It’s never as good as the first time Never as good as the first time

So I am about one week away from being divorces (or so). While I have not jumped over the line of dating yet, I have met a few people. But in the experiences I have had with flirting with the idea have let me down greatly. It was nothing too bad but it makes me feel like I got too spoiled the first time. He was my first serious boyfriend. From the start I was his priority even when we were just friends. He paid for everything, drove everywhere and most importantly never kept me waiting.

In fact On our first unofficial date (it was a trick I swear everyone ditched us)  we ended up hanging out at a gas station before getting food (can’t make this up). When I was sitting next to him on the wood bin…yup…I grabbed his phone and put my number in. Not much was said about it as I handed the phone back and after a bit we went out to eat at the usual spot we went with our friends.

I thought as the stereotype I would not hear from him. Heck maybe he did not even want it and kindly waiting until he got home to delete it. Well he blew the stereotype way out. The next day he texted me while on the sales floor in the store we worked which was something he said he wouldn’t do as it was against the rules. It is a VERY serious offense, your phone is supposed to be in your locker not one the floor at all. After that we talked everyday at least once. Often it ended up almost all the time and we hung out at least five days a week usually everynight until very early morning hours. After about a month or so we got off work and hung out until we wanted to go to bed or could bear being apart, then I went home and saw him at work. We started all over again. Every once in awhile we went to his house at lunch and hung out then too. If he got off before me he walked by my department and told me good night which was the all clear to come over after work. Needless to say we were around eachother and communicating constantly. This continued the constant the whole time we were together. When we did not talk during the day for one day we missed eachother. We had a hard time spending nights alone. He let me decorate the house how I wanted and was there if I said I needed him. I was spoiled. From the moment we met he was always around me and finding excuses to do so. That did not wear off after ten years.

Now I have had two different experiences. The first is guy I met a year ago. We talk on messenger and have not exchanged phone numbers. We talk about wanting to hang out but then do not talk for months. Granted it is a bit more complicated then a normal situation but for my part I do not miss him when we aren’t talking. He is great to have around to entertain me but it is not something I need. He is a good guy when I started my summer quarter he said he was trying to fnish early so he could see me, even though he did not take into account kids and such. The next quarter we walked most thursdays and brought me a dr pepper every time even though he said and I quote “Don’t get used to it”. But I still do not have even regualar communication with him now. In fact I think I have finally scared him away and then I hear from him after a month or so.

The second encounter is more recent. There is this guy I hung out with in high school who I recently saw again. I told him I was almost divorced and he said hey lets hang out here is my number so I can text you. This is a risk for me as my soon to be ex husband pays the bill. I did though. I took that small risk which for me is a huge step. It has been two days and no word. Two days may not seem like a lot, or maybe he is waiting until I am divorced. However as stated in my history above by now we were contant so two days of silence speaks volumes to me.

In fact the guy I most talk to is my almost ex. We talk at least once a week with the kids as an excuse in the beginning but in the end we are just talking. We have taken to talking about a half hour on drop off which may not seem like a lot but that visit is only two hours. Last week we talked after as well. When my car door got broke he rushed to help me fix it. He paid for my wind shield wipers and wouldn’t let me repay him. He is more then generous with me in this process financially. In many ways the past few months it has been like getting my best friend back that I lost before I even left, but especially after. So to look at these glimpses into dating makes me frustrated.

I want the guy who can’t stand not talking to me. That will be there for me. That will appreciate me, but so far I am seeing that in my almost ex. Ironic ay? I want to move on and find my next phase guy now that I am not 19 anymore. It is not that I have emotional attachments to my almost ex because I always will, first love and other things as well as father of my children. It is that those things I valued in that relationship so far do not seem to exist in the real world, or at least this phase because theydid happen before. Is it too much to ask? I just want that great love again. The ex complication is not a part of how a guy treats me, in my humble opinion, especially during the getting to know you phase.

Maybe that was the good ol’ days. Maybe I just really hate dating and am not good at it. I am really good at friends zone and serious commitment. The in between, eh…

Maybe the song it true but instead of first kiss it is first love.

Never as Good as the First Time

Sade

Good times they come and they go
Never going to know
What fate is going to blow
Your way just hope that it feels right

Sometimes it comes and it goes
You take it ever so slow
And then you lose it
Then it flows right to you

So we rely on the past
Special moments that last
Were they as tender
As we dare to remember

Such a fine time as this
What could equal the bliss
The thrill of the first kiss
It’ll blow right to you

It’s never as good as the first time
Never as good as the first time

Good times they come and they go
Never going to know
It’s like the weather
One day chicken next day feathers

The rose we remember
The thorns we forget
We’d love and leave
We never spend a minute on regret

It is a possibility, the more we know the less we see
Second time, is not quite what it seems
Natural as the way we came to be
The second time, won’t live up to the dream

It’s never as good as the first time
Never as good as the first time

Natural as the way we came to be
Second time won’t live up to the dream
Natural as the way we came to be
Second time is not quite what it seemed

It’s never as good as the first time
As the first time, the first time

Natural as the way we came to be
Second time won’t live up to the dream
Natural as the way we came to be
Second time is not quite what it seemed

It’s never as good as the first time
As the first time, the first time