Not to be dramatic or anything but some things lately have all been playing in my mind. Two media causes are quite simply timed well. One, Steve Harvey had a clip on Instagram. A lady was saying she had been with a guy for six years but something or another had not been good. That is not the important part. She asked if she should stay or not as she REALLY did not want to start over in the dating world. Relatable. He asked how things had been and could she take another six years of how it was if there was no change. That hit me hard. We have been trying to ‘work things out’ for about four years. At least I thought so. There have been relapses and such. I am stubborn I refused to allow him to make an emotionally charged decision with a non-clear head. I gave space and time while being committed and faithful. “How noble” or braggy that may sound. The truth is less than. While that all was true and I cannot kiss or be unfaithful when I am married as I found out many years ago, there are other things too. Another element is, besides a pandemic, I am basically a single mom (I say basically as he does play an active role when he is there and I get child support) and my life has had to revolve around my kids. I am busy. I am a full-time student and a full-time mom. The status of my marriage status matters naught. It does not hinder my life as it stands and only helps it during tax season. In short, it does not affect my life usually. That may sound cold, but really I am logical to a fault.
Secondly, the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial is three or four weeks in at the moment. Besides some funny Johnny Depp humor and sad facts, it has brought to mind much is worth staying for? While I am not abused there has been addiction (and related things) and cheating (more on that later).
Now, as stated above the circumstances are very different but that first sentence “I stayed with her because I didn’t want to fail”. You do not get into a marriage and think “I really hope that this marriage fails!” No, you go in thinking you found forever. If mine ever failed, if this last (sober on his part) attempt failed, then I knew. There would be no doubt, well a livable amount of doubt. How we parted before there was no clarity. There was a conflict, drama, flirting, betrayal, and silence. It was almost finished off with a divorce while ignoring what happened. Until…..
After that, there was doubt, emotions, and drama. Honestly, I am tired of that story. I am over all that. This was a new thing. This was a fresh start to actually figure it out. It was our last chance.
Now, I must add a note before continuing. We were young and immature when we met. Our history has unfaithfulness in it. When we were young he would break up then get back together to make his actions “better”. Then there was a vengeful time for me when I used mind games to get him to cheat on a girl who egged me on a bit. Next was…confusing. Drama in the simplest form. Mainly, we cheated together on others. We were immature for sure and I do not recommend this path. It was also a short year-and-a-half or two-year span.
At about 20 I decided I was too old for all of it. I broke up with him knowing he was seeing someone else. I knew it was one of two people (spoiler it was the girl from the first time). It all came full circle too many times and I was emotionally and morally spent. I had to change my life. Shortly after he came back. We had a fresh start and it was a good one. This lasted many years two kids and one marriage. It was not perfect but it seemed that we had gotten over the stupidity of the past.
Then enter addiction. This I am tired of talking about. I left after a couple years of it. I left because of his choices, but I left. I think he still holds that against me, that I did not play house in the chaos. That I choose a healthier life for the kids. I did not want to leave. If it was just the two of us I probably would have stayed. I do not take marriage lightly.
Then he got sober and in the first year got a girlfriend. Honestly, for more, I have other posts. Then when all I needed to sign the paper it changed, my whole life. I needed to be SURE. I was not. I could not lie to a judge and say I was sure.
Even then as he was living with someone else, he only signed because I told him emotionally I could not do his back and forth. He had a foot in mine and one in hers. STILL…even though he was living with someone he made me call it. Until life got crazy and I said I can’t right now until I get my head straight. The important fact here is it was because it was ‘my choice’. When in reality he was the one being unfaithful in that case. How much of a mind fuck is that? Remember that, that is important later.
Next is the last few years. I tried. I was committed to my marriage. I tried my best. That is all I can say. Honestly, for every time I thought we were making progress he backed off without telling me anything. Suddenly we were more friends. But he did not cheat. If I had the chance to leave for the reason of cheating it was gone now. Not that I wanted to.
So medical problems led to an excuse for him to rewrite our timeline. Again I gave time. I supported him. I lived my life.
Enter easter. After church with my family, we came to my house. We had movies and family time. He fell asleep on the couch with our daughter. My phone was buried under the balloons on the floor and I had no idea where it was at the time. His was on the table and I went to unlock it to take a picture. There was a Tinder notification. Now that may seem innocent but not if you have a history of cheating. I took the picture and handed it back. I asked him about Tinder he said he had it before but deleted it. He had some reason but I got stuck on the lie. I simply said by the way there was a notification three minutes ago. Thank you for the clarity.
That may seem strange but hear me out. I had been asking for months if he was still in it and the answer was “I am close to figuring out what I want”. When I explained how it felt like he was pushing away from me he says “I can see why you think that”. There was a sign it was over here and “one day I want to buy us a house”.All I was asking for was clarity.
The frustrating part came later. I had simply responded with “Thank you” nothing else. As he was leaving for a dinner with his family we were not invited to he gave me back his house key.
Later, that night he texts me…not “sorry” or even acknowledging what happened or that he lied. No, he texted “Now that it seems like you have made up your mind. What do we do now?”
So now, he had a dating app and was being hot and cold but AGAIN (see I told you it was important) the whole ‘split’ was because “I made up my mind”. The obvious fault shifting so that again if we divorce “I made up my mind”. Worse, when I pointed out that earlier this afternoon I had a faithful husband who we were working toward a future and now I don’t” I was just trying to start a fight or argue. That is right because discussing it or making a point in why is starting a fight. How on earth does this make sense?
My only response was that he shook up everything and the fact that our kids just had a great family easter in their eyes that I needed 1) a month to adjust and 2) that we would stay as we were for the time. No kid needs to know that their desired family fell apart on an easter that they enjoyed.
Honestly, their life remains the same either way. We live so seprate and he is busy on weekdays. It simply kills their hope for a future under the same roof.
That was too long.
Here is the weird part. While I was at work, I was listening to music. All of the sad ones felt not applicable. I am not sad per say. I am tired. I am over it. I would rather be alone than have to deal with any more back and forth. The hot and the cold is exhausting. I know how to be faithful. I give everything I have to my relationships. After 15 plus years I know what I bring to the table. I know that I am worth more. More importantly, not only is there cheating (or the attempt to) there is not now nor was there before any sort of recognition or repentance. It was an utter ignoring and passing the buck to me ‘making up my mind’.
This leads to my last request from him. He has to call it. Being married does not change my life. It means family cell phone plans, car insurance, and such. If he wants to actually be single he has to call it. I do not want the story to be able to be told that he is the victim because I ‘made up my mind”.
In the end, the song stuck home the most. I feel sorry for him because unless he changes he will never know unconditional love from anyone. He will just cheat. It is not even “I hope she cheats”. This time I want to be friends still. Last time was emotion let’s try logic this time. That is all I have on that. I am glad I got it out.
Here is a word of caution. Be careful on dating apps ya’ll! There are people, like my husband on there. I am not sure why he downloaded it. I am not sure who he talked to or if he met anyone. If so she is simply another girl in his jar of hearts. I am not sure he knows how to commit to a person yet. He is in fact still married and he had not ever made his intentions known to divorce. He kept it and me on a shelf for a rainy day. He is probably not the only married guy that is “single” on there. Some probably live with a woman.
I am going to be single for a long time. I am okay with that. Ex-wife may be better than wife that is cheated on. It sounds harsh. It hurts my heart because the Dad he is and the friend he is, do not agree with that. Maybe someday he can figure out how to value himself enough, or maybe not. That is not my journey.
YOU SUCK AT LOVE
By Simple Plan
We started off incredible
Connection undeniable
I swear I thought you were the one forever
But your love was like a loaded gun
You shot me down like everyone
‘Cause everyone’s replaceable
When you’re just so incapable of getting basket deep
Woah oh oh
Guess what another game over
I got burned but you’re the real loser (hey!)
I don’t know (hey!) why I wasted my time with you
You’re bad news, a history repeater
You can’t trust a serial cheater
We could’ve worked it out but you suck at love
You played me like an amateur
Then stabbed me like a murderer
I’m left for dead, another one of your victims
It’s not like you’re unpredictable
But your act is so believable
I know it’s nothing personal
It’s just business as usual
You’re good at what you do
Woah oh oh
Guess what another game over
I got burned but you’re the real loser (hey!)
I don’t know (hey!) why I wasted my time with you woah oh oh
You’re bad news, a history repeater
You can’t trust a serial cheater
We could’ve worked it out but you suck at love
You suck at love
Now I kinda feel bad for you
You’re never gonna know what it’s like to have someone to turn to
Another day, another bed
It’s just a game inside your head
Woah oh oh
Guess what another game over
I got burned but you’re the real loser (hey!)
I don’t know (hey!) why I wasted my time with you woah oh oh
You’re bad news, a history repeater
You can’t trust a serial cheater
We could’ve worked it out but you suck at love
Guess what another game over
I got burned but you’re the real loser (hey!)
I don’t know (hey!) why I wasted my time with you
You’re bad news, a history repeater
You can’t trust a serial cheater
We could’ve worked it out but you suck at love
Source: LyricFind
MsMollyC 