in all my years, and it was awkward. There was hanging out with a group of people, at odd places, all hours of the night. The only time I went to the movies with a guy was the same normal date guy and we went twice to the same movie because he was convinced that I would like it the second time. I did not. He was a great guy, we just were not compatable. I was actually looking forward to this new experience of a normal date like experience. I have not seen a movie in theaters for about three or four years.

Actually, my dating with my soon to be ex-husband consisted of a group of friends after eleven P.M. to some time in the early A.M. because we all worked the late shift. After a few weeks of that and a nice trick from the group we ended up alone one night. Then we hung out that weekend. Then we ended up hanging out at his house watching obsurd shows all hours because this was the days before netflix and on demand. We had one night of a “normal” dinner that we got tricked into, then we were constantly communicating. We were together except for sleeping. We did whatever sounded interesting at the moment because we were going to hang out anyway. I could go into fun stories from that phase but that is over now. We are grown ups now.

So there I am at 30 walking around a mall, like a 15 year old. Mmhmm. So, what you should know about me is when I get awkward I talk. I also usually ave two little girls running around to chase aorund. It was very interesting to walk around a mall doing what I want. So I went into stores that my kids should not be in, nothing super crazy. Things with breakables and stores like spencers. Another fun fact is that I talk, ALOT, when it was quiet. Oh and my kids took over that talking thing when they learned to speak, so I get very little room to talk.

So I am an adult female who is walking around a mall, talking constantly. I led this boy around store to store, talking. And talking…and talking…

It would be amazing if he ever hangs out with me again. I do not know if I would. Especially since we are at the settlement portion of the proceeding which started out “civil” and now turned into we will talk through a lawyer. This equates to not really liking the version of the person you are dealing with, whom you once were in love with. Which leads to alot of interesting thoughts. There is very little filtration between mind and mouth when I am in these places. After a few years I can communicate with a few words…I actually had a five word complete conversation with my ex that consisted of one word each in turn. It was civil, short and sweet. In the begining though, there are MANY MANY words. A dictionary of words that leave very little for the other person to say.

In short I was a 30 year old walking around a mall in circles doing a darn good impression of a 15 year old girl. All I needed was a school girl outfit, pig tails and a soft pretzel.

Yup that was me. Eat your heart out. My first time out as an adult…and I look like a school girl. I wish I could say it was a bit more like…

Alas, it was not. Though I do know the power of being a woman at my age at least. The confidence is there usually. It was there at the mall with me, with a childlike quality.

Maybe my adventures will be a bit more exciting after I am no longer married legally.

One nice thing is most people my age or older know how to be more direct. I even got asked if I would give another guy my phone number if he asked. I am very selective, always have been, so the answer was no but it killed me because he is a great guy. It was just awesome the directness. Knowing where it all stands. Even if it is not where it would feel good to stand. That is why it was so much easier to know my marriage was done. You know where you stand. There is such a power in that.

I wish it were always that simple.

Well, now comes the fun time of all meme’s that I find that inspire me, or humor me 😉

 

 

“It might not be the right time I might not be the right one But there’s something about us I want to say Cause there’s something between us anyway”

This week something happened that I never expected. I almost got another first kiss. It did not happen because I moved…yeah I know…typical. It is more complicated than that because ten years ago I thought I got my last first kiss. I thought I was with the only guy who could ever give me such huge butterflies. Well, if this is the first post your reading…you will notice the first line. That guy no longer gives me anything but usually indigestion. That is not totally fair, but I am not in love with him any more. This guy came out of no where at the worst time. I am still legally married but very seperated. Happily so. The fact that I would not check the single or divorced box yet is the problem here. The timing is all out of wack. This guy has been amazingly patient and understanding with the whole my life is a soap opera thing. He is cool with being a secret and playing by my rules. More unexpectedly, he gives me the butterflies. He tried to kiss me and for the first time since I met my kids dad he was not on my mind. It was movie scene perfect…

s

We are here…it was out of the movies. Skin tingling…zoo in my stomach…

And I had to shut it down…because our timing is off. In our progress we are here, but in real life I have a real legal thing. I see this legal thing every week. We share children. And our relations started with a rebound and cheating. I was his mistress at some point and other times he had one. There was an emotional affair. Five miutes after he gave up on us he moved another girl into our house. It is a hot mess. We started out bad and it never really stayed unbad. There was always the bad karma waiting in the wings. I do not want to do that again.

While this maybe not something that is exactly fix the marriage quality. We are in the lets make a settlement process, so that is not happening…

I gave up on finding the butterflies. I thought that it would be years before I found them. Not now. If this was ten years ago or a year from now it would be so much different. I would have kissed him and it would have been…

Yeah that is what I felt…it was amazing. It could have been so much more amazing had it been able to happen.

How can something so wonderful feeling come at such a bad time. I want to ignore the bad timing and go with my desires…but I did that once. The bad karma follows you, you can never recover after a few hits. The waiting just may drive me insane. There is still so much to be done to become “single” again. My heart, my life feels single. It is a box to check, a lawyer to contact. A settlement to make.  It is not in anyway anything but a business transaction. So, to feel butterflies. To have what I have not felt since my kids dad. It makes me want to run away from it all. To ignore my “business relationship” and my moral code. To jump off that cliff head first. In that moment I was not in this “business relationship”, but a girl with a guy who for one who claims to not know…who claims to be very single…does everything right!

I feel like I am floating.

No matter what happens it s very nice to feel them again. It nice to have hope and to be excited for the future…I just have to stay on my path of being faithful to this “business relationship” until I can officially mark the box the makes me “divorced” which is as single as I will ever be again because I will never be “single” again. I will always be “divorced” until the day I am “married” again. I never thought I would look forward to checking that box. It makes me downright giddy now..

I am going to float away on my butterflies now…into the dream world where I can act on them.

Life goals..this is my future the guy that wants this..because there will not be many firsts but there can be a lot of lasts.

 

 

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there’s something about us I want to say
Cause there’s something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there’s something about us I’ve got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life

“I’m jumping off of the world now, uh Never stop, never slow down Skydiving I take the leap without a parachute”

I was talking to someone at school today. I told them how I basically have lived on faith for over a year from the day I left to now. I have no parachute. I am having faith that God will help me land in safe pastures. Usually I enjoy the ride, heck usually I am flying down screaming my head off in the best way possible. Other times I am yelling and cursing at myself for ever jumping off the plane to start with. Today has been up with the down…up and flying, then down and wanting to cry. I am not sure the turn of events that cause this today, or just that the quarter is winding down, and so is the work load.

It is probably safe to say I should probably stay off the internet right now. But I am going to keep jumping, because I feel like crying and laughing…and making out with some boy. Even though I equally feel that this is a bad thing and a good thing. I try not to over think that. That is a whole other story for anyother day but today. Maybe.

I had to log back into facebook after….six months (?) of being deactivated. I unblocked the almost ex husband, but that is rather unremarkable as my account was up for maybe five minutes. It is more a digital photo album. It drew me back to those crazy facebook thoughts all over again. Lets see what is up with that person we have not seen in many months. I asked the boy about a picture he had. I am totally over those feelings. “Who is that girl writting on your wall?” How can one website reduce us all to high schoolers? I don’t know where I am going with this. My thoughts are not in line at the moment. I am a bit distracted and confused equally about my new prospects. It is odd going from “being with your forever” to facing any dating situations.

I do however think that there is such a thing as too much living in ones head and over analyzing. This is a new lesson, now how to turning it off. Though I am in step four- taking inventory- so that probably part of the problem. I think that is supposed to be the solution though.

I probably should add this to the scrap pile but I enjoy being open and honest, no holds bar. So I will just look up memes to add 😉

Skydiving

Lights

It all starts here, with a rush of blood to the head
And I feel no fear
And nothing’s happening yet
You pull me in
I’m doing things I never would do
My pulse, racing
I’m coming alive with you

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory
You said to me, “Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory”

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I take the leap without a parachute
‘Cause I can’t keep my hands away from you
And I’m all in
It’s too late to turn around
Adrenaline is taking my body now

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I’m going…

“I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared I fall, I break, I mess up, I make mistakes But if you can’t take me at my worst You don’t deserve me at my best”

I am a fairly reserved person. I keep locked up the secrets of what happened behind the closed doors of marriage quiet, unless legally needed. However I am a red head, temper and all. It is not always mad it is sad, happy, anything. I show all my cards, then I do not mention it again if it is negative. If you happen to around when I am in my out burst…good luck. Lately, there is one person who keeps getting swept up in my wind storms. They saw the crazy after seeing me the third time. For only five minutes each time. It was very “Hello here is my worst, my drama. Take me or leave me”.

It is hard to believe this same person is still hanging around. I figured why wait ten years, lets test the limits now. Even with amazing boundries….or demands. I am not available. I will not be for awhile. I am taking time to be selfish. This person tends to always pop up around when the crazy has stirred to a boiling point. They get all the spewed up stuff. They were even sitting next to me after a call in which I learned some news that made me mad and got the first reaction. They have waited longer than the man I married with no promise of anything. Maybe I am not the crazy one. I am pushing that limit too.

Luckily I am not the second one…but it seems when someone says that that it more the second. Who really thinks they are her? But whom of us really is? Now, maybe most girls do not go and set fires. I do admit a bit of…mind play…in my younger years. I think that is our worst. We go after eachother over the person doing whatever it is. That is besides the point…

 

To be honest, I think I lost it. This person took my mind off all my crazy..onto the subject of food. Well, maybe I started it…

 

I sent this beauty to them… 😛

I leave you in the middle of my blah with these amazing lyrics I have found…

“At My Best”
(feat. Hailee Steinfeld)

[Machine Gun Kelly:]
Turn my vocals up, alrightI wrote this song as a message for help
On behalf of anybody finding theirself
I wrote this letter to numb your pain
‘Cause everyday I wake up I’m feeling the same

I got issues just like you got issues
I been hurt I seen scar tissue
If I showed you would you run away?
Do I gotta hide ’em for you to wanna stay?

Do I even need you?
Should I leave you?
Do I gotta be you
Just to please you?
Do I say I’m all good
When I bleed you through my heart?
Quit tearing mine apart

[Hailee Steinfeld:]
I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared
I fall, I break, I mess up, I make mistakes
But if you can’t take me at my worst
You don’t deserve me at my best

[Machine Gun Kelly:]
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up, uh
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up, uh
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up
‘Cause life is about—aight, check this out

Look, life is about making mistakes
It’s also about trying to be great, right
Do not let failure scare you away
I know you fed up, you fall, get up
It’s all in us,
I can speak about ’cause I did it true
Ladies and gentlemen here’s the exhibit
It’s my life look a little closer you could see the highlight
Gold ain’t always golden but I told ’em

Look at all the years
I’ve been waiting for a moment
Shed a lot of tears
Just to smile in the morning
Tell me could you love me,
Tell me could you love me?
Tell me could you love me if I told you why?

[Hailee Steinfeld:]
I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared
I fall, I break, I mess up, I make mistakes
But if you can’t take me at my worst
You don’t deserve me at my best

[Machine Gun Kelly:]
This song’s for anybody, yeah
Who feels like I did
Never the cool kid
This song’s for anybody
Who fought their way through
Always remain true
This song’s for anybody
The one’s who trying to get it
The one’s who dreaming and live it
This song’s for anybody
This song, this song, this song, this song, this song, this song

[Hailee Steinfeld and Machine Gun Kelly:]
I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared
I swear I do
I fall, yeah, I break, yeah, I mess up, I make mistakes
And I ain’t sorry ’bout it
But if you can’t take me at my worst
You don’t deserve me at my best

[Machine Gun Kelly:]
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up, uh
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up, uh
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up
‘Cause life is about

And just maybe a few funny memes I have found along the way…

Okay enough..I have a love affair…with memes! MsMolly out!