For someone else It just takes some timeLittle girl, you’re in the middle of the ride Everything, everything will be just fine

This post is going to be real raw and emotional, because that is just who I am today.

Watching a show with proposals. They are all do I make you happy and such. It got me thinking that what would I do if mine proposed at this second. I honestly do not know. When he did I never thought twice. In fact I thought he was going to due to my roommates make over and his making everything special. We went to dinner and he said something about going home. I was so mad. Then he compromised by taking me to the water front. To a gazebo ( I love those) and never got on a knee but sat down. I do not know why I am saying that. It probably matches my mood. I still did not hesitate. We were so happy.

Things fell apart after we had our first child but we stayed together and parented like roommates and bit of benefits. Eventually we got there again. We were happy. Sitting on our couch he says plan a wedding (this is two years later) and I did. It was planned for about four months later. We got married the last day of the month but the first day of the month we went to my friends wedding. After the wedding he took me to a beach, the first time he took me to it it was his spot he did not take anyone. He got down on one knee ( I think) and appologized for not asking but telling me that way. He said a million sweet things and asked me again. Luckily I said yes because our wedding was in 30 days.

Why the walk down memory lane? Is it for me or you?

I am in love with him. I am not happy, but I may just be very scared and uncertain. I do not do so well in this season. I can handle one or two things up in the air but right now EVERYTHING is up in the air and a pandemic. I have such bad insomnia that I am up at 1:33 AM and its normal. I am not okay. I cannot show it though. Greys Anatomy had a character who is taking care of her sisters kids while she was in a covid coma. She also had one of her own, a baby. Her boyfriends parents took the kids for the day and he is thinking about sex. She sat on the stairs and cried saying its the first time she can do so without worrying about tramatizing anyone (little humans). This whole year I have been home with the kids trying to be all calm. As it seems pieces keep falling apart. Maybe it is into place. It probably is but I am so tired. If I show too much worry, my oldest witll try to fix it and my youngest will become overly emotional. Their Dad is too busy dealing with his stuff to notice much for the day to day. I am a human island. I am not alone but I am a human island. I just want to ….

I would not if I could. It is just not me.

In our early days I would be calm and calm until …I yelled. Not in the arguing angry way. Just like an explosion of everything I held in. Only to him. He did not get mad either. It was like he had the sixth sense that he knew I needed to clear it all out. There were also other ways to get the aggression out that were good. I was always calm. Since he started drinking I could not air any grievance. He would take it out on drink. Then we were seperated and I had the kids. If I made it seem like it was not okay it would add more to their plates, and they had enough. I went to school and made a life. It was good. Then he came back. It was good I had those things again. Then he started drinking again. Then a pandemic started. Then he got clean and did the after rehab short term personality change. Then he came around again. Then I honestly do not even know. I have lost count. Now I am unemployed. Now he is going to court. And now past factors that went into my worries non alcohol related from when we did live together are coming up.

This time I have boundaries. The pattern is those factors stress him out (they take all the time from us or the kids, those MUST be first) and he looks for validation or a place to complain when he is trying to play superman. I am supposed to blow the wind to help him fly, but he crashes. So, when he sent a text (no phone calls little ears everywhere) complaining about not being able to sleep or take care of his health for this factor I kind of sent a text back that had no wind. It was a rock. He may lack the boundary issues but I grew them over the last few years. I can choose to not listen. I can watch him crash. Maybe it is good he has a court date. That is the hard crash.

I guess going back to my original would I say yes if he proposed. It would not be no. It would be we need to work more here. I need to see more. I cannot step from where we are and who I have become into our old marriage. It will not end up well. I have grown.

Hopefully all this is his growing pains. I need more, I diserve more. Our family needs to grow not stay in the same early twenties mind frame.

Good news. I woke up today very down and worried about money and everything. I did my bible study and it was about God giving your daily bread. It showed a verse that was amazing. It was calming. God is listening.

Jimmy Eat World

The Middle

This song got me through a whole lot when I was a teenager. It put into perspective that it was the middle, not the end. I was attracted to it because my brother one time called me little girl. ONCE. Never underestimate the impact you can have on a person.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on

Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
When you’re away

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own (On your own)
So don’t buy in

Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough (Good enough)
For someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all righ

tIt just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Whoo

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out (Feel left out)
Or looked down on

Just do your best (Just do your best)
Do everything you can (Do everything you can)
And don’t you worry what their bitter hearts (Bitter hearts)
Are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

Say something, I’m giving up on you I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you Anywhere, I would’ve followed you Say something, I’m giving up on you

When we navigate through life we find certain hamster wheels we get stuck on. Some we do on our own, other times we do them with other people. It starts a simple thing, then it becomes something much more dangerous. Good word recently said about me. It applies more to my own hamster wheel.

Okay maybe those are cats but you know. Same thing.

When I was 19 I met a boy. We were just friends then it became more. Then we broke up. Things happened we were all grr. We said hey we can be friends again. Well, that led to more which led to a break up later. Then we did it again and again. There were times we were seeing other people and we decided we could just be friends. Well that led to  us lying about hanging out. We had boundaries about touching or kissing (as in do not do it) until new years eve where we had our first new years kisses ever. Then we were having an affair. It was not the first time. That is not the story though. We ended up being really good “friends” with little care about who was getting hurt. We did this until we found ourselves in an actual commited relationship. We did good for a long. But we did this hamster wheel many many times.

This is a very  emotional and draining thing to do. Yet somehow I still find myself with the same delusions. Over time out extents got bigger. We were committed to one another for almost ten years or so. When that got badly fractured we had ‘radio silence’ as he expalained it for a few months then we texted, but when I did not make the physical attempts or talk to him on the phone for personal reasons to my own healing. Which led to radio silence, which led to well all of this beautiful chaos. Silver lining talking.

Usually the shift from friends or even radio silence to more was some sort of chaos in our lives, good or bad. This drew us back together to be there for eachother. We were best friends first then the emotions and the feelings. Then we try to avoid eachother, which fails. Then the talking…then bam.

So, he is in a relationship. I am morally staying married until I am not. We got to a place where we could talk and get along concerning the kids. We went a little more in depth. We were at a good place, not crossing any lines. Then my life had a crisis. This crisis hit the triggers that made the things I was okay with a month ago seem…like mistakes. They seem like things that I need to stop from happening. I lost the people I have to turn to not because they stopped being there but because they had too much on their plates. And some of those things were the triggers. It made him seem like the only sane person in my life. He just may be.  But that stupid hamster wheel.

The day that chaos started I happened to drop off the kids at his house. I started talking about everything but what I wanted to. We talked about kids, his work, my school. We even started talking about some things that went wrong with us. The things that ended it for us personally. We corrected misconceptions. Something was said about he got his girl friend to help pay the bills but it struck a cord. I made a snide remark about it being worth ruining our marriage for. Then that hit me close to home and when I was getting in the car I started crying because of my chaos. He saw and thought it had to do with what he said. He texted me and I told him it helped just talking to him. That I had something different going on unrelated and he had helped just being around.

We spent a few weeks just talking in general. Texting when he was at work. Making excuses to visit him there with the kids. We started crossing lines here and there. No physical ones but ones that were small to most people. They were the start of the wheel for us. Then life got more chaotic and I got (am) scared about my future because I am almost done with school. I am overwhelmed. He had the kids for a few days during spring break and I had way too much time to think. I started school and cut my class load in half. Too much time. I was having an over emotional day so I went to a movie which I was falling asleep during. He said he wanted coffee and I brought it. Along with a long no boundaries, rant which I talked a lot and paced. I laughed I cried and we crossed so many verbal lines. He let me take control and set the rules. He answered the questions, said the right things. We went from oops there was one foot to lets dance all over it. We even had the awkward we can’t touch because of the subjects we were covering. It all hit us again. We said everything but I love you. It was all chaotic and emotional. We left at a weird spot.

The next day we started the texting and it felt good. He called me a tease and nice to look at. This is tame compared to the day before. Then I asked if he was planning on rerenting a place with her, if he was lying. He was all wishy washy.  I know he has stuff to work through, but I cannot stand in the side lines waiting or being in the middle of life. So we essentially broke up again. I told him before I needed this clean break (divorce) and we would see what the future would hold. I also told him the day before that I was hurt he didn’t fight for me. I told him I needed to see what happened. I dropped bread crumbs. Then I ended it. I cannot emotionally go on the hamster wheel, I am too old. Too much is at stake. And I want to be happy. I want Gods plan for me not my own.

It is kind of refreshing though. When we did this over a year and half ago every one was watching. I had two little girls I needed to help dealing with the chaos of it all. I had to put on a brave face and fight for everything. I became hard and jaded. I was in fight mode constantly. Now I do not have to. We are almost ready to finalize. This time I feel depressed. This time no one is watching. People do not realize the lines that have been crossed. They are too busy with their own crap. I am good in their eyes with it all because I have been for so long.

Tonight I planned on taking sparkly galaxy pink bath using my bath bomb. It turned the water black. Usually I read but instead I sat and thought and felt. I was just the feeling I was. I literally got lost in the black, though it did have glitter. It felt really good. To actually be able to be alone and feel what I am feeling. This weekend he has the kids. I am getting together with a girl friend for a girls night. I get to feel those things I could not feel then. I was angry with him but had to hide it. In the past few weeks I told him. I am going to deal with it while no one is watching. I am going to be open to possibilities out there, including him. I will not close off my world. I will not put my eggs in one basket though.  I have officially given up.

I left the bread crumbs. I told him that I was open maybe one day but I needed him to fight for me. I needed a fresh start because this one is screwed up. It is up to God if it involves him or not. I know I have him forever because he is my kids Dad. I do not know if we will be able to be friends again. I do not know a lot. I know that it is not up to me. I know God can fix what he wants, but for me I need that break. I need to be me. I need to be open to what is out there. I am finally getting the chance to do what I thought I did in the begining but I was faking. Now I have no reason to fake it.  No one is looking anyway. They have something new to look at, this is past for them.

I bid it all ado. I washed off the black from the bath bomb and washed off the walls.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh, oh, oh, oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

“I wish somebody would have told me babe That some day, these will be the good old days All the love you won’t forget And all these reckless nights you won’t regret”

I am reaching the last legs of my divorce settlement. The first phase for me was the shock and denial, then came the the enlightened girl power. This phase is not fun it is the nostalgic, second guessing phase. Are we really doing the right thing? And if I have to reread the phrase irreconcilable differences again this week I will scream! My belief system of not divorcing is poking at me. When I know that there is nothing much that can be different. We may have had chances before but now to work it out but after all the pieces have fallen the way they have it is too late. If there is anything that could be done it is in Gods hands.

That sounds totally cliche but I am going on without a plan for where I will be. I just know that I tried to do this once. I decided who was the one for me, I decided we were meant to be no matter what. I forced it to be the plan, because God wants marriages to stay together so if I get married he will bless our union. He has to. It doesn’t matter what he thought before. Yeah, kids don’t try to force Gods plans.

My almost ex-husband and I have been talking about what went wrong and general feelings. How things are totally different. He said something about how he will never have the same relationship as before. Ours was different from his ones before and from the one he is in now. How he does not think any one will be that ‘special’ (I inserted that word to try to lighten the mood) again. In a sense that was it for him in the deep romance department. It got lost with our relationship. There is also comments about if we had had kids later and such..maybe if..maybe if…

I am in a different boat. I know what was there. I know what it still lingering. I also know there was a reason I left. I know that things are broken, not that they could not be fixed before. I know why. I am not a teenage girl with stars in her eyes. It just sucks to see the things that should have happened before this point to make it work. To see the guy that I fell in love with come back in a shell of a guy who seems so lost and hopeless. To hear even now that that part of him I saw before is only around with me, when he goes back to his new reality it is not there. It makes me want to crawl back about four years and yell at us both to watch out. To avoid…well this.

Instead I look at the future. I hope for a love that makes me realize that I can love more deeply than I thought I could now. One that makes me be glad that I found him at that time. That he was the missing piece of the puzzle. That I have a guy who was my husband but is my great friend, and the guy that is the love of my life. That I am blessed enough to have them both. That I have two great guys in my corner instead of the world

I saw in my twenties. Or God can come in and change everything.

He let me have my way once. He let us mess it all up. Now I am going to trust him to help me rebuild it.

But oh man right now I am looking back real good at the Good ol’ Days! I miss them, they were pretty awesome. They were my twenties. They brought a love, a marriage and two beautiful children. They held my youth, they were my stupid growing up mistakes. They were what I look back in with a smile, or sometimes want to cry. They are gone now. My twenties formed the me of my thirties. I lost the ideals, but the memories and feelings are still there. Now I need to grow up to my thirties and apply the lessons I have learned.

So I will end here in my head again. I will enjoy not having to worry about homework as I finally finished the quarter. I am going to get a glass of wine, kick my feet up and relax.

I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

I was thinking about the band
I was thinking about the fans
We were underground
Loaded merch in that 12-passenger van
In a small club in Minnesota
And the snow outside of 1st Ave
I just wanted my name in a star
Now look at where we at
Still growing up, still growing up
I’d be laying in my bed and dream about what I’d become
Couldn’t wait to get older, couldn’t wait to be someone
Now that I’m here, wishing I was still young
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Wish I didn’t think I had the answers
Wish I didn’t drink all of that glass first
Wish I made it to homecoming
Got up the courage to ask her
Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell
Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf
Wish I wouldn’t have worry about what other people thought
And felt comfortable in myself
Rooftop open and the stars above
Moment frozen, sneaking out, and falling in love
Me, you and that futon, we’d just begun
On the grass, dreaming, figuring out who I was
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe we always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missing what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinking about the past
While missing out on now
We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud
And I ain’t worried about the wrinkles around my smile
I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around
I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now
Those good old days

You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone
You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone

I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

All of the colors, paint a picture in my head Falling apart, but it’s perfectly perfect Like they said, nothing’s perfect

My life has not turned out like I expected. I am not where I expected to be.

This is the story of my right angle, and how it became my life

I am okay with it. I am excited to see where it all turns out. But lately, okay this whole time there had a trend of events happening simulantiously that make me think about where I was, what happened and if I am really going down the right path. Last spring I prayed for an old conversation, and a new one because I had no male attention coming my way so it made me really question everything I was doing. Was this the right path. Well, I got it. I got this guy who is still around saying the right things, and doing the right things. I also have this guy who was my best friend and happily ever after who at that time I had not seen or talked to in a really long time. They are both still around, one as the guy expressing interest in me and the other the father of my children. It is like seeing my past as one fork in the road and the other guy representing what could be. Not just with him but having options. There are times that these two worlds collide within a shor period of time that makes me wonder what if we are making a mistake. I could not see it woking out, too much trust is lost, but there are times that feel like we should be together. Logic states that there is no way it would work, reality shows all those sign trifold but those emotions man…they kill me.

My girls said a few things that I had to talk about with their Dad. So I asked him to call me after he was off work so we could talk about them. Those things got dealt with in a few minutes and we spent about a half hour talking about the our kids future education, his work stuff and just past to present updates. The most gut wrenching thing was he made a comment back that so profoundly hit me I forgot what it was too, he said “it is too late for the the perfect picture now”. That means us being a family. That was added onto some things he said during valentines day that made me sad for him. He said it with such regret and sorrow that it made me want to go back to before when things got so screwed up. I, of course, being me said something probably a bit mean natured from foot-in-mouth disease. I said even before it was not there. My meaning was that no really wanted us to be together, so it was always a fight. We never were the couple who everyone saw as perfect together. Our dating life was rocky but we were in love. Our bubble was close to perfect for a long time, but when we left that it was not. I am sure he probably misinterpreted that though. We have been getting along so well and agreeing on quite a few things. This encounter left me thinking back and wondering what the hell we were doing? How did we let it all get so screwed up that it is now irrepairable? This was not what we signed up for.

After this exchange leaving me so contemplative the guy that I hear from randomly messaged me after I was in the house. His random interactions do not bother me because I have left him stringingly along with mixed signals and bread crumbs. I give enough to keep him sticking around and when he does I push him away. Why is he still around anyway? He messaged me and after a few comments and answering my question about what was weird in his life…as mine feels plenty weird. It got onto that he followed the list of what he was supposed to do and he added at the end meet a pretty red head. The father of my children made jokes about the frizziness of my hair. It is stuff like that which makes me want to move forward with someone who will act like that all the time. This just added to my contemplative mood.

How can I wish for one thing then the exact opposite. Those two worlds cannot exist on the same plane. I wish I could jump into the future just to see how the end works out. I know The past is the past. It was wonderful, and tragic. It was the best and the worst. It was the best way to spend my twenties, I have no regrets. Now I am looking to the future but the reminders of the past keep me coming back in that mind frame, those moments. I miss my best friend, and there are moments when I feel like I may get him back.

Is this normal for getting a divorce? I do not feel hate or anger toward him. I get frustrated but it was no more so than when we were together. I feel like it may have been easier if were the couple that argued and fought, that could not stand eachother. This is just complicated emotionally. Logic is easy, reason is easy, even reality is easy!

My luck when I am getting my car fixed at his shop the guy will message me. Then my world can spin into chaos with the two places crashing.

Oh well, at any rate this is my last moment for now to look backward. I am now going to look forward.

 

[Intro]
It’s not what I expected
It’s not what I intended
It’s not the message I’ve been sending
No no

[Chorus]
All of the colors, bleeding from my head
All of the colors, paint a picture in my head
Falling apart, but it’s perfectly perfect
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send

[Verse 1]
The prophet told me everything
She came into my dreams
She said “Michael, baby
You must flee”
Yeah
All of the colors, bleeding from my head
All of the colors, paint a picture in my head
Falling apart, but it’s perfectly perfect

[Chorus]
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send

[Bridge]
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah, aye
(x6)

[Chorus]
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send

[Bridge]
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah, aye
(x2)

I know why, but I don’t know why We ever let this happen Fallin’ for forever was a big mistake

When I was living in a normal, happy married relationship we became obsessed with the show Reba. Then a few years later we came across the video ‘every other weekend’ by Reba staring two of the main characters. It is all about parents passing off children that are still in love. We thought it was a sad video, but still enjoyed it because that would never be us. That is always the fatal mistake isn’t it. We now talk through lawyers except about kids, and are toward an every other weekend schedule. Isn’t that ironic. This is my first love, only serious relationship, and father of my children. It was not lack of love that did us in but for me, lack of trust. That will never be the same again. It was not a long process that we both sighed a sigh of relief when it was over. What did happen though destroyed all the things that should be there.

That does not change every time we exchange kids. Or when we visit the Urgent care or doctor with the kids. There has been a few moments where we had those pauses and looks. A few weeks ago our fingers touched (we do not touch now) when I was passing him back hair ties and there was what felt like an eternity of the looks. The world seeming to pause, literally what it shows in the music video. Which was made more weird when we broke it and I left and realized his girlfriend was in the house the whole time. For that moment we were alone.

In the parking lot
We don’t touch,
We don’t talk much,
Maybe goodbye to each other

There is a part of me that will always love him, but I am not in love with him. I do miss being a family with him. Family is a wonderful thing. To see my kids call for him and he is not there because of it all feels like punishment to them. Seeing my male family members step in when needed for them to have that when they need it has been amazing, but not the same. Times like this weekend hit me on everything that has changed. It is a good change. I have done things that I would never have been able to do with him. There was a moment in the store after a doctor visit (that went really well) when I saw how he spoke to me, and how for a second I believed him. He made me doubt everything I have learned in school, and my ability to be successful when in reality I am in the honors society and have made the deans list or presidents list every quarter. I aim to graduate with over a 3.9 gpa. When we are apart I feel smart, successful, strong, and able to do anything. When we were together I felt like my talents could not surpass his. I could not be successful if he is not. My worth is the state my kids were, or how clean the house was. That was my life for many years. Now, I am seen as someone to go to with questions. I am seen as smart and capable. I have had two guys come in to my life that have seen me and treated me that way. Treated me with worth, like I am an improvement to their lives. One I contact more and he tells me I can achieve my goals. This was not something that was in my marriage and I did not realize that. He was too busy trying to help me achieve my goals because I “could not do it on my own”. He even suggested I let him have the kids more to help me with studying. I was on the presidents list taking 5 online classes and being a full time summer mom.

But still this thing happened today. He was telling the girls “I love you” and he said it not looking at them then glanced at me. It may have been an accident or me over thinking the look. I wanted to say it back though. There was another look…I had to look away. I had to do this because That is the part of me that will always love him, the part of me that misses family. No one ever plans to share custody, it happens though. It something you say will never happen to you, until you are working on a settlement. I mourn the life that we do not have. It is not an in love with him thing, just a old heart string thing. I read an article that the person you are with when your brain is finishing forming in your twenties if it is a significant relationship will make a huge mark. He was my twenties. All of them. We had kids and were married when our brains stopped forming. That guy is just gone though. There is this new guy that I do not recognize except in looks who I drop my kids off with. It is so complicated to work out emotionally. I am very glad I have been taking this selfish year to work out all of this crap.

The irony of life is that I met a guy at church today. It was nice and organic. I am taking this in the same speed I am taking everything else. Right now I am married. I do smile and flirt. Nothing that I would not be willing to tell him about if he asked. That is my rule. It was the guy making the first move asking my name and the nice to meet you. Then I smiled and walked away. Times like that remind me how shy and old fashioned I am. It has nothing to do with the marriage or anything like that. I have the first reaction before that moment where that where I am just a girl meeting a boy, or about to be kissed by a boy.  It is a wonder we made our relationship progess as fast as it did, it must have been him controlling the tempo because I am so shy and typical school girl like. It seems every time I have an encounter with a new guy or the other guy there is a moment with my estranged husband that is that way.  Life is funny that way.

As she drives away with every piece of heart I got,
I reconvince myself we did the right thing

I just wonder if when we are both married and living completely different lives, more so then now as we are still connected by legal things, if we will still have those world pausing moments. I hope not.

It just amazes me that I can look so excitedly into my future and look back into the past with mourning. It does seem I meet a guy where I ask for though. I wanted new conversation meet guy #1, guy #2 was more of a suprise, and guy #3 was at church. Do not get me wrong I do not lead anyone on, but I do enjoy the company. I am the type when I am commited I make sure to not do anything I would not like if they did. I ended up losing touch with all of my male friends, and I was okay with that. Now I am enjoying being friends with guys again. It is a nice feeling that I could be seeing someone right now if I wanted to. It is also a nice feeling that one guy is all in whenever I am ready to accept it. It is now my choice to respect the fact that I am legally married, for now. I am not sitting around lonely.

For now I will leave it with the lyrics that speak to me right now, with irony and something deeper. I am excited to see where the future leads me. Right now it is leading me to bed so I can remember the things that I need to for my morning class to keep up the gpa 🙂 Because this Mom is a rock star on the side!

“Every Other Weekend”
(with Kenny Chesney)

[Reba:]
Every other Friday
It’s toys and clothes and backpacks
Is everybody in
Okay, let’s go see dad
Same time in the same spot
Corner of the same old parking lot
Half the hugs and kisses there are always sad
We trade couple words and looks and kids again
Every other weekend[Kenny:]
Every other weekend
Very few exceptions
I pick up the love we made in both my arms
It’s movies on the sofa, grilled cheese and cut the crust off
“That’s not the way mom makes it, daddy,” breaks my heart
I miss everything I use to have with her again
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
I cant tell her I love her

[Reba:]
I can’t tell him I love him

[Both:]
‘Cause there’s too many questions and ears in the car

[Reba:]
So I don’t tell him I miss him

[Kenny:]
I don’t tell her I need her

[Both:]
She’s(He’s) over me, that’s where we are

[Kenny:]
So we’re as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend

[Reba:]
Every other Saturday
First thing in the morning
I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away
I know why, but I don’t know why
We ever let this happen
Fallin’ for forever was a big mistake
There’s so much not to do and all day not to do with him
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
Every other Sunday
I empty out my backseat
While my children hug their mother
In the parking lot
We don’t touch,
We don’t talk much,
Maybe goodbye to each other
As she drives away with every piece of heart I got,
I reconvince myself we did the right thing,
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
I can’t tell her I love her

[Reba:]
I can’t tell him I love him

[Both:]
‘Cause there’s too many questions and ears in the car

[Reba:]
So I don’t tell him I miss him

[Kenny:]
I don’t tell her I need her

[Both:]
She’s (He’s) over me that’s where we are
We’re as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
Yeah, for fifteen minutes,
We’re a family again

[Reba:]
God, I wish that he was still with me again

[Kenny:]
Every other weekend

 

I’m way too good at goodbyes…

An ode to a almost was…but was not meant to be.

April 12, 2021

Another old post probably from about 2018. Clearing out the skeltons in my closet.

I lost my rebound. I should probably be more sad but I am not. I am kind of dissappointed that I am losing my entertainment at night (texting you dirty minded people). I still have to give him credit he came out and told me straight out, and he still waited longer than the man I gave ten years to. I cannot say that I have any regrets, besided the double edged sword of not letting him kiss me because of a legality. Though I would have regretted letting him kiss me too. At least this way I had the eye gaze magic scene without it being possibly spoiled.

I found through this that I am way too good at goodbyes but I am also way too good at commitment, even without the actual words of it. When I get the butterflies and the good words. The I am not going anywhere right now helped too. I am just that person who wants forever. I want it just as much as I want to have fun and flirt. Ironic aye?

 

I am beautiful irony. It makes me pretty easy to please, and easy to fall for. Though not enough to stick around. The first time around I chased more, I made myself super devoted and available. I made my world all about the guy I was with. This time I want to be chased, I want a man who will fight for me and my kids. Who think we are the best things that will ever happen to him.

Oh well, one day my prince will come. With a white horse and all that cliche crap. Until then I hope he learned many interesting lessons. I hope he knows he did so many things right, that it was mainly about timing. There was a bit more. I am leaving it with good things. He reminded me how to be fun again, and what it is like to be my own person. That I am not someones Mom or someones “old lady”. He made me feel young and adult. He was just what I needed at that moment.

 

You must think that I’m stupid
You must think that I’m a fool
You must think that I’m new to this
But I have seen this all before

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless
I know you’re thinking I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way to good at goodbyes
(I’m way to good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No way that you’ll see me cry
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

No
No, no, no, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No, no, no, no
No, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes

“It might not be the right time I might not be the right one But there’s something about us I want to say Cause there’s something between us anyway”

This week something happened that I never expected. I almost got another first kiss. It did not happen because I moved…yeah I know…typical. It is more complicated than that because ten years ago I thought I got my last first kiss. I thought I was with the only guy who could ever give me such huge butterflies. Well, if this is the first post your reading…you will notice the first line. That guy no longer gives me anything but usually indigestion. That is not totally fair, but I am not in love with him any more. This guy came out of no where at the worst time. I am still legally married but very seperated. Happily so. The fact that I would not check the single or divorced box yet is the problem here. The timing is all out of wack. This guy has been amazingly patient and understanding with the whole my life is a soap opera thing. He is cool with being a secret and playing by my rules. More unexpectedly, he gives me the butterflies. He tried to kiss me and for the first time since I met my kids dad he was not on my mind. It was movie scene perfect…

s

We are here…it was out of the movies. Skin tingling…zoo in my stomach…

And I had to shut it down…because our timing is off. In our progress we are here, but in real life I have a real legal thing. I see this legal thing every week. We share children. And our relations started with a rebound and cheating. I was his mistress at some point and other times he had one. There was an emotional affair. Five miutes after he gave up on us he moved another girl into our house. It is a hot mess. We started out bad and it never really stayed unbad. There was always the bad karma waiting in the wings. I do not want to do that again.

While this maybe not something that is exactly fix the marriage quality. We are in the lets make a settlement process, so that is not happening…

I gave up on finding the butterflies. I thought that it would be years before I found them. Not now. If this was ten years ago or a year from now it would be so much different. I would have kissed him and it would have been…

Yeah that is what I felt…it was amazing. It could have been so much more amazing had it been able to happen.

How can something so wonderful feeling come at such a bad time. I want to ignore the bad timing and go with my desires…but I did that once. The bad karma follows you, you can never recover after a few hits. The waiting just may drive me insane. There is still so much to be done to become “single” again. My heart, my life feels single. It is a box to check, a lawyer to contact. A settlement to make.  It is not in anyway anything but a business transaction. So, to feel butterflies. To have what I have not felt since my kids dad. It makes me want to run away from it all. To ignore my “business relationship” and my moral code. To jump off that cliff head first. In that moment I was not in this “business relationship”, but a girl with a guy who for one who claims to not know…who claims to be very single…does everything right!

I feel like I am floating.

No matter what happens it s very nice to feel them again. It nice to have hope and to be excited for the future…I just have to stay on my path of being faithful to this “business relationship” until I can officially mark the box the makes me “divorced” which is as single as I will ever be again because I will never be “single” again. I will always be “divorced” until the day I am “married” again. I never thought I would look forward to checking that box. It makes me downright giddy now..

I am going to float away on my butterflies now…into the dream world where I can act on them.

Life goals..this is my future the guy that wants this..because there will not be many firsts but there can be a lot of lasts.

 

 

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there’s something about us I want to say
Cause there’s something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there’s something about us I’ve got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life

“I’m jumping off of the world now, uh Never stop, never slow down Skydiving I take the leap without a parachute”

I was talking to someone at school today. I told them how I basically have lived on faith for over a year from the day I left to now. I have no parachute. I am having faith that God will help me land in safe pastures. Usually I enjoy the ride, heck usually I am flying down screaming my head off in the best way possible. Other times I am yelling and cursing at myself for ever jumping off the plane to start with. Today has been up with the down…up and flying, then down and wanting to cry. I am not sure the turn of events that cause this today, or just that the quarter is winding down, and so is the work load.

It is probably safe to say I should probably stay off the internet right now. But I am going to keep jumping, because I feel like crying and laughing…and making out with some boy. Even though I equally feel that this is a bad thing and a good thing. I try not to over think that. That is a whole other story for anyother day but today. Maybe.

I had to log back into facebook after….six months (?) of being deactivated. I unblocked the almost ex husband, but that is rather unremarkable as my account was up for maybe five minutes. It is more a digital photo album. It drew me back to those crazy facebook thoughts all over again. Lets see what is up with that person we have not seen in many months. I asked the boy about a picture he had. I am totally over those feelings. “Who is that girl writting on your wall?” How can one website reduce us all to high schoolers? I don’t know where I am going with this. My thoughts are not in line at the moment. I am a bit distracted and confused equally about my new prospects. It is odd going from “being with your forever” to facing any dating situations.

I do however think that there is such a thing as too much living in ones head and over analyzing. This is a new lesson, now how to turning it off. Though I am in step four- taking inventory- so that probably part of the problem. I think that is supposed to be the solution though.

I probably should add this to the scrap pile but I enjoy being open and honest, no holds bar. So I will just look up memes to add 😉

Skydiving

Lights

It all starts here, with a rush of blood to the head
And I feel no fear
And nothing’s happening yet
You pull me in
I’m doing things I never would do
My pulse, racing
I’m coming alive with you

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory
You said to me, “Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory”

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I take the leap without a parachute
‘Cause I can’t keep my hands away from you
And I’m all in
It’s too late to turn around
Adrenaline is taking my body now

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I’m going…

“Looking forward, looking back I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go”

My Uncle and Aunt came for a visit a few weeks ago. This is an odd occcurance as they live quite a few states away, and I cannot recall them coming here before. Usually we would meet somewhere in the middle family reunion style. Their son was looking at a University near by  as he is so successful they are courting him. He just happens to be uber successful in his line of work. He is currently on vacation with his wife in Hawaii…

As you know growing up in a family back stories come out when you get older or when they go through something simliar. My Uncle, I found out during my separation, was an alcoholic. His wife did the ultimatum of the booze or me. He choose her. It has not been easy but they made it. Keep in mind I am paraphrasing third party information. I have seen them though. They by all outward appearances have made it through. Their kids are both amazingly grounded and successful. The son they had here got four crazy kids to meditiate for over an hour!

I take all this in now that we are in settlement process of our divorce. My family is broken. Neither of us want to be with eachother, but we may always be the one that you look back on and wonder. It is odd doing drop offs when it is all so weird.

It is accurate to say our levels of friendship had a….passionate…tone. It had a hint of promise of what could be. A bit of ride or die..Well the ride just got real awkward.

So yeah. There I done went and awkwarded this too.

Back on point now. There is also the case of my Grandparents.

When I was an awkward teenager my grandmother called while she was intoxicated and said I reminded her of herself. This because of some…complicated family things…struck a bad cord to me. I do not think I ever got over it until she had passed away. This fueled my teenage mind to avoid alcohol, and that among other things still holds true. I did not make good relationship choices. That was not alcohol though!

In the same theme of family secrets I found things that lead to my grandparents divorce. It was a good thing. The only bad thing was that it did not happen sooner for their kids. I married a man like my grandfather. This has a good and bad side. That person that I heard stories about was changed by the time I met him. He was amazing. He left an amazing imprint on me. I did end up like my grandmother though, just in a very different time, in a very different way. The good point for me is that my grandparents always loved eachother. My grandmother and her long-term boyfriend bought my gramdfathers old house when he moved from his neighboring town into ours. He grieved her when she died. That is not to say they did not live very different lives. I cannot recall them ever living in the same city again, they spent many years in different states.

Why walk down these old paths? I faced a similiar situation and picked one of them. It does not mean that I do not look on my version of what the other side would be like. I took my path though. I am honestly looking forward to onward and upward (see the post that will come in five day written a month or more ago). When I see someone who “made it” it still makes me a bit sad. I just need to keep looking forward.

“Looking Forward Looking Back”

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I’ve seen
All the love we’ve had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we’ll be fine, unlike some
I’ll be leaning forward, to see what’s coming

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I’m alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I’m okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know
Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh I have a lot to say….Cause everything inside, it never comes out right

This week my social life has blown up. This should make me happy. This was everything I had asked for, everything I wanted. I could not handle what happened with my life I ran. I ran as fast and as far as possible. I ran into a new life and have successfully transitioned to the point where I am not wanting to go back to my old life. My old life is dead. I helped kill it. Who took the final blow is up in the air. I am sure different people would say different things. The truth is we both did it. It has been a year now and that changes everything, it changes who we are as people now.

I would not fit into my old life. All the things that made us fit are not there. The trust is destroyed. But still as my social life is exploding I find myself thinking back to before I was just his “old lady”. I go back in time before ten years, a marriage and two kids. When I was just a girl. I really enjoyed it before I learned what a secure life felt like, stability.

Going back ten years I hurt a lot of poeple. Most of the guys I dated were just play toys for one purpose or another. Never the one they wanted though. It was companionship, boredom or just wanting to pretend someone is there for me (even if the moment is temporary). Like a junkie looking for a fix. There were very little emotions and at times none. I had to turn a switch in my head to not care before that.

I have switched it again. Now I am here again. With a trail of hurt behind me and in me. This time I did not come out unscathed. This time I see what happened in a very personal way. I see the way we both pressed self destruct, then the come back button until there was a bit too much destruction to heal.

I use people. I use people or my own whatever or simply because I hate letting poeple down. Either way I find that people get attached…the more they do the more I run away. I cannot handle how they deal with it all.

My high school ex boyfriend for example. I dated him because everyone else on our soccer team was paired up and I was bored. He was fun. I enjoyed our time but I could not be myself. I would ask if I did this would you still like me and he said no…but oops I did that the week before. I told him not to fall for me. He did. The timing sucked for his personal life bit it scared me because I did not want to hurt him, but I did. So I ran. I hurt not only him but his family. So I did the only reasonable thing, I shut that off and moved on. The same thing I am doing now. It is still  there though..it is radiating around and around. I see it now in my kids faces when they ask for their Dad. When the oldest talks about doing a family costume next year, the four of us. When she draws family pictures, of the four of us. I can’t just walk away. They pull me back. When I see other guys and think about what I left, for the crazy world of not knowing. For the risks of dating as a single mom. For my kids getting hurt when a parental romantic relationship breaks up, or worse for them does not. When my oldest wants to talk about our family and now there are two other people around instead. This is complicated. It seems like it would have been easier to stay.

Maybe it is fear of what is ahead..maybe it is genuine regret. Right now I have to decide whether I close off or keep moving while feeling. Right now completed closed off sounds nice, but I get weekly reminds of my past. It will always be here because there are two beautiful babies. There will always be the glimps of what was, and what can never be. Possibly what should or should not have been. The what ifs will get you every time.

Maybe this is spot on, or really wrong. Now I will close with the lyrics of Sorry by  Buckcherry with a few edited things…

Sorry

Buckcherry

Oh I have a lot to say
I was thinking on my time away
I miss you and things (aren’t) the same
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry (we’re) bad
I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you make(made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

This time, I think I’m(more) to blame
It’s (too easy) to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

Every single day
I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you(we) cried
It (is) too late to make it right
Oh yeah, sorry!
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know (we) can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry
I’m sorry baby
I’m sorry baby
Yeah, I’m sorry.

https://youtu.be/YlDz-hRlLBQ