Say something, I’m giving up on you I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you Anywhere, I would’ve followed you Say something, I’m giving up on you

When we navigate through life we find certain hamster wheels we get stuck on. Some we do on our own, other times we do them with other people. It starts a simple thing, then it becomes something much more dangerous. Good word recently said about me. It applies more to my own hamster wheel.

Okay maybe those are cats but you know. Same thing.

When I was 19 I met a boy. We were just friends then it became more. Then we broke up. Things happened we were all grr. We said hey we can be friends again. Well, that led to more which led to a break up later. Then we did it again and again. There were times we were seeing other people and we decided we could just be friends. Well that led to  us lying about hanging out. We had boundaries about touching or kissing (as in do not do it) until new years eve where we had our first new years kisses ever. Then we were having an affair. It was not the first time. That is not the story though. We ended up being really good “friends” with little care about who was getting hurt. We did this until we found ourselves in an actual commited relationship. We did good for a long. But we did this hamster wheel many many times.

This is a very  emotional and draining thing to do. Yet somehow I still find myself with the same delusions. Over time out extents got bigger. We were committed to one another for almost ten years or so. When that got badly fractured we had ‘radio silence’ as he expalained it for a few months then we texted, but when I did not make the physical attempts or talk to him on the phone for personal reasons to my own healing. Which led to radio silence, which led to well all of this beautiful chaos. Silver lining talking.

Usually the shift from friends or even radio silence to more was some sort of chaos in our lives, good or bad. This drew us back together to be there for eachother. We were best friends first then the emotions and the feelings. Then we try to avoid eachother, which fails. Then the talking…then bam.

So, he is in a relationship. I am morally staying married until I am not. We got to a place where we could talk and get along concerning the kids. We went a little more in depth. We were at a good place, not crossing any lines. Then my life had a crisis. This crisis hit the triggers that made the things I was okay with a month ago seem…like mistakes. They seem like things that I need to stop from happening. I lost the people I have to turn to not because they stopped being there but because they had too much on their plates. And some of those things were the triggers. It made him seem like the only sane person in my life. He just may be.  But that stupid hamster wheel.

The day that chaos started I happened to drop off the kids at his house. I started talking about everything but what I wanted to. We talked about kids, his work, my school. We even started talking about some things that went wrong with us. The things that ended it for us personally. We corrected misconceptions. Something was said about he got his girl friend to help pay the bills but it struck a cord. I made a snide remark about it being worth ruining our marriage for. Then that hit me close to home and when I was getting in the car I started crying because of my chaos. He saw and thought it had to do with what he said. He texted me and I told him it helped just talking to him. That I had something different going on unrelated and he had helped just being around.

We spent a few weeks just talking in general. Texting when he was at work. Making excuses to visit him there with the kids. We started crossing lines here and there. No physical ones but ones that were small to most people. They were the start of the wheel for us. Then life got more chaotic and I got (am) scared about my future because I am almost done with school. I am overwhelmed. He had the kids for a few days during spring break and I had way too much time to think. I started school and cut my class load in half. Too much time. I was having an over emotional day so I went to a movie which I was falling asleep during. He said he wanted coffee and I brought it. Along with a long no boundaries, rant which I talked a lot and paced. I laughed I cried and we crossed so many verbal lines. He let me take control and set the rules. He answered the questions, said the right things. We went from oops there was one foot to lets dance all over it. We even had the awkward we can’t touch because of the subjects we were covering. It all hit us again. We said everything but I love you. It was all chaotic and emotional. We left at a weird spot.

The next day we started the texting and it felt good. He called me a tease and nice to look at. This is tame compared to the day before. Then I asked if he was planning on rerenting a place with her, if he was lying. He was all wishy washy.  I know he has stuff to work through, but I cannot stand in the side lines waiting or being in the middle of life. So we essentially broke up again. I told him before I needed this clean break (divorce) and we would see what the future would hold. I also told him the day before that I was hurt he didn’t fight for me. I told him I needed to see what happened. I dropped bread crumbs. Then I ended it. I cannot emotionally go on the hamster wheel, I am too old. Too much is at stake. And I want to be happy. I want Gods plan for me not my own.

It is kind of refreshing though. When we did this over a year and half ago every one was watching. I had two little girls I needed to help dealing with the chaos of it all. I had to put on a brave face and fight for everything. I became hard and jaded. I was in fight mode constantly. Now I do not have to. We are almost ready to finalize. This time I feel depressed. This time no one is watching. People do not realize the lines that have been crossed. They are too busy with their own crap. I am good in their eyes with it all because I have been for so long.

Tonight I planned on taking sparkly galaxy pink bath using my bath bomb. It turned the water black. Usually I read but instead I sat and thought and felt. I was just the feeling I was. I literally got lost in the black, though it did have glitter. It felt really good. To actually be able to be alone and feel what I am feeling. This weekend he has the kids. I am getting together with a girl friend for a girls night. I get to feel those things I could not feel then. I was angry with him but had to hide it. In the past few weeks I told him. I am going to deal with it while no one is watching. I am going to be open to possibilities out there, including him. I will not close off my world. I will not put my eggs in one basket though.  I have officially given up.

I left the bread crumbs. I told him that I was open maybe one day but I needed him to fight for me. I needed a fresh start because this one is screwed up. It is up to God if it involves him or not. I know I have him forever because he is my kids Dad. I do not know if we will be able to be friends again. I do not know a lot. I know that it is not up to me. I know God can fix what he wants, but for me I need that break. I need to be me. I need to be open to what is out there. I am finally getting the chance to do what I thought I did in the begining but I was faking. Now I have no reason to fake it.  No one is looking anyway. They have something new to look at, this is past for them.

I bid it all ado. I washed off the black from the bath bomb and washed off the walls.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh, oh, oh, oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

I know why, but I don’t know why We ever let this happen Fallin’ for forever was a big mistake

When I was living in a normal, happy married relationship we became obsessed with the show Reba. Then a few years later we came across the video ‘every other weekend’ by Reba staring two of the main characters. It is all about parents passing off children that are still in love. We thought it was a sad video, but still enjoyed it because that would never be us. That is always the fatal mistake isn’t it. We now talk through lawyers except about kids, and are toward an every other weekend schedule. Isn’t that ironic. This is my first love, only serious relationship, and father of my children. It was not lack of love that did us in but for me, lack of trust. That will never be the same again. It was not a long process that we both sighed a sigh of relief when it was over. What did happen though destroyed all the things that should be there.

That does not change every time we exchange kids. Or when we visit the Urgent care or doctor with the kids. There has been a few moments where we had those pauses and looks. A few weeks ago our fingers touched (we do not touch now) when I was passing him back hair ties and there was what felt like an eternity of the looks. The world seeming to pause, literally what it shows in the music video. Which was made more weird when we broke it and I left and realized his girlfriend was in the house the whole time. For that moment we were alone.

In the parking lot
We don’t touch,
We don’t talk much,
Maybe goodbye to each other

There is a part of me that will always love him, but I am not in love with him. I do miss being a family with him. Family is a wonderful thing. To see my kids call for him and he is not there because of it all feels like punishment to them. Seeing my male family members step in when needed for them to have that when they need it has been amazing, but not the same. Times like this weekend hit me on everything that has changed. It is a good change. I have done things that I would never have been able to do with him. There was a moment in the store after a doctor visit (that went really well) when I saw how he spoke to me, and how for a second I believed him. He made me doubt everything I have learned in school, and my ability to be successful when in reality I am in the honors society and have made the deans list or presidents list every quarter. I aim to graduate with over a 3.9 gpa. When we are apart I feel smart, successful, strong, and able to do anything. When we were together I felt like my talents could not surpass his. I could not be successful if he is not. My worth is the state my kids were, or how clean the house was. That was my life for many years. Now, I am seen as someone to go to with questions. I am seen as smart and capable. I have had two guys come in to my life that have seen me and treated me that way. Treated me with worth, like I am an improvement to their lives. One I contact more and he tells me I can achieve my goals. This was not something that was in my marriage and I did not realize that. He was too busy trying to help me achieve my goals because I “could not do it on my own”. He even suggested I let him have the kids more to help me with studying. I was on the presidents list taking 5 online classes and being a full time summer mom.

But still this thing happened today. He was telling the girls “I love you” and he said it not looking at them then glanced at me. It may have been an accident or me over thinking the look. I wanted to say it back though. There was another look…I had to look away. I had to do this because That is the part of me that will always love him, the part of me that misses family. No one ever plans to share custody, it happens though. It something you say will never happen to you, until you are working on a settlement. I mourn the life that we do not have. It is not an in love with him thing, just a old heart string thing. I read an article that the person you are with when your brain is finishing forming in your twenties if it is a significant relationship will make a huge mark. He was my twenties. All of them. We had kids and were married when our brains stopped forming. That guy is just gone though. There is this new guy that I do not recognize except in looks who I drop my kids off with. It is so complicated to work out emotionally. I am very glad I have been taking this selfish year to work out all of this crap.

The irony of life is that I met a guy at church today. It was nice and organic. I am taking this in the same speed I am taking everything else. Right now I am married. I do smile and flirt. Nothing that I would not be willing to tell him about if he asked. That is my rule. It was the guy making the first move asking my name and the nice to meet you. Then I smiled and walked away. Times like that remind me how shy and old fashioned I am. It has nothing to do with the marriage or anything like that. I have the first reaction before that moment where that where I am just a girl meeting a boy, or about to be kissed by a boy.  It is a wonder we made our relationship progess as fast as it did, it must have been him controlling the tempo because I am so shy and typical school girl like. It seems every time I have an encounter with a new guy or the other guy there is a moment with my estranged husband that is that way.  Life is funny that way.

As she drives away with every piece of heart I got,
I reconvince myself we did the right thing

I just wonder if when we are both married and living completely different lives, more so then now as we are still connected by legal things, if we will still have those world pausing moments. I hope not.

It just amazes me that I can look so excitedly into my future and look back into the past with mourning. It does seem I meet a guy where I ask for though. I wanted new conversation meet guy #1, guy #2 was more of a suprise, and guy #3 was at church. Do not get me wrong I do not lead anyone on, but I do enjoy the company. I am the type when I am commited I make sure to not do anything I would not like if they did. I ended up losing touch with all of my male friends, and I was okay with that. Now I am enjoying being friends with guys again. It is a nice feeling that I could be seeing someone right now if I wanted to. It is also a nice feeling that one guy is all in whenever I am ready to accept it. It is now my choice to respect the fact that I am legally married, for now. I am not sitting around lonely.

For now I will leave it with the lyrics that speak to me right now, with irony and something deeper. I am excited to see where the future leads me. Right now it is leading me to bed so I can remember the things that I need to for my morning class to keep up the gpa 🙂 Because this Mom is a rock star on the side!

“Every Other Weekend”
(with Kenny Chesney)

[Reba:]
Every other Friday
It’s toys and clothes and backpacks
Is everybody in
Okay, let’s go see dad
Same time in the same spot
Corner of the same old parking lot
Half the hugs and kisses there are always sad
We trade couple words and looks and kids again
Every other weekend[Kenny:]
Every other weekend
Very few exceptions
I pick up the love we made in both my arms
It’s movies on the sofa, grilled cheese and cut the crust off
“That’s not the way mom makes it, daddy,” breaks my heart
I miss everything I use to have with her again
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
I cant tell her I love her

[Reba:]
I can’t tell him I love him

[Both:]
‘Cause there’s too many questions and ears in the car

[Reba:]
So I don’t tell him I miss him

[Kenny:]
I don’t tell her I need her

[Both:]
She’s(He’s) over me, that’s where we are

[Kenny:]
So we’re as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend

[Reba:]
Every other Saturday
First thing in the morning
I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away
I know why, but I don’t know why
We ever let this happen
Fallin’ for forever was a big mistake
There’s so much not to do and all day not to do with him
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
Every other Sunday
I empty out my backseat
While my children hug their mother
In the parking lot
We don’t touch,
We don’t talk much,
Maybe goodbye to each other
As she drives away with every piece of heart I got,
I reconvince myself we did the right thing,
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
I can’t tell her I love her

[Reba:]
I can’t tell him I love him

[Both:]
‘Cause there’s too many questions and ears in the car

[Reba:]
So I don’t tell him I miss him

[Kenny:]
I don’t tell her I need her

[Both:]
She’s (He’s) over me that’s where we are
We’re as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
Yeah, for fifteen minutes,
We’re a family again

[Reba:]
God, I wish that he was still with me again

[Kenny:]
Every other weekend

 

“I’m jumping off of the world now, uh Never stop, never slow down Skydiving I take the leap without a parachute”

I was talking to someone at school today. I told them how I basically have lived on faith for over a year from the day I left to now. I have no parachute. I am having faith that God will help me land in safe pastures. Usually I enjoy the ride, heck usually I am flying down screaming my head off in the best way possible. Other times I am yelling and cursing at myself for ever jumping off the plane to start with. Today has been up with the down…up and flying, then down and wanting to cry. I am not sure the turn of events that cause this today, or just that the quarter is winding down, and so is the work load.

It is probably safe to say I should probably stay off the internet right now. But I am going to keep jumping, because I feel like crying and laughing…and making out with some boy. Even though I equally feel that this is a bad thing and a good thing. I try not to over think that. That is a whole other story for anyother day but today. Maybe.

I had to log back into facebook after….six months (?) of being deactivated. I unblocked the almost ex husband, but that is rather unremarkable as my account was up for maybe five minutes. It is more a digital photo album. It drew me back to those crazy facebook thoughts all over again. Lets see what is up with that person we have not seen in many months. I asked the boy about a picture he had. I am totally over those feelings. “Who is that girl writting on your wall?” How can one website reduce us all to high schoolers? I don’t know where I am going with this. My thoughts are not in line at the moment. I am a bit distracted and confused equally about my new prospects. It is odd going from “being with your forever” to facing any dating situations.

I do however think that there is such a thing as too much living in ones head and over analyzing. This is a new lesson, now how to turning it off. Though I am in step four- taking inventory- so that probably part of the problem. I think that is supposed to be the solution though.

I probably should add this to the scrap pile but I enjoy being open and honest, no holds bar. So I will just look up memes to add 😉

Skydiving

Lights

It all starts here, with a rush of blood to the head
And I feel no fear
And nothing’s happening yet
You pull me in
I’m doing things I never would do
My pulse, racing
I’m coming alive with you

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory
You said to me, “Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory”

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I take the leap without a parachute
‘Cause I can’t keep my hands away from you
And I’m all in
It’s too late to turn around
Adrenaline is taking my body now

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I’m going…

Oh I have a lot to say….Cause everything inside, it never comes out right

This week my social life has blown up. This should make me happy. This was everything I had asked for, everything I wanted. I could not handle what happened with my life I ran. I ran as fast and as far as possible. I ran into a new life and have successfully transitioned to the point where I am not wanting to go back to my old life. My old life is dead. I helped kill it. Who took the final blow is up in the air. I am sure different people would say different things. The truth is we both did it. It has been a year now and that changes everything, it changes who we are as people now.

I would not fit into my old life. All the things that made us fit are not there. The trust is destroyed. But still as my social life is exploding I find myself thinking back to before I was just his “old lady”. I go back in time before ten years, a marriage and two kids. When I was just a girl. I really enjoyed it before I learned what a secure life felt like, stability.

Going back ten years I hurt a lot of poeple. Most of the guys I dated were just play toys for one purpose or another. Never the one they wanted though. It was companionship, boredom or just wanting to pretend someone is there for me (even if the moment is temporary). Like a junkie looking for a fix. There were very little emotions and at times none. I had to turn a switch in my head to not care before that.

I have switched it again. Now I am here again. With a trail of hurt behind me and in me. This time I did not come out unscathed. This time I see what happened in a very personal way. I see the way we both pressed self destruct, then the come back button until there was a bit too much destruction to heal.

I use people. I use people or my own whatever or simply because I hate letting poeple down. Either way I find that people get attached…the more they do the more I run away. I cannot handle how they deal with it all.

My high school ex boyfriend for example. I dated him because everyone else on our soccer team was paired up and I was bored. He was fun. I enjoyed our time but I could not be myself. I would ask if I did this would you still like me and he said no…but oops I did that the week before. I told him not to fall for me. He did. The timing sucked for his personal life bit it scared me because I did not want to hurt him, but I did. So I ran. I hurt not only him but his family. So I did the only reasonable thing, I shut that off and moved on. The same thing I am doing now. It is still  there though..it is radiating around and around. I see it now in my kids faces when they ask for their Dad. When the oldest talks about doing a family costume next year, the four of us. When she draws family pictures, of the four of us. I can’t just walk away. They pull me back. When I see other guys and think about what I left, for the crazy world of not knowing. For the risks of dating as a single mom. For my kids getting hurt when a parental romantic relationship breaks up, or worse for them does not. When my oldest wants to talk about our family and now there are two other people around instead. This is complicated. It seems like it would have been easier to stay.

Maybe it is fear of what is ahead..maybe it is genuine regret. Right now I have to decide whether I close off or keep moving while feeling. Right now completed closed off sounds nice, but I get weekly reminds of my past. It will always be here because there are two beautiful babies. There will always be the glimps of what was, and what can never be. Possibly what should or should not have been. The what ifs will get you every time.

Maybe this is spot on, or really wrong. Now I will close with the lyrics of Sorry by  Buckcherry with a few edited things…

Sorry

Buckcherry

Oh I have a lot to say
I was thinking on my time away
I miss you and things (aren’t) the same
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry (we’re) bad
I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you make(made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

This time, I think I’m(more) to blame
It’s (too easy) to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

Every single day
I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you(we) cried
It (is) too late to make it right
Oh yeah, sorry!
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know (we) can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry
I’m sorry baby
I’m sorry baby
Yeah, I’m sorry.

https://youtu.be/YlDz-hRlLBQ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Your mistakes make you who are, you learn and grow”

I am officially in the middle of a soul search. I met the man of my dreams when I was 19 years old. We spent our twenties together. We got married, had a couple kids. Happily ever after???

I have resolved myself to this fact, in fact I am more than okay with it. I got to the point where I totally understand when my old high school friend said “My divorce is final next month!”, I answered with congratulations! There was no oh, so sorry. There gets to be a point where you want to move on with your life.

Then comes my moral conundrum. I believe in soul mates. Eyes meeting, linked forever kind of love. I thought I found it at 19. Now that is over. I will always love the man in a first love kind of way, father of my children, the man formally by best friend. I am not in love with him. I do not feel like we were meant to be together for ever…the fairy tale has ended…

In the words of Meredith Grey “You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill… You’d lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming. They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely ’cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they’ll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happy ever after, just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away.”

I am now left with three choices…

1. I met the wrong man and thought he was my soul mate.
2. He is my soul mate and I am letting that all go with no fight.
3. There may be no such thing, or more than one soul mate.

Any choice that I make I have to give up a belief I have held dear my whole life. Not in the fairy tale, but that in my lonliest of nights the man I was meant to be with was looking at the same moon. That there is only one person out there for you, except for the cases of ’til death do us part’. If that is the case I am leaving him behind without anything but the death of a marriage. That is not exactly what the vows mean.

It feels like I lose no matter what the truth is. At this point I am not sure of I care, but I do care. What happens when everything you believe falls apart. I am positive the next things will be amazing, but what about what is behind me? The past will always catch up to you. I find someone, live happily ever after, then he pops back up and all the old “soul mate” feelings show up too! I do not want to be the couple that stays connected past all reason. I just want it be redefined. Our lives being seperate with the kids happily in each world. Us all being able to work together for the good of the kids, with no personal things coming in the way of that.

I still feel like I am giving away apart of me that I never thought I would have to. This is tragic. I guess this is growing up ay? Well, onto pondering this over. Who knows which choice I will find, or what the outcome will be. Life is a fun journey that way. I am going to sit here and enjoy the ride.

Reader

 

Title based off  an All the Shelters song “Halfway of our live’s path”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time

In may I was all rush rush to register for my summer classes. Then I was all lets pass those classes! Well, done! Then I was thinking one week to the next classes great! Well dagnabbit I find out there is a three week break between the quarters… I suck at waiting. I suck at waiting for answers, for the next steps, for anything. I want to see results. This serves me well in cases like the math class I finished early because I wanted to be done! Then I have date to start the classes and I get an email from one of my four classes saying it is open a few days early! Oh snap that is my jam!

Now I still have to wait three days! Three days may not seem like long but I feel like the sands of time are draining too fast. I feel like I need to act now to get into tomorrow. And I can work at my own pace so I can finish when I finish. I love being in control of my own studies. I want to beat the schedule. Pound the pavement. It makes me an awesome worker, I become more sufficient in less time and do the work of many people because I cannot stand to sit still. This is something I had forgotten when I got caught up in Mommy mode and not work mode it threw of my mojo. When I started school I went back into my crazy work mode. It is crazy what you forget about yourself. It is crazy what gets lost when you are wife and Mommy only. I feel excited for every new step and I cannot stand not going my pace…

Yeah that level of insanity. That is my mind. This not only applies to my school or work life but also my personal life. I am in a transition stage that most people do not take this time like I am. From what I see many people say well we are separated and living separate lives so lets move forward. The idea of legal technicalities do not matter. For me they do. Legal and spiritual things. So I am like a really really bad nun. Like no someone forced into it. I just got stuck here. I do not see us agreeing on anything anytime soon so…

I feel like I playing the waiting drum for so many pots to fully come to boil. There is a reason for this waiting. It is driving me insane though! I am waiting for the day I can go around my own town without the looks. For when I can shop at a certain store and be the normal customer who no one asks how I am like I will snap. I am waiting for when I can go out for coffee with a guy or talk to him without feeling like a I defiling my marriage that is only on paper. I want to feel like a normal person again. Not mom mode to robot in life mode. I want to be hugged by a guy and get butterflies. I want my family to be whole even if it is not in the way I imagined. I want the day where we say hey we are family and will be there for each other no matter what life circumstances are happening. We have each others backs.

Yeah like that. I want us to be that no matter what because we got two little cubs who we both need to be there for. This is how it should be. This is how it should have been so maybe we wouldn’t have ended up here. But here we are so lets do this crap! Lets move on and get this right for the little cubs now.

Okay I wanted a little rougher around the edges meme but admit it they are really cute. This is me in a nut shell.  You may not see how it applies to some people but it does. Just because I am not front and center doesn’t mean I am not cheering a whole lot louder then anyone else. You call me at 3 am and I am there. This is my time to be own ride or die. And I am on hold for so many things. You can’t rush some things. So here I am…

And here a few for the road that humored me or something else…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And life’s full of flaws Who knows the cause? Living in the memory of a love that never was

There are scars underneath the surface that we do not realize are there, or we do not think are as bad as they are. You go along your way and then something happens and bam.

It started talking to a guy as a friend who I will admit has my interest, but because of my vows I won’t do anything about it. Lets face it divorce is a long process. I have a long long line of being without male companionship. I start feeling guilty about talking to a guy even though it wasn’t bad and he knows my story. So in my lack of social abilities way I stutter a you know we can just be friends, I am worried I am not enough because I wasn’t enough for my husband. So why would I be enough for a guy I met three months ago? He assures me it is fine then…>poof<

Yes, I am being overly dramatic here. It was a weekend and I was busy. I was going to leave it alone but then I had a question about school and he would know the answer. So I ask it and my mind did not stop there, oh no it traveled. The power of the magical magnifying mind at its best. I ask what he had been doing. Honestly, it sounded like typical guy excuses. Whatever. I left my husband for my kids, no guy comes above that, especially now. Especially a friend. But oh the scars. I accuse him of ghosting. Halfway through it all I realize I am freaking out not because of this guy, it has nothing to do with him. It just pushed a button. I realized that my husband ghosted me and came back with my replacement. I did not think about it at all. I thought it was some high school dating thing that showed immaturity and you grow out of it. I did not think at the age of 29 it would happen with my husband of 5 years, significant other of 10 total in years. The guy I spent my twenties with. You do not associate such an immature term with something like that. It would never have crossed my mind until that innocent incident. Of course, that lead to an awkward apology and probably a thought of dodged that bullet dude.

Maybe he was a reason person in my life. To point out a scar I never would have realized. To help me heal. It has left me wondering what other scars are hiding. How will they come out? How can so much hide under the surface. It makes me glad I get the chance to heal right now. It makes me glad that I am focusing on me. It is amazing how much your body can heal itself. It is amazing how much it can handle physically and emotionally. I will say this, it is not wise to mess with a strong woman. It is not smart to poke a mama bear. It is an unwise man that does not lead with how can I improve her life, because if you improve her life it greatly enhances yours. If you satisfy her in certain areas, sex only being a small one, she will take great care of you.

I was talking to a friend. She told me how when she had problems with her boyfriend he complained about the house being a mess. The dishes and laundry being backed up, clutter etc.

When they were on better terms he came home from work the house was clean and tidy. He was shocked because it had been such a mess. She told him that that is the result of keeping your woman happy. Not to mention the sex stuff.

Many guys do not understand this. When the house or the woman is messy something is wrong. When she is put together and keeping things tidy you are doing something right. This does not include depression or other mental things. When she is fine when she is alone it is definitely you.

Even with my scars I feel better then I did before. I feel more put together. I am doing me and I am cool with that, for now. One day I want the white picket fence, or some version. For now it is about my girls and I. I want to know I can do it myself and with each day that feeling is getting stronger. I will finish out my finish out my first college quarter with about a 3.8 gpa if not higher. I am squared away for summer online classes. I am doing the best I can with my girls despite doing it alone. I did my first college quarter and a busy schedule of my oldest. Both of them are well adjusted despite it all, they show the signs of the situation but they are doing better then expected. I am doing better then I was six months ago. I did not think it was possible.

The scars will hit me though. It just shows that I have gotten past the last scar. Each scar opened means that I worked on the last. Each one is progress. I will be okay, my girls will be better for having a strong mom.

Watch the  scars people, they are the things that bring you to your knees and make you stop. This means you made it past another hurdle.

And guys, don’t ghost out. Be man and say what’s up! Seriously, you won’t end her world by leaving, you may just leave her stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The thing that I needed was you. I survived. You survived. But I do not think we can survive this.”

I have a confession. I love binge watching. Currently, my show is Grey’s anatomy. I can usually find something to relate to. The episode I watched today was the divorce episode of April and Jackson. I had this episode going while I was working on custody paperwork, while emotionally processing the things I did that are not helpful to where we ended up now. It stuck me so much I have given up the song lyrics for this occasion. I am unsure Who would be saying the above quote, maybe both of us. Because I know, he is doing the same thing as me. Preparing paperwork as to why you are the better parent. It is a nasty thing. I do not enjoy it because I choose him as the father of my children, and the rest of my life. He was my person. I don’t want to get evidence, or discredit him. I want to build him up. I want to cheer him on from a distance. It makes me really sad and mad that it came to this. I will always love him to some extent just not as what it was.

“Until you look at each and every injury, you can’t see what went wrong.”

“In trauma, we’re concerned with one overriding question. How did this happen? What was the mechanism of injury? How do we see past the mess and confusion of the trauma to figure out what the damage actually is? … Every part of a trauma tells a different piece of a story. And until you look at each and every injury, you can’t see what went wrong.”
– April

 

The second downfall between this paperwork and being in my support group is that it gets very into me. What I did? What I didn’t do? I had go through all of our text messages to decide what was important to pass on and what was just what it is. I started in the sexy texting, full of dirty things and love. Full of sweet nothings and we are perfect for each other. All those thing you send to the love of your life. In the middle it gets more sexual and you can tell the fighting. You can see me getting short after I left. You can see his lies in the timing of what I know now. You can see where I was running. Where I was too hurt to come close, where I felt pressured. I can see where maybe if I would have listened to him instead of telling him good night, maybe if he would have listened to what I said. Maybe if…

You can see two people fighting the same battle in very different ways. I needed space and time to heal, he needed the opposite. I tried to meet him how he needed before, he did the same. So many wrong choices from both of us. Then you see him detach. You see me cling or run away.

You see it all play out step by step with more knowledge behind it. You see more clearly what seemed so foggy and unsure. You see so much more than you want to. You start seeing beyond the pain and anger you saw it from before. You see how others could have seen it, just with a lot more visualization. You see what you should have said or done. In my support group we toss around, “should have’s don’t come from God”. It is very true. It does not stop them from swimming in your head. I have been super emotional, which is worse because I am still hormonal. Oy the hormones! It is a very crazy roller coaster.

You also see what has become of the players. You see where we went with the cards you were dealt and where they did. You see the death of what should have been crystal clear. Sometimes it leads to more questions. How? Why? The details I have no desire to know, well a small tiny one. I am human. We question things a lot. That is why I distance myself more from it all for my growth.

Now I am envisioning a future of two homes and two families as a unit working hopefully well. Phone calls instead of seeing the kids every night. No more lazy weekends as family with his pancakes in the morning. No more of the good that came worlds before the bad. The good that formed our family. That also means no more of the bad as well. It means a life starting over. That is a really hard thought. I dislike starting over. I like what the routine I had, even if it was not the best ending.

“Not for the things that matter.”
Jackson: “See, you can’t ever take responsibility. You never apologize.”
April: “I apologize all the time.”
Jackson: “Not for the things that matter.”

So I end up here, and April Kepner says it a lot better then me. She has a script to go by, I have life. I have the middle of the journey. So I leave with her.

I will leave you with the wise words of April Kepner, whom has a script. While I am in the middle of the storm. She will say the words of my heart.

“Even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. You can’t heal every wound.”
“We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it’s sort of a myth. We can’t boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. You can’t heal every wound, and that’s okay. I have to believe it’s okay. I have to believe that even if something seems like it cannot be fixed, it doesn’t mean it’s broken.”
– April

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your world falls apart I’d start a riot If night falls in your heart I’d light the fire In the dark, when you sound the alarm We’ll find each other’s arms For your love, all you are I’d start a riot

  Never poke a mama bear, not matter how you feel about her as a person. They will fight and claw or their cubs no matter what the cost is to them. They will put their cubs before themselves. The …

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the fourth of July ‘Cause baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em what you’re worth

This past week I started school. Lucky for me I started blogging before my typing class. Ironically my typing class and English class want me to just type and write every day. Done 😉

I have a beautiful spirited seven year old. Her life got shook upside down in one day after she left for school on day in October and ended up not living the house she left that day again. It is now Daddy’s house. She went from her own room with her stuff to sleeping on the floor. She went from seeing Daddy when he went home from work to two supervised hours a week and a couple phone calls a week. She went from Mommy and Daddy being together happily mostly (except when it wasn’t) to Daddy living with another girls and us not being together again or even in the same room ever. All in one day of leaving for school that started like most days. So to say it was a shock to ALL of us, especially her is an understatement. So if you can believe it she is having a hard time right now. This is hidden sometimes by the fact that she is so dang cheerful usually, unless she isn’t. It is easy to try to correct behaviors but there are not the issue. They are something to be reminded about but they are there for a reason. She is actually doing better then she was before I left (we doesn’t really apply as the girls were not given the choice) but not it is a different type of hard. She has lost the core of her personality, “family island” as inside out put it, and it shows.

She is lost and trying to find a new way just like we are. The only thing here is that with her Dad and I, we made our mistakes to get here. We have each contributed to the down fall of our island. It is like she blinked and hers was gone. We saw our crumbling before the fall. I have to believe a new better island will be back and better but to do that other things needs to be rebuilt. So I am treating her as age appropriately adult as possible. I am starting a journey with her to be fire works. To discover who we can be. To experience new things.

We started today with a small outing. Nothing huge just exploring. We went into a pawn shop and took pictures of what caught our eye. We were goofy and silly. The serious tone our lives started dripping with the last few years was not there. I let her take the lead a bit. I let her lead me to what drew her in. I let her take pictures of what she wanted and I even let her take a few of me. Even bigger I let her interrupt a few of mine in her silly way with mostly joy. We are going to make a photo album so she can see her growth in the chaos. We are going to bring out the good. We are going be ourselves and show what brought us a smile even for a minute. I am doing everything I am for my girls. I took my selfish months (thankfully I have my parents to pick up where I was slacking in trying to get myself straight enough to heal a bit) but now I need to help her get there too. That is how she gets her inner power. That is what will carry her through all of her future trials. Hopefully one day her island will grow and be bigger than we ever could have imagined. But it takes a lot of this:

 

I really loved this movie it actually hit me a lot as an adult. There has been so much going in me and others around me. Especially in my little family. To have it expressed with kid gloves was a super awesome way just to make it so simple and to hit you harder. It also makes it so when you hit melt down or you see others do it, you get a really fun visual of why. It gives more compassion for people that would otherwise drive you crazy. Believe me it helps with my separated husband. If you picture animatic characters melting in their own way together when you see someone going crazy. You just may laugh or want to say “oh honey”(HIMYM). Now I will share a few pictures we took, but I won’t show my big boos face 😉

 

Although my last thought for the night. While watching dancing with the stars one of the guys says about a past break up before a proposal that he was glad it hurt because that means that it was real. If it didn’t hurt I think I would be worried. I forgot how much I loved dancing with the stars 🙂 That is where I am putting my head space since I busted my booty all week to get ahead in classes, barely sleeping, because it was spring break for my oldest so two kids all week! I am going to rock this!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the fourth of July

‘Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

(Boom, boom, boom even brighter)
Than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom even brighter
Than the moon, moon, moon