Say something, I’m giving up on you I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you Anywhere, I would’ve followed you Say something, I’m giving up on you

When we navigate through life we find certain hamster wheels we get stuck on. Some we do on our own, other times we do them with other people. It starts a simple thing, then it becomes something much more dangerous. Good word recently said about me. It applies more to my own hamster wheel.

Okay maybe those are cats but you know. Same thing.

When I was 19 I met a boy. We were just friends then it became more. Then we broke up. Things happened we were all grr. We said hey we can be friends again. Well, that led to more which led to a break up later. Then we did it again and again. There were times we were seeing other people and we decided we could just be friends. Well that led to  us lying about hanging out. We had boundaries about touching or kissing (as in do not do it) until new years eve where we had our first new years kisses ever. Then we were having an affair. It was not the first time. That is not the story though. We ended up being really good “friends” with little care about who was getting hurt. We did this until we found ourselves in an actual commited relationship. We did good for a long. But we did this hamster wheel many many times.

This is a very  emotional and draining thing to do. Yet somehow I still find myself with the same delusions. Over time out extents got bigger. We were committed to one another for almost ten years or so. When that got badly fractured we had ‘radio silence’ as he expalained it for a few months then we texted, but when I did not make the physical attempts or talk to him on the phone for personal reasons to my own healing. Which led to radio silence, which led to well all of this beautiful chaos. Silver lining talking.

Usually the shift from friends or even radio silence to more was some sort of chaos in our lives, good or bad. This drew us back together to be there for eachother. We were best friends first then the emotions and the feelings. Then we try to avoid eachother, which fails. Then the talking…then bam.

So, he is in a relationship. I am morally staying married until I am not. We got to a place where we could talk and get along concerning the kids. We went a little more in depth. We were at a good place, not crossing any lines. Then my life had a crisis. This crisis hit the triggers that made the things I was okay with a month ago seem…like mistakes. They seem like things that I need to stop from happening. I lost the people I have to turn to not because they stopped being there but because they had too much on their plates. And some of those things were the triggers. It made him seem like the only sane person in my life. He just may be.  But that stupid hamster wheel.

The day that chaos started I happened to drop off the kids at his house. I started talking about everything but what I wanted to. We talked about kids, his work, my school. We even started talking about some things that went wrong with us. The things that ended it for us personally. We corrected misconceptions. Something was said about he got his girl friend to help pay the bills but it struck a cord. I made a snide remark about it being worth ruining our marriage for. Then that hit me close to home and when I was getting in the car I started crying because of my chaos. He saw and thought it had to do with what he said. He texted me and I told him it helped just talking to him. That I had something different going on unrelated and he had helped just being around.

We spent a few weeks just talking in general. Texting when he was at work. Making excuses to visit him there with the kids. We started crossing lines here and there. No physical ones but ones that were small to most people. They were the start of the wheel for us. Then life got more chaotic and I got (am) scared about my future because I am almost done with school. I am overwhelmed. He had the kids for a few days during spring break and I had way too much time to think. I started school and cut my class load in half. Too much time. I was having an over emotional day so I went to a movie which I was falling asleep during. He said he wanted coffee and I brought it. Along with a long no boundaries, rant which I talked a lot and paced. I laughed I cried and we crossed so many verbal lines. He let me take control and set the rules. He answered the questions, said the right things. We went from oops there was one foot to lets dance all over it. We even had the awkward we can’t touch because of the subjects we were covering. It all hit us again. We said everything but I love you. It was all chaotic and emotional. We left at a weird spot.

The next day we started the texting and it felt good. He called me a tease and nice to look at. This is tame compared to the day before. Then I asked if he was planning on rerenting a place with her, if he was lying. He was all wishy washy.  I know he has stuff to work through, but I cannot stand in the side lines waiting or being in the middle of life. So we essentially broke up again. I told him before I needed this clean break (divorce) and we would see what the future would hold. I also told him the day before that I was hurt he didn’t fight for me. I told him I needed to see what happened. I dropped bread crumbs. Then I ended it. I cannot emotionally go on the hamster wheel, I am too old. Too much is at stake. And I want to be happy. I want Gods plan for me not my own.

It is kind of refreshing though. When we did this over a year and half ago every one was watching. I had two little girls I needed to help dealing with the chaos of it all. I had to put on a brave face and fight for everything. I became hard and jaded. I was in fight mode constantly. Now I do not have to. We are almost ready to finalize. This time I feel depressed. This time no one is watching. People do not realize the lines that have been crossed. They are too busy with their own crap. I am good in their eyes with it all because I have been for so long.

Tonight I planned on taking sparkly galaxy pink bath using my bath bomb. It turned the water black. Usually I read but instead I sat and thought and felt. I was just the feeling I was. I literally got lost in the black, though it did have glitter. It felt really good. To actually be able to be alone and feel what I am feeling. This weekend he has the kids. I am getting together with a girl friend for a girls night. I get to feel those things I could not feel then. I was angry with him but had to hide it. In the past few weeks I told him. I am going to deal with it while no one is watching. I am going to be open to possibilities out there, including him. I will not close off my world. I will not put my eggs in one basket though.  I have officially given up.

I left the bread crumbs. I told him that I was open maybe one day but I needed him to fight for me. I needed a fresh start because this one is screwed up. It is up to God if it involves him or not. I know I have him forever because he is my kids Dad. I do not know if we will be able to be friends again. I do not know a lot. I know that it is not up to me. I know God can fix what he wants, but for me I need that break. I need to be me. I need to be open to what is out there. I am finally getting the chance to do what I thought I did in the begining but I was faking. Now I have no reason to fake it.  No one is looking anyway. They have something new to look at, this is past for them.

I bid it all ado. I washed off the black from the bath bomb and washed off the walls.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh, oh, oh, oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

I’m way too good at goodbyes…

An ode to a almost was…but was not meant to be.

April 12, 2021

Another old post probably from about 2018. Clearing out the skeltons in my closet.

I lost my rebound. I should probably be more sad but I am not. I am kind of dissappointed that I am losing my entertainment at night (texting you dirty minded people). I still have to give him credit he came out and told me straight out, and he still waited longer than the man I gave ten years to. I cannot say that I have any regrets, besided the double edged sword of not letting him kiss me because of a legality. Though I would have regretted letting him kiss me too. At least this way I had the eye gaze magic scene without it being possibly spoiled.

I found through this that I am way too good at goodbyes but I am also way too good at commitment, even without the actual words of it. When I get the butterflies and the good words. The I am not going anywhere right now helped too. I am just that person who wants forever. I want it just as much as I want to have fun and flirt. Ironic aye?

 

I am beautiful irony. It makes me pretty easy to please, and easy to fall for. Though not enough to stick around. The first time around I chased more, I made myself super devoted and available. I made my world all about the guy I was with. This time I want to be chased, I want a man who will fight for me and my kids. Who think we are the best things that will ever happen to him.

Oh well, one day my prince will come. With a white horse and all that cliche crap. Until then I hope he learned many interesting lessons. I hope he knows he did so many things right, that it was mainly about timing. There was a bit more. I am leaving it with good things. He reminded me how to be fun again, and what it is like to be my own person. That I am not someones Mom or someones “old lady”. He made me feel young and adult. He was just what I needed at that moment.

 

You must think that I’m stupid
You must think that I’m a fool
You must think that I’m new to this
But I have seen this all before

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless
I know you’re thinking I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way to good at goodbyes
(I’m way to good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No way that you’ll see me cry
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

No
No, no, no, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No, no, no, no
No, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes

“I’m jumping off of the world now, uh Never stop, never slow down Skydiving I take the leap without a parachute”

I was talking to someone at school today. I told them how I basically have lived on faith for over a year from the day I left to now. I have no parachute. I am having faith that God will help me land in safe pastures. Usually I enjoy the ride, heck usually I am flying down screaming my head off in the best way possible. Other times I am yelling and cursing at myself for ever jumping off the plane to start with. Today has been up with the down…up and flying, then down and wanting to cry. I am not sure the turn of events that cause this today, or just that the quarter is winding down, and so is the work load.

It is probably safe to say I should probably stay off the internet right now. But I am going to keep jumping, because I feel like crying and laughing…and making out with some boy. Even though I equally feel that this is a bad thing and a good thing. I try not to over think that. That is a whole other story for anyother day but today. Maybe.

I had to log back into facebook after….six months (?) of being deactivated. I unblocked the almost ex husband, but that is rather unremarkable as my account was up for maybe five minutes. It is more a digital photo album. It drew me back to those crazy facebook thoughts all over again. Lets see what is up with that person we have not seen in many months. I asked the boy about a picture he had. I am totally over those feelings. “Who is that girl writting on your wall?” How can one website reduce us all to high schoolers? I don’t know where I am going with this. My thoughts are not in line at the moment. I am a bit distracted and confused equally about my new prospects. It is odd going from “being with your forever” to facing any dating situations.

I do however think that there is such a thing as too much living in ones head and over analyzing. This is a new lesson, now how to turning it off. Though I am in step four- taking inventory- so that probably part of the problem. I think that is supposed to be the solution though.

I probably should add this to the scrap pile but I enjoy being open and honest, no holds bar. So I will just look up memes to add 😉

Skydiving

Lights

It all starts here, with a rush of blood to the head
And I feel no fear
And nothing’s happening yet
You pull me in
I’m doing things I never would do
My pulse, racing
I’m coming alive with you

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory
You said to me, “Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory”

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I take the leap without a parachute
‘Cause I can’t keep my hands away from you
And I’m all in
It’s too late to turn around
Adrenaline is taking my body now

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I’m going…

Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time

In may I was all rush rush to register for my summer classes. Then I was all lets pass those classes! Well, done! Then I was thinking one week to the next classes great! Well dagnabbit I find out there is a three week break between the quarters… I suck at waiting. I suck at waiting for answers, for the next steps, for anything. I want to see results. This serves me well in cases like the math class I finished early because I wanted to be done! Then I have date to start the classes and I get an email from one of my four classes saying it is open a few days early! Oh snap that is my jam!

Now I still have to wait three days! Three days may not seem like long but I feel like the sands of time are draining too fast. I feel like I need to act now to get into tomorrow. And I can work at my own pace so I can finish when I finish. I love being in control of my own studies. I want to beat the schedule. Pound the pavement. It makes me an awesome worker, I become more sufficient in less time and do the work of many people because I cannot stand to sit still. This is something I had forgotten when I got caught up in Mommy mode and not work mode it threw of my mojo. When I started school I went back into my crazy work mode. It is crazy what you forget about yourself. It is crazy what gets lost when you are wife and Mommy only. I feel excited for every new step and I cannot stand not going my pace…

Yeah that level of insanity. That is my mind. This not only applies to my school or work life but also my personal life. I am in a transition stage that most people do not take this time like I am. From what I see many people say well we are separated and living separate lives so lets move forward. The idea of legal technicalities do not matter. For me they do. Legal and spiritual things. So I am like a really really bad nun. Like no someone forced into it. I just got stuck here. I do not see us agreeing on anything anytime soon so…

I feel like I playing the waiting drum for so many pots to fully come to boil. There is a reason for this waiting. It is driving me insane though! I am waiting for the day I can go around my own town without the looks. For when I can shop at a certain store and be the normal customer who no one asks how I am like I will snap. I am waiting for when I can go out for coffee with a guy or talk to him without feeling like a I defiling my marriage that is only on paper. I want to feel like a normal person again. Not mom mode to robot in life mode. I want to be hugged by a guy and get butterflies. I want my family to be whole even if it is not in the way I imagined. I want the day where we say hey we are family and will be there for each other no matter what life circumstances are happening. We have each others backs.

Yeah like that. I want us to be that no matter what because we got two little cubs who we both need to be there for. This is how it should be. This is how it should have been so maybe we wouldn’t have ended up here. But here we are so lets do this crap! Lets move on and get this right for the little cubs now.

Okay I wanted a little rougher around the edges meme but admit it they are really cute. This is me in a nut shell.  You may not see how it applies to some people but it does. Just because I am not front and center doesn’t mean I am not cheering a whole lot louder then anyone else. You call me at 3 am and I am there. This is my time to be own ride or die. And I am on hold for so many things. You can’t rush some things. So here I am…

And here a few for the road that humored me or something else…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re hot then you’re cold. You’re yes then you’re no. You’re in then you’re out. You’re up then you’re down.”

So my back story is that I have only normally dated once, in high school and that was an ish. My estranged husband and I “dated” once in a restaurant because our friends all ditched us, then we walked his dog once. After that I was at his house until three am. We went from texting to one online conversation to seeing each other all the time. I do not mean after work I mean we worked the same shift at work, then I was at his house until about 3 am, then we went to our separate beds, then woke up and went to the same work place. Our conversations, they were about how many kids we wanted and what we wanted in the future. There was no slow place, well except me giving it up. Although people assumed because we were ALWAYS together. The funny part was we made out on the couch and watched south park for a very long time. Every step was a slow one in that department. That was my dating. The one time my high school boyfriend, who was a college student, dropped me off and picked me up like a normal date…totally awkward. I hated the idea of dating for so long! Finally, I get the marriage and  the life so I am finally done! Wrong! So now I am left feeling about the idea of it with dread and excitement. About like this…

The truth is, I rocked the marriage thing. It is easy to be chill when you know that your man is your man and he is coming home to you at the end of the night no matter how big the fight. I like the idea of being “his” woman, no generalized person there, and him taking advantage of that when he gets home. I like taking care of my man. I am old fashioned in many senses. I want to be the house wife.

 Although if I am more honest it is a bit like…

Anyways. That is me in a nut shell. So now I am in a new territory idea that at almost thirty with no real dating experience and two kids I will be in that world again. I was not good at it before. It seems the cards are stacked against me.

It is weird to now wait for a message, to wonder how what you say is interpreted. It is weird to not have the face to face behind it all. It is odd that a person can disappear and that is okay. There is no legal tie or any other. I mean call me weird but I like the idea of being tied to someone for the rest of your life. Someone who knows and loves your crazy and you his. That you can fight and it can be okay because you have a life together. One little thing isn’t going to stop that. And well see the pictures. I got a huge turn on from being called and calling things mine. This is weird territory. I am all left feet and butterfingers. It is terrifying to imagine that world. This is probably just a jumbled mess that no one but me will understand. This is my mind. And totally off track.

So I met a guy at school. And we talk online, no dating because well married. I used to have guy friends before I met my whatever he is technically called. Most of my close friends were. I left behind most of them because it was weird after. Now in my first college quarter I found myself in the same boat plus one single mom. This is not strange for me, but it can feel weird. My friend had a good rule, don’t do anything would not want to tell my estranged husband. If I wouldn’t tell him that is crossing a line. It can still feel weird when I met whom I thought was the rest of my life. It is like stepping back ten years.

Well this guy didn’t talk to me for a week or so. Not a big deal, but in my mind that means that I won’t hear from him again which I am okay with actually. Then he pops up again. This made me realize that I like marriage. Even serious dating would be nice. I cannot right now but the idea behind it all. Especially with two kids to chase around. I will have to start somewhere someday right. How excited do I sound? Right now I am hiding behind my marriage shield even though I have not seen my husband in…a few months. I have not heard his voice in longer. He does make a very pretty shield, he was a pretty purse but he got downgraded. Stay tuned for adventures in dating one day…not soon though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And life’s full of flaws Who knows the cause? Living in the memory of a love that never was

There are scars underneath the surface that we do not realize are there, or we do not think are as bad as they are. You go along your way and then something happens and bam.

It started talking to a guy as a friend who I will admit has my interest, but because of my vows I won’t do anything about it. Lets face it divorce is a long process. I have a long long line of being without male companionship. I start feeling guilty about talking to a guy even though it wasn’t bad and he knows my story. So in my lack of social abilities way I stutter a you know we can just be friends, I am worried I am not enough because I wasn’t enough for my husband. So why would I be enough for a guy I met three months ago? He assures me it is fine then…>poof<

Yes, I am being overly dramatic here. It was a weekend and I was busy. I was going to leave it alone but then I had a question about school and he would know the answer. So I ask it and my mind did not stop there, oh no it traveled. The power of the magical magnifying mind at its best. I ask what he had been doing. Honestly, it sounded like typical guy excuses. Whatever. I left my husband for my kids, no guy comes above that, especially now. Especially a friend. But oh the scars. I accuse him of ghosting. Halfway through it all I realize I am freaking out not because of this guy, it has nothing to do with him. It just pushed a button. I realized that my husband ghosted me and came back with my replacement. I did not think about it at all. I thought it was some high school dating thing that showed immaturity and you grow out of it. I did not think at the age of 29 it would happen with my husband of 5 years, significant other of 10 total in years. The guy I spent my twenties with. You do not associate such an immature term with something like that. It would never have crossed my mind until that innocent incident. Of course, that lead to an awkward apology and probably a thought of dodged that bullet dude.

Maybe he was a reason person in my life. To point out a scar I never would have realized. To help me heal. It has left me wondering what other scars are hiding. How will they come out? How can so much hide under the surface. It makes me glad I get the chance to heal right now. It makes me glad that I am focusing on me. It is amazing how much your body can heal itself. It is amazing how much it can handle physically and emotionally. I will say this, it is not wise to mess with a strong woman. It is not smart to poke a mama bear. It is an unwise man that does not lead with how can I improve her life, because if you improve her life it greatly enhances yours. If you satisfy her in certain areas, sex only being a small one, she will take great care of you.

I was talking to a friend. She told me how when she had problems with her boyfriend he complained about the house being a mess. The dishes and laundry being backed up, clutter etc.

When they were on better terms he came home from work the house was clean and tidy. He was shocked because it had been such a mess. She told him that that is the result of keeping your woman happy. Not to mention the sex stuff.

Many guys do not understand this. When the house or the woman is messy something is wrong. When she is put together and keeping things tidy you are doing something right. This does not include depression or other mental things. When she is fine when she is alone it is definitely you.

Even with my scars I feel better then I did before. I feel more put together. I am doing me and I am cool with that, for now. One day I want the white picket fence, or some version. For now it is about my girls and I. I want to know I can do it myself and with each day that feeling is getting stronger. I will finish out my finish out my first college quarter with about a 3.8 gpa if not higher. I am squared away for summer online classes. I am doing the best I can with my girls despite doing it alone. I did my first college quarter and a busy schedule of my oldest. Both of them are well adjusted despite it all, they show the signs of the situation but they are doing better then expected. I am doing better then I was six months ago. I did not think it was possible.

The scars will hit me though. It just shows that I have gotten past the last scar. Each scar opened means that I worked on the last. Each one is progress. I will be okay, my girls will be better for having a strong mom.

Watch the  scars people, they are the things that bring you to your knees and make you stop. This means you made it past another hurdle.

And guys, don’t ghost out. Be man and say what’s up! Seriously, you won’t end her world by leaving, you may just leave her stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The thing that I needed was you. I survived. You survived. But I do not think we can survive this.”

I have a confession. I love binge watching. Currently, my show is Grey’s anatomy. I can usually find something to relate to. The episode I watched today was the divorce episode of April and Jackson. I had this episode going while I was working on custody paperwork, while emotionally processing the things I did that are not helpful to where we ended up now. It stuck me so much I have given up the song lyrics for this occasion. I am unsure Who would be saying the above quote, maybe both of us. Because I know, he is doing the same thing as me. Preparing paperwork as to why you are the better parent. It is a nasty thing. I do not enjoy it because I choose him as the father of my children, and the rest of my life. He was my person. I don’t want to get evidence, or discredit him. I want to build him up. I want to cheer him on from a distance. It makes me really sad and mad that it came to this. I will always love him to some extent just not as what it was.

“Until you look at each and every injury, you can’t see what went wrong.”

“In trauma, we’re concerned with one overriding question. How did this happen? What was the mechanism of injury? How do we see past the mess and confusion of the trauma to figure out what the damage actually is? … Every part of a trauma tells a different piece of a story. And until you look at each and every injury, you can’t see what went wrong.”
– April

 

The second downfall between this paperwork and being in my support group is that it gets very into me. What I did? What I didn’t do? I had go through all of our text messages to decide what was important to pass on and what was just what it is. I started in the sexy texting, full of dirty things and love. Full of sweet nothings and we are perfect for each other. All those thing you send to the love of your life. In the middle it gets more sexual and you can tell the fighting. You can see me getting short after I left. You can see his lies in the timing of what I know now. You can see where I was running. Where I was too hurt to come close, where I felt pressured. I can see where maybe if I would have listened to him instead of telling him good night, maybe if he would have listened to what I said. Maybe if…

You can see two people fighting the same battle in very different ways. I needed space and time to heal, he needed the opposite. I tried to meet him how he needed before, he did the same. So many wrong choices from both of us. Then you see him detach. You see me cling or run away.

You see it all play out step by step with more knowledge behind it. You see more clearly what seemed so foggy and unsure. You see so much more than you want to. You start seeing beyond the pain and anger you saw it from before. You see how others could have seen it, just with a lot more visualization. You see what you should have said or done. In my support group we toss around, “should have’s don’t come from God”. It is very true. It does not stop them from swimming in your head. I have been super emotional, which is worse because I am still hormonal. Oy the hormones! It is a very crazy roller coaster.

You also see what has become of the players. You see where we went with the cards you were dealt and where they did. You see the death of what should have been crystal clear. Sometimes it leads to more questions. How? Why? The details I have no desire to know, well a small tiny one. I am human. We question things a lot. That is why I distance myself more from it all for my growth.

Now I am envisioning a future of two homes and two families as a unit working hopefully well. Phone calls instead of seeing the kids every night. No more lazy weekends as family with his pancakes in the morning. No more of the good that came worlds before the bad. The good that formed our family. That also means no more of the bad as well. It means a life starting over. That is a really hard thought. I dislike starting over. I like what the routine I had, even if it was not the best ending.

“Not for the things that matter.”
Jackson: “See, you can’t ever take responsibility. You never apologize.”
April: “I apologize all the time.”
Jackson: “Not for the things that matter.”

So I end up here, and April Kepner says it a lot better then me. She has a script to go by, I have life. I have the middle of the journey. So I leave with her.

I will leave you with the wise words of April Kepner, whom has a script. While I am in the middle of the storm. She will say the words of my heart.

“Even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. You can’t heal every wound.”
“We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it’s sort of a myth. We can’t boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. You can’t heal every wound, and that’s okay. I have to believe it’s okay. I have to believe that even if something seems like it cannot be fixed, it doesn’t mean it’s broken.”
– April

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your world falls apart I’d start a riot If night falls in your heart I’d light the fire In the dark, when you sound the alarm We’ll find each other’s arms For your love, all you are I’d start a riot

  Never poke a mama bear, not matter how you feel about her as a person. They will fight and claw or their cubs no matter what the cost is to them. They will put their cubs before themselves. The …

We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts We both know we ain’t kids no more Send my love to your new lover Treat her better

I was at the gym today. Now usually to distract myself from myself during work outs I look at the pretty fit boys who can do amazing things with their bodies that mine is not strong or flexible enough. I can’t even describe. I also look because my ex never worked out but had a nice body, he just wanted more muscles with out doing the work. So yes guys who take care of themselves is hot. I also look at anyone using a machine I do not know how to use them, like a helpful you tube video.  I look at the gym couples and wonder about their relationships, if they are improved by working out together. I watch people a lot. I listen to my music and push through. Today was weird though.

I was so wrapped up in my head from a conversation with some one new that the songs spurred a new thought or processed how I felt on it. It is not uncommon for people to ask me questions about my situation. I am a Christian and have many Christian people around. It is not common to leave even with addiction problems, the problem that arises is how it all effects the kids later. The adults that were in the household like that who ended up in tough places themselves. Sometimes the marriage ends up working out after so many years. Then the kids start using, or marrying a user. The wives I talk to are confounded on how I left a marriage that had the love, the sex and even the functionality. It is hard to describe how much it changed him, how it was like being married to twins a good and evil one. Eventually the evil one starts popping up more, until you are about to go, then the good one pops in to save the day until it is safe for the evil one to appear. You can have a good life with the good one but you are in fear of the evil one appearing at the smallest thing. But shouldn’t we keep working on it? How could I leave the strong feelings of love? Some days if I am honest I think back to after I left what if I had given him phone calls when he asked, when text message wasn’t enough? I know I did the right thing in my heart. My girls deserve two happy parents no matter if it is apart or not. I deserve to be treated like a queen. He deserves a girl who isn’t so paranoid after all that has happened that he can’t have privacy. We need to be the best functioning parents. However there is still that nag in my head and heart. Love doesn’t end that easy. But I digress.

I am pondering my feelings and thoughts on the elliptical. I start looking at the guys doing amazingly flexible tricks and certain songs will pop in to my ears. It will send me into the mind frame of the songs to my emotions. Some hit more then others, some just make me wonder if I feel emotions in the songs or if it is just lingering feelings. I doubt those will go away. Then Adele pops up. I have a love/hate relationship with her. Some songs hit me in the heart. Some just make me want to hit her and say man up. This song has been playing every time I workout. It hits home especially this part

I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more

This is what I wish I could say to him. I wish I could say I felt this way all the time, however, I do not. This is when I am good and strong. When I am not it is closer to “someone like you”. I hope one day to not be haunted to if we were to have done x better, if I were to have done x different. My “idea” this time was maybe if I had waited until he had sobered up and said see here buddy give it up for good or give me up for good. I doubt it would have ended different, just later. I would have lost me a lot more of me. My daughters would have had more emotional damage. They would have thought that all that chaos was normal, and it is not. It is just crazy how you can know you are doing the right thing, and feel better but still be haunted by what you have given up to get there. You can wish someone the best, and wish them the worst at the same time. I had hoped that by now my posts would have less to do with him. I also know I need to mourn what I have lost. It is the what if’s that get you. It is mourning the loss of what should have been that gets me the most. The future we should have had that got taken away by alcohol. The trust that was destroyed by choices that were made. The ache in my heart when I think about never touching him again, being intimate again. The loss of my best friend.

No matter what I lost I now have an open future full of hope. I have possibilities I never could have thought of. This is where I usually live. I look at gym boys and think, I want a guy who takes care of himself. I look at gym couples and think man we can workout together. I think about the good traits in him I like, and the ones I don’t. It is like shopping as a adult who knows what she wants vs. a kid whos parents are out of town. You list gets more refined. You know which foods look good on the shelf, which foods are healthy for you, and that you need to have a balance of the two. Right now I am walking around the store taking inventory based off what I have made before. It is fun. My romantic future, my career future, even my house decorating future.

This doesn’t mean I feel like I have control over it all, quite the opposite. I have reached the time in my life where I know I am not. I know that only God can give me a better future. I am sure I could make myself a real messy one on my own. I do not want that. I feel like there is a promise of one I cannot imagine. I am holding out for that.

For now I am going to write a paper on MLK and Obama speeches! I will leave not with their famous lines but with the great philosopher Adele 😉

 

Lyrics

Just the guitar

This was all you, none of it me
You put your hands all over my body and told me, umm
You told me you were ready
For the big one, for the big jump
I’d be your last love everlasting you and me
That was what you told me

I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more

I was too strong you were trembling
You couldn’t handle the hot heat rising (rising), umm
Baby I’m so rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn’t keep up, you were falling down (down), umm
There’s only one way down

I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We’ve both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more

If you’re ready, if you’re ready
If you’re ready, I am ready
If you’re ready, if you’re ready
We both know we ain’t kids no more
No, we ain’t kids no more

I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more

If you’re ready, if you’re ready (Send my love to your new lover)
If you’re ready, are you ready? (Treat her better)
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
If you’re ready, if you’re ready (Send my love to your new lover)
If you’re ready, are you ready? (Treat her better)
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the fourth of July ‘Cause baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em what you’re worth

This past week I started school. Lucky for me I started blogging before my typing class. Ironically my typing class and English class want me to just type and write every day. Done 😉

I have a beautiful spirited seven year old. Her life got shook upside down in one day after she left for school on day in October and ended up not living the house she left that day again. It is now Daddy’s house. She went from her own room with her stuff to sleeping on the floor. She went from seeing Daddy when he went home from work to two supervised hours a week and a couple phone calls a week. She went from Mommy and Daddy being together happily mostly (except when it wasn’t) to Daddy living with another girls and us not being together again or even in the same room ever. All in one day of leaving for school that started like most days. So to say it was a shock to ALL of us, especially her is an understatement. So if you can believe it she is having a hard time right now. This is hidden sometimes by the fact that she is so dang cheerful usually, unless she isn’t. It is easy to try to correct behaviors but there are not the issue. They are something to be reminded about but they are there for a reason. She is actually doing better then she was before I left (we doesn’t really apply as the girls were not given the choice) but not it is a different type of hard. She has lost the core of her personality, “family island” as inside out put it, and it shows.

She is lost and trying to find a new way just like we are. The only thing here is that with her Dad and I, we made our mistakes to get here. We have each contributed to the down fall of our island. It is like she blinked and hers was gone. We saw our crumbling before the fall. I have to believe a new better island will be back and better but to do that other things needs to be rebuilt. So I am treating her as age appropriately adult as possible. I am starting a journey with her to be fire works. To discover who we can be. To experience new things.

We started today with a small outing. Nothing huge just exploring. We went into a pawn shop and took pictures of what caught our eye. We were goofy and silly. The serious tone our lives started dripping with the last few years was not there. I let her take the lead a bit. I let her lead me to what drew her in. I let her take pictures of what she wanted and I even let her take a few of me. Even bigger I let her interrupt a few of mine in her silly way with mostly joy. We are going to make a photo album so she can see her growth in the chaos. We are going to bring out the good. We are going be ourselves and show what brought us a smile even for a minute. I am doing everything I am for my girls. I took my selfish months (thankfully I have my parents to pick up where I was slacking in trying to get myself straight enough to heal a bit) but now I need to help her get there too. That is how she gets her inner power. That is what will carry her through all of her future trials. Hopefully one day her island will grow and be bigger than we ever could have imagined. But it takes a lot of this:

 

I really loved this movie it actually hit me a lot as an adult. There has been so much going in me and others around me. Especially in my little family. To have it expressed with kid gloves was a super awesome way just to make it so simple and to hit you harder. It also makes it so when you hit melt down or you see others do it, you get a really fun visual of why. It gives more compassion for people that would otherwise drive you crazy. Believe me it helps with my separated husband. If you picture animatic characters melting in their own way together when you see someone going crazy. You just may laugh or want to say “oh honey”(HIMYM). Now I will share a few pictures we took, but I won’t show my big boos face 😉

 

Although my last thought for the night. While watching dancing with the stars one of the guys says about a past break up before a proposal that he was glad it hurt because that means that it was real. If it didn’t hurt I think I would be worried. I forgot how much I loved dancing with the stars 🙂 That is where I am putting my head space since I busted my booty all week to get ahead in classes, barely sleeping, because it was spring break for my oldest so two kids all week! I am going to rock this!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the fourth of July

‘Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

(Boom, boom, boom even brighter)
Than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom even brighter
Than the moon, moon, moon