I’m way too good at goodbyes…

An ode to a almost was…but was not meant to be.

April 12, 2021

Another old post probably from about 2018. Clearing out the skeltons in my closet.

I lost my rebound. I should probably be more sad but I am not. I am kind of dissappointed that I am losing my entertainment at night (texting you dirty minded people). I still have to give him credit he came out and told me straight out, and he still waited longer than the man I gave ten years to. I cannot say that I have any regrets, besided the double edged sword of not letting him kiss me because of a legality. Though I would have regretted letting him kiss me too. At least this way I had the eye gaze magic scene without it being possibly spoiled.

I found through this that I am way too good at goodbyes but I am also way too good at commitment, even without the actual words of it. When I get the butterflies and the good words. The I am not going anywhere right now helped too. I am just that person who wants forever. I want it just as much as I want to have fun and flirt. Ironic aye?

 

I am beautiful irony. It makes me pretty easy to please, and easy to fall for. Though not enough to stick around. The first time around I chased more, I made myself super devoted and available. I made my world all about the guy I was with. This time I want to be chased, I want a man who will fight for me and my kids. Who think we are the best things that will ever happen to him.

Oh well, one day my prince will come. With a white horse and all that cliche crap. Until then I hope he learned many interesting lessons. I hope he knows he did so many things right, that it was mainly about timing. There was a bit more. I am leaving it with good things. He reminded me how to be fun again, and what it is like to be my own person. That I am not someones Mom or someones “old lady”. He made me feel young and adult. He was just what I needed at that moment.

 

You must think that I’m stupid
You must think that I’m a fool
You must think that I’m new to this
But I have seen this all before

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless
I know you’re thinking I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way to good at goodbyes
(I’m way to good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No way that you’ll see me cry
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

No
No, no, no, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No, no, no, no
No, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes

“It might not be the right time I might not be the right one But there’s something about us I want to say Cause there’s something between us anyway”

This week something happened that I never expected. I almost got another first kiss. It did not happen because I moved…yeah I know…typical. It is more complicated than that because ten years ago I thought I got my last first kiss. I thought I was with the only guy who could ever give me such huge butterflies. Well, if this is the first post your reading…you will notice the first line. That guy no longer gives me anything but usually indigestion. That is not totally fair, but I am not in love with him any more. This guy came out of no where at the worst time. I am still legally married but very seperated. Happily so. The fact that I would not check the single or divorced box yet is the problem here. The timing is all out of wack. This guy has been amazingly patient and understanding with the whole my life is a soap opera thing. He is cool with being a secret and playing by my rules. More unexpectedly, he gives me the butterflies. He tried to kiss me and for the first time since I met my kids dad he was not on my mind. It was movie scene perfect…

s

We are here…it was out of the movies. Skin tingling…zoo in my stomach…

And I had to shut it down…because our timing is off. In our progress we are here, but in real life I have a real legal thing. I see this legal thing every week. We share children. And our relations started with a rebound and cheating. I was his mistress at some point and other times he had one. There was an emotional affair. Five miutes after he gave up on us he moved another girl into our house. It is a hot mess. We started out bad and it never really stayed unbad. There was always the bad karma waiting in the wings. I do not want to do that again.

While this maybe not something that is exactly fix the marriage quality. We are in the lets make a settlement process, so that is not happening…

I gave up on finding the butterflies. I thought that it would be years before I found them. Not now. If this was ten years ago or a year from now it would be so much different. I would have kissed him and it would have been…

Yeah that is what I felt…it was amazing. It could have been so much more amazing had it been able to happen.

How can something so wonderful feeling come at such a bad time. I want to ignore the bad timing and go with my desires…but I did that once. The bad karma follows you, you can never recover after a few hits. The waiting just may drive me insane. There is still so much to be done to become “single” again. My heart, my life feels single. It is a box to check, a lawyer to contact. A settlement to make.  It is not in anyway anything but a business transaction. So, to feel butterflies. To have what I have not felt since my kids dad. It makes me want to run away from it all. To ignore my “business relationship” and my moral code. To jump off that cliff head first. In that moment I was not in this “business relationship”, but a girl with a guy who for one who claims to not know…who claims to be very single…does everything right!

I feel like I am floating.

No matter what happens it s very nice to feel them again. It nice to have hope and to be excited for the future…I just have to stay on my path of being faithful to this “business relationship” until I can officially mark the box the makes me “divorced” which is as single as I will ever be again because I will never be “single” again. I will always be “divorced” until the day I am “married” again. I never thought I would look forward to checking that box. It makes me downright giddy now..

I am going to float away on my butterflies now…into the dream world where I can act on them.

Life goals..this is my future the guy that wants this..because there will not be many firsts but there can be a lot of lasts.

 

 

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there’s something about us I want to say
Cause there’s something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there’s something about us I’ve got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life

“Looking forward, looking back I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go”

My Uncle and Aunt came for a visit a few weeks ago. This is an odd occcurance as they live quite a few states away, and I cannot recall them coming here before. Usually we would meet somewhere in the middle family reunion style. Their son was looking at a University near by  as he is so successful they are courting him. He just happens to be uber successful in his line of work. He is currently on vacation with his wife in Hawaii…

As you know growing up in a family back stories come out when you get older or when they go through something simliar. My Uncle, I found out during my separation, was an alcoholic. His wife did the ultimatum of the booze or me. He choose her. It has not been easy but they made it. Keep in mind I am paraphrasing third party information. I have seen them though. They by all outward appearances have made it through. Their kids are both amazingly grounded and successful. The son they had here got four crazy kids to meditiate for over an hour!

I take all this in now that we are in settlement process of our divorce. My family is broken. Neither of us want to be with eachother, but we may always be the one that you look back on and wonder. It is odd doing drop offs when it is all so weird.

It is accurate to say our levels of friendship had a….passionate…tone. It had a hint of promise of what could be. A bit of ride or die..Well the ride just got real awkward.

So yeah. There I done went and awkwarded this too.

Back on point now. There is also the case of my Grandparents.

When I was an awkward teenager my grandmother called while she was intoxicated and said I reminded her of herself. This because of some…complicated family things…struck a bad cord to me. I do not think I ever got over it until she had passed away. This fueled my teenage mind to avoid alcohol, and that among other things still holds true. I did not make good relationship choices. That was not alcohol though!

In the same theme of family secrets I found things that lead to my grandparents divorce. It was a good thing. The only bad thing was that it did not happen sooner for their kids. I married a man like my grandfather. This has a good and bad side. That person that I heard stories about was changed by the time I met him. He was amazing. He left an amazing imprint on me. I did end up like my grandmother though, just in a very different time, in a very different way. The good point for me is that my grandparents always loved eachother. My grandmother and her long-term boyfriend bought my gramdfathers old house when he moved from his neighboring town into ours. He grieved her when she died. That is not to say they did not live very different lives. I cannot recall them ever living in the same city again, they spent many years in different states.

Why walk down these old paths? I faced a similiar situation and picked one of them. It does not mean that I do not look on my version of what the other side would be like. I took my path though. I am honestly looking forward to onward and upward (see the post that will come in five day written a month or more ago). When I see someone who “made it” it still makes me a bit sad. I just need to keep looking forward.

“Looking Forward Looking Back”

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I’ve seen
All the love we’ve had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we’ll be fine, unlike some
I’ll be leaning forward, to see what’s coming

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I’m alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I’m okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know
Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh I have a lot to say….Cause everything inside, it never comes out right

This week my social life has blown up. This should make me happy. This was everything I had asked for, everything I wanted. I could not handle what happened with my life I ran. I ran as fast and as far as possible. I ran into a new life and have successfully transitioned to the point where I am not wanting to go back to my old life. My old life is dead. I helped kill it. Who took the final blow is up in the air. I am sure different people would say different things. The truth is we both did it. It has been a year now and that changes everything, it changes who we are as people now.

I would not fit into my old life. All the things that made us fit are not there. The trust is destroyed. But still as my social life is exploding I find myself thinking back to before I was just his “old lady”. I go back in time before ten years, a marriage and two kids. When I was just a girl. I really enjoyed it before I learned what a secure life felt like, stability.

Going back ten years I hurt a lot of poeple. Most of the guys I dated were just play toys for one purpose or another. Never the one they wanted though. It was companionship, boredom or just wanting to pretend someone is there for me (even if the moment is temporary). Like a junkie looking for a fix. There were very little emotions and at times none. I had to turn a switch in my head to not care before that.

I have switched it again. Now I am here again. With a trail of hurt behind me and in me. This time I did not come out unscathed. This time I see what happened in a very personal way. I see the way we both pressed self destruct, then the come back button until there was a bit too much destruction to heal.

I use people. I use people or my own whatever or simply because I hate letting poeple down. Either way I find that people get attached…the more they do the more I run away. I cannot handle how they deal with it all.

My high school ex boyfriend for example. I dated him because everyone else on our soccer team was paired up and I was bored. He was fun. I enjoyed our time but I could not be myself. I would ask if I did this would you still like me and he said no…but oops I did that the week before. I told him not to fall for me. He did. The timing sucked for his personal life bit it scared me because I did not want to hurt him, but I did. So I ran. I hurt not only him but his family. So I did the only reasonable thing, I shut that off and moved on. The same thing I am doing now. It is still  there though..it is radiating around and around. I see it now in my kids faces when they ask for their Dad. When the oldest talks about doing a family costume next year, the four of us. When she draws family pictures, of the four of us. I can’t just walk away. They pull me back. When I see other guys and think about what I left, for the crazy world of not knowing. For the risks of dating as a single mom. For my kids getting hurt when a parental romantic relationship breaks up, or worse for them does not. When my oldest wants to talk about our family and now there are two other people around instead. This is complicated. It seems like it would have been easier to stay.

Maybe it is fear of what is ahead..maybe it is genuine regret. Right now I have to decide whether I close off or keep moving while feeling. Right now completed closed off sounds nice, but I get weekly reminds of my past. It will always be here because there are two beautiful babies. There will always be the glimps of what was, and what can never be. Possibly what should or should not have been. The what ifs will get you every time.

Maybe this is spot on, or really wrong. Now I will close with the lyrics of Sorry by  Buckcherry with a few edited things…

Sorry

Buckcherry

Oh I have a lot to say
I was thinking on my time away
I miss you and things (aren’t) the same
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry (we’re) bad
I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you make(made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

This time, I think I’m(more) to blame
It’s (too easy) to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

Every single day
I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you(we) cried
It (is) too late to make it right
Oh yeah, sorry!
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know (we) can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry
I’m sorry baby
I’m sorry baby
Yeah, I’m sorry.

https://youtu.be/YlDz-hRlLBQ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Your mistakes make you who are, you learn and grow”

I am officially in the middle of a soul search. I met the man of my dreams when I was 19 years old. We spent our twenties together. We got married, had a couple kids. Happily ever after???

I have resolved myself to this fact, in fact I am more than okay with it. I got to the point where I totally understand when my old high school friend said “My divorce is final next month!”, I answered with congratulations! There was no oh, so sorry. There gets to be a point where you want to move on with your life.

Then comes my moral conundrum. I believe in soul mates. Eyes meeting, linked forever kind of love. I thought I found it at 19. Now that is over. I will always love the man in a first love kind of way, father of my children, the man formally by best friend. I am not in love with him. I do not feel like we were meant to be together for ever…the fairy tale has ended…

In the words of Meredith Grey “You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill… You’d lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming. They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely ’cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they’ll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happy ever after, just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away.”

I am now left with three choices…

1. I met the wrong man and thought he was my soul mate.
2. He is my soul mate and I am letting that all go with no fight.
3. There may be no such thing, or more than one soul mate.

Any choice that I make I have to give up a belief I have held dear my whole life. Not in the fairy tale, but that in my lonliest of nights the man I was meant to be with was looking at the same moon. That there is only one person out there for you, except for the cases of ’til death do us part’. If that is the case I am leaving him behind without anything but the death of a marriage. That is not exactly what the vows mean.

It feels like I lose no matter what the truth is. At this point I am not sure of I care, but I do care. What happens when everything you believe falls apart. I am positive the next things will be amazing, but what about what is behind me? The past will always catch up to you. I find someone, live happily ever after, then he pops back up and all the old “soul mate” feelings show up too! I do not want to be the couple that stays connected past all reason. I just want it be redefined. Our lives being seperate with the kids happily in each world. Us all being able to work together for the good of the kids, with no personal things coming in the way of that.

I still feel like I am giving away apart of me that I never thought I would have to. This is tragic. I guess this is growing up ay? Well, onto pondering this over. Who knows which choice I will find, or what the outcome will be. Life is a fun journey that way. I am going to sit here and enjoy the ride.

Reader

 

Title based off  an All the Shelters song “Halfway of our live’s path”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time Cuz I’m just waiting, I’m just waiting, I’m just passing time

In may I was all rush rush to register for my summer classes. Then I was all lets pass those classes! Well, done! Then I was thinking one week to the next classes great! Well dagnabbit I find out there is a three week break between the quarters… I suck at waiting. I suck at waiting for answers, for the next steps, for anything. I want to see results. This serves me well in cases like the math class I finished early because I wanted to be done! Then I have date to start the classes and I get an email from one of my four classes saying it is open a few days early! Oh snap that is my jam!

Now I still have to wait three days! Three days may not seem like long but I feel like the sands of time are draining too fast. I feel like I need to act now to get into tomorrow. And I can work at my own pace so I can finish when I finish. I love being in control of my own studies. I want to beat the schedule. Pound the pavement. It makes me an awesome worker, I become more sufficient in less time and do the work of many people because I cannot stand to sit still. This is something I had forgotten when I got caught up in Mommy mode and not work mode it threw of my mojo. When I started school I went back into my crazy work mode. It is crazy what you forget about yourself. It is crazy what gets lost when you are wife and Mommy only. I feel excited for every new step and I cannot stand not going my pace…

Yeah that level of insanity. That is my mind. This not only applies to my school or work life but also my personal life. I am in a transition stage that most people do not take this time like I am. From what I see many people say well we are separated and living separate lives so lets move forward. The idea of legal technicalities do not matter. For me they do. Legal and spiritual things. So I am like a really really bad nun. Like no someone forced into it. I just got stuck here. I do not see us agreeing on anything anytime soon so…

I feel like I playing the waiting drum for so many pots to fully come to boil. There is a reason for this waiting. It is driving me insane though! I am waiting for the day I can go around my own town without the looks. For when I can shop at a certain store and be the normal customer who no one asks how I am like I will snap. I am waiting for when I can go out for coffee with a guy or talk to him without feeling like a I defiling my marriage that is only on paper. I want to feel like a normal person again. Not mom mode to robot in life mode. I want to be hugged by a guy and get butterflies. I want my family to be whole even if it is not in the way I imagined. I want the day where we say hey we are family and will be there for each other no matter what life circumstances are happening. We have each others backs.

Yeah like that. I want us to be that no matter what because we got two little cubs who we both need to be there for. This is how it should be. This is how it should have been so maybe we wouldn’t have ended up here. But here we are so lets do this crap! Lets move on and get this right for the little cubs now.

Okay I wanted a little rougher around the edges meme but admit it they are really cute. This is me in a nut shell.  You may not see how it applies to some people but it does. Just because I am not front and center doesn’t mean I am not cheering a whole lot louder then anyone else. You call me at 3 am and I am there. This is my time to be own ride or die. And I am on hold for so many things. You can’t rush some things. So here I am…

And here a few for the road that humored me or something else…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

I realize how much I linger in the past. It is just so odd to me that some people in my life can act like it never happened. Ridiculous. However this is not about them.

I am in a break from school which I rocked! Although, unlike most people I do not wear it as a badge of honor it is how I feel I should do. 3.96 gpa. I know this can open money doors, and I do not have time to mess around. I need to push myself because I have two kids that depend on me and we need to get on our feet. We need to get on our own and get to our new normal. I am so ready for my next phase of life.

I was talking to my oldest about future dreams. The type of house I want, what type of location, pets. All of it. The only part we leave out is the “boy” as we call the future mate. We dream of the future, or I do, because I want them to have hope. She is still hoping for the boy to be her daddy. I get it, he was hoping for his parents to get back together in adulthood. I cannot even think that far into to future. I am still hitched to a man that we have stuff to figure out before I imagine adding any other guys stuff. I have my moments when I yearn for the actual marriage things…I loved the life. I totally miss that. I miss what we had. I do not think of him in that way much. The thing that makes it so you can feel that person is gone for me, I cannot sense him like before. That has to be improvement. I am my own person in a way I have not been in a really long time. I am finding the person I feel like I have lost. I am stronger then I have been in a long time. I am more focused. I feel like I have it together more. I am more confident. It is really weird though, he left me with high confidence in my prowess. Funny how that works out. It is something he can’t take now. It is a good thing to keep from a marriage. I am a strong woman leader for my kids. I am keeping myself together. I am here for my kids I can be there no matter what. I can do all this because I have a God who is behind me and beside me through it all. He has answered prayers I did not know I had. He has paved paths I did not think were possible. 

I find my self realizing that I grew up fast in a few short months. I am walking my own path and I am excited to see where it goes. I do not need to know what the end looks like because I know that God has already set up the “house”. I just need to keep taking one step at a time. Currently I am waiting for the next step of school which has had a break for a few weeks and that is too long for my taste. I am going a bit stir crazy at the moment knowing I have school left and not being able to keep going.  I am realizing, or trying to that the below is truth….

I have come a long way and in my pursuit of all things sisterhood of the traveling pants this is where I land on my relationship…does this count as such? I do not know. All I know is that I married my best friend and now he is a stranger. I am sure the answer would depend on the person. I am not sure it matters until the papers are signed and the waiting period is over. The only complication is the two little girls. This is not about them either though. This is where I am…even though time has passed more in my heart than by the calendar time..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And life’s full of flaws Who knows the cause? Living in the memory of a love that never was

There are scars underneath the surface that we do not realize are there, or we do not think are as bad as they are. You go along your way and then something happens and bam.

It started talking to a guy as a friend who I will admit has my interest, but because of my vows I won’t do anything about it. Lets face it divorce is a long process. I have a long long line of being without male companionship. I start feeling guilty about talking to a guy even though it wasn’t bad and he knows my story. So in my lack of social abilities way I stutter a you know we can just be friends, I am worried I am not enough because I wasn’t enough for my husband. So why would I be enough for a guy I met three months ago? He assures me it is fine then…>poof<

Yes, I am being overly dramatic here. It was a weekend and I was busy. I was going to leave it alone but then I had a question about school and he would know the answer. So I ask it and my mind did not stop there, oh no it traveled. The power of the magical magnifying mind at its best. I ask what he had been doing. Honestly, it sounded like typical guy excuses. Whatever. I left my husband for my kids, no guy comes above that, especially now. Especially a friend. But oh the scars. I accuse him of ghosting. Halfway through it all I realize I am freaking out not because of this guy, it has nothing to do with him. It just pushed a button. I realized that my husband ghosted me and came back with my replacement. I did not think about it at all. I thought it was some high school dating thing that showed immaturity and you grow out of it. I did not think at the age of 29 it would happen with my husband of 5 years, significant other of 10 total in years. The guy I spent my twenties with. You do not associate such an immature term with something like that. It would never have crossed my mind until that innocent incident. Of course, that lead to an awkward apology and probably a thought of dodged that bullet dude.

Maybe he was a reason person in my life. To point out a scar I never would have realized. To help me heal. It has left me wondering what other scars are hiding. How will they come out? How can so much hide under the surface. It makes me glad I get the chance to heal right now. It makes me glad that I am focusing on me. It is amazing how much your body can heal itself. It is amazing how much it can handle physically and emotionally. I will say this, it is not wise to mess with a strong woman. It is not smart to poke a mama bear. It is an unwise man that does not lead with how can I improve her life, because if you improve her life it greatly enhances yours. If you satisfy her in certain areas, sex only being a small one, she will take great care of you.

I was talking to a friend. She told me how when she had problems with her boyfriend he complained about the house being a mess. The dishes and laundry being backed up, clutter etc.

When they were on better terms he came home from work the house was clean and tidy. He was shocked because it had been such a mess. She told him that that is the result of keeping your woman happy. Not to mention the sex stuff.

Many guys do not understand this. When the house or the woman is messy something is wrong. When she is put together and keeping things tidy you are doing something right. This does not include depression or other mental things. When she is fine when she is alone it is definitely you.

Even with my scars I feel better then I did before. I feel more put together. I am doing me and I am cool with that, for now. One day I want the white picket fence, or some version. For now it is about my girls and I. I want to know I can do it myself and with each day that feeling is getting stronger. I will finish out my finish out my first college quarter with about a 3.8 gpa if not higher. I am squared away for summer online classes. I am doing the best I can with my girls despite doing it alone. I did my first college quarter and a busy schedule of my oldest. Both of them are well adjusted despite it all, they show the signs of the situation but they are doing better then expected. I am doing better then I was six months ago. I did not think it was possible.

The scars will hit me though. It just shows that I have gotten past the last scar. Each scar opened means that I worked on the last. Each one is progress. I will be okay, my girls will be better for having a strong mom.

Watch the  scars people, they are the things that bring you to your knees and make you stop. This means you made it past another hurdle.

And guys, don’t ghost out. Be man and say what’s up! Seriously, you won’t end her world by leaving, you may just leave her stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your world falls apart I’d start a riot If night falls in your heart I’d light the fire In the dark, when you sound the alarm We’ll find each other’s arms For your love, all you are I’d start a riot

  Never poke a mama bear, not matter how you feel about her as a person. They will fight and claw or their cubs no matter what the cost is to them. They will put their cubs before themselves. The …

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the fourth of July ‘Cause baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em what you’re worth

This past week I started school. Lucky for me I started blogging before my typing class. Ironically my typing class and English class want me to just type and write every day. Done 😉

I have a beautiful spirited seven year old. Her life got shook upside down in one day after she left for school on day in October and ended up not living the house she left that day again. It is now Daddy’s house. She went from her own room with her stuff to sleeping on the floor. She went from seeing Daddy when he went home from work to two supervised hours a week and a couple phone calls a week. She went from Mommy and Daddy being together happily mostly (except when it wasn’t) to Daddy living with another girls and us not being together again or even in the same room ever. All in one day of leaving for school that started like most days. So to say it was a shock to ALL of us, especially her is an understatement. So if you can believe it she is having a hard time right now. This is hidden sometimes by the fact that she is so dang cheerful usually, unless she isn’t. It is easy to try to correct behaviors but there are not the issue. They are something to be reminded about but they are there for a reason. She is actually doing better then she was before I left (we doesn’t really apply as the girls were not given the choice) but not it is a different type of hard. She has lost the core of her personality, “family island” as inside out put it, and it shows.

She is lost and trying to find a new way just like we are. The only thing here is that with her Dad and I, we made our mistakes to get here. We have each contributed to the down fall of our island. It is like she blinked and hers was gone. We saw our crumbling before the fall. I have to believe a new better island will be back and better but to do that other things needs to be rebuilt. So I am treating her as age appropriately adult as possible. I am starting a journey with her to be fire works. To discover who we can be. To experience new things.

We started today with a small outing. Nothing huge just exploring. We went into a pawn shop and took pictures of what caught our eye. We were goofy and silly. The serious tone our lives started dripping with the last few years was not there. I let her take the lead a bit. I let her lead me to what drew her in. I let her take pictures of what she wanted and I even let her take a few of me. Even bigger I let her interrupt a few of mine in her silly way with mostly joy. We are going to make a photo album so she can see her growth in the chaos. We are going to bring out the good. We are going be ourselves and show what brought us a smile even for a minute. I am doing everything I am for my girls. I took my selfish months (thankfully I have my parents to pick up where I was slacking in trying to get myself straight enough to heal a bit) but now I need to help her get there too. That is how she gets her inner power. That is what will carry her through all of her future trials. Hopefully one day her island will grow and be bigger than we ever could have imagined. But it takes a lot of this:

 

I really loved this movie it actually hit me a lot as an adult. There has been so much going in me and others around me. Especially in my little family. To have it expressed with kid gloves was a super awesome way just to make it so simple and to hit you harder. It also makes it so when you hit melt down or you see others do it, you get a really fun visual of why. It gives more compassion for people that would otherwise drive you crazy. Believe me it helps with my separated husband. If you picture animatic characters melting in their own way together when you see someone going crazy. You just may laugh or want to say “oh honey”(HIMYM). Now I will share a few pictures we took, but I won’t show my big boos face 😉

 

Although my last thought for the night. While watching dancing with the stars one of the guys says about a past break up before a proposal that he was glad it hurt because that means that it was real. If it didn’t hurt I think I would be worried. I forgot how much I loved dancing with the stars 🙂 That is where I am putting my head space since I busted my booty all week to get ahead in classes, barely sleeping, because it was spring break for my oldest so two kids all week! I am going to rock this!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the fourth of July

‘Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

(Boom, boom, boom even brighter)
Than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom even brighter
Than the moon, moon, moon