I got a short attention span, cause i am an american Must be something in the air

First, to be transparent usually I have a vague idea of the theme of song I use, rarely a certain song. There is some interesting stuff. This guy is my most surprising yet. I was going for more poetic and less satire but here we are!

My last post I talked about how I am committed, like unnaturally so. There is one HUGE exception to that. Projects.

Last night, I finished my paint by numbers I started some time in 2020. I usually finish my latest, buy a new one and take forever again. There has been a few exceptions which are ones I bought in mind for others. Those I usually finish in a month or two. Some I simply see and like them.

NOT MY PAINTING

It is not limited to that either. I am currently ‘working on’ a blanket I have been knitting for 7 years. It is not difficult. I just need to work on it. To be fair it is for my husband and we were seperated for a while. Also, if it had been done before that point it would have been destroyed or gotten rid of. Best case it would have been in the storage unit that did not get paid for so it went to auction. That would have been frustrated.

The thing with me is if I make a project for a person it HAS to go to them. Once I started a scarf for a friend that I ended up losing her friendship. I never told her about it. I was watching her brothers kids at the time. Him and his wife went on vacation. I gave it to them to give to her as ‘something they picked up for her somewhere’. If they never followed through, I do not know, is no longer on me. I could not give it to anyone else though.

I do not always take forever. One year I made two big baby blankets, one for my mother in law and assorted other knitted gifts for christmas including knitted caps for my neices and nephews. All this happened in about six months. This also happened over a year before I started my current blanket.

I am not limited to crafting projects. I started this pandemic doing a work out daily plan. I made it over 90 days. I got into shape. I no longer do it. That is right I have been in this pandemic state for long enough to go in and out of shape.

There is also vitamins, skin care and just about anything else you can imagine.

That does not mean that I lack follow through. I did resin projects that I only stopped I ran out of resin. I ordered a different type and used all that. If you do not know resin is not cheap. I find myself not justifying buying more at the moment. I want to soooo bad.

I did Keto awhile back. I did enjoy it alot. But I worked in office full of other Keto people. Across the parking lot was little owner run cafe. That meant that if I got really hungry I could call across for food and walk to pick it up. I did lose the weight. An added bonus was that the no bread cut out alot of sweets. I stopped. I do not know why. I keep saying I will again then I buy oreos or bagels. No self control 😛

There really is no deeper meaning in this post. I was just thinking that my last one did not show all of me. I am feircely loyal and committed. I am also so very flakey. The whole part of this is to be open. This is huge because if you knew me I am either very guarded or very open, like please stop TMI. All or nothing.

I am however very straight foreward when asked a question. I will answer honestly. Beware of what you ask.

Also, beware of hoping I will be non guarded with you. I really have NO FILTER!

Short Attention Span

Mucky Pup

Album Five Guys in a Really Hot Garage

 

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN LYRICS

I got a short attention span, cause i am an american
Must be something in the air, fast food, t.v., i don’t care

Home of the big cars, home of the soft minds
Just the thing, that i despise
The kids can’t read, and the kids can’t spell
I’m telling you mom, this place is going to hell

America is the, drive-thru nation
Everybody’s got their own, television station

I come from the, velvetta generation
Keep it simple, cause i can’t deal with complication

Wow – growin’ up american
Yea – we’re growin’ up american
Wow – growin’ up american
Yea – that’s grown’ up american

I said money, money changes everything We think we know what we’re doin’ That don’t mean a thing

This is a different, less personal post. I guess it is a bit but not about relationships.

My favorite thing to say when I do something that that my husband may not like, or would be surprised, is ‘I did a thing’. I got their long hair cut to their shoulders…a text with a picture of half cut hair. Big messes like hair dye and resin. My personal favorite, and often played, when I somehow get food burned onto the bottom of the over…again. This last one I have done a lot. It also means on his limited time he has off, before he can cook dinner, he has to spend about an hour scrubbing out my oven. I am SO good at that. When I say ‘ I did a thing’ I can only imagine that he is mentally saying ‘oh crap’.

This title is about money, so it is not about an oven. This thing I have done, I do not plan to tell. It will be great or really bad. The obvious answer is to write it in a blog then right? Well, it is not a huge thing. But it is scary for me. I have downloaded Stash (well awhile ago) and have invested a little bit in it. I cannot say I have made great gains or losses. It is easy. I am basically going off the theory of do not gamble what you cannot lose. The what if it is something good keeps coming to mind. If it ends up being big when I am ready to retire that would be so cool. If the US economy crashes my little experiment that is okay. What if it ends up big though.

What if this is the one thing I am doing right? Okay, not the one thing. I know that I did the right thing with my job, even though I am not employed. What if this was a right money move? It is my small glimmer of hope that this was a good risk. I guess time will tell.

I know there are alot of different views of stocks. I am on the fence. I have seen people do good and others not so much. The economy is..well… no comment. I do not have much to make an accurate prediction. I mean look at the Gamestop thing. It was like hacking the stock market.

Money is hard. The advise given is like parenting advise. For every one side of opinion there is the other side saying that what they said is wrong. I have messed enough with money be it my choice or going along with what someone else says. We have lost cars, went bankrupt and other mistakes.

Now, we are living in an ecomony that makes it almost impossible for most people to have a one income house hold. This was not true even when we were a young family. Our start of family was him working at walmart supporting our child and me. Hopefully the future flows that way again. Or some other solution hits.

For today I am unemployed with a tiny bit of money on a stock application. Maybe I should persue a MBA just to understand how it all works. I cannot be the only who thinks that the days of trading goods was simplier.

Lyrics

She said, I’m sorry, baby, I’m leaving you tonight
I found someone new, he’s waitin’ in the car outside
Ah honey, how could you do it
We swore each other everlasting love
She said, well yeah, I know, but when we did
There was one thing we weren’t really thinking of and that’s money

Money changes everything
I said money, money changes everything
We think we know what we’re doin’
That don’t mean a thing
It’s all in the past now
Money changes everything

They shake your hand and they smile
And they buy you a drink
They say, we’ll be your friends
We’ll stick with you till the end
Ah, but everybody’s only looking out for themselves
And you say, well, who can you trust
I’ll tell you, it’s just nobody else’s money

Money changes everything
I said money, money changes everything
Ya think ya know what ya doin’
We don’t hold the strings
It’s all in the past now
Money changes everything

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Money, Money changes everything
I said money, money changes everything
We think we know what we’re doing
We don’t know a thing
It’s all in the past now
Money changes everything

Hey, yeah, yeah
Money changes everything
tMoney changes everything now
Money changes everything
Money changes everything
Money changes everything
Money

Bag full of wishes, but they seem to never work *It’s crazy how fast you went from sweet to so cold *And now it’s ’bout that time that I should really let it go

e This song is about love or sex…but tonight it is about life paths.

How can you tell?

I like rules, I like order. I like knowing what I should be doing. If I had a map to life it would be boring but so nice right now. Life does not come with a map though. I am kind of over that though.

Lets be real. If life handed me a map and rule book, I would have said ‘screw you’. I would have done it my way because ‘you can’t tell me what to do’. Aren’t we all so ironic. I say we all because I know I am not the only one sitting in this camp. Is it a grass is always greener thing? I am not sure.

I feel like I am floundering here jumping from one pool to another. Maybe this water is right, no maybe this one. Then back to the first.

Okay, that is just a funny take.

The most ironic part is that I am loyal, like to a T. If you were my friend ten years ago, we have not talked in seven, and you need me…just call me! I have been in love with the same guy since I was 19, and he was the first guy I was REALLY attracted to in high school. If you have read any of my past blogs you know it is not always a walk in the park.

Even now he has his stuff, I have mine…and we are in the stage where kids get in the way of other activities. We have not had a real date in seven years. It does not mean that we were not committed or enjoying eachother, it is simply oppertunity. In the past a movie after the kids finally went to sleep had to do. Then there were the years my youngest was a baby. We slept in shift because he worked in the morning and she did not sleep until very early in the morning. I stayed up all night, he woke up at something AM and it was my turn. Two ships passing off the cargo in the night.

Honestly, our split was not so surprising due to stress and no give. We were stretched to the brnk and it broke us both. I am not blaming my youngest, never. She is a light in my life. It was simply a factor that got put on the top of the pile. The pile we had been working on since we were 19.

I digress. I was talking about LOYALTY.

We went through some crap, and I stayed. I left because the kids did not need to be around him that way. Dad needed to be a good guy, eventually they would have seen stuff. They did not need to see more stuff. The day I packed my youngest was playing on her sitting push car happily. I preserve that memory in a sad/happy space. She never realized the unhappy moments. She was too young. That moment was why I left. The night before too.

It was not lack of love, but the ultimate show of it. I am sure he did not realize that then, I do not know about now. I was hoping that he was going to hit the bottom and get better. I was not throwing in any towels. The rest is what it is.

I mean I had a great guy, who showed me what its like to wait for you to be ready. To make you feel worth it. He is in fact the next greatest fling in my life. No one really knows though. My husband and few others do. It is not a public knowledge thing, nor my finest moment. He still has a ‘box’ in my closet though. Part of me hopes he finds this and understands what I could not say to him. It was me. I was otherwise committed in my heart. The lines got blurred for me but I could never jump over that line. I was married legally…and I could not forget that. LOYALTY. Until that legality was cut off, I was stuck. We never got there though.

I went into a limbo of what do I want to do and I did not want to make any big decisions…so I was married. He was off doing his thing but I could not. LOYALTY.

It is not just to him I was loyal to every job I have held.

BUT what happens when you have no place to put it?

I am looking for a home to place it. I want a place that will be loyal to me as well as me to it. A place where I am making a difference. I just do not know what that looks like.

Watching Private Practice does not help. A family of doctors. There for eachother. Does that exist in real life? I can only have faith that it does. Until then I am holding on by a thread…good thing God is my safety net.

Good thing God is more loyal to me (and you) than I could ever be to anything or anyone (including Him). He is a good strong hold because oh boy am I weak.

Lyrics

SHOTS IN THE DARK

TRIPPIE REDD

Yeah, yeah

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

You’ll always be on the same shit, and I know
Bag full of wishes, but they seem to never work
It’s crazy how fast you went from sweet to so cold
And now it’s ’bout that time that I should really let it go
But I’ll be back again, you’re my medicine
I can’t go a day without that feeling and you know
Feelings rolling in, back to feeling dead
Hard to understand it, but I’ll never let you go

It’s a twisted love (ooh-ooh)
Nothing here could save me
Don’t feel right without you (ooh-ooh)

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

You use to say you’re in love
But you’re not, and that’s okay
You’re never playing fair with your heart
Shawty my Mona Lisa, love all of her features, yeah (beautiful)
She a fine work of art
I completely understand that you’re mine after dark
Know your mind, body, and soul ain’t ready for the love scars
This Hennessy been liquid gold and it’s cripped a broken heart
Tryna find your love again, yeah

It’s a twisted love (Ooh-ooh)
Nothing here could save me
Don’t feel right without you

Girl, you’re leaving me scarred (scarred)
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark
Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard (hard)
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark

For someone else It just takes some timeLittle girl, you’re in the middle of the ride Everything, everything will be just fine

This post is going to be real raw and emotional, because that is just who I am today.

Watching a show with proposals. They are all do I make you happy and such. It got me thinking that what would I do if mine proposed at this second. I honestly do not know. When he did I never thought twice. In fact I thought he was going to due to my roommates make over and his making everything special. We went to dinner and he said something about going home. I was so mad. Then he compromised by taking me to the water front. To a gazebo ( I love those) and never got on a knee but sat down. I do not know why I am saying that. It probably matches my mood. I still did not hesitate. We were so happy.

Things fell apart after we had our first child but we stayed together and parented like roommates and bit of benefits. Eventually we got there again. We were happy. Sitting on our couch he says plan a wedding (this is two years later) and I did. It was planned for about four months later. We got married the last day of the month but the first day of the month we went to my friends wedding. After the wedding he took me to a beach, the first time he took me to it it was his spot he did not take anyone. He got down on one knee ( I think) and appologized for not asking but telling me that way. He said a million sweet things and asked me again. Luckily I said yes because our wedding was in 30 days.

Why the walk down memory lane? Is it for me or you?

I am in love with him. I am not happy, but I may just be very scared and uncertain. I do not do so well in this season. I can handle one or two things up in the air but right now EVERYTHING is up in the air and a pandemic. I have such bad insomnia that I am up at 1:33 AM and its normal. I am not okay. I cannot show it though. Greys Anatomy had a character who is taking care of her sisters kids while she was in a covid coma. She also had one of her own, a baby. Her boyfriends parents took the kids for the day and he is thinking about sex. She sat on the stairs and cried saying its the first time she can do so without worrying about tramatizing anyone (little humans). This whole year I have been home with the kids trying to be all calm. As it seems pieces keep falling apart. Maybe it is into place. It probably is but I am so tired. If I show too much worry, my oldest witll try to fix it and my youngest will become overly emotional. Their Dad is too busy dealing with his stuff to notice much for the day to day. I am a human island. I am not alone but I am a human island. I just want to ….

I would not if I could. It is just not me.

In our early days I would be calm and calm until …I yelled. Not in the arguing angry way. Just like an explosion of everything I held in. Only to him. He did not get mad either. It was like he had the sixth sense that he knew I needed to clear it all out. There were also other ways to get the aggression out that were good. I was always calm. Since he started drinking I could not air any grievance. He would take it out on drink. Then we were seperated and I had the kids. If I made it seem like it was not okay it would add more to their plates, and they had enough. I went to school and made a life. It was good. Then he came back. It was good I had those things again. Then he started drinking again. Then a pandemic started. Then he got clean and did the after rehab short term personality change. Then he came around again. Then I honestly do not even know. I have lost count. Now I am unemployed. Now he is going to court. And now past factors that went into my worries non alcohol related from when we did live together are coming up.

This time I have boundaries. The pattern is those factors stress him out (they take all the time from us or the kids, those MUST be first) and he looks for validation or a place to complain when he is trying to play superman. I am supposed to blow the wind to help him fly, but he crashes. So, when he sent a text (no phone calls little ears everywhere) complaining about not being able to sleep or take care of his health for this factor I kind of sent a text back that had no wind. It was a rock. He may lack the boundary issues but I grew them over the last few years. I can choose to not listen. I can watch him crash. Maybe it is good he has a court date. That is the hard crash.

I guess going back to my original would I say yes if he proposed. It would not be no. It would be we need to work more here. I need to see more. I cannot step from where we are and who I have become into our old marriage. It will not end up well. I have grown.

Hopefully all this is his growing pains. I need more, I diserve more. Our family needs to grow not stay in the same early twenties mind frame.

Good news. I woke up today very down and worried about money and everything. I did my bible study and it was about God giving your daily bread. It showed a verse that was amazing. It was calming. God is listening.

Jimmy Eat World

The Middle

This song got me through a whole lot when I was a teenager. It put into perspective that it was the middle, not the end. I was attracted to it because my brother one time called me little girl. ONCE. Never underestimate the impact you can have on a person.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on

Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
When you’re away

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own (On your own)
So don’t buy in

Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough (Good enough)
For someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all righ

tIt just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Whoo

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out (Feel left out)
Or looked down on

Just do your best (Just do your best)
Do everything you can (Do everything you can)
And don’t you worry what their bitter hearts (Bitter hearts)
Are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go Part 2

Technical issues in part one mean a continuation:

This is complicated area. As somethings are what is happening with us and some things that are road blocks.

I did mention his drinking. While there are many things to that point. I will simply update the facts. This is usually good to do especially as it is his thing. I only get to report what it means to me. It has been a year, that is for sure. I was correct in 2020 being the year to see change. Change comes at a cost usually. In any addiction it is not only paid by the addict.

Last summer he made a mistake. A few months later he finally went to rehab. As we know mistakes do not disappear when you make a good move in serious situations. Next week is his last step in trying to make it so his past is not a current threat. He may be sent to rehab, he may be sent to jail. I am choosing to have faith that it will work out like it should. I have no control to change anything if I could. He has done many good steps to prove he is changing, but the end is up to the judge. Until we know more of anything, we are kind of in a holding place. We cannot focus on the next steps for us until it is done. I would not move any further than we are until it is resolved. I need more proof of reliability and sobriety. This may be from the past. All the stuff that got kicked up again in this storm. This may be wise caution. I just know I cannot live in a house on egg shells like I did before. The kids do not need their hopes up yet because it was heart breaking to ‘break apart’ their family when it happened. It took a lot to get to where we are now. I may be over cautious. I am okay with that. There is also money that in this rental market is a factor. We are still trying though.

That is where I am right now. A whole season of this. Last year was my year of refinement. That leads to last thing I will say.

The word of 2021 is…

Pray for me 🙂

Looking Forward Looking Back

Slim Dusty

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I’ve seen
All the love we’ve had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we’ll be fine, unlike some
I’ll be leaning forward, to see what’s coming

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I’m alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I’m okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back

I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go

Some days this feels futile, somedays it feels like an online record of my past.

Here we sit, over one year later. We have come so far, but feel no closer. I supoose that is the way it is in the human condition. It is fitting, after reading my post last written, what my update is. If I were to write every detail of the year it would be overwhelming and possible novel length. In up date style I suppose I shall go by catagory.

I had mentioned one CEO change. We had another. With each change that happened it seemed a bit different. By four different ones in year, it was a whole different world. Add many other management changes and boom, unrecognizable. I will save the drama, as honestly I am tired of talking about it, and just stick to the fact that I am unemployed. I may not agree with their why after a time in any situation you see it is not the same and futile to try to cling to how it was. When the end came I was okay with it. The relationship was not the same I started in.

This leaves me waiting for unemployment and living off my savings. Luckily, with Dave Ramsey and the recent stimulus payments, we are okay for a bit. Although I am very tired of others being so worried about it. I had gotten a bit paranoid in the past few years with his drinking (leading to paying off my car) and the rumors of possible covid issues. If you take in the political unrest, you have a trifecta. I will admit I got comfortable at times and over spent. I should have more than I do, but it is enough. The amount of people asking me if unemployment has been approvied or what I am going to do is what is causing my stress.

I am taking time at the moment to look for jobs that could be fun, or places that seem interesting. I am taking the time to learn more. I am using linked in learning and looking into getting back into school. Also looking into getting certified at my job, although not much studying as I should. There are a few dark contemplative moments.

If I am being absolutely honest the loss of my job, especially in the way in which it happened, left me doubting myself and feeling wronged. The fact that my references and recommendations are from the same job seems a bit ironic for me. I left the situation with one letter or recommendation, four references and one linked in endorsment of my skills. With any sort of job loss there is a sense of self doubt. I apply for jobs and wonder if I am in fact qualified. I am left a bit more selective as well because my girls are still doing remote learning, as you will read below later, I am their only full time consistent. There is a growing amount of remote jobs available now days so at least that is a positive covid related change.

It is exciting to see how many different types of jobs there are out there.

This is the point where I admit that when I went to school for and joined my field of work I did it because I knew people who worked from home. There was no looking or searching. I got lucky and actually enjoyed my job. I would not mind doing it again. I simply lacked the confidence in myself to think I should or could look around. I do not regret any of it. Even not becoming certified after finishing school. I needed the confidence to know I could or was capable. What has helped was those things I was told early on by people who were more experienced, that struck me as off but I ignored because they had the experience, I was later told were the wrong things. It turned out I did know things. I simply lacked the confidence to believe in myself. Silverlinings do exist. I cannot find myself regretting anything I have done or experienced. I am a much better person then I have been professionally because of all of this.

Side note to professional growth. Have you all heard of imposter syndrome. I had not but boy oh boy. I am guilty. I am trying every day to fix this.

It seems odd to try to write a professional update when I am unemployed however there it is.

Okay... look for Part 2. This page is formating so strange.











Looking Forward Looking Back
Slim Dusty

Looking forward, looking back
I've come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I've seen
All the love we've had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we'll be fine, unlike some
I'll be leaning forward, to see what's coming

Looking forward, looking back
I've come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I'm alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I'm okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I've come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back

I swore that I’d never let you back in Should have known better Than trying to let you go

April 12, 2021

Posting this imperfect attempt. I am not sure when this was except before March 2020.

As my old CEO said:

Here We Go Again

Demi Lovato

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages

I tell everyone we are through
‘Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
Cause I break down

Every time you come around
Oh oh oh oh

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better
Than trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We’re falling together
You’d think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Every time that you look at me

You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use

Can’t be with or without you
O oh o oh

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better
Than trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We’re falling together
You’d think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

Oh
And again (and again)
And again (and again)
And again

I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
O oh o oh
O oh o oh

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better
Than trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We’re falling together
You’d think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

‘Cause here we go go go again
Again (again) again and again and again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again

Oh the irony. This song and post title were here waiting for me. Life has changed in really weird way and for the most part of all the changes have left me with one feeling…numbnes. The funny part is most of my strong feelings have found me when they were bad. Now that all is good, or the end is in sight I am mostly so tired from the journey so far that it has given mybody a special treat. The permission to stop running on my hamster wheel. The end result is that I am not feeling much of anything. So there is very little passion behind my post. That is why there was a complete set up waiting. My solution is to write what life looks like now.

I finished school and have a job now. My first ‘real’ job since I had just had my oldest, ten years ago. I love it. I have a cubicle and my own accounts. There is an office setup that just for me! To some that may not seem like much but I share a bedroom with my youngest and a closet with both of them. ‘My bathroom’ is not only mine and the girls, but the main bathroom of the house. So to have my own space is amazing. Also the time to be an adult is super nice.

And I guess the bad can get better Gotta be wrong before it’s right 3.21.2020

When I was a kid I used to get growing pains. I remember how much they hurt, and it felt like it would never stop hurting. Then if only one leg hurt maybe they would be uneven. I worried about that, then hoped the other would not hurt like that one did. To wish that it would never got to the other side. You cannot have it both ways. I wanted it all to happen pain free. To just wake and it all be over. I wanted to skip all the unpleasant parts. Isn’t that just so…human. I spent a few years doing the growing pains involving my life. I thought it would be the worst ones.

I thought that learning to move on alone was it. It would just be only cleaning up my side then maybe adding another person box by box in my space. When you have kids thats how you have to do it, in my opinion. Then I found a guy to add to only half of my life, the none kid home life side.

Growing Pains

Alessia Cara

Make my way through the motions, I try to ignore it
But home’s looking farther the closer I get
Don’t know why I can’t see the end
Is it over yet?
A short leash and a short fuse don’t match
They tell me it ain’t that bad
Now don’t you overreact
So I just hold my breath, don’t know why
I can’t see the sun when young should be fun (fun)

And I guess the bad can get better
Gotta be wrong before it’s right
Every happy phrase engraved in my mind
And I’ve always been a go-getter
There’s truth in every word I write
But still the growing pains, growing pains
They’re keeping me up at night

Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
And I can’t hide
‘Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
And I can’t hide
‘Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night

Try to mend what’s left of my content incomprehension
As I take on the stress of the mess that I’ve made
Don’t know if I even care for “grown”
If it’s just alone

And I guess the bad can get better
Gotta be wrong before it’s right
Every happy phrase engraved in my mind
I’ve always been a go-getter
There’s truth in every word I write
But still the growing pains, growing pains
They’re keeping me up at night

Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
And I can’t hide
‘Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
And I can’t hide
‘Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night

Starting to look like Ms. Know-it-all
Can’t take her own advice
Can’t find pieces of peace of mind, I cry
More than I want to admit
But I can’t lie to myself, to anyone
‘Cause phonin’ it in isn’t any fun
Can’t run back to my youth the way I want to
The days my brother was quicker to fool
AM radio, not much to do
Used monsters as an excuse to lie awake
Now the monsters are the ones that I have to face
No band-aids for the growing pains

Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah (ah yeah)
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
No, no band-aids for the growing pains