There is something hopeful about a new chapter, however, if honesty prevails, there is a bit of sting in what has passed.
It has been a while since I updated you on what has happened, and the truth is that it doesn’t matter.
I am divorced.
What I told my family is that nothing big happened because it was nothing big. The fact that he only asked this time because he had a girlfriend instead of searching for one was nothing new. his girlfriend of choice is also getting a divorce. She is also a girl, and we have a history of using him to get back to each other when we were young is ironic, though.
Small-town kids, they kind of suck. Our kids go to school together.
The worse part of it was, I guessed it, and who. When he brought up or before he brought up wanting a divorce and he lied again. Like I said, nothing new.
This should not be normal.
The process was strange.
He told me via text. We planned the details in an hour over text. He did the papers online. A couple of weeks later, we met with someone to look over it all. That same day I was back in for an open court house and bam. Over ten years of marriage and almost seventeen years of a romantic relationship later… all terminated in fifteen minutes at a courthouse and a few weeks’ time.
The funny thing is that it doesn’t feel different. Only now, if I look at a guy and think he’s hot I don’t feel like I am being unfaithful. If I dream of a future with someone new, right now its the idea of what kind of man I would marry again, it does not feel like I am giving up. I tried and was faithful for me. He gave up, he moved on in the worst way. They are breaking up two marriages. Ours was fractured for the last seven years after the blows of addiction. Theirs was not. There are kids in both relationships playing together like its normal. My kids only found out less than a month ago after family holidays before that. After assuring them that it was not for anyone else a few weeks later they are all together on a visit. Including all the ones that follow. His mom told them that she liked her.
What all this has done is made me relieved that I can walk away. Not only can I walk away but because of his motivation we agreed on everything. The details do not matter. It looks a whole lot like it always has. Unlike the first time though there was no fight from either of us. We looked like two people who had figured out successful co-parenting without the drama.
The question is, why did I stay and why is it a relief?
The answer is my faith. If you know anything about Christianity it discourages divorce except extreme circumstances. It preaches hope when all looks lost. It teaches that a wife can redeem her husband. I believe in all of this.
I also believe in free will. I believe that despite the above some people will refuse to do their side. I don’t believe God wants his children sticking with abusers and cheaters. God loves everyone, especially his children.
The bible also teaches that if the non believer asks for a divorce then you are to give it to them. The funny thing is he has asked straight out of rehab (I told him to wait until he was more recovered then ask again) and after I caught him with a dating app on easter he asked if I wanted to ask for one to which I said wait a month and ask again. I would have said yes. I could not ask for my own sake, nor did I want to destroy my kids thought that easter was amazing. I did not want them to attach the two events together. That was a year or two ago. He never said anything again.
Now to be honest that is not counting the original time when we almost divorced but that was seven years ago. That is documented here.
My relief was the fact that he asked and we agreed. The agreeing took much longer last time and many hurt feelings. We do get along and co-parent well now. We have gotten better at it.
At the end of the day I am disappointed that the man that I trusted not only lied, but broke up two families to do it. All the while he acts like it the most acceptable thing in the world. He/They act like it is acceptable to do so and even normal behavior that all should be tolerant about. I did not realize that our moral compasses were so far away from each other. That opened my eyes.
The funny thing is when I was in court and was asked if my marriage was broken beyond repair, it was not his face that came to mind but hers. Not in a thought of jealousy or anything of the such but because his choosing to act this way made it so with me. Because when I was hanging out with a guy waiting for my last divorce as friends with a whisper of a chance, he tried to kiss me in a movie moment kind of way. When he got close the word in bold red letters marriage popped in my head. It mattered. When he was offered the chance of breaking up two marriages with an ex he acted like the past family holidays were nonexistent and that their reality was the normal one. Who he has shown me he is in the past few months in concerns to relationships and me makes it beyond repair. I will always be the back up or not enough. There will always be the hope of someone else for him. A way I lack even after all of my twenties and half of my thirties. Two kids and a marriage later, still I am not enough. To someone else I will be enough. To someone else I will be enough to fight for. Everyone deserves to be enough. The fact that I am not enough for him does not take away from me anymore. I know what I bring to the table.
I can thank him for that. He helped me grow strength at times through hurting me. It no longer hurts like it used to. The fact that he stepped back into our past with more consequence than three kids being immature showed me how much growth I have achieved. Instead of acting 20 again, I am exiting the situation and letting the chips fall where they might.
For my side: before he even asked an old friend and I started walking. I have a girls group with dinners of moms who also happen to have kids at our kids school. I have a support system in my family I nanny for. I am about to start my senior year of BA in psychology soon. I have felt like I was started to find my groove besides the loop in which our relationship was.
We went with my friend to a BBQ For memorial day which was fine. She said only that we needed to figure out what we wanted. After I told her she said I looked miserable. Now I don’t. It shouldn’t be that way. I am happy to be off the dollar coaster.
Lyrics
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by
You know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done, that’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
For me
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good
MsMollyC 