It’s never as good as the first time Never as good as the first time

So I am about one week away from being divorces (or so). While I have not jumped over the line of dating yet, I have met a few people. But in the experiences I have had with flirting with the idea have let me down greatly. It was nothing too bad but it makes me feel like I got too spoiled the first time. He was my first serious boyfriend. From the start I was his priority even when we were just friends. He paid for everything, drove everywhere and most importantly never kept me waiting.

In fact On our first unofficial date (it was a trick I swear everyone ditched us)  we ended up hanging out at a gas station before getting food (can’t make this up). When I was sitting next to him on the wood bin…yup…I grabbed his phone and put my number in. Not much was said about it as I handed the phone back and after a bit we went out to eat at the usual spot we went with our friends.

I thought as the stereotype I would not hear from him. Heck maybe he did not even want it and kindly waiting until he got home to delete it. Well he blew the stereotype way out. The next day he texted me while on the sales floor in the store we worked which was something he said he wouldn’t do as it was against the rules. It is a VERY serious offense, your phone is supposed to be in your locker not one the floor at all. After that we talked everyday at least once. Often it ended up almost all the time and we hung out at least five days a week usually everynight until very early morning hours. After about a month or so we got off work and hung out until we wanted to go to bed or could bear being apart, then I went home and saw him at work. We started all over again. Every once in awhile we went to his house at lunch and hung out then too. If he got off before me he walked by my department and told me good night which was the all clear to come over after work. Needless to say we were around eachother and communicating constantly. This continued the constant the whole time we were together. When we did not talk during the day for one day we missed eachother. We had a hard time spending nights alone. He let me decorate the house how I wanted and was there if I said I needed him. I was spoiled. From the moment we met he was always around me and finding excuses to do so. That did not wear off after ten years.

Now I have had two different experiences. The first is guy I met a year ago. We talk on messenger and have not exchanged phone numbers. We talk about wanting to hang out but then do not talk for months. Granted it is a bit more complicated then a normal situation but for my part I do not miss him when we aren’t talking. He is great to have around to entertain me but it is not something I need. He is a good guy when I started my summer quarter he said he was trying to fnish early so he could see me, even though he did not take into account kids and such. The next quarter we walked most thursdays and brought me a dr pepper every time even though he said and I quote “Don’t get used to it”. But I still do not have even regualar communication with him now. In fact I think I have finally scared him away and then I hear from him after a month or so.

The second encounter is more recent. There is this guy I hung out with in high school who I recently saw again. I told him I was almost divorced and he said hey lets hang out here is my number so I can text you. This is a risk for me as my soon to be ex husband pays the bill. I did though. I took that small risk which for me is a huge step. It has been two days and no word. Two days may not seem like a lot, or maybe he is waiting until I am divorced. However as stated in my history above by now we were contant so two days of silence speaks volumes to me.

In fact the guy I most talk to is my almost ex. We talk at least once a week with the kids as an excuse in the beginning but in the end we are just talking. We have taken to talking about a half hour on drop off which may not seem like a lot but that visit is only two hours. Last week we talked after as well. When my car door got broke he rushed to help me fix it. He paid for my wind shield wipers and wouldn’t let me repay him. He is more then generous with me in this process financially. In many ways the past few months it has been like getting my best friend back that I lost before I even left, but especially after. So to look at these glimpses into dating makes me frustrated.

I want the guy who can’t stand not talking to me. That will be there for me. That will appreciate me, but so far I am seeing that in my almost ex. Ironic ay? I want to move on and find my next phase guy now that I am not 19 anymore. It is not that I have emotional attachments to my almost ex because I always will, first love and other things as well as father of my children. It is that those things I valued in that relationship so far do not seem to exist in the real world, or at least this phase because theydid happen before. Is it too much to ask? I just want that great love again. The ex complication is not a part of how a guy treats me, in my humble opinion, especially during the getting to know you phase.

Maybe that was the good ol’ days. Maybe I just really hate dating and am not good at it. I am really good at friends zone and serious commitment. The in between, eh…

Maybe the song it true but instead of first kiss it is first love.

Never as Good as the First Time

Sade

Good times they come and they go
Never going to know
What fate is going to blow
Your way just hope that it feels right

Sometimes it comes and it goes
You take it ever so slow
And then you lose it
Then it flows right to you

So we rely on the past
Special moments that last
Were they as tender
As we dare to remember

Such a fine time as this
What could equal the bliss
The thrill of the first kiss
It’ll blow right to you

It’s never as good as the first time
Never as good as the first time

Good times they come and they go
Never going to know
It’s like the weather
One day chicken next day feathers

The rose we remember
The thorns we forget
We’d love and leave
We never spend a minute on regret

It is a possibility, the more we know the less we see
Second time, is not quite what it seems
Natural as the way we came to be
The second time, won’t live up to the dream

It’s never as good as the first time
Never as good as the first time

Natural as the way we came to be
Second time won’t live up to the dream
Natural as the way we came to be
Second time is not quite what it seemed

It’s never as good as the first time
As the first time, the first time

Natural as the way we came to be
Second time won’t live up to the dream
Natural as the way we came to be
Second time is not quite what it seemed

It’s never as good as the first time
As the first time, the first time

“I wish somebody would have told me babe That some day, these will be the good old days All the love you won’t forget And all these reckless nights you won’t regret”

I am reaching the last legs of my divorce settlement. The first phase for me was the shock and denial, then came the the enlightened girl power. This phase is not fun it is the nostalgic, second guessing phase. Are we really doing the right thing? And if I have to reread the phrase irreconcilable differences again this week I will scream! My belief system of not divorcing is poking at me. When I know that there is nothing much that can be different. We may have had chances before but now to work it out but after all the pieces have fallen the way they have it is too late. If there is anything that could be done it is in Gods hands.

That sounds totally cliche but I am going on without a plan for where I will be. I just know that I tried to do this once. I decided who was the one for me, I decided we were meant to be no matter what. I forced it to be the plan, because God wants marriages to stay together so if I get married he will bless our union. He has to. It doesn’t matter what he thought before. Yeah, kids don’t try to force Gods plans.

My almost ex-husband and I have been talking about what went wrong and general feelings. How things are totally different. He said something about how he will never have the same relationship as before. Ours was different from his ones before and from the one he is in now. How he does not think any one will be that ‘special’ (I inserted that word to try to lighten the mood) again. In a sense that was it for him in the deep romance department. It got lost with our relationship. There is also comments about if we had had kids later and such..maybe if..maybe if…

I am in a different boat. I know what was there. I know what it still lingering. I also know there was a reason I left. I know that things are broken, not that they could not be fixed before. I know why. I am not a teenage girl with stars in her eyes. It just sucks to see the things that should have happened before this point to make it work. To see the guy that I fell in love with come back in a shell of a guy who seems so lost and hopeless. To hear even now that that part of him I saw before is only around with me, when he goes back to his new reality it is not there. It makes me want to crawl back about four years and yell at us both to watch out. To avoid…well this.

Instead I look at the future. I hope for a love that makes me realize that I can love more deeply than I thought I could now. One that makes me be glad that I found him at that time. That he was the missing piece of the puzzle. That I have a guy who was my husband but is my great friend, and the guy that is the love of my life. That I am blessed enough to have them both. That I have two great guys in my corner instead of the world

I saw in my twenties. Or God can come in and change everything.

He let me have my way once. He let us mess it all up. Now I am going to trust him to help me rebuild it.

But oh man right now I am looking back real good at the Good ol’ Days! I miss them, they were pretty awesome. They were my twenties. They brought a love, a marriage and two beautiful children. They held my youth, they were my stupid growing up mistakes. They were what I look back in with a smile, or sometimes want to cry. They are gone now. My twenties formed the me of my thirties. I lost the ideals, but the memories and feelings are still there. Now I need to grow up to my thirties and apply the lessons I have learned.

So I will end here in my head again. I will enjoy not having to worry about homework as I finally finished the quarter. I am going to get a glass of wine, kick my feet up and relax.

I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

I was thinking about the band
I was thinking about the fans
We were underground
Loaded merch in that 12-passenger van
In a small club in Minnesota
And the snow outside of 1st Ave
I just wanted my name in a star
Now look at where we at
Still growing up, still growing up
I’d be laying in my bed and dream about what I’d become
Couldn’t wait to get older, couldn’t wait to be someone
Now that I’m here, wishing I was still young
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Wish I didn’t think I had the answers
Wish I didn’t drink all of that glass first
Wish I made it to homecoming
Got up the courage to ask her
Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell
Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf
Wish I wouldn’t have worry about what other people thought
And felt comfortable in myself
Rooftop open and the stars above
Moment frozen, sneaking out, and falling in love
Me, you and that futon, we’d just begun
On the grass, dreaming, figuring out who I was
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe we always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missing what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinking about the past
While missing out on now
We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud
And I ain’t worried about the wrinkles around my smile
I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around
I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now
Those good old days

You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone
You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone

I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken

There are those conversations that you don’t plan, that start out as one thing and end up in an unexpected place. They are usually the ones that have had in your head so many times you could right a script. As I am nearing my settlement date, and the end of my marriage, I am finding myself nostalgic. I am emotionally thinking about what went wrong and how the heck we got here! I think back to the good times and the bad times in equal amounts. I wonder the what if’s and such. The list is long, and I will not bore with the details of my own choices. This is about those conversations, one in particular.

I have an older daughter who loves to tell me all of the exciting updates in her life. Her version of exciting and mine differ, but I do not discourage her. I do just let her tell me how she feels about anything, though at times I had to suddenly look away to hide my natural reaction before I turn around again.

She recently brought home news from her Dad’s house that concerned me because we are not yet divorced. So timing was completely wrong. And she reacted the same way as she did when we were first seperates, which I know the stages that came after. I could see the signs in her of those coming again, and I still have to tell her when the divorce is final. There is also the factor to think about of how the information is translated by the 8 year old. They do not make the most reliable witnesses.

I was going to talk about it on the phone but he had an odd day off and I have this thing about talking about things between us when his girlfriend is there. It is just weird to have a third party when talking about personal things, what he says to anyone else is not my business. I am relatively uncaring about such things, but what I say and to who I do care about. So that left me having it on my mind when I did the drop off. That forced me to put my big girl panties on and say my concerns to his face. This used to be my strong suit. Actually, when I was really bothered I asked him to shut up so I could get it off my chest. These sometimes had a discussion and sometimes did not. It depended on the subject and if there was a need to discuss it. This was effective because it made me get things off my chest without becoming a nag. In the last two years of my living with him I could not do that. It created a lot of chaos in me.

A new development in our seperation is being able to actually talk to eachother. Sometimes it is weird, but mostly it is nice to be able to talk to him even if it can be weird sometimes. It is kind of like when you first start dating someone and you are not sure how it all is supposed to go. It is just odder because this was someone you were intimate with and knew you better than anyone else.

The topic on hand this time was my daughter informed me that he was going to get married, and she made it sound like soon. My mind frame is that if he does later, not my business, though a heads up would be nice. For now, we still have to get divorced and I would like all of us, especially the kids to adjust emotionally. This is particularly important to my oldest who still talks about us being together again. I think until it is final, and maybe even after, she will want that. Maybe even forever. You can see where this is not something that one would want to talk about, but for the sake of my oldest I want the less emotional harm in this divorce process.

When I brought it up however the conversation turned to many different things, one of which was our past and what happened. It covered our views on remarriage and kids. It was very bittersweet. It left me shaking my head at how stupid it was that we were even here. We both got mixed up and made choices. Now the damage is done and we now are done. We both will never be the same. We both will always mourn the loss of our family.

The two things I got to say that have been screaming in my head I got to say. I got to say why I left and what ended the relationship for me. The second coming many months after the first. I did say one barbed response which I have to apologize for this week. The cool thing was that I got say the words that have been screaming at me, I got to hear a bit of his side to understand what happened on his end. It left me really sad though. Not so much that we are here, or what happened before, but the fact of where he is now. You see I am a hopeless romantic, so when he moved on so quick I thought hearts and flowers. It turns out it isn’t, more then that I do not know, nor do I want to know. Hence where my barded remark came from, it being worth ending the marriage. It made me sad that the guy who obsessed over valentines day, was the hopeless romantic is now so jaded. I hope it is a passing thing. I am better then I was a year ago. I am stronger. I know who I am. When I told him that I told our oldest we are healthier now he was not excited about that. That all is his side of the road though. I got somethings off my side. Though apperently I am still a bit mad at him moving on so quickly, which is ironic because I am mainly glad. That freed me. That sunk the ship so I could find me. It is much like the Adele:

That song has hit home since then. It puts it into place for me. It does not make me miss my family less though. When my daughter sees a group of deer with the mom and the babies she says just like us Mom, (with the Dad not around). Yeah. That is a hit below the belt for someone who thinks a family being “whole” is a really good thing. Who does not like divorce. Who never thought we would be here.

 

iI

Unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah