My life has not turned out like I expected. I am not where I expected to be.
This is the story of my right angle, and how it became my life
I am okay with it. I am excited to see where it all turns out. But lately, okay this whole time there had a trend of events happening simulantiously that make me think about where I was, what happened and if I am really going down the right path. Last spring I prayed for an old conversation, and a new one because I had no male attention coming my way so it made me really question everything I was doing. Was this the right path. Well, I got it. I got this guy who is still around saying the right things, and doing the right things. I also have this guy who was my best friend and happily ever after who at that time I had not seen or talked to in a really long time. They are both still around, one as the guy expressing interest in me and the other the father of my children. It is like seeing my past as one fork in the road and the other guy representing what could be. Not just with him but having options. There are times that these two worlds collide within a shor period of time that makes me wonder what if we are making a mistake. I could not see it woking out, too much trust is lost, but there are times that feel like we should be together. Logic states that there is no way it would work, reality shows all those sign trifold but those emotions man…they kill me.
My girls said a few things that I had to talk about with their Dad. So I asked him to call me after he was off work so we could talk about them. Those things got dealt with in a few minutes and we spent about a half hour talking about the our kids future education, his work stuff and just past to present updates. The most gut wrenching thing was he made a comment back that so profoundly hit me I forgot what it was too, he said “it is too late for the the perfect picture now”. That means us being a family. That was added onto some things he said during valentines day that made me sad for him. He said it with such regret and sorrow that it made me want to go back to before when things got so screwed up. I, of course, being me said something probably a bit mean natured from foot-in-mouth disease. I said even before it was not there. My meaning was that no really wanted us to be together, so it was always a fight. We never were the couple who everyone saw as perfect together. Our dating life was rocky but we were in love. Our bubble was close to perfect for a long time, but when we left that it was not. I am sure he probably misinterpreted that though. We have been getting along so well and agreeing on quite a few things. This encounter left me thinking back and wondering what the hell we were doing? How did we let it all get so screwed up that it is now irrepairable? This was not what we signed up for.
After this exchange leaving me so contemplative the guy that I hear from randomly messaged me after I was in the house. His random interactions do not bother me because I have left him stringingly along with mixed signals and bread crumbs. I give enough to keep him sticking around and when he does I push him away. Why is he still around anyway? He messaged me and after a few comments and answering my question about what was weird in his life…as mine feels plenty weird. It got onto that he followed the list of what he was supposed to do and he added at the end meet a pretty red head. The father of my children made jokes about the frizziness of my hair. It is stuff like that which makes me want to move forward with someone who will act like that all the time. This just added to my contemplative mood.
How can I wish for one thing then the exact opposite. Those two worlds cannot exist on the same plane. I wish I could jump into the future just to see how the end works out. I know The past is the past. It was wonderful, and tragic. It was the best and the worst. It was the best way to spend my twenties, I have no regrets. Now I am looking to the future but the reminders of the past keep me coming back in that mind frame, those moments. I miss my best friend, and there are moments when I feel like I may get him back.
Is this normal for getting a divorce? I do not feel hate or anger toward him. I get frustrated but it was no more so than when we were together. I feel like it may have been easier if were the couple that argued and fought, that could not stand eachother. This is just complicated emotionally. Logic is easy, reason is easy, even reality is easy!
My luck when I am getting my car fixed at his shop the guy will message me. Then my world can spin into chaos with the two places crashing.
Oh well, at any rate this is my last moment for now to look backward. I am now going to look forward.
[Intro]
It’s not what I expected
It’s not what I intended
It’s not the message I’ve been sending
No no
[Chorus]
All of the colors, bleeding from my head
All of the colors, paint a picture in my head
Falling apart, but it’s perfectly perfect
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send
[Verse 1]
The prophet told me everything
She came into my dreams
She said “Michael, baby
You must flee”
Yeah
All of the colors, bleeding from my head
All of the colors, paint a picture in my head
Falling apart, but it’s perfectly perfect
[Chorus]
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send
[Bridge]
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah, aye
(x6)
[Chorus]
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send
[Bridge]
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah, aye
(x2)
MsMollyC 