I guess we never really moved on It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words – it makes me weak

I will admit to being a chronic googler. Something comes up in my head look it up! Questions about a show or actor look it up! Confused about my feeling, blogs and whisper! I want to desire to read my bible as much!

However in this quest to figure out my feeling I have looked up everything about divorce. I would give you a list but that would take up the whole page! Right now it is about lingering feelings, and feelings of doubt. These things keep me up at night. We say we can’t get so close, then we do. I try do no further harm, then those heart strings. Those heart strings are pulling us both apart. Especially after I got an email from my lawyer.

I had asked him if I had to appear in court. Partially because I have truely bad anxiety when it comes to authority figures and speaking in front of people. That is bad enough I had to stand up in front of a judge in the begining and it was nerve racking. I am also honest to a fault, usually. And in all honesty if I go in front of a judge and he asked if this is what I want I cannot answer yes. It is not even the I am sad my marriage is over, I am such a failure. It is more I do not know if we are doing the right thing. Neither of us do. I just know that how reality sits it cannot work RIGHT NOW. I know there are factor that would make it a disaster. The love is there but the trust is not. There are real life factors that complicate things even more. Choices we both have made that are not reversible. They are not things that you just shrug off. But we both feel like it is not over, even though we were BOTH sure it was.

This song was our anthem when we were on and off in our younger years. These feelings below were the stepping stones to cheating on who we were with, which led to us being back together AGAIN. Then repeat. Over and over and over. So many hearts broken or damaged between us. People who thought they could be the ones to change the pattern. People who had no idea until they were in too deep. Here we are in our 30’s doing it all over again. I just wish that I could see the plan to know where it all will lead. Is he the guy who I am meant to be with because we keep crashing together, especially when we try to stay away. Or is the mistake I just keep making over and over again. Is he the person who I am supposed to learn from? Are we meant to go our separate was to reunite twenty years later?

I know God has a plan in all of this. I know he has his timing and I have no control over that. Knowing it and being patient for it are two different things. I have always been really bad at that. I want what I want now, or I want what Gods plan (which is far better then mine) right now. At least give me a glance. I know you are good God. I know your plan is so much better than I can imagine for my life. I know you are faithful and can work your will when I screw it up, over and over again.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

That is my ungraceful segway 🙂 The reason I am more so confused is this factor…

To pretty much sum up all of this information we have been talking about. He sends me this…and no he did not write it. He found it online.

I hate how you left me without any sign, 
I hate that you moved on without saying goodbye, 
I hate how your smile makes me give in, 
I hate that your always making me want to caress your skin, 
I hate how you can’t talk to me when she’s around, 
I hate that when she leaves you look me up and down, 
I hate how you made a mark in my heart, 
I hate that you let us drift apart, 
I hate how when I say I hate you I don’t really mean it, 
But most of all….
I hate how you know I can’t hate you…..
And never will. 

Some of these fit me, some fit him. It is the equivialant our mixed feelings right now. The things we have been saying to eachother…or in some cases not saying. The looks the everything. All of it. With paper just waiting for a signature. I have amazing timing. We have amazing timing.

Now if you need me I will be like this..

And because I am feeling the Greys Anatomy…

Greys anatomy quotes are like crack sometimes! And they do not help AT ALL…Because life is not a TV show.

Lips of an Angel

Hinder

Honey, why are you calling me so late?
It’s kinda hard to talk right now
Honey, why are you crying, is everything okay?
I gotta whisper ’cause I can’t be too loud

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And, yes, I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me?
Will it start a fight?
No, I don’t think she has a clue

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But, girl, you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey, why are you calling me so late?