I am reaching the last legs of my divorce settlement. The first phase for me was the shock and denial, then came the the enlightened girl power. This phase is not fun it is the nostalgic, second guessing phase. Are we really doing the right thing? And if I have to reread the phrase irreconcilable differences again this week I will scream! My belief system of not divorcing is poking at me. When I know that there is nothing much that can be different. We may have had chances before but now to work it out but after all the pieces have fallen the way they have it is too late. If there is anything that could be done it is in Gods hands.
That sounds totally cliche but I am going on without a plan for where I will be. I just know that I tried to do this once. I decided who was the one for me, I decided we were meant to be no matter what. I forced it to be the plan, because God wants marriages to stay together so if I get married he will bless our union. He has to. It doesn’t matter what he thought before. Yeah, kids don’t try to force Gods plans.
My almost ex-husband and I have been talking about what went wrong and general feelings. How things are totally different. He said something about how he will never have the same relationship as before. Ours was different from his ones before and from the one he is in now. How he does not think any one will be that ‘special’ (I inserted that word to try to lighten the mood) again. In a sense that was it for him in the deep romance department. It got lost with our relationship. There is also comments about if we had had kids later and such..maybe if..maybe if…
I am in a different boat. I know what was there. I know what it still lingering. I also know there was a reason I left. I know that things are broken, not that they could not be fixed before. I know why. I am not a teenage girl with stars in her eyes. It just sucks to see the things that should have happened before this point to make it work. To see the guy that I fell in love with come back in a shell of a guy who seems so lost and hopeless. To hear even now that that part of him I saw before is only around with me, when he goes back to his new reality it is not there. It makes me want to crawl back about four years and yell at us both to watch out. To avoid…well this.
Instead I look at the future. I hope for a love that makes me realize that I can love more deeply than I thought I could now. One that makes me be glad that I found him at that time. That he was the missing piece of the puzzle. That I have a guy who was my husband but is my great friend, and the guy that is the love of my life. That I am blessed enough to have them both. That I have two great guys in my corner instead of the world
I saw in my twenties. Or God can come in and change everything.
He let me have my way once. He let us mess it all up. Now I am going to trust him to help me rebuild it.
But oh man right now I am looking back real good at the Good ol’ Days! I miss them, they were pretty awesome. They were my twenties. They brought a love, a marriage and two beautiful children. They held my youth, they were my stupid growing up mistakes. They were what I look back in with a smile, or sometimes want to cry. They are gone now. My twenties formed the me of my thirties. I lost the ideals, but the memories and feelings are still there. Now I need to grow up to my thirties and apply the lessons I have learned.
So I will end here in my head again. I will enjoy not having to worry about homework as I finally finished the quarter. I am going to get a glass of wine, kick my feet up and relax.
I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days
I was thinking about the band
I was thinking about the fans
We were underground
Loaded merch in that 12-passenger van
In a small club in Minnesota
And the snow outside of 1st Ave
I just wanted my name in a star
Now look at where we at
Still growing up, still growing up
I’d be laying in my bed and dream about what I’d become
Couldn’t wait to get older, couldn’t wait to be someone
Now that I’m here, wishing I was still young
Those good old days
I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days
Wish I didn’t think I had the answers
Wish I didn’t drink all of that glass first
Wish I made it to homecoming
Got up the courage to ask her
Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell
Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf
Wish I wouldn’t have worry about what other people thought
And felt comfortable in myself
Rooftop open and the stars above
Moment frozen, sneaking out, and falling in love
Me, you and that futon, we’d just begun
On the grass, dreaming, figuring out who I was
Those good old days
I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days
Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe we always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missing what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinking about the past
While missing out on now
We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud
And I ain’t worried about the wrinkles around my smile
I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around
I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now
Those good old days
You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone
You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone
I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days