This post is going to be real raw and emotional, because that is just who I am today.
Watching a show with proposals. They are all do I make you happy and such. It got me thinking that what would I do if mine proposed at this second. I honestly do not know. When he did I never thought twice. In fact I thought he was going to due to my roommates make over and his making everything special. We went to dinner and he said something about going home. I was so mad. Then he compromised by taking me to the water front. To a gazebo ( I love those) and never got on a knee but sat down. I do not know why I am saying that. It probably matches my mood. I still did not hesitate. We were so happy.
Things fell apart after we had our first child but we stayed together and parented like roommates and bit of benefits. Eventually we got there again. We were happy. Sitting on our couch he says plan a wedding (this is two years later) and I did. It was planned for about four months later. We got married the last day of the month but the first day of the month we went to my friends wedding. After the wedding he took me to a beach, the first time he took me to it it was his spot he did not take anyone. He got down on one knee ( I think) and appologized for not asking but telling me that way. He said a million sweet things and asked me again. Luckily I said yes because our wedding was in 30 days.
Why the walk down memory lane? Is it for me or you?
I am in love with him. I am not happy, but I may just be very scared and uncertain. I do not do so well in this season. I can handle one or two things up in the air but right now EVERYTHING is up in the air and a pandemic. I have such bad insomnia that I am up at 1:33 AM and its normal. I am not okay. I cannot show it though. Greys Anatomy had a character who is taking care of her sisters kids while she was in a covid coma. She also had one of her own, a baby. Her boyfriends parents took the kids for the day and he is thinking about sex. She sat on the stairs and cried saying its the first time she can do so without worrying about tramatizing anyone (little humans). This whole year I have been home with the kids trying to be all calm. As it seems pieces keep falling apart. Maybe it is into place. It probably is but I am so tired. If I show too much worry, my oldest witll try to fix it and my youngest will become overly emotional. Their Dad is too busy dealing with his stuff to notice much for the day to day. I am a human island. I am not alone but I am a human island. I just want to ….
I would not if I could. It is just not me.
In our early days I would be calm and calm until …I yelled. Not in the arguing angry way. Just like an explosion of everything I held in. Only to him. He did not get mad either. It was like he had the sixth sense that he knew I needed to clear it all out. There were also other ways to get the aggression out that were good. I was always calm. Since he started drinking I could not air any grievance. He would take it out on drink. Then we were seperated and I had the kids. If I made it seem like it was not okay it would add more to their plates, and they had enough. I went to school and made a life. It was good. Then he came back. It was good I had those things again. Then he started drinking again. Then a pandemic started. Then he got clean and did the after rehab short term personality change. Then he came around again. Then I honestly do not even know. I have lost count. Now I am unemployed. Now he is going to court. And now past factors that went into my worries non alcohol related from when we did live together are coming up.
This time I have boundaries. The pattern is those factors stress him out (they take all the time from us or the kids, those MUST be first) and he looks for validation or a place to complain when he is trying to play superman. I am supposed to blow the wind to help him fly, but he crashes. So, when he sent a text (no phone calls little ears everywhere) complaining about not being able to sleep or take care of his health for this factor I kind of sent a text back that had no wind. It was a rock. He may lack the boundary issues but I grew them over the last few years. I can choose to not listen. I can watch him crash. Maybe it is good he has a court date. That is the hard crash.
I guess going back to my original would I say yes if he proposed. It would not be no. It would be we need to work more here. I need to see more. I cannot step from where we are and who I have become into our old marriage. It will not end up well. I have grown.
Hopefully all this is his growing pains. I need more, I diserve more. Our family needs to grow not stay in the same early twenties mind frame.
Good news. I woke up today very down and worried about money and everything. I did my bible study and it was about God giving your daily bread. It showed a verse that was amazing. It was calming. God is listening.
Jimmy Eat World
The Middle
This song got me through a whole lot when I was a teenager. It put into perspective that it was the middle, not the end. I was attracted to it because my brother one time called me little girl. ONCE. Never underestimate the impact you can have on a person.
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
When you’re away
It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own (On your own)
So don’t buy in
Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough (Good enough)
For someone else
It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all righ
tIt just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Whoo
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out (Feel left out)
Or looked down on
Just do your best (Just do your best)
Do everything you can (Do everything you can)
And don’t you worry what their bitter hearts (Bitter hearts)
Are gonna say
It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right
MsMollyC 