*If parts are missing…it just is. The copy process was not great.*
Where to start?
Since officially divorcing, many things have happened, but parts of the past have been revealed. I feel happy to be done, but I also wonder how I became such a fool.
The past has come full circle, and patterns have emerged. Not with me, but with him.
I have a new group of friends. One of them worked with him after I had my youngest, RIGHT after. When we met through our third mutual friend, she told me that he asked her, while she was pregnant and married, to go get lunch. He did not wear his wedding ring that he wore home and he did not feel the need to share that he was married. In fact, while he was coming home all devoted to me, he was going around work known as the creepy guy who kept hitting on everyone. This is the same store I walked laps around while pregnant with that same baby. The same store in which I still visited for lunch on random, thinking it was weird he kept taking us around a corner. The same store we started dating in. The same store in which I worked in. The same store where I knew half of his co-workers. Silly me kept prancing in all happy and delirious in love looking like a fool. Part of me did not believe it, even if because he would have to be a special kind of dumb to do that when I stopped in when I felt like it, right? RIGHT??
Well, a few months ago, he added me a friend on Facebook. Yes, that’s right, the Facebook he used to use. I was not his friend, and he posted all the pictures I sent him to keep him in the loop. Besides a few articles about ‘pushing away the one you love’ or ‘what to think about before you say I love you’, there were photos and comments all cryptic. For example, the kids said ‘I miss them’ all woe is me the summer he chose not to see them for three months. Also, a post where we got married about how people change, but his life finally turning positive now. The sympathy for him from girl followers was slightly sickening.
It is important to add he only added me because he wanted to search my photo archives from usually inactive Facebook from our children’s babyhood, and I would not give him the old laptop which I still have in a closet. I’ve been connected to him since we were 19, married, and have two kids. We were sleeping together during our separation while he was with his girlfriend. Yet, I was not worthy to be his Facebook friend.
I am going somewhere with this, I promise.
My friend who worked with him today said she tried to find me on Facebook. I have a fun setting. I did way back when that meant you couldn’t ask to be my friend or find me easily. I’m a jerk like that and anti-social. I added her instead, and she has to go home; we both have kids. That means tonight, I can finally see her profile from whenever she added me. Looks like he is our mutual friend. How many other girls on there had no idea I existed. Maybe I should change my last name (married name) back to my name on my profile, but that would be spiteful. Also, I changed it so I could not be attached to the family name as it is not common, and I did not want to be found. My Google search to find me shows mostly professional connections, while this way, it is all private without it. I am the type to archive the pictures from my life on my photos, including my wedding photos, so there is that.
The one unexpected side effect of this divorce is the weird petty moments when I wish that I could hurt him or remind him of when he was a jerk (not that he cares) while also wanting to leave it all behind. There is much to process. One fun petty thought now that he finally added me on Facebook is that I joined the dating section. It would be really funny if one of his or her mutual friends popped up ay? That would be an interesting group hangout. He and his girlfriend, me and my boyfriend. I think it would be more intrusive thoughts, honestly.
That is another thing. He is with his old ex, who was married until September (they got together before either divorce), and there was a past…triangle action of spite when we were young. Now, they basically live together, and my kids have beds at her apartment. They call her kids step-siblings. Did I mention he asked for a divorce in July? Then she met them a few weeks later and has been on every visit since then. I personally do not care about what he is doing on that level, as I knew he was dating someone, and I assumed it was her when he asked for a divorce. It is the involvement of children and the rush I cannot get on board with. If I were dating someone, my kids would have no idea for at least six months and would not meet him for a while.
But this is about me. That is to establish how I was such a fool.
The last time we broke up before we got married, I broke up with him because I knew he was seeing someone. It was one of two girls, one of which was her. It did not matter to me. I was done with the games. I was about to move on to meet a new guy after taking a few months to heal. He texted me out of the blue, and I gave in. I thought all was good as he was over all the time and moved in shortly later. He had no time to see anyone else. Above that we were very…”happy”. He even asked me to marry him about a month after he moved in with me (this comes back later). He took over my cell phone bill and paid my rent. He took really good care of me. My roommates thought he was really good. The next month (yes, this was a three-month period), I was pregnant. While she was not planned, she was planned. My hormones got tired of hearing that I was not and hoped for a yes. He complied willingly.
When I was pregnant, I went down to our room for something and saw his phone on the charger. I had that girl urge to check it for some reason when I had not had that before, and when I walked in the room, I was secure in our relationship. It was a text from his now girlfriend asking if I got pregnant on purpose, like it was not a group effort. He walked in and made me feel guilty for checking his phone. I do not think I ever fully trusted him again in that way, but I tried really hard to. He never acknowledged the text or even that he was still talking to her. He also learned how to delete texts very well. I did not realize this yet.
Nevertheless, we kept going. Twelve years later, we are here. I would like to note the speed and the fact that I was charmed by him completely, as were my roommates. This gave me confidence.
The patterns…they keep playing. Now, I am the ex. He is ‘done with’, and it happened suddenly. He asked for divorce via text message at night while denying he had a girlfriend. I was not in the dark this time.
But he has been with her since this summer. He practically lives at her apartment. They are looking into buying a house. He is buying her a car. He asked my kids how they would feel if he proposed to her. If you look above, dear reader, that is a trend. And not for the first time.
When we first separated, he was offering me a third child to come back around the new year. By the end of January as I was slow to act, he was moving his new girlfriend he was ‘in love with’ into our house. He may have asked her to marry him, but I’m not sure. He said my oldest had romantic notions of them getting married on her own. But she did just as fast this time. His current girlfriend’s son calls him dad. Also, I gave up asking as I asked him for the consideration of knowing life changes for my kids, like change of address, future marriage, or siblings, before he tells them only so that I can be prepared when they come home. He said nothing like that was happening soon and he would tell me. I have heard what I know from my kid’s reactions coming home, good or bad. I asked once when he would not answer the girl who asked if they were going over to her house in front of me why he asks like that late via text. That it would be better for the kids if it did not seem like a secret. He just said ‘well, you know me,” to which I replied I used to. To be clear, I don’t ask them any questions except ‘Did you have fun?’ or ‘How do you feel about that?’ if they give me news. I vocally support him or, at the least, say that I hope he is happy, but it is his (their) business. That is the truth.
Besides my worry for the children involved, although I could wistfully think that when we are young, the scale of the first one to get pregnant gets the guy turned the wrong romantic result (although the kids are not something I regret). When I look back and review our history and his, which has this pattern of moving in with a girl early (one had daughters) and offering the world, my hopes are not strong.
Selfishly though, while I was not his first proposal, I worry how I did not see the red flags back then to become his wife and mother of his children. There were many girls who had the same treatment, but the first girl (I was second) recognized the overreach of the gesture as he was trying to get her to not break up with him and said no. What else have I missed? Honestly, I do not want to know. I feel stupid. I am beating myself up.
In my own life, I am good. One of my friends came to my daughter’s performance at school. He had to work. She ran up to her, hugged her, and complimented her. She is picking her up from school when I am working as there is this sickness passing around, and I do not want her to be around the baby I watch while sick. We hang out on the weekends and play video games in a way I could not do much when I was younger as I was too busy raising kids and being overwhelmed with life. I really was a most devoted wife and mother. My world revolved around them. Now, he has them every other weekend and I only have one quarter left of my degree. I can have fun for my own sake. I am on dating apps, although I have had no luck. As I said, I’m a good wife but not great at dating. The pool is bad, but I thought he was a good one. I do not trust my judgment.
All of the above history, and I feel like the broken one. It is easy to compare lives. In the end, I feel like I will be the one in a successful marriage with no regrets. For today, I feel like I am the one doing something wrong. I keep finding duds, including fun scammers. I am not in a rush. I’m not ready for a serious relationship. I would enjoy someone to do things within the male variety. Just fun things like the movies, dinner, Christmas lights, etc. Maybe mini golf or bowling! High hopes, I know. It is hard to compare his ‘success’ when I cannot find a guy worth talking to on the phone. I did not say I was a patient person. Maybe that is why his game of Let’s Move One Hundred Miles an Hour worked so easily. That is the way of fairy tales…but life is not a fairy tale.
How can I be so happy but so frustrated?
Thank you all for being free therapy 
And ladies, if he talks about how crazy all of his ex’s are or past in which he moved one hundred miles an hour to move in with someone. That is a red flag. And I have learned one of my flaws as young girl was red flags appearing green. I would do it all over again, but I am glad our romantic saga is done. If I am the villain, I am at peace with that because I know the truth. I am created by a past we started at 19, for better or worse.
Taylor Swift “Look what you made me do”
I don’t like your little games
Don’t like your tilted stage
The role you made me play of the fool
No, I don’t like you
I don’t like your perfect crime
How you laugh when you lie
You said the gun was mine
Isn’t cool, no, I don’t like you (oh!)
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me…
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do
I (I) don’t (don’t) like your kingdom keys (keys)
They (they) once belonged to me (me)
You (you) asked me for a place to sleep
Locked me out and threw a feast (what?)
The world moves on, another day another drama, drama
But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma
And then the world moves on, but one thing’s for sure
Maybe I got mine, but you’ll all get yours
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time (nick of time)
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time (I do it all the time)
I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me…
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do
I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
I’m sorry
But the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now
Why? Oh, ’cause she’s dead (oh)
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me…
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me…
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do
Source: Musixmatch
MsMollyC 