The irony is a…fudge bar. After posting about the weird peace in my life…this weekend just….but I digress.
Yesterday was good however, came the awkward money thing.
I am simple with money. No matter the relationship, I do not keep a tab. I do not worry about most technicalities. I assume that money has a way of shifting around. I had him pay for my headlights as I had not moved money around accounts. I then paid for stuff he needed from the grocery store. Tit for tat per se. I do not pay attention to you paid x, and I paid y, so you owe me z. Aside from that, I am still raising his children, so he has come through in a pinch. It has been this way for the whole time since we were 19. Yesterday he made it weird. First, he seemed surprised I was asking him to cover the headlight cost. It may seem an assumption on my part but, he has always covered that for me, even when separated. For example, when he was living with his girlfriend, our daughter broke the handle of my door and he fixed it with no hesitation. I was a bit taken aback by his surprise then. Then at the store, as I am paying for food for my house, I do not think but to add his stuff. He gets all strange and says well since your doing that forget about the headlight as what I am buying costs more. He had a strange notion to see how much, even though it was impossible. I told him to stop as it is annoying.
At the same store, I was pointing out that a tree was pretty wondering if it was real, as I assumed it was not. He seems to join my fascination about this tree which is nice if someone is paying attention to what you are. Then he says “my mom would love one in her yard”. Thus making me insignificant again. It is an annoying habit of his when he puts space between us for obvious reasons on his part. Although if you were to ask him, he would deny it all, so I don’t ask. Before it would matter but it does not anymore. I do still notice such things though like a mental library. I was just left so mad because I am trying to share my observations and it turns to someone else, even his mom (or maybe especially his mom?).
However, the night shifted back to family time and such. Being as that is what I care about more than anything about us romantically, I let it all go.
Funny though I bought hair dye and he asked if I planned to put it in our kids’ hair (I have before) and I said it depends on how much is left. He does not like this. But it fades so fast that it has never bothered me and they enjoy it. My oldest though pretty much told him that she did not care what he thought about it or whose experience he calls on for it ruining hair (someone with health problems). She tried to say he had no right to state his opinion which I corrected as everyone does. But I was laughing so hard at her attitude as she is an absolute daddies girl. That teen attitude is on its way around the corner.
He left last night saying that he would be over today. That was fine and well except the day got later and he kept pushing it back. There was talk about his dog and even early in the morning, I do not think I will make it. He kept telling the girls that he was not sure yet. At one point that it was up to me. He kept being bugged by them and he kept giving me his reasons to which he said all of the reasons. I am not getting in the middle of it with his kids. I kept them entertained and we painted.
However, the youngest was crying about him saying he would be over and he is not. So, I let her call him. He came over late and it was fine. I was just mad because no matter how legit your reason is kids will only see when you do not show up. I used to run interference for him when he did this stuff, but now I am tired of it. I shielded his actions before but it has been many years now.
My oldest said something significant though. After he left she was upset and cried (reverse as the youngest felt bad for his dog and shoo’d him out). She said that 1) she wished he was perfect. I told her that no one is. She said she was but she is only on the brink of teenhood. She also said 2) that she wished we could live together and we could live happily ever after. I told her the unfortunate truth that life is not a fairy tale. She knows, she has been through it before which is why I was heistant to let them know we were trying again until it seemed almost definite. She sees the crack again now. One day I want them to see a devoted, lasting relationship for their parents (albeit it seems separately).
The worst part was he was dodgy about me seeing his phone or being near it. I was writing on canvas with sharpie and he had left it face down (again) on my desk. When he got up he grabbed it and put it away even though I was not even turning it over or looking at it. I have not looked at it since easter. He has not left it face up since then either. My oldest wanted to show him how her name showed up on his caller id in his call log and he got sketchy and confirmed she was telling the truth instead if “showing mom”. I am so done. If I were to assume I would say he has a girl he is working on or dating. It could also explain how after spending much of the day with us yesterday he was so unavailable today. I would assume a girl would get suspicious if he spent most of the weekend with another girl, even if his children were there too. Even if I am wrong it shows how shattered the trust is, enough so that I could not trust him to tell me the truth. Honestly, I would think I would get as much respect as last time in which I caught them grocery shopping as they were moving in together AND he still lied knowing I had seen them. As I told the oldest, life is not a fairy tale.
For my song, I am going back to my roots. It hits on not getting where you had hoped but “I hope you had the time of your life”. Also, “It’s something unpredictable but in the end is right”. There has to be faith in that at least. I cannot change the past but I can have hope for the future, that is the only thing in my power at this point.
Also, I never knew that Good Riddance starts with the F bomb! Yeah that little surprise suits nicely.
Green Day
Good Riddance
Fuck
Another turning point, was a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end, it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and a good time
Tattoos of memories, and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end, it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end, it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end, it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Pritchard Michael Ryan / Armstrong Billie Joe / Wright Frank Edwin Iii
Good Riddance lyrics © W.b.m. Music Corp., Green Daze Music
MsMollyC 