Please tell me what you’re thinkin’ Last night we were more than fine Just tell me if you changed your mind If you changed your mind

My last post was an update; see mental health things and such. This is the trickle-down, the real reason for updating.

My relationship has been not a fairy tale. Maybe a twisted one. I am not claiming innocence, and everything just happens to me. I will say I have grown quite a bit in the last five-ish years and come to terms with myself, the good and the bad. I also developed some self-confidence. I know what I bring to the table, good and bad. I am a full-time single mom, and I have found my stride, mostly. There are preteen hormones, and my youngest getting her ‘big girl’ emotions in full swing. With kids, the circumstances constantly change. I am happy with my life.

However, I have started getting tired of being an option. The theme in my relationship is a game of hot and cold. I am the love of his life, or he is not sure. It seems once the “honeymoon” is over and the work starts, it gets cold again. It feels like a betrayal to say it. Mostly, I have become so independent that it does not phase me much. Lately, it has just been a disappointment. I keep expecting more because maybe this time. I keep being patient because “he is working through things”.

The kicker is that when I give the same indifference or just move on with my day and do not text first, he says he is getting mixed signals. The truth is, I am starting to simply mirror him back. If he is texting a lot, I am. If he does not say a word, neither do I. If he sits across the room from me, I let the space sit there. This is new. Before, I would seem to make him feel loved, or so that he knew I was really there for him. I am tired.

The kicker is, other than his comments on it (pot to kettle), he is still my best friend. I am still glad that he is the person I had these kids with for the rest of our lives. I have no regrets. I just get tired of feeling like an option. Especially 15 years, two kids, and always being there to support him. Nothing will do if everything I have done cannot convince him that I am not there for him enough. We walked off the brink of divorce. I have stood by him, except one selfish year when we first separated, through everything. I have forgiven everything, even things he has not done. That is not to say there is no fallout from choices, just that I forgive him. Maybe I have been too lackadaisical. Maybe the pandemic will bring lasting growth for him. I know God has a plan, and it is better than mine. I just wish I could get a glimpse. I am clinging to faith. Until then…

Honestly, though…all the dudes out there COMMUNICATE!!!!!!

Right now I am leaving the schedule open and the door. At least it cannot be said, even if he gets in his head and thinks so (which he does), that I was the one closing these doors and windows.

One wonderful thing I got after processing the emotions and crap from the separation is that I am okay alone. I can be a single mom. I want a partner, a nonconditional partner. I do not want bread crumbs for a meal. I guess that is true growth. In the end what he has said or done matters little to that. Only time will tell.

SONG LYRICS

Lyrics

Small talk, no conversation
That look makes me impatient
I can’t tell what you’re thinkin’
Please tell me what you’re thinkin’
Last night we were more than fine
Just tell me if you changed your mind
If you changed your mind

‘Cause I’m all, I’m all in
I’m callin’, no answer
But you text me when you feel like
When it feels right to you
But I’m all, I’m all in
I’m fallin’ faster
But if you’re looking at me
With a heart of doubt

Don’t kiss me right now
Don’t tell me that you need me
Don’t show up at my house
All caught up in your feelings
Don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t build me up just to let me down
Just to let me down, down, down (ayy)
Don’t mess with my head
Don’t tell me you’re falling
With your feet still on the ledge
I’m all out of breath
Baby, don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t kiss me, no, don’t kiss me right now
On your lips, just leave it
If you don’t mean it

Oh, yeah
You know you got me in the palm of your hand
But I love those hands
Oh, yeah
But you only let me hold you when he can’t
Yeah, I don’t understand

‘Cause I’m all, I’m all in
I’m callin’, no answer
But you text me when you feel like
When it feels right to you
But I’m all, I’m all in
I’m fallin’ faster
But if you’re looking at me
With a heart of doubt

Don’t kiss me right now
Don’t tell me that you need me
Don’t show up at my house
All caught up in your feelings
Don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t build me up just to let me down
Just to let me down, down, down (ayy)
Don’t mess with my head
Don’t tell me you’re falling
With your feet still on the ledge
I’m all out of breath
Baby, don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t kiss me, no, don’t kiss me right now
On your lips, just leave it
If you don’t mean it

Hurry home, let’s never leave the house
(But you don’t mean it)
Let’s stay in bed while all our friends go out
(But you don’t mean it)
Why you let those words come out of your mouth?
(If you don’t mean it)
You’ve been staring at me with a heart of doubt (ah)

Don’t kiss me right now
Don’t tell me that you need me
Don’t show up at my house
All caught up in your feelings
Don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t build me up just to let me down
Just to let me down, down, down (ah)
Don’t mess with my head
Don’t tell me you’re falling
With your feet still on the ledge
I’m all out of breath
Baby, don’t run me ’round and ’round
Don’t kiss me, no, don’t kiss me right now
On your lips, just leave it
If you don’t mean it

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Ari Leff / John Graham Hill / Jordan Richard Palmer / Michael Matosic / Michael Ross Pollack / Paul Jason Klein

Mean It lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Lauv & LANY – Mean It Lyrics – Genius

Update.

It has been a while. Life is crazy. In fact, it has been two years into a global pandemic. This post has nothing to do with that besides the whole theory that it has pointed out things in relationships due to the stress and strain that otherwise may go unchecked and challenge all sorts of things like mental health and addiction. We were not spared from this. Although it seems that it revealed how far apart we are.

This is about me, though. Let’s face it more than that, the past two years have had me making choices that I never thought I would have to. As a result, I have had to rethink my priorities and set boundaries that have quite frankly sucked.

Boundaries suck at first, but they teach you things about yourself and the people on the other side. From the beginning of my journey, I started putting my girls first. I walked out of my house because it was the best for them, when I wanted to stay and “help.” After a year or so, I took time to be as selfish as a mother of two can be.

Eventually, there was a balance in there before the pandemic.

In the first year of the pandemic, I took advantage of the domestic benefits while working from home. My girls were doing school remotely, and I was working remotely. So we had time and lived in a bubble for about six months. But unfortunately, while that was happening, I had to set boundaries in our lives that left lasting rifts. So I am still waiting to see how that will play out in the long run.

About a year later, it all changed. I was forced to choose between losing my job (I did not realize that until after) or, well, I would say my kids, but there was no choice. In this new world, childcare is not as accessible as it was, and there is none for a junior high aged kid. Not to mention the fact that schools were not in full time yet. Ultimately, there was no choice, I could not return to the office. I could elaborate but that was a year ago and simply another thing. I have been working different gig jobs for the last year, and I went back to school.

Honestly, I am living off faith at this point but that is another thing that I am okay with. It has helped me grow.

I have more but that is another subject. I will leave this as an update for now.