“I wish somebody would have told me babe That some day, these will be the good old days All the love you won’t forget And all these reckless nights you won’t regret”

I am reaching the last legs of my divorce settlement. The first phase for me was the shock and denial, then came the the enlightened girl power. This phase is not fun it is the nostalgic, second guessing phase. Are we really doing the right thing? And if I have to reread the phrase irreconcilable differences again this week I will scream! My belief system of not divorcing is poking at me. When I know that there is nothing much that can be different. We may have had chances before but now to work it out but after all the pieces have fallen the way they have it is too late. If there is anything that could be done it is in Gods hands.

That sounds totally cliche but I am going on without a plan for where I will be. I just know that I tried to do this once. I decided who was the one for me, I decided we were meant to be no matter what. I forced it to be the plan, because God wants marriages to stay together so if I get married he will bless our union. He has to. It doesn’t matter what he thought before. Yeah, kids don’t try to force Gods plans.

My almost ex-husband and I have been talking about what went wrong and general feelings. How things are totally different. He said something about how he will never have the same relationship as before. Ours was different from his ones before and from the one he is in now. How he does not think any one will be that ‘special’ (I inserted that word to try to lighten the mood) again. In a sense that was it for him in the deep romance department. It got lost with our relationship. There is also comments about if we had had kids later and such..maybe if..maybe if…

I am in a different boat. I know what was there. I know what it still lingering. I also know there was a reason I left. I know that things are broken, not that they could not be fixed before. I know why. I am not a teenage girl with stars in her eyes. It just sucks to see the things that should have happened before this point to make it work. To see the guy that I fell in love with come back in a shell of a guy who seems so lost and hopeless. To hear even now that that part of him I saw before is only around with me, when he goes back to his new reality it is not there. It makes me want to crawl back about four years and yell at us both to watch out. To avoid…well this.

Instead I look at the future. I hope for a love that makes me realize that I can love more deeply than I thought I could now. One that makes me be glad that I found him at that time. That he was the missing piece of the puzzle. That I have a guy who was my husband but is my great friend, and the guy that is the love of my life. That I am blessed enough to have them both. That I have two great guys in my corner instead of the world

I saw in my twenties. Or God can come in and change everything.

He let me have my way once. He let us mess it all up. Now I am going to trust him to help me rebuild it.

But oh man right now I am looking back real good at the Good ol’ Days! I miss them, they were pretty awesome. They were my twenties. They brought a love, a marriage and two beautiful children. They held my youth, they were my stupid growing up mistakes. They were what I look back in with a smile, or sometimes want to cry. They are gone now. My twenties formed the me of my thirties. I lost the ideals, but the memories and feelings are still there. Now I need to grow up to my thirties and apply the lessons I have learned.

So I will end here in my head again. I will enjoy not having to worry about homework as I finally finished the quarter. I am going to get a glass of wine, kick my feet up and relax.

I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

I was thinking about the band
I was thinking about the fans
We were underground
Loaded merch in that 12-passenger van
In a small club in Minnesota
And the snow outside of 1st Ave
I just wanted my name in a star
Now look at where we at
Still growing up, still growing up
I’d be laying in my bed and dream about what I’d become
Couldn’t wait to get older, couldn’t wait to be someone
Now that I’m here, wishing I was still young
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Wish I didn’t think I had the answers
Wish I didn’t drink all of that glass first
Wish I made it to homecoming
Got up the courage to ask her
Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell
Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf
Wish I wouldn’t have worry about what other people thought
And felt comfortable in myself
Rooftop open and the stars above
Moment frozen, sneaking out, and falling in love
Me, you and that futon, we’d just begun
On the grass, dreaming, figuring out who I was
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe we always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missing what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinking about the past
While missing out on now
We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud
And I ain’t worried about the wrinkles around my smile
I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around
I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now
Those good old days

You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone
You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone

I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

I’m way too good at goodbyes…

An ode to a almost was…but was not meant to be.

April 12, 2021

Another old post probably from about 2018. Clearing out the skeltons in my closet.

I lost my rebound. I should probably be more sad but I am not. I am kind of dissappointed that I am losing my entertainment at night (texting you dirty minded people). I still have to give him credit he came out and told me straight out, and he still waited longer than the man I gave ten years to. I cannot say that I have any regrets, besided the double edged sword of not letting him kiss me because of a legality. Though I would have regretted letting him kiss me too. At least this way I had the eye gaze magic scene without it being possibly spoiled.

I found through this that I am way too good at goodbyes but I am also way too good at commitment, even without the actual words of it. When I get the butterflies and the good words. The I am not going anywhere right now helped too. I am just that person who wants forever. I want it just as much as I want to have fun and flirt. Ironic aye?

 

I am beautiful irony. It makes me pretty easy to please, and easy to fall for. Though not enough to stick around. The first time around I chased more, I made myself super devoted and available. I made my world all about the guy I was with. This time I want to be chased, I want a man who will fight for me and my kids. Who think we are the best things that will ever happen to him.

Oh well, one day my prince will come. With a white horse and all that cliche crap. Until then I hope he learned many interesting lessons. I hope he knows he did so many things right, that it was mainly about timing. There was a bit more. I am leaving it with good things. He reminded me how to be fun again, and what it is like to be my own person. That I am not someones Mom or someones “old lady”. He made me feel young and adult. He was just what I needed at that moment.

 

You must think that I’m stupid
You must think that I’m a fool
You must think that I’m new to this
But I have seen this all before

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless
I know you’re thinking I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way to good at goodbyes
(I’m way to good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No way that you’ll see me cry
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

No
No, no, no, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No, no, no, no
No, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes

“I’m jumping off of the world now, uh Never stop, never slow down Skydiving I take the leap without a parachute”

I was talking to someone at school today. I told them how I basically have lived on faith for over a year from the day I left to now. I have no parachute. I am having faith that God will help me land in safe pastures. Usually I enjoy the ride, heck usually I am flying down screaming my head off in the best way possible. Other times I am yelling and cursing at myself for ever jumping off the plane to start with. Today has been up with the down…up and flying, then down and wanting to cry. I am not sure the turn of events that cause this today, or just that the quarter is winding down, and so is the work load.

It is probably safe to say I should probably stay off the internet right now. But I am going to keep jumping, because I feel like crying and laughing…and making out with some boy. Even though I equally feel that this is a bad thing and a good thing. I try not to over think that. That is a whole other story for anyother day but today. Maybe.

I had to log back into facebook after….six months (?) of being deactivated. I unblocked the almost ex husband, but that is rather unremarkable as my account was up for maybe five minutes. It is more a digital photo album. It drew me back to those crazy facebook thoughts all over again. Lets see what is up with that person we have not seen in many months. I asked the boy about a picture he had. I am totally over those feelings. “Who is that girl writting on your wall?” How can one website reduce us all to high schoolers? I don’t know where I am going with this. My thoughts are not in line at the moment. I am a bit distracted and confused equally about my new prospects. It is odd going from “being with your forever” to facing any dating situations.

I do however think that there is such a thing as too much living in ones head and over analyzing. This is a new lesson, now how to turning it off. Though I am in step four- taking inventory- so that probably part of the problem. I think that is supposed to be the solution though.

I probably should add this to the scrap pile but I enjoy being open and honest, no holds bar. So I will just look up memes to add 😉

Skydiving

Lights

It all starts here, with a rush of blood to the head
And I feel no fear
And nothing’s happening yet
You pull me in
I’m doing things I never would do
My pulse, racing
I’m coming alive with you

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory
You said to me, “Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory”

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I take the leap without a parachute
‘Cause I can’t keep my hands away from you
And I’m all in
It’s too late to turn around
Adrenaline is taking my body now

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I’m going…

“Looking forward, looking back I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go”

My Uncle and Aunt came for a visit a few weeks ago. This is an odd occcurance as they live quite a few states away, and I cannot recall them coming here before. Usually we would meet somewhere in the middle family reunion style. Their son was looking at a University near by  as he is so successful they are courting him. He just happens to be uber successful in his line of work. He is currently on vacation with his wife in Hawaii…

As you know growing up in a family back stories come out when you get older or when they go through something simliar. My Uncle, I found out during my separation, was an alcoholic. His wife did the ultimatum of the booze or me. He choose her. It has not been easy but they made it. Keep in mind I am paraphrasing third party information. I have seen them though. They by all outward appearances have made it through. Their kids are both amazingly grounded and successful. The son they had here got four crazy kids to meditiate for over an hour!

I take all this in now that we are in settlement process of our divorce. My family is broken. Neither of us want to be with eachother, but we may always be the one that you look back on and wonder. It is odd doing drop offs when it is all so weird.

It is accurate to say our levels of friendship had a….passionate…tone. It had a hint of promise of what could be. A bit of ride or die..Well the ride just got real awkward.

So yeah. There I done went and awkwarded this too.

Back on point now. There is also the case of my Grandparents.

When I was an awkward teenager my grandmother called while she was intoxicated and said I reminded her of herself. This because of some…complicated family things…struck a bad cord to me. I do not think I ever got over it until she had passed away. This fueled my teenage mind to avoid alcohol, and that among other things still holds true. I did not make good relationship choices. That was not alcohol though!

In the same theme of family secrets I found things that lead to my grandparents divorce. It was a good thing. The only bad thing was that it did not happen sooner for their kids. I married a man like my grandfather. This has a good and bad side. That person that I heard stories about was changed by the time I met him. He was amazing. He left an amazing imprint on me. I did end up like my grandmother though, just in a very different time, in a very different way. The good point for me is that my grandparents always loved eachother. My grandmother and her long-term boyfriend bought my gramdfathers old house when he moved from his neighboring town into ours. He grieved her when she died. That is not to say they did not live very different lives. I cannot recall them ever living in the same city again, they spent many years in different states.

Why walk down these old paths? I faced a similiar situation and picked one of them. It does not mean that I do not look on my version of what the other side would be like. I took my path though. I am honestly looking forward to onward and upward (see the post that will come in five day written a month or more ago). When I see someone who “made it” it still makes me a bit sad. I just need to keep looking forward.

“Looking Forward Looking Back”

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I’ve seen
All the love we’ve had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we’ll be fine, unlike some
I’ll be leaning forward, to see what’s coming

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I’m alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I’m okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know
Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And life’s full of flaws Who knows the cause? Living in the memory of a love that never was

There are scars underneath the surface that we do not realize are there, or we do not think are as bad as they are. You go along your way and then something happens and bam.

It started talking to a guy as a friend who I will admit has my interest, but because of my vows I won’t do anything about it. Lets face it divorce is a long process. I have a long long line of being without male companionship. I start feeling guilty about talking to a guy even though it wasn’t bad and he knows my story. So in my lack of social abilities way I stutter a you know we can just be friends, I am worried I am not enough because I wasn’t enough for my husband. So why would I be enough for a guy I met three months ago? He assures me it is fine then…>poof<

Yes, I am being overly dramatic here. It was a weekend and I was busy. I was going to leave it alone but then I had a question about school and he would know the answer. So I ask it and my mind did not stop there, oh no it traveled. The power of the magical magnifying mind at its best. I ask what he had been doing. Honestly, it sounded like typical guy excuses. Whatever. I left my husband for my kids, no guy comes above that, especially now. Especially a friend. But oh the scars. I accuse him of ghosting. Halfway through it all I realize I am freaking out not because of this guy, it has nothing to do with him. It just pushed a button. I realized that my husband ghosted me and came back with my replacement. I did not think about it at all. I thought it was some high school dating thing that showed immaturity and you grow out of it. I did not think at the age of 29 it would happen with my husband of 5 years, significant other of 10 total in years. The guy I spent my twenties with. You do not associate such an immature term with something like that. It would never have crossed my mind until that innocent incident. Of course, that lead to an awkward apology and probably a thought of dodged that bullet dude.

Maybe he was a reason person in my life. To point out a scar I never would have realized. To help me heal. It has left me wondering what other scars are hiding. How will they come out? How can so much hide under the surface. It makes me glad I get the chance to heal right now. It makes me glad that I am focusing on me. It is amazing how much your body can heal itself. It is amazing how much it can handle physically and emotionally. I will say this, it is not wise to mess with a strong woman. It is not smart to poke a mama bear. It is an unwise man that does not lead with how can I improve her life, because if you improve her life it greatly enhances yours. If you satisfy her in certain areas, sex only being a small one, she will take great care of you.

I was talking to a friend. She told me how when she had problems with her boyfriend he complained about the house being a mess. The dishes and laundry being backed up, clutter etc.

When they were on better terms he came home from work the house was clean and tidy. He was shocked because it had been such a mess. She told him that that is the result of keeping your woman happy. Not to mention the sex stuff.

Many guys do not understand this. When the house or the woman is messy something is wrong. When she is put together and keeping things tidy you are doing something right. This does not include depression or other mental things. When she is fine when she is alone it is definitely you.

Even with my scars I feel better then I did before. I feel more put together. I am doing me and I am cool with that, for now. One day I want the white picket fence, or some version. For now it is about my girls and I. I want to know I can do it myself and with each day that feeling is getting stronger. I will finish out my finish out my first college quarter with about a 3.8 gpa if not higher. I am squared away for summer online classes. I am doing the best I can with my girls despite doing it alone. I did my first college quarter and a busy schedule of my oldest. Both of them are well adjusted despite it all, they show the signs of the situation but they are doing better then expected. I am doing better then I was six months ago. I did not think it was possible.

The scars will hit me though. It just shows that I have gotten past the last scar. Each scar opened means that I worked on the last. Each one is progress. I will be okay, my girls will be better for having a strong mom.

Watch the  scars people, they are the things that bring you to your knees and make you stop. This means you made it past another hurdle.

And guys, don’t ghost out. Be man and say what’s up! Seriously, you won’t end her world by leaving, you may just leave her stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The thing that I needed was you. I survived. You survived. But I do not think we can survive this.”

I have a confession. I love binge watching. Currently, my show is Grey’s anatomy. I can usually find something to relate to. The episode I watched today was the divorce episode of April and Jackson. I had this episode going while I was working on custody paperwork, while emotionally processing the things I did that are not helpful to where we ended up now. It stuck me so much I have given up the song lyrics for this occasion. I am unsure Who would be saying the above quote, maybe both of us. Because I know, he is doing the same thing as me. Preparing paperwork as to why you are the better parent. It is a nasty thing. I do not enjoy it because I choose him as the father of my children, and the rest of my life. He was my person. I don’t want to get evidence, or discredit him. I want to build him up. I want to cheer him on from a distance. It makes me really sad and mad that it came to this. I will always love him to some extent just not as what it was.

“Until you look at each and every injury, you can’t see what went wrong.”

“In trauma, we’re concerned with one overriding question. How did this happen? What was the mechanism of injury? How do we see past the mess and confusion of the trauma to figure out what the damage actually is? … Every part of a trauma tells a different piece of a story. And until you look at each and every injury, you can’t see what went wrong.”
– April

 

The second downfall between this paperwork and being in my support group is that it gets very into me. What I did? What I didn’t do? I had go through all of our text messages to decide what was important to pass on and what was just what it is. I started in the sexy texting, full of dirty things and love. Full of sweet nothings and we are perfect for each other. All those thing you send to the love of your life. In the middle it gets more sexual and you can tell the fighting. You can see me getting short after I left. You can see his lies in the timing of what I know now. You can see where I was running. Where I was too hurt to come close, where I felt pressured. I can see where maybe if I would have listened to him instead of telling him good night, maybe if he would have listened to what I said. Maybe if…

You can see two people fighting the same battle in very different ways. I needed space and time to heal, he needed the opposite. I tried to meet him how he needed before, he did the same. So many wrong choices from both of us. Then you see him detach. You see me cling or run away.

You see it all play out step by step with more knowledge behind it. You see more clearly what seemed so foggy and unsure. You see so much more than you want to. You start seeing beyond the pain and anger you saw it from before. You see how others could have seen it, just with a lot more visualization. You see what you should have said or done. In my support group we toss around, “should have’s don’t come from God”. It is very true. It does not stop them from swimming in your head. I have been super emotional, which is worse because I am still hormonal. Oy the hormones! It is a very crazy roller coaster.

You also see what has become of the players. You see where we went with the cards you were dealt and where they did. You see the death of what should have been crystal clear. Sometimes it leads to more questions. How? Why? The details I have no desire to know, well a small tiny one. I am human. We question things a lot. That is why I distance myself more from it all for my growth.

Now I am envisioning a future of two homes and two families as a unit working hopefully well. Phone calls instead of seeing the kids every night. No more lazy weekends as family with his pancakes in the morning. No more of the good that came worlds before the bad. The good that formed our family. That also means no more of the bad as well. It means a life starting over. That is a really hard thought. I dislike starting over. I like what the routine I had, even if it was not the best ending.

“Not for the things that matter.”
Jackson: “See, you can’t ever take responsibility. You never apologize.”
April: “I apologize all the time.”
Jackson: “Not for the things that matter.”

So I end up here, and April Kepner says it a lot better then me. She has a script to go by, I have life. I have the middle of the journey. So I leave with her.

I will leave you with the wise words of April Kepner, whom has a script. While I am in the middle of the storm. She will say the words of my heart.

“Even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. You can’t heal every wound.”
“We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it’s sort of a myth. We can’t boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. You can’t heal every wound, and that’s okay. I have to believe it’s okay. I have to believe that even if something seems like it cannot be fixed, it doesn’t mean it’s broken.”
– April

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your world falls apart I’d start a riot If night falls in your heart I’d light the fire In the dark, when you sound the alarm We’ll find each other’s arms For your love, all you are I’d start a riot

  Never poke a mama bear, not matter how you feel about her as a person. They will fight and claw or their cubs no matter what the cost is to them. They will put their cubs before themselves. The …

I’ve got another confession my friend I’m no fool I’m getting tired of starting again Somewhere new

I have a confession. I am a perfectionist. Now I wouldn’t say I was OCD that is a whole different ball game. You see I am doing an online class for English, a typing class and a math class on an online forum. I am ahead in my English by a few days caught up in typing class, but that class I will get to later. My math class, I am 80% done with the class lessons online. Uhh…yeah. I have stopped sleeping normal hours, okay to be honest I never did. Now I just spend massive hours doing school work at night. I have kids during the day when I am not at class. There is also a boy to flirt with between my classes 😉 So I work until it all turns to mush…

So I work on math. From about 8 pm to about 1 or 2 am, at least five days a week. Can I just say I am so dang tired. I am so tired when I go to my typing class in the morning I am such a slow typer and I get my fingers all sorts of messed up. At least I can say I am rocking math which I NEVER thought I would be able to say. I feel amazing knowing that I am working my butt or mind off, which ever comes first. I see a guy in class who says he is so ahead so he doesn’t need to work as hard and it drives me crazy. I am ahead of him because I don’t spend my time playing video games instead of working. I don’t spend the class talking I work. I do socialize but not in a way that hinders working. One night I even fell asleep at 8 pm before my two year old cuddle buddy and slept ten or more hours. The next night I was all over the math again.

My typing class will be my downfall though. I am such a perfectionist I am at the stage where you make mistakes to learn but I beat myself up until I am so slow and it is full of mistakes. My brain gets all well actually…

I feel like an idiot. Did I mention it will be a huge part of my job?  I will put it this week I have typed at that start about 30 words a minute and now am barely at 18…because I pause to beat myself up. Or try to make words and sentences of jumble stuff. Then I just trying to get the homework done in a really crappy way just to meet a goal…downward spiral so now I am here…

What I need to do is let myself make the mistakes. Here is my thing though, I am living off an income and bill pay system that is unrealistic to rely on. One day I will be divorced and I doubt the judge or whomever will say yeah that’s great lets keep him paying your bills for two more years while you are in school. So I feel like I flipped a sand timer that isn’t stopping! It doesn’t help it is all around my daughters’ schedules. So if little L doesn’t want me on my computer she will make sure I can’t concentrate anyway! And My big boo has school and other stuff I have to plan around being a taxi. So yeah I am running this rat race at full speed and hopefully I can get breaks so I don’t crash. On the bright side I blog real good not looking at the keys. It is copying other peoples words or dribble stuff that makes no sense. As you can my English class is great lol. My mind is so blah my grammar and such probably really sucks.. oh well. Now I am going to bed to dream about a guy I have talked to twice 😉 Any flirting or dating advise out there? I never did it before. I have time to learn though I am still legally married so to me that means no dating, with what time anyway?  I will leave you with this…

0DltWWeN0vSb2+maO2EYSMKZHkJCjdnavA5OATx249638SaZcaeVe5VDG/4JIWLoWAzswQCGI7d84New8F2rQ2epq+NwaTkf5VCKpdag1COwsIZ0tTAk9mqvE7s5xIgU4IxyKNnGGClnlG8PgvUSgfpQKxGRC0xEmPmQhUHkcc/WoGjW0987Q28I3R8TmVtgiYkjY2Adz5VuB7d+1fR7z/tm3/yc/75oc/wFVfhkYbWiP8AzD/+2So8cSdzPF63ptxYFOtHGyysqRSRSExs7EAKxK5TOcg4PY16OHw3qUf/AIeBvkLk5/LMIH76460o/oLTfk9h/wAaV6jUj/0zZ/5W6/1LehVRQb2U+lhJl3lGVgSjI48yMhwykDjv61ZIgHAGKiWn9vef5hv9OOptXSSOtQlsTFKUqRwpSlAGKUpW88MKUpQBXarKI5LWVgxSOcM+1SxC9KRc7VGe7Ct9C8WpHc3nVWUQPIklu/SkO7MYWVdoXK4KKee+4+1TqUudSk8mirUOEcYPNaB4mNhpFvDBFI9yioGiaGUAZbMmTgDIBPr6VZ3/AIgtm1K2ul6pRILiKRujLwWaFox+H1xJ9qss1nNU8C+xn5j+igs9diVdVBWXNxLI0P6mXzq1rFGCPLx5lI59q7WtwLaaxllDhEhlRyqM5VmjiwCFBI/CftXZtbjyQFmbaSpKQyuu5TggMqkcHiuQ8S2/nP63CHEh6MuEIGSJDt8hwc8+lChFJrJPkslKL2nK18TA2l9BKkwZ3ufh/wBVIepHLuaMjC8csRg+1Z0m8hFnbWd6zwSWrQvnYxSToMGUqwBGDjkdxUmHXoGxguFbO12R1jbAJO2QjaeAT39K0XxDEU6gWYxd+ssMhix33BwuCvz7UhnZhp4OOZS5Imv3Zupmu1jkESG2RMqwd1juOrM4jxuAHGPU4P52c+pJdXvViDlFtwhZkdBuMpbA3AZ4ri2vwc7S7gAEtFHJIgBG4EugIHHNYi1+Btpy6q34XeORI243cSMAp4Ge9XqxuM+vrUasReTezvo7aS6huNyw3IDJMqlgGMfSkRtoO0gKpBPfJ9qqdcuo5dPt7Ky6skkEkOwyRPGri3O7duK4AO3v86sl8QRFOqFnMXfrCGQxY/vB9uCv+LtW7a7D+yXkGAxaKOSRQGGQSyAgcc0xwi3nJzo3WRio7SW3iKya4jvWeZJI4ZIjbmF+p52RjwByQUxxkHNVPhzUTbyXjXkbxxXrdVSFL9Mlem0cu3O1toQ57ZyPTmVaa9DLs29Ta+NjmKRY2yMja5XacjtzVnQqk/YS1U0+UeX8R3SPZ2tladSZLZoHlnMbKNkDLgKCPM7Yzhc4APyr0s/iCwe6jut05eOOSJVEEuMSsjMcbM5/Vj7mt6Zo8C+yPzH9EHSmLmaYoydWZ5ArcMF4VSR6EhQcfOp9YpmqTra6OzotfCaUJcMzSlKUdQUpSgDFKUreeGFKUoAUpSgBSlKAOfh43A02Y2uDN1rnpg4xn4h/fjtmo36NkaQ6ks4JdrnbKG28kwRhhhDjGK76JZSz6ZPFC+yRprgK+WXB+IY/iXkdu4qm0Ey2lrrJAAmictkO8gLrbRuG3v5j3HesL7Z2Y9I5eM9G+H03TbOTzBbu3gb/ABIWdDn6qf317WS+kGpx24bEXwrybOMbxKqg/kMj868z+k7UFks7C6QEp8VbT8cnYoaRu3soP2r03whe+S9VkMHwrJvDDGTIrgg9tu0Hn5VBY814LtVhXWY0GFW4l2gdgDArYA9BzULxRCsmkaVG4yry2KMD2KttDA/IgkVL8CXqXD6oiEZuJWmhycb4nj6SyL7ruQ/TI96jeN2+FsdNt5MGWGS2lkRTkiO12mZ/90e/zoB8dl94i8SSWeoRIUnkgNuzMsELSkSGQBCwQEjhWA/Oqn9F5WQ6p0kZFa4OxHUoy7ogdpQ8ryTxXqHhkN/FcpIvw7W5jPmHmkMgaLHvwX7GqPwYSJ9ZPr8Sfv0FoA3utPe106wt5Mb43t0bacjKqQcH1FSKgRTNJpWmu7MzMbYszEliShyST3NT600dM5+s/pClKU4yClKUAhWaxSkzqzyjraT5Jw/WfRmlYFKztYPQQtjNZTFKUrceJFKUoAUpSgBSlKCUVFz4YspXLyWsLM3LMyAkn3Jp/srY5B+Fh8v4fIvH0pSsU3yeu0tUVUuDta6BaRSdWO3iSTnzqgDc9+a5t4ZsznNvHgncVx5Sc5yU/DnPypSqmjZH6JV9pcE4USxI+zlMjlfTykcr+Va2WkwQFmiiVS34mAyzAdgzHkj5VmlXr/oya6K8MmQ38LWR4NtERknBXK5PchewPJ7CuNz4WtGKAWkO1QAPInHnBbH0UfvpStTimeWVkk+zW08PwwyLNHbRLIFPKomQcNjzbu5yvp6Va5l7c9iM+XjyKAccZO7caUqNiLO6T7Neu67d2SWIwoAH/ec7sE/s4HfjB55raEy/tZI3D0UEgK2f2j3JX27UpQokux8cGmZ8fPZ7L+Pao4O73DHtWbgSYZRu27WAPlyfwbeSfk3t3pSp2Ir5WbzNKSwXIBJ83l7My4CjngKG5PvW0pfI2g4AI7r5jvTBP/pDfelKNpHkZzPVJbOcb0IwFHAZif2jxgqPTt2pSlCgi/nn6Z//2Q==

And what can I say We learn from our mistakes On another day, I’ll go about it another way

I am a huge reader. I read book, magazines, websites. I am in a book club that started out reading stories but now it is self help type books for expanding yourself in one way or another. I read into what in my life stage at that moment, usually online.

One of my guilty pleasures is sites like puker mob. It is full of short little articles pertaining to whatever is happening in the authors lives. Life is long but goes really fast. I started this journey with stabs to man who let me walk away. There was ever stage in the middle. Now I am looking at ones about blended families. It is like looking at the stages of my acceptance to what is.

In the one that stuck out the most it was about being respectful to the wife of your ex-husband. It started with the wife texting the ex-wife to make sure some birthday party plans would work with her schedule too.  How they have a nice partnership the group of them even though they would never be the sharing holidays and taking a group family photo type. And how that was okay. That is my ultimate goal in the future.

What stuck out the most to me was how the author was shocked by the fact that they had gotten that far as the beginning was not that promising. It said how the ex saw her as an insecure girl and the now-wife saw her as a bitter ex. She said how after a while she realized they were both right. The ex was bitter because you don’t plan to see someone else taking the place you thought you would have forever. How you want it to be you on some level because it was the life that you had planned. The now-wife was insecure because of all the things that you did share with the person they are with. In my case it is ten years of everything in life. Our entire twenties. I am in almost all stories as he is in mine. We have two kids and all that that comes with. We share insurances and a car. Our lives are so entwined it is like dealing with a business at this point. You formally work with your business partner and go off to your own personal lives. She is his personal life. We also share two kids and that is a link that will never change. I am his first wife. So anything in any partners life I have already been there with him. I was the frontier woman she is just walking a beaten down path. I am a bit bitter because I did beat down that path. Those things she is enjoying are things I had to work for. They will come easier to whatever her he marries. It is only intensified in my case with whomever I find later because he was my first serious relationship and a lot of other things.  Our lives and those of whomever we settle down with will be connected to the ex forever. The kids that look like half of him and me. Literally J is his face and my hair color, L is my face and his hair color.

Things will be simplified when things are official. Neither of us in a huge hurry to do that though. We both have an issue with permanence. I do not want more kids but won’t get fixed because then I will. I do not want to be with him but have a hard time putting that permanence of {ex} before wife and husband…divorce over marriage. I just never thought I would have to deal with it.  It doesn’t help I am a “displaced homemaker” which sounds like a contagious disease. At least I can say married for now. I am a wife, I have a husband even if I am a single mom. A divorced “displaced home maker” sounds like a death sentence phrase even though it is the start of a wonderful beginning.

I am excited to see what comes next. Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The rain is sprinkling outside my door And wondering when it will begin to pour Like my life, when it rains it pours

Today I found myself really wishing for a male person just to talk to. So this is my blog on the two answers to those prayers.

Well in my first encounter included my choice to wear hot really tight boots. I was walking around the campus all day and my feet were killing me. When I arrived to my last class I saw space between two people on the bench outside. Usually I am not very comfortable with the being close to people so I weighed my choices carefully, my feet won. So I start talking to the guy next to me whom looks younger than me. Turns out he was 31. The whole conversation started with him making a comment about not biting and me saying sometimes it could be fun sometimes. I do have quick wit, it is just mostly sexual. The conversation flows. He is ex-military and had lots of traveling stories. It was so nice he seemed so together compared to what I left. Like he had crazy stories but was done with it all. Now it may be all lines or saying what I want to hear because I started off with a very sexual comment. It was still really nice to have a just meeting you conversation with a guy. To just sit there and have an organic conversation. To have him be focused on me. Which leads to the next conversation…which is a lot more complicated.

Well I let my girls talk to their Dad on speaker phone when he is off work on his way to his house (it still seems odd to not call it home). I am very picky on this time table as I do not want to share my girls with his rebound, or welcome her into their lives. It should be separated for him at this point. One day it will be a different story but for now it is too soon for the girls. One step at a time you know. Usually during these conversations I do stuff on my laptop in the room. I try to not comment on much and just let them be. Well this time the internet was whacked out and so the shows the girls were watching were doing the same. So he started asking questions about what was going on. I should add he was my go to tech guy. So he gave me a suggestion and it worked. We had talked about it so long my oldest was saying “mommy is it supposed to be our time to talk to daddy can it be my turn yet?”. The girls were still on speaker phone so it wasn’t a big conversation but it was a big thing for us. Then I took the phone for the end of the conversation which is usually is uhh talk to you later. Instead it went to his work.  Normal conversations for a normal pair of people who are even just friends catching up. We are anything but normal. And as for the fact that we shared ten years together and two kids it is a lot of you were there, remember when. You could tell he was used to backing up and filling in information by his language…he always added oh wait you remember. It may gone longer but he added something about his vapor cigarette thing. It was an off handed I hit it with something type thing. So when I ask if he was back at using that he said yeah I woke up one day and stopped. I was hoping for before the girl friend. No such luck. He woke up one day and decided to stop a month or so ago. About the time she came into the picture. He said it was unhealthy and he stopped all sorts of in healthy behaviors he had to stop doing. This isn’t the first time he has quit smoking for a new girl. I asked or suggested and he tried but he always went back shortly, or had a different way to quit like oh I will just smoke lights. He couldn’t stop drinking for us either. Any thing he did was to get us back in the house and when it failed he cut me out. What could I say though however.. well I found something. I asked why I was never good enough to do it for. He back peddled and well the conversation got weird. It was even weird when I said that I was happy for him or proud, not sure what I said there was a line of things I wanted to say instead. He mumbled thanks uncomfortably but hopefully it was because he may have realized that I was right. I am not a victim, I am actually very happy presently. But there were many times in our relationship he couldn’t or wouldn’t do something for me he had done for another girl. It gets you down after a while. It is like a new slap to the face or an old slap all over again. So I dropped into the subject of cell phone data, how we need to work together because we are stuck with each other. It was a nice normal thing until there was one innocent comment. That is how it goes with us. Organically it does not flow. Well it does until a point and then it halts. Another piece of information comes to light. Another new piece.

The big contrast between the two conversations was new information and history. While the old can be nice there isn’t any back ground to share because it is known. There is no this is a thing that keeps popping up because they know. I miss that. It is like the last ten years were shared with him and no one else knows this stuff. Even talking to that guy I probably mentioned him a lot but he was the last ten years. This is all new, and stories of hanging out with my parents don’t seem like a good pick up line either. The thing with that is not all old stories are good, some are even hurtful. The new conversation there wasn’t any hurt in it, It was just a conversation with a guy I didn’t catch his name. I could not talk to him again and be okay. I wouldn’t mind talking to him again but I am not looking to date. All I asked for was a conversation with a guy and I got two. One day it will be a guy pursuing me and I will be well, not married. Even though he chooses to have an affair, I  choose to honor the vows while they are there. I know it is over as far as I can tell. I do not feel safe around him anymore. I would love to be friends again, but nothing more. Right now there is too much emotional crap to try. Right now I want a friend that is a guy. I want to feel comfortable with someone again. I just want to get out of my marriage the right way not jumping into something new. I already have the label “displaced homemaker” and “separated” to show that isn’t the life I had planned. I am not in a hurry to add divorcee and ex-wife to the mix. I am also not ready for the permanence of divorce. That may seem silly considering I do not want to be with him and I do not feel safe with him anymore but it is the truth. I can do me while legally still married, it actually helps me out a lot financially. I just need to quite over analyzing everything. If there is truths they will be revealed.

So I pick the new.  Even if it means more than one conversation. I would rather the not knowing then the knowing more than I ever care to know. I know my separated husband (baby steps) too well. I am letting go, at least for now.