When I was living in a normal, happy married relationship we became obsessed with the show Reba. Then a few years later we came across the video ‘every other weekend’ by Reba staring two of the main characters. It is all about parents passing off children that are still in love. We thought it was a sad video, but still enjoyed it because that would never be us. That is always the fatal mistake isn’t it. We now talk through lawyers except about kids, and are toward an every other weekend schedule. Isn’t that ironic. This is my first love, only serious relationship, and father of my children. It was not lack of love that did us in but for me, lack of trust. That will never be the same again. It was not a long process that we both sighed a sigh of relief when it was over. What did happen though destroyed all the things that should be there.
That does not change every time we exchange kids. Or when we visit the Urgent care or doctor with the kids. There has been a few moments where we had those pauses and looks. A few weeks ago our fingers touched (we do not touch now) when I was passing him back hair ties and there was what felt like an eternity of the looks. The world seeming to pause, literally what it shows in the music video. Which was made more weird when we broke it and I left and realized his girlfriend was in the house the whole time. For that moment we were alone.
In the parking lot
We don’t touch,
We don’t talk much,
Maybe goodbye to each other
There is a part of me that will always love him, but I am not in love with him. I do miss being a family with him. Family is a wonderful thing. To see my kids call for him and he is not there because of it all feels like punishment to them. Seeing my male family members step in when needed for them to have that when they need it has been amazing, but not the same. Times like this weekend hit me on everything that has changed. It is a good change. I have done things that I would never have been able to do with him. There was a moment in the store after a doctor visit (that went really well) when I saw how he spoke to me, and how for a second I believed him. He made me doubt everything I have learned in school, and my ability to be successful when in reality I am in the honors society and have made the deans list or presidents list every quarter. I aim to graduate with over a 3.9 gpa. When we are apart I feel smart, successful, strong, and able to do anything. When we were together I felt like my talents could not surpass his. I could not be successful if he is not. My worth is the state my kids were, or how clean the house was. That was my life for many years. Now, I am seen as someone to go to with questions. I am seen as smart and capable. I have had two guys come in to my life that have seen me and treated me that way. Treated me with worth, like I am an improvement to their lives. One I contact more and he tells me I can achieve my goals. This was not something that was in my marriage and I did not realize that. He was too busy trying to help me achieve my goals because I “could not do it on my own”. He even suggested I let him have the kids more to help me with studying. I was on the presidents list taking 5 online classes and being a full time summer mom.
But still this thing happened today. He was telling the girls “I love you” and he said it not looking at them then glanced at me. It may have been an accident or me over thinking the look. I wanted to say it back though. There was another look…I had to look away. I had to do this because That is the part of me that will always love him, the part of me that misses family. No one ever plans to share custody, it happens though. It something you say will never happen to you, until you are working on a settlement. I mourn the life that we do not have. It is not an in love with him thing, just a old heart string thing. I read an article that the person you are with when your brain is finishing forming in your twenties if it is a significant relationship will make a huge mark. He was my twenties. All of them. We had kids and were married when our brains stopped forming. That guy is just gone though. There is this new guy that I do not recognize except in looks who I drop my kids off with. It is so complicated to work out emotionally. I am very glad I have been taking this selfish year to work out all of this crap.
The irony of life is that I met a guy at church today. It was nice and organic. I am taking this in the same speed I am taking everything else. Right now I am married. I do smile and flirt. Nothing that I would not be willing to tell him about if he asked. That is my rule. It was the guy making the first move asking my name and the nice to meet you. Then I smiled and walked away. Times like that remind me how shy and old fashioned I am. It has nothing to do with the marriage or anything like that. I have the first reaction before that moment where that where I am just a girl meeting a boy, or about to be kissed by a boy. It is a wonder we made our relationship progess as fast as it did, it must have been him controlling the tempo because I am so shy and typical school girl like. It seems every time I have an encounter with a new guy or the other guy there is a moment with my estranged husband that is that way. Life is funny that way.
As she drives away with every piece of heart I got,
I reconvince myself we did the right thing
I just wonder if when we are both married and living completely different lives, more so then now as we are still connected by legal things, if we will still have those world pausing moments. I hope not.
It just amazes me that I can look so excitedly into my future and look back into the past with mourning. It does seem I meet a guy where I ask for though. I wanted new conversation meet guy #1, guy #2 was more of a suprise, and guy #3 was at church. Do not get me wrong I do not lead anyone on, but I do enjoy the company. I am the type when I am commited I make sure to not do anything I would not like if they did. I ended up losing touch with all of my male friends, and I was okay with that. Now I am enjoying being friends with guys again. It is a nice feeling that I could be seeing someone right now if I wanted to. It is also a nice feeling that one guy is all in whenever I am ready to accept it. It is now my choice to respect the fact that I am legally married, for now. I am not sitting around lonely.
For now I will leave it with the lyrics that speak to me right now, with irony and something deeper. I am excited to see where the future leads me. Right now it is leading me to bed so I can remember the things that I need to for my morning class to keep up the gpa 🙂 Because this Mom is a rock star on the side!
“Every Other Weekend”
(with Kenny Chesney)
Every other Friday
It’s toys and clothes and backpacks
Is everybody in
Okay, let’s go see dad
Same time in the same spot
Corner of the same old parking lot
Half the hugs and kisses there are always sad
We trade couple words and looks and kids again
Every other weekend[Kenny:]
Every other weekend
Very few exceptions
I pick up the love we made in both my arms
It’s movies on the sofa, grilled cheese and cut the crust off
“That’s not the way mom makes it, daddy,” breaks my heart
I miss everything I use to have with her again
Every other weekend
[Kenny:]
I cant tell her I love her
[Reba:]
I can’t tell him I love him
[Both:]
‘Cause there’s too many questions and ears in the car
[Reba:]
So I don’t tell him I miss him
[Kenny:]
I don’t tell her I need her
[Both:]
She’s(He’s) over me, that’s where we are
[Kenny:]
So we’re as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend
[Reba:]
Every other Saturday
First thing in the morning
I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away
I know why, but I don’t know why
We ever let this happen
Fallin’ for forever was a big mistake
There’s so much not to do and all day not to do with him
Every other weekend
[Kenny:]
Every other Sunday
I empty out my backseat
While my children hug their mother
In the parking lot
We don’t touch,
We don’t talk much,
Maybe goodbye to each other
As she drives away with every piece of heart I got,
I reconvince myself we did the right thing,
Every other weekend
[Kenny:]
I can’t tell her I love her
[Reba:]
I can’t tell him I love him
[Both:]
‘Cause there’s too many questions and ears in the car
[Reba:]
So I don’t tell him I miss him
[Kenny:]
I don’t tell her I need her
[Both:]
She’s (He’s) over me that’s where we are
We’re as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend
[Kenny:]
Yeah, for fifteen minutes,
We’re a family again
[Reba:]
God, I wish that he was still with me again
[Kenny:]
Every other weekend
MsMollyC 