For someone else It just takes some timeLittle girl, you’re in the middle of the ride Everything, everything will be just fine

This post is going to be real raw and emotional, because that is just who I am today.

Watching a show with proposals. They are all do I make you happy and such. It got me thinking that what would I do if mine proposed at this second. I honestly do not know. When he did I never thought twice. In fact I thought he was going to due to my roommates make over and his making everything special. We went to dinner and he said something about going home. I was so mad. Then he compromised by taking me to the water front. To a gazebo ( I love those) and never got on a knee but sat down. I do not know why I am saying that. It probably matches my mood. I still did not hesitate. We were so happy.

Things fell apart after we had our first child but we stayed together and parented like roommates and bit of benefits. Eventually we got there again. We were happy. Sitting on our couch he says plan a wedding (this is two years later) and I did. It was planned for about four months later. We got married the last day of the month but the first day of the month we went to my friends wedding. After the wedding he took me to a beach, the first time he took me to it it was his spot he did not take anyone. He got down on one knee ( I think) and appologized for not asking but telling me that way. He said a million sweet things and asked me again. Luckily I said yes because our wedding was in 30 days.

Why the walk down memory lane? Is it for me or you?

I am in love with him. I am not happy, but I may just be very scared and uncertain. I do not do so well in this season. I can handle one or two things up in the air but right now EVERYTHING is up in the air and a pandemic. I have such bad insomnia that I am up at 1:33 AM and its normal. I am not okay. I cannot show it though. Greys Anatomy had a character who is taking care of her sisters kids while she was in a covid coma. She also had one of her own, a baby. Her boyfriends parents took the kids for the day and he is thinking about sex. She sat on the stairs and cried saying its the first time she can do so without worrying about tramatizing anyone (little humans). This whole year I have been home with the kids trying to be all calm. As it seems pieces keep falling apart. Maybe it is into place. It probably is but I am so tired. If I show too much worry, my oldest witll try to fix it and my youngest will become overly emotional. Their Dad is too busy dealing with his stuff to notice much for the day to day. I am a human island. I am not alone but I am a human island. I just want to ….

I would not if I could. It is just not me.

In our early days I would be calm and calm until …I yelled. Not in the arguing angry way. Just like an explosion of everything I held in. Only to him. He did not get mad either. It was like he had the sixth sense that he knew I needed to clear it all out. There were also other ways to get the aggression out that were good. I was always calm. Since he started drinking I could not air any grievance. He would take it out on drink. Then we were seperated and I had the kids. If I made it seem like it was not okay it would add more to their plates, and they had enough. I went to school and made a life. It was good. Then he came back. It was good I had those things again. Then he started drinking again. Then a pandemic started. Then he got clean and did the after rehab short term personality change. Then he came around again. Then I honestly do not even know. I have lost count. Now I am unemployed. Now he is going to court. And now past factors that went into my worries non alcohol related from when we did live together are coming up.

This time I have boundaries. The pattern is those factors stress him out (they take all the time from us or the kids, those MUST be first) and he looks for validation or a place to complain when he is trying to play superman. I am supposed to blow the wind to help him fly, but he crashes. So, when he sent a text (no phone calls little ears everywhere) complaining about not being able to sleep or take care of his health for this factor I kind of sent a text back that had no wind. It was a rock. He may lack the boundary issues but I grew them over the last few years. I can choose to not listen. I can watch him crash. Maybe it is good he has a court date. That is the hard crash.

I guess going back to my original would I say yes if he proposed. It would not be no. It would be we need to work more here. I need to see more. I cannot step from where we are and who I have become into our old marriage. It will not end up well. I have grown.

Hopefully all this is his growing pains. I need more, I diserve more. Our family needs to grow not stay in the same early twenties mind frame.

Good news. I woke up today very down and worried about money and everything. I did my bible study and it was about God giving your daily bread. It showed a verse that was amazing. It was calming. God is listening.

Jimmy Eat World

The Middle

This song got me through a whole lot when I was a teenager. It put into perspective that it was the middle, not the end. I was attracted to it because my brother one time called me little girl. ONCE. Never underestimate the impact you can have on a person.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on

Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
When you’re away

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own (On your own)
So don’t buy in

Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough (Good enough)
For someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all righ

tIt just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Whoo

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out (Feel left out)
Or looked down on

Just do your best (Just do your best)
Do everything you can (Do everything you can)
And don’t you worry what their bitter hearts (Bitter hearts)
Are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go Part 2

Technical issues in part one mean a continuation:

This is complicated area. As somethings are what is happening with us and some things that are road blocks.

I did mention his drinking. While there are many things to that point. I will simply update the facts. This is usually good to do especially as it is his thing. I only get to report what it means to me. It has been a year, that is for sure. I was correct in 2020 being the year to see change. Change comes at a cost usually. In any addiction it is not only paid by the addict.

Last summer he made a mistake. A few months later he finally went to rehab. As we know mistakes do not disappear when you make a good move in serious situations. Next week is his last step in trying to make it so his past is not a current threat. He may be sent to rehab, he may be sent to jail. I am choosing to have faith that it will work out like it should. I have no control to change anything if I could. He has done many good steps to prove he is changing, but the end is up to the judge. Until we know more of anything, we are kind of in a holding place. We cannot focus on the next steps for us until it is done. I would not move any further than we are until it is resolved. I need more proof of reliability and sobriety. This may be from the past. All the stuff that got kicked up again in this storm. This may be wise caution. I just know I cannot live in a house on egg shells like I did before. The kids do not need their hopes up yet because it was heart breaking to ‘break apart’ their family when it happened. It took a lot to get to where we are now. I may be over cautious. I am okay with that. There is also money that in this rental market is a factor. We are still trying though.

That is where I am right now. A whole season of this. Last year was my year of refinement. That leads to last thing I will say.

The word of 2021 is…

Pray for me 🙂

Looking Forward Looking Back

Slim Dusty

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I’ve seen
All the love we’ve had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we’ll be fine, unlike some
I’ll be leaning forward, to see what’s coming

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I’m alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I’m okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back

I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go

Some days this feels futile, somedays it feels like an online record of my past.

Here we sit, over one year later. We have come so far, but feel no closer. I supoose that is the way it is in the human condition. It is fitting, after reading my post last written, what my update is. If I were to write every detail of the year it would be overwhelming and possible novel length. In up date style I suppose I shall go by catagory.

I had mentioned one CEO change. We had another. With each change that happened it seemed a bit different. By four different ones in year, it was a whole different world. Add many other management changes and boom, unrecognizable. I will save the drama, as honestly I am tired of talking about it, and just stick to the fact that I am unemployed. I may not agree with their why after a time in any situation you see it is not the same and futile to try to cling to how it was. When the end came I was okay with it. The relationship was not the same I started in.

This leaves me waiting for unemployment and living off my savings. Luckily, with Dave Ramsey and the recent stimulus payments, we are okay for a bit. Although I am very tired of others being so worried about it. I had gotten a bit paranoid in the past few years with his drinking (leading to paying off my car) and the rumors of possible covid issues. If you take in the political unrest, you have a trifecta. I will admit I got comfortable at times and over spent. I should have more than I do, but it is enough. The amount of people asking me if unemployment has been approvied or what I am going to do is what is causing my stress.

I am taking time at the moment to look for jobs that could be fun, or places that seem interesting. I am taking the time to learn more. I am using linked in learning and looking into getting back into school. Also looking into getting certified at my job, although not much studying as I should. There are a few dark contemplative moments.

If I am being absolutely honest the loss of my job, especially in the way in which it happened, left me doubting myself and feeling wronged. The fact that my references and recommendations are from the same job seems a bit ironic for me. I left the situation with one letter or recommendation, four references and one linked in endorsment of my skills. With any sort of job loss there is a sense of self doubt. I apply for jobs and wonder if I am in fact qualified. I am left a bit more selective as well because my girls are still doing remote learning, as you will read below later, I am their only full time consistent. There is a growing amount of remote jobs available now days so at least that is a positive covid related change.

It is exciting to see how many different types of jobs there are out there.

This is the point where I admit that when I went to school for and joined my field of work I did it because I knew people who worked from home. There was no looking or searching. I got lucky and actually enjoyed my job. I would not mind doing it again. I simply lacked the confidence in myself to think I should or could look around. I do not regret any of it. Even not becoming certified after finishing school. I needed the confidence to know I could or was capable. What has helped was those things I was told early on by people who were more experienced, that struck me as off but I ignored because they had the experience, I was later told were the wrong things. It turned out I did know things. I simply lacked the confidence to believe in myself. Silverlinings do exist. I cannot find myself regretting anything I have done or experienced. I am a much better person then I have been professionally because of all of this.

Side note to professional growth. Have you all heard of imposter syndrome. I had not but boy oh boy. I am guilty. I am trying every day to fix this.

It seems odd to try to write a professional update when I am unemployed however there it is.

Okay... look for Part 2. This page is formating so strange.











Looking Forward Looking Back
Slim Dusty

Looking forward, looking back
I've come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I've seen
All the love we've had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we'll be fine, unlike some
I'll be leaning forward, to see what's coming

Looking forward, looking back
I've come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I'm alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I'm okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I've come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back

I swore that I’d never let you back in Should have known better Than trying to let you go

April 12, 2021

Posting this imperfect attempt. I am not sure when this was except before March 2020.

As my old CEO said:

Here We Go Again

Demi Lovato

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages

I tell everyone we are through
‘Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
Cause I break down

Every time you come around
Oh oh oh oh

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better
Than trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We’re falling together
You’d think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Every time that you look at me

You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use

Can’t be with or without you
O oh o oh

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better
Than trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We’re falling together
You’d think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

Oh
And again (and again)
And again (and again)
And again

I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
O oh o oh
O oh o oh

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better
Than trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We’re falling together
You’d think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

‘Cause here we go go go again
Again (again) again and again and again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again

Oh the irony. This song and post title were here waiting for me. Life has changed in really weird way and for the most part of all the changes have left me with one feeling…numbnes. The funny part is most of my strong feelings have found me when they were bad. Now that all is good, or the end is in sight I am mostly so tired from the journey so far that it has given mybody a special treat. The permission to stop running on my hamster wheel. The end result is that I am not feeling much of anything. So there is very little passion behind my post. That is why there was a complete set up waiting. My solution is to write what life looks like now.

I finished school and have a job now. My first ‘real’ job since I had just had my oldest, ten years ago. I love it. I have a cubicle and my own accounts. There is an office setup that just for me! To some that may not seem like much but I share a bedroom with my youngest and a closet with both of them. ‘My bathroom’ is not only mine and the girls, but the main bathroom of the house. So to have my own space is amazing. Also the time to be an adult is super nice.

And I guess the bad can get better Gotta be wrong before it’s right 3.21.2020

When I was a kid I used to get growing pains. I remember how much they hurt, and it felt like it would never stop hurting. Then if only one leg hurt maybe they would be uneven. I worried about that, then hoped the other would not hurt like that one did. To wish that it would never got to the other side. You cannot have it both ways. I wanted it all to happen pain free. To just wake and it all be over. I wanted to skip all the unpleasant parts. Isn’t that just so…human. I spent a few years doing the growing pains involving my life. I thought it would be the worst ones.

I thought that learning to move on alone was it. It would just be only cleaning up my side then maybe adding another person box by box in my space. When you have kids thats how you have to do it, in my opinion. Then I found a guy to add to only half of my life, the none kid home life side.

Growing Pains

Alessia Cara

Make my way through the motions, I try to ignore it
But home’s looking farther the closer I get
Don’t know why I can’t see the end
Is it over yet?
A short leash and a short fuse don’t match
They tell me it ain’t that bad
Now don’t you overreact
So I just hold my breath, don’t know why
I can’t see the sun when young should be fun (fun)

And I guess the bad can get better
Gotta be wrong before it’s right
Every happy phrase engraved in my mind
And I’ve always been a go-getter
There’s truth in every word I write
But still the growing pains, growing pains
They’re keeping me up at night

Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
And I can’t hide
‘Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
And I can’t hide
‘Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night

Try to mend what’s left of my content incomprehension
As I take on the stress of the mess that I’ve made
Don’t know if I even care for “grown”
If it’s just alone

And I guess the bad can get better
Gotta be wrong before it’s right
Every happy phrase engraved in my mind
I’ve always been a go-getter
There’s truth in every word I write
But still the growing pains, growing pains
They’re keeping me up at night

Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
And I can’t hide
‘Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
And I can’t hide
‘Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night

Starting to look like Ms. Know-it-all
Can’t take her own advice
Can’t find pieces of peace of mind, I cry
More than I want to admit
But I can’t lie to myself, to anyone
‘Cause phonin’ it in isn’t any fun
Can’t run back to my youth the way I want to
The days my brother was quicker to fool
AM radio, not much to do
Used monsters as an excuse to lie awake
Now the monsters are the ones that I have to face
No band-aids for the growing pains

Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah (ah yeah)
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah
No, no band-aids for the growing pains

This is my prayer in the harvest When favor and providence flow I know I’m filled to be emptied again

Every year my church has a word of the year. It is supposed to represent your year, what you feel will happen. Or even what you feel you need. Last year it was transformation. That was a pleasant year.

This year I struggled. I was going for one that is like connection. That feels good, my family connecting. I guess if you look at the date I am getting that as well. This word kept popping up, not from me. It was like that little fly that keeps buzzing around you. That word was….

REFINEMENT!

How bad can that be?

 

This is a historic year.  The first month felt like it was a year, but the next once flew at such a speed it feels like a tornado. I should be more freaked out right? To tell the story fully I have to start at the new year.

I watched a show that said the person you kiss at midnight is the person you will end the year with. My husband, still living seperate, was supposed to come by after work. He ended up falling off the wagon a couple days before. I ended up ‘accidently’ spending the night with my kids at my friends house because at that point I was uncomfortable home alone with kids not knowing where he was or what he was doing. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy. My kids just do not realize their Dad drinks, they just know he has phases where he “works a lot”. One day it will be figured out but for now they do not realize, their secure life is not effected. That is what I fight for, their security as much as I can control.

This start should have been a sign. I have spent the last few months with him being in and out. My side is cleaning my side of the street. I am working on personal growth so who I am I to make any big choices. My family is unconventional at best, but it works. He comes around when he can and is sober, he stays away when he is not. The kids have a secure roof over their heads (as much as one can say that) and they know they are loved. There is family that they do not see often and do not understand. I just pray one day they understand why I have done all I have and see that I have done the best I can. This strange peace with it all. It is almost detached. I am not sure wether to be happy God has granted it or worried I am too detached. Alas….

I am reading the bible in a year and working on my refinement. I am leaving him space to go through his own personal journey. I think there is a reason this year has put so much distance in our times together so that we both look at ourselves.

There was an attack on my work life (while the personal one is still in progress). There was a CEO change at my company suddenly. The person who replaced the old one, a good one, was let go after a week from a sales position. A week or so later she was the CEO. She was bit extreme and had a bankruptsy under her belt. Lets just say that was the tip of the iceberg.  It only lasted about a week, then she was suddenly gone. For that week thougb we were all worried we were going to lose our jobs when the company closes down. If you look above to the part about my kids secure home, this threatens that. Then one of the founders steps forward to run the company. Still uncertain because look at what all happened. This has evened out though, mostly.

If you follow the news at all we are in the corona virus season. This has made it so with my husband falling off the wagon a few weeks ago, then him going to get labs at the hospital for an unrelated issue. Being overly cautious leaving him away until we see if he picked up any corona virus germs there, makes about a month since he has been over. I am oddly okay with this. He is not. I am with the kids so I get to see them.

Following the news also says that the schools are shut down until the corona virus…passes? Luckily, I can work from home. I am homeschooling my kids. We are growing food. Right now I have everything I wanted  and talked about having ‘one day’. I am so calm with it all that I am almost indifferent. I am so blessed that when work went from no one is going home to only when your kids school get closed (now it is anyone willing minus a skeleton crew, heck even the lady who runs the deli from across the street is starting on friday when she closes her deli to help us out in office)  my home office appeared in a day. My co-worker had a desk, my parents had a chair. Internet came a few days later. Within days I go from not set up to fully stocked. I am so blessed to even have a job, much less an essential job right now. You see I am an ambulance biller. That kind of makes me medical field related, and I can do it from the safety of my home, with my kids there not around people. We are self quarintining before it is a thing. Fun fact at the moment amazon delivers AND picks up return packages. This is where my amazon prime membership more than gets paid for in shipping cost I do not pay.

Do you see all these blessings. My instagram would resemble the perfect life, or mostly. Heck, I think God is even using all this for my husband to actually work on himself in a big way. No person could predict or make this happen. This is when God works big things in my life. When something so crazy happens that you can’t help but change.

However, tonight after my kids were in bed I laid down on my couch and felt…nothing. It was all so blank. Here I am getting more than I could ask for and I am empty. Not laying down full of joy,  not overly tired. NOTHING!!!

Is this normal? What is normal? Is this what peace feels like? Not feeling like your missing something? I need Kristina Kuzmics thoughts here lol.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Desert Song”

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow

I guess we never really moved on It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words – it makes me weak

I will admit to being a chronic googler. Something comes up in my head look it up! Questions about a show or actor look it up! Confused about my feeling, blogs and whisper! I want to desire to read my bible as much!

However in this quest to figure out my feeling I have looked up everything about divorce. I would give you a list but that would take up the whole page! Right now it is about lingering feelings, and feelings of doubt. These things keep me up at night. We say we can’t get so close, then we do. I try do no further harm, then those heart strings. Those heart strings are pulling us both apart. Especially after I got an email from my lawyer.

I had asked him if I had to appear in court. Partially because I have truely bad anxiety when it comes to authority figures and speaking in front of people. That is bad enough I had to stand up in front of a judge in the begining and it was nerve racking. I am also honest to a fault, usually. And in all honesty if I go in front of a judge and he asked if this is what I want I cannot answer yes. It is not even the I am sad my marriage is over, I am such a failure. It is more I do not know if we are doing the right thing. Neither of us do. I just know that how reality sits it cannot work RIGHT NOW. I know there are factor that would make it a disaster. The love is there but the trust is not. There are real life factors that complicate things even more. Choices we both have made that are not reversible. They are not things that you just shrug off. But we both feel like it is not over, even though we were BOTH sure it was.

This song was our anthem when we were on and off in our younger years. These feelings below were the stepping stones to cheating on who we were with, which led to us being back together AGAIN. Then repeat. Over and over and over. So many hearts broken or damaged between us. People who thought they could be the ones to change the pattern. People who had no idea until they were in too deep. Here we are in our 30’s doing it all over again. I just wish that I could see the plan to know where it all will lead. Is he the guy who I am meant to be with because we keep crashing together, especially when we try to stay away. Or is the mistake I just keep making over and over again. Is he the person who I am supposed to learn from? Are we meant to go our separate was to reunite twenty years later?

I know God has a plan in all of this. I know he has his timing and I have no control over that. Knowing it and being patient for it are two different things. I have always been really bad at that. I want what I want now, or I want what Gods plan (which is far better then mine) right now. At least give me a glance. I know you are good God. I know your plan is so much better than I can imagine for my life. I know you are faithful and can work your will when I screw it up, over and over again.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

That is my ungraceful segway 🙂 The reason I am more so confused is this factor…

To pretty much sum up all of this information we have been talking about. He sends me this…and no he did not write it. He found it online.

I hate how you left me without any sign, 
I hate that you moved on without saying goodbye, 
I hate how your smile makes me give in, 
I hate that your always making me want to caress your skin, 
I hate how you can’t talk to me when she’s around, 
I hate that when she leaves you look me up and down, 
I hate how you made a mark in my heart, 
I hate that you let us drift apart, 
I hate how when I say I hate you I don’t really mean it, 
But most of all….
I hate how you know I can’t hate you…..
And never will. 

Some of these fit me, some fit him. It is the equivialant our mixed feelings right now. The things we have been saying to eachother…or in some cases not saying. The looks the everything. All of it. With paper just waiting for a signature. I have amazing timing. We have amazing timing.

Now if you need me I will be like this..

And because I am feeling the Greys Anatomy…

Greys anatomy quotes are like crack sometimes! And they do not help AT ALL…Because life is not a TV show.

Lips of an Angel

Hinder

Honey, why are you calling me so late?
It’s kinda hard to talk right now
Honey, why are you crying, is everything okay?
I gotta whisper ’cause I can’t be too loud

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And, yes, I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me?
Will it start a fight?
No, I don’t think she has a clue

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words – it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But, girl, you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey, why are you calling me so late?

Say something, I’m giving up on you I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you Anywhere, I would’ve followed you Say something, I’m giving up on you

When we navigate through life we find certain hamster wheels we get stuck on. Some we do on our own, other times we do them with other people. It starts a simple thing, then it becomes something much more dangerous. Good word recently said about me. It applies more to my own hamster wheel.

Okay maybe those are cats but you know. Same thing.

When I was 19 I met a boy. We were just friends then it became more. Then we broke up. Things happened we were all grr. We said hey we can be friends again. Well, that led to more which led to a break up later. Then we did it again and again. There were times we were seeing other people and we decided we could just be friends. Well that led to  us lying about hanging out. We had boundaries about touching or kissing (as in do not do it) until new years eve where we had our first new years kisses ever. Then we were having an affair. It was not the first time. That is not the story though. We ended up being really good “friends” with little care about who was getting hurt. We did this until we found ourselves in an actual commited relationship. We did good for a long. But we did this hamster wheel many many times.

This is a very  emotional and draining thing to do. Yet somehow I still find myself with the same delusions. Over time out extents got bigger. We were committed to one another for almost ten years or so. When that got badly fractured we had ‘radio silence’ as he expalained it for a few months then we texted, but when I did not make the physical attempts or talk to him on the phone for personal reasons to my own healing. Which led to radio silence, which led to well all of this beautiful chaos. Silver lining talking.

Usually the shift from friends or even radio silence to more was some sort of chaos in our lives, good or bad. This drew us back together to be there for eachother. We were best friends first then the emotions and the feelings. Then we try to avoid eachother, which fails. Then the talking…then bam.

So, he is in a relationship. I am morally staying married until I am not. We got to a place where we could talk and get along concerning the kids. We went a little more in depth. We were at a good place, not crossing any lines. Then my life had a crisis. This crisis hit the triggers that made the things I was okay with a month ago seem…like mistakes. They seem like things that I need to stop from happening. I lost the people I have to turn to not because they stopped being there but because they had too much on their plates. And some of those things were the triggers. It made him seem like the only sane person in my life. He just may be.  But that stupid hamster wheel.

The day that chaos started I happened to drop off the kids at his house. I started talking about everything but what I wanted to. We talked about kids, his work, my school. We even started talking about some things that went wrong with us. The things that ended it for us personally. We corrected misconceptions. Something was said about he got his girl friend to help pay the bills but it struck a cord. I made a snide remark about it being worth ruining our marriage for. Then that hit me close to home and when I was getting in the car I started crying because of my chaos. He saw and thought it had to do with what he said. He texted me and I told him it helped just talking to him. That I had something different going on unrelated and he had helped just being around.

We spent a few weeks just talking in general. Texting when he was at work. Making excuses to visit him there with the kids. We started crossing lines here and there. No physical ones but ones that were small to most people. They were the start of the wheel for us. Then life got more chaotic and I got (am) scared about my future because I am almost done with school. I am overwhelmed. He had the kids for a few days during spring break and I had way too much time to think. I started school and cut my class load in half. Too much time. I was having an over emotional day so I went to a movie which I was falling asleep during. He said he wanted coffee and I brought it. Along with a long no boundaries, rant which I talked a lot and paced. I laughed I cried and we crossed so many verbal lines. He let me take control and set the rules. He answered the questions, said the right things. We went from oops there was one foot to lets dance all over it. We even had the awkward we can’t touch because of the subjects we were covering. It all hit us again. We said everything but I love you. It was all chaotic and emotional. We left at a weird spot.

The next day we started the texting and it felt good. He called me a tease and nice to look at. This is tame compared to the day before. Then I asked if he was planning on rerenting a place with her, if he was lying. He was all wishy washy.  I know he has stuff to work through, but I cannot stand in the side lines waiting or being in the middle of life. So we essentially broke up again. I told him before I needed this clean break (divorce) and we would see what the future would hold. I also told him the day before that I was hurt he didn’t fight for me. I told him I needed to see what happened. I dropped bread crumbs. Then I ended it. I cannot emotionally go on the hamster wheel, I am too old. Too much is at stake. And I want to be happy. I want Gods plan for me not my own.

It is kind of refreshing though. When we did this over a year and half ago every one was watching. I had two little girls I needed to help dealing with the chaos of it all. I had to put on a brave face and fight for everything. I became hard and jaded. I was in fight mode constantly. Now I do not have to. We are almost ready to finalize. This time I feel depressed. This time no one is watching. People do not realize the lines that have been crossed. They are too busy with their own crap. I am good in their eyes with it all because I have been for so long.

Tonight I planned on taking sparkly galaxy pink bath using my bath bomb. It turned the water black. Usually I read but instead I sat and thought and felt. I was just the feeling I was. I literally got lost in the black, though it did have glitter. It felt really good. To actually be able to be alone and feel what I am feeling. This weekend he has the kids. I am getting together with a girl friend for a girls night. I get to feel those things I could not feel then. I was angry with him but had to hide it. In the past few weeks I told him. I am going to deal with it while no one is watching. I am going to be open to possibilities out there, including him. I will not close off my world. I will not put my eggs in one basket though.  I have officially given up.

I left the bread crumbs. I told him that I was open maybe one day but I needed him to fight for me. I needed a fresh start because this one is screwed up. It is up to God if it involves him or not. I know I have him forever because he is my kids Dad. I do not know if we will be able to be friends again. I do not know a lot. I know that it is not up to me. I know God can fix what he wants, but for me I need that break. I need to be me. I need to be open to what is out there. I am finally getting the chance to do what I thought I did in the begining but I was faking. Now I have no reason to fake it.  No one is looking anyway. They have something new to look at, this is past for them.

I bid it all ado. I washed off the black from the bath bomb and washed off the walls.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh, oh, oh, oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

It’s never as good as the first time Never as good as the first time

So I am about one week away from being divorces (or so). While I have not jumped over the line of dating yet, I have met a few people. But in the experiences I have had with flirting with the idea have let me down greatly. It was nothing too bad but it makes me feel like I got too spoiled the first time. He was my first serious boyfriend. From the start I was his priority even when we were just friends. He paid for everything, drove everywhere and most importantly never kept me waiting.

In fact On our first unofficial date (it was a trick I swear everyone ditched us)  we ended up hanging out at a gas station before getting food (can’t make this up). When I was sitting next to him on the wood bin…yup…I grabbed his phone and put my number in. Not much was said about it as I handed the phone back and after a bit we went out to eat at the usual spot we went with our friends.

I thought as the stereotype I would not hear from him. Heck maybe he did not even want it and kindly waiting until he got home to delete it. Well he blew the stereotype way out. The next day he texted me while on the sales floor in the store we worked which was something he said he wouldn’t do as it was against the rules. It is a VERY serious offense, your phone is supposed to be in your locker not one the floor at all. After that we talked everyday at least once. Often it ended up almost all the time and we hung out at least five days a week usually everynight until very early morning hours. After about a month or so we got off work and hung out until we wanted to go to bed or could bear being apart, then I went home and saw him at work. We started all over again. Every once in awhile we went to his house at lunch and hung out then too. If he got off before me he walked by my department and told me good night which was the all clear to come over after work. Needless to say we were around eachother and communicating constantly. This continued the constant the whole time we were together. When we did not talk during the day for one day we missed eachother. We had a hard time spending nights alone. He let me decorate the house how I wanted and was there if I said I needed him. I was spoiled. From the moment we met he was always around me and finding excuses to do so. That did not wear off after ten years.

Now I have had two different experiences. The first is guy I met a year ago. We talk on messenger and have not exchanged phone numbers. We talk about wanting to hang out but then do not talk for months. Granted it is a bit more complicated then a normal situation but for my part I do not miss him when we aren’t talking. He is great to have around to entertain me but it is not something I need. He is a good guy when I started my summer quarter he said he was trying to fnish early so he could see me, even though he did not take into account kids and such. The next quarter we walked most thursdays and brought me a dr pepper every time even though he said and I quote “Don’t get used to it”. But I still do not have even regualar communication with him now. In fact I think I have finally scared him away and then I hear from him after a month or so.

The second encounter is more recent. There is this guy I hung out with in high school who I recently saw again. I told him I was almost divorced and he said hey lets hang out here is my number so I can text you. This is a risk for me as my soon to be ex husband pays the bill. I did though. I took that small risk which for me is a huge step. It has been two days and no word. Two days may not seem like a lot, or maybe he is waiting until I am divorced. However as stated in my history above by now we were contant so two days of silence speaks volumes to me.

In fact the guy I most talk to is my almost ex. We talk at least once a week with the kids as an excuse in the beginning but in the end we are just talking. We have taken to talking about a half hour on drop off which may not seem like a lot but that visit is only two hours. Last week we talked after as well. When my car door got broke he rushed to help me fix it. He paid for my wind shield wipers and wouldn’t let me repay him. He is more then generous with me in this process financially. In many ways the past few months it has been like getting my best friend back that I lost before I even left, but especially after. So to look at these glimpses into dating makes me frustrated.

I want the guy who can’t stand not talking to me. That will be there for me. That will appreciate me, but so far I am seeing that in my almost ex. Ironic ay? I want to move on and find my next phase guy now that I am not 19 anymore. It is not that I have emotional attachments to my almost ex because I always will, first love and other things as well as father of my children. It is that those things I valued in that relationship so far do not seem to exist in the real world, or at least this phase because theydid happen before. Is it too much to ask? I just want that great love again. The ex complication is not a part of how a guy treats me, in my humble opinion, especially during the getting to know you phase.

Maybe that was the good ol’ days. Maybe I just really hate dating and am not good at it. I am really good at friends zone and serious commitment. The in between, eh…

Maybe the song it true but instead of first kiss it is first love.

Never as Good as the First Time

Sade

Good times they come and they go
Never going to know
What fate is going to blow
Your way just hope that it feels right

Sometimes it comes and it goes
You take it ever so slow
And then you lose it
Then it flows right to you

So we rely on the past
Special moments that last
Were they as tender
As we dare to remember

Such a fine time as this
What could equal the bliss
The thrill of the first kiss
It’ll blow right to you

It’s never as good as the first time
Never as good as the first time

Good times they come and they go
Never going to know
It’s like the weather
One day chicken next day feathers

The rose we remember
The thorns we forget
We’d love and leave
We never spend a minute on regret

It is a possibility, the more we know the less we see
Second time, is not quite what it seems
Natural as the way we came to be
The second time, won’t live up to the dream

It’s never as good as the first time
Never as good as the first time

Natural as the way we came to be
Second time won’t live up to the dream
Natural as the way we came to be
Second time is not quite what it seemed

It’s never as good as the first time
As the first time, the first time

Natural as the way we came to be
Second time won’t live up to the dream
Natural as the way we came to be
Second time is not quite what it seemed

It’s never as good as the first time
As the first time, the first time

“I wish somebody would have told me babe That some day, these will be the good old days All the love you won’t forget And all these reckless nights you won’t regret”

I am reaching the last legs of my divorce settlement. The first phase for me was the shock and denial, then came the the enlightened girl power. This phase is not fun it is the nostalgic, second guessing phase. Are we really doing the right thing? And if I have to reread the phrase irreconcilable differences again this week I will scream! My belief system of not divorcing is poking at me. When I know that there is nothing much that can be different. We may have had chances before but now to work it out but after all the pieces have fallen the way they have it is too late. If there is anything that could be done it is in Gods hands.

That sounds totally cliche but I am going on without a plan for where I will be. I just know that I tried to do this once. I decided who was the one for me, I decided we were meant to be no matter what. I forced it to be the plan, because God wants marriages to stay together so if I get married he will bless our union. He has to. It doesn’t matter what he thought before. Yeah, kids don’t try to force Gods plans.

My almost ex-husband and I have been talking about what went wrong and general feelings. How things are totally different. He said something about how he will never have the same relationship as before. Ours was different from his ones before and from the one he is in now. How he does not think any one will be that ‘special’ (I inserted that word to try to lighten the mood) again. In a sense that was it for him in the deep romance department. It got lost with our relationship. There is also comments about if we had had kids later and such..maybe if..maybe if…

I am in a different boat. I know what was there. I know what it still lingering. I also know there was a reason I left. I know that things are broken, not that they could not be fixed before. I know why. I am not a teenage girl with stars in her eyes. It just sucks to see the things that should have happened before this point to make it work. To see the guy that I fell in love with come back in a shell of a guy who seems so lost and hopeless. To hear even now that that part of him I saw before is only around with me, when he goes back to his new reality it is not there. It makes me want to crawl back about four years and yell at us both to watch out. To avoid…well this.

Instead I look at the future. I hope for a love that makes me realize that I can love more deeply than I thought I could now. One that makes me be glad that I found him at that time. That he was the missing piece of the puzzle. That I have a guy who was my husband but is my great friend, and the guy that is the love of my life. That I am blessed enough to have them both. That I have two great guys in my corner instead of the world

I saw in my twenties. Or God can come in and change everything.

He let me have my way once. He let us mess it all up. Now I am going to trust him to help me rebuild it.

But oh man right now I am looking back real good at the Good ol’ Days! I miss them, they were pretty awesome. They were my twenties. They brought a love, a marriage and two beautiful children. They held my youth, they were my stupid growing up mistakes. They were what I look back in with a smile, or sometimes want to cry. They are gone now. My twenties formed the me of my thirties. I lost the ideals, but the memories and feelings are still there. Now I need to grow up to my thirties and apply the lessons I have learned.

So I will end here in my head again. I will enjoy not having to worry about homework as I finally finished the quarter. I am going to get a glass of wine, kick my feet up and relax.

I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

I was thinking about the band
I was thinking about the fans
We were underground
Loaded merch in that 12-passenger van
In a small club in Minnesota
And the snow outside of 1st Ave
I just wanted my name in a star
Now look at where we at
Still growing up, still growing up
I’d be laying in my bed and dream about what I’d become
Couldn’t wait to get older, couldn’t wait to be someone
Now that I’m here, wishing I was still young
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Wish I didn’t think I had the answers
Wish I didn’t drink all of that glass first
Wish I made it to homecoming
Got up the courage to ask her
Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell
Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf
Wish I wouldn’t have worry about what other people thought
And felt comfortable in myself
Rooftop open and the stars above
Moment frozen, sneaking out, and falling in love
Me, you and that futon, we’d just begun
On the grass, dreaming, figuring out who I was
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me babe
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe we always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missing what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinking about the past
While missing out on now
We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud
And I ain’t worried about the wrinkles around my smile
I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around
I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now
Those good old days

You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone
You don’t know, what you’ve got
Till it goes, till it’s gone

I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days