I guess we never really moved on It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words – it makes me weak

I will admit to being a chronic googler. Something comes up in my head look it up! Questions about a show or actor look it up! Confused about my feeling, blogs and whisper! I want to desire to read my bible as much!

However in this quest to figure out my feeling I have looked up everything about divorce. I would give you a list but that would take up the whole page! Right now it is about lingering feelings, and feelings of doubt. These things keep me up at night. We say we can’t get so close, then we do. I try do no further harm, then those heart strings. Those heart strings are pulling us both apart. Especially after I got an email from my lawyer.

I had asked him if I had to appear in court. Partially because I have truely bad anxiety when it comes to authority figures and speaking in front of people. That is bad enough I had to stand up in front of a judge in the begining and it was nerve racking. I am also honest to a fault, usually. And in all honesty if I go in front of a judge and he asked if this is what I want I cannot answer yes. It is not even the I am sad my marriage is over, I am such a failure. It is more I do not know if we are doing the right thing. Neither of us do. I just know that how reality sits it cannot work RIGHT NOW. I know there are factor that would make it a disaster. The love is there but the trust is not. There are real life factors that complicate things even more. Choices we both have made that are not reversible. They are not things that you just shrug off. But we both feel like it is not over, even though we were BOTH sure it was.

This song was our anthem when we were on and off in our younger years. These feelings below were the stepping stones to cheating on who we were with, which led to us being back together AGAIN. Then repeat. Over and over and over. So many hearts broken or damaged between us. People who thought they could be the ones to change the pattern. People who had no idea until they were in too deep. Here we are in our 30’s doing it all over again. I just wish that I could see the plan to know where it all will lead. Is he the guy who I am meant to be with because we keep crashing together, especially when we try to stay away. Or is the mistake I just keep making over and over again. Is he the person who I am supposed to learn from? Are we meant to go our separate was to reunite twenty years later?

I know God has a plan in all of this. I know he has his timing and I have no control over that. Knowing it and being patient for it are two different things. I have always been really bad at that. I want what I want now, or I want what Gods plan (which is far better then mine) right now. At least give me a glance. I know you are good God. I know your plan is so much better than I can imagine for my life. I know you are faithful and can work your will when I screw it up, over and over again.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

That is my ungraceful segway 🙂 The reason I am more so confused is this factor…

To pretty much sum up all of this information we have been talking about. He sends me this…and no he did not write it. He found it online.

I hate how you left me without any sign, 
I hate that you moved on without saying goodbye, 
I hate how your smile makes me give in, 
I hate that your always making me want to caress your skin, 
I hate how you can’t talk to me when she’s around, 
I hate that when she leaves you look me up and down, 
I hate how you made a mark in my heart, 
I hate that you let us drift apart, 
I hate how when I say I hate you I don’t really mean it, 
But most of all….
I hate how you know I can’t hate you…..
And never will. 

Some of these fit me, some fit him. It is the equivialant our mixed feelings right now. The things we have been saying to eachother…or in some cases not saying. The looks the everything. All of it. With paper just waiting for a signature. I have amazing timing. We have amazing timing.

Now if you need me I will be like this..

And because I am feeling the Greys Anatomy…

Greys anatomy quotes are like crack sometimes! And they do not help AT ALL…Because life is not a TV show.

Lips of an Angel

Hinder

Honey, why are you calling me so late?
It’s kinda hard to talk right now
Honey, why are you crying, is everything okay?
I gotta whisper ’cause I can’t be too loud

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And, yes, I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me?
Will it start a fight?
No, I don’t think she has a clue

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But, girl, you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey, why are you calling me so late?

Say something, I’m giving up on you I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you Anywhere, I would’ve followed you Say something, I’m giving up on you

When we navigate through life we find certain hamster wheels we get stuck on. Some we do on our own, other times we do them with other people. It starts a simple thing, then it becomes something much more dangerous. Good word recently said about me. It applies more to my own hamster wheel.

Okay maybe those are cats but you know. Same thing.

When I was 19 I met a boy. We were just friends then it became more. Then we broke up. Things happened we were all grr. We said hey we can be friends again. Well, that led to more which led to a break up later. Then we did it again and again. There were times we were seeing other people and we decided we could just be friends. Well that led to  us lying about hanging out. We had boundaries about touching or kissing (as in do not do it) until new years eve where we had our first new years kisses ever. Then we were having an affair. It was not the first time. That is not the story though. We ended up being really good “friends” with little care about who was getting hurt. We did this until we found ourselves in an actual commited relationship. We did good for a long. But we did this hamster wheel many many times.

This is a very  emotional and draining thing to do. Yet somehow I still find myself with the same delusions. Over time out extents got bigger. We were committed to one another for almost ten years or so. When that got badly fractured we had ‘radio silence’ as he expalained it for a few months then we texted, but when I did not make the physical attempts or talk to him on the phone for personal reasons to my own healing. Which led to radio silence, which led to well all of this beautiful chaos. Silver lining talking.

Usually the shift from friends or even radio silence to more was some sort of chaos in our lives, good or bad. This drew us back together to be there for eachother. We were best friends first then the emotions and the feelings. Then we try to avoid eachother, which fails. Then the talking…then bam.

So, he is in a relationship. I am morally staying married until I am not. We got to a place where we could talk and get along concerning the kids. We went a little more in depth. We were at a good place, not crossing any lines. Then my life had a crisis. This crisis hit the triggers that made the things I was okay with a month ago seem…like mistakes. They seem like things that I need to stop from happening. I lost the people I have to turn to not because they stopped being there but because they had too much on their plates. And some of those things were the triggers. It made him seem like the only sane person in my life. He just may be.  But that stupid hamster wheel.

The day that chaos started I happened to drop off the kids at his house. I started talking about everything but what I wanted to. We talked about kids, his work, my school. We even started talking about some things that went wrong with us. The things that ended it for us personally. We corrected misconceptions. Something was said about he got his girl friend to help pay the bills but it struck a cord. I made a snide remark about it being worth ruining our marriage for. Then that hit me close to home and when I was getting in the car I started crying because of my chaos. He saw and thought it had to do with what he said. He texted me and I told him it helped just talking to him. That I had something different going on unrelated and he had helped just being around.

We spent a few weeks just talking in general. Texting when he was at work. Making excuses to visit him there with the kids. We started crossing lines here and there. No physical ones but ones that were small to most people. They were the start of the wheel for us. Then life got more chaotic and I got (am) scared about my future because I am almost done with school. I am overwhelmed. He had the kids for a few days during spring break and I had way too much time to think. I started school and cut my class load in half. Too much time. I was having an over emotional day so I went to a movie which I was falling asleep during. He said he wanted coffee and I brought it. Along with a long no boundaries, rant which I talked a lot and paced. I laughed I cried and we crossed so many verbal lines. He let me take control and set the rules. He answered the questions, said the right things. We went from oops there was one foot to lets dance all over it. We even had the awkward we can’t touch because of the subjects we were covering. It all hit us again. We said everything but I love you. It was all chaotic and emotional. We left at a weird spot.

The next day we started the texting and it felt good. He called me a tease and nice to look at. This is tame compared to the day before. Then I asked if he was planning on rerenting a place with her, if he was lying. He was all wishy washy.  I know he has stuff to work through, but I cannot stand in the side lines waiting or being in the middle of life. So we essentially broke up again. I told him before I needed this clean break (divorce) and we would see what the future would hold. I also told him the day before that I was hurt he didn’t fight for me. I told him I needed to see what happened. I dropped bread crumbs. Then I ended it. I cannot emotionally go on the hamster wheel, I am too old. Too much is at stake. And I want to be happy. I want Gods plan for me not my own.

It is kind of refreshing though. When we did this over a year and half ago every one was watching. I had two little girls I needed to help dealing with the chaos of it all. I had to put on a brave face and fight for everything. I became hard and jaded. I was in fight mode constantly. Now I do not have to. We are almost ready to finalize. This time I feel depressed. This time no one is watching. People do not realize the lines that have been crossed. They are too busy with their own crap. I am good in their eyes with it all because I have been for so long.

Tonight I planned on taking sparkly galaxy pink bath using my bath bomb. It turned the water black. Usually I read but instead I sat and thought and felt. I was just the feeling I was. I literally got lost in the black, though it did have glitter. It felt really good. To actually be able to be alone and feel what I am feeling. This weekend he has the kids. I am getting together with a girl friend for a girls night. I get to feel those things I could not feel then. I was angry with him but had to hide it. In the past few weeks I told him. I am going to deal with it while no one is watching. I am going to be open to possibilities out there, including him. I will not close off my world. I will not put my eggs in one basket though.  I have officially given up.

I left the bread crumbs. I told him that I was open maybe one day but I needed him to fight for me. I needed a fresh start because this one is screwed up. It is up to God if it involves him or not. I know I have him forever because he is my kids Dad. I do not know if we will be able to be friends again. I do not know a lot. I know that it is not up to me. I know God can fix what he wants, but for me I need that break. I need to be me. I need to be open to what is out there. I am finally getting the chance to do what I thought I did in the begining but I was faking. Now I have no reason to fake it.  No one is looking anyway. They have something new to look at, this is past for them.

I bid it all ado. I washed off the black from the bath bomb and washed off the walls.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh, oh, oh, oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something