Every year my church has a word of the year. It is supposed to represent your year, what you feel will happen. Or even what you feel you need. Last year it was transformation. That was a pleasant year.
This year I struggled. I was going for one that is like connection. That feels good, my family connecting. I guess if you look at the date I am getting that as well. This word kept popping up, not from me. It was like that little fly that keeps buzzing around you. That word was….
REFINEMENT!
How bad can that be?
This is a historic year. The first month felt like it was a year, but the next once flew at such a speed it feels like a tornado. I should be more freaked out right? To tell the story fully I have to start at the new year.
I watched a show that said the person you kiss at midnight is the person you will end the year with. My husband, still living seperate, was supposed to come by after work. He ended up falling off the wagon a couple days before. I ended up ‘accidently’ spending the night with my kids at my friends house because at that point I was uncomfortable home alone with kids not knowing where he was or what he was doing. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy. My kids just do not realize their Dad drinks, they just know he has phases where he “works a lot”. One day it will be figured out but for now they do not realize, their secure life is not effected. That is what I fight for, their security as much as I can control.
This start should have been a sign. I have spent the last few months with him being in and out. My side is cleaning my side of the street. I am working on personal growth so who I am I to make any big choices. My family is unconventional at best, but it works. He comes around when he can and is sober, he stays away when he is not. The kids have a secure roof over their heads (as much as one can say that) and they know they are loved. There is family that they do not see often and do not understand. I just pray one day they understand why I have done all I have and see that I have done the best I can. This strange peace with it all. It is almost detached. I am not sure wether to be happy God has granted it or worried I am too detached. Alas….
I am reading the bible in a year and working on my refinement. I am leaving him space to go through his own personal journey. I think there is a reason this year has put so much distance in our times together so that we both look at ourselves.
There was an attack on my work life (while the personal one is still in progress). There was a CEO change at my company suddenly. The person who replaced the old one, a good one, was let go after a week from a sales position. A week or so later she was the CEO. She was bit extreme and had a bankruptsy under her belt. Lets just say that was the tip of the iceberg. It only lasted about a week, then she was suddenly gone. For that week thougb we were all worried we were going to lose our jobs when the company closes down. If you look above to the part about my kids secure home, this threatens that. Then one of the founders steps forward to run the company. Still uncertain because look at what all happened. This has evened out though, mostly.
If you follow the news at all we are in the corona virus season. This has made it so with my husband falling off the wagon a few weeks ago, then him going to get labs at the hospital for an unrelated issue. Being overly cautious leaving him away until we see if he picked up any corona virus germs there, makes about a month since he has been over. I am oddly okay with this. He is not. I am with the kids so I get to see them.
Following the news also says that the schools are shut down until the corona virus…passes? Luckily, I can work from home. I am homeschooling my kids. We are growing food. Right now I have everything I wanted and talked about having ‘one day’. I am so calm with it all that I am almost indifferent. I am so blessed that when work went from no one is going home to only when your kids school get closed (now it is anyone willing minus a skeleton crew, heck even the lady who runs the deli from across the street is starting on friday when she closes her deli to help us out in office) my home office appeared in a day. My co-worker had a desk, my parents had a chair. Internet came a few days later. Within days I go from not set up to fully stocked. I am so blessed to even have a job, much less an essential job right now. You see I am an ambulance biller. That kind of makes me medical field related, and I can do it from the safety of my home, with my kids there not around people. We are self quarintining before it is a thing. Fun fact at the moment amazon delivers AND picks up return packages. This is where my amazon prime membership more than gets paid for in shipping cost I do not pay.
Do you see all these blessings. My instagram would resemble the perfect life, or mostly. Heck, I think God is even using all this for my husband to actually work on himself in a big way. No person could predict or make this happen. This is when God works big things in my life. When something so crazy happens that you can’t help but change.
However, tonight after my kids were in bed I laid down on my couch and felt…nothing. It was all so blank. Here I am getting more than I could ask for and I am empty. Not laying down full of joy, not overly tired. NOTHING!!!
Is this normal? What is normal? Is this what peace feels like? Not feeling like your missing something? I need Kristina Kuzmics thoughts here lol.
“Desert Song”
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow
MsMollyC 