No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken

There are those conversations that you don’t plan, that start out as one thing and end up in an unexpected place. They are usually the ones that have had in your head so many times you could right a script. As I am nearing my settlement date, and the end of my marriage, I am finding myself nostalgic. I am emotionally thinking about what went wrong and how the heck we got here! I think back to the good times and the bad times in equal amounts. I wonder the what if’s and such. The list is long, and I will not bore with the details of my own choices. This is about those conversations, one in particular.

I have an older daughter who loves to tell me all of the exciting updates in her life. Her version of exciting and mine differ, but I do not discourage her. I do just let her tell me how she feels about anything, though at times I had to suddenly look away to hide my natural reaction before I turn around again.

She recently brought home news from her Dad’s house that concerned me because we are not yet divorced. So timing was completely wrong. And she reacted the same way as she did when we were first seperates, which I know the stages that came after. I could see the signs in her of those coming again, and I still have to tell her when the divorce is final. There is also the factor to think about of how the information is translated by the 8 year old. They do not make the most reliable witnesses.

I was going to talk about it on the phone but he had an odd day off and I have this thing about talking about things between us when his girlfriend is there. It is just weird to have a third party when talking about personal things, what he says to anyone else is not my business. I am relatively uncaring about such things, but what I say and to who I do care about. So that left me having it on my mind when I did the drop off. That forced me to put my big girl panties on and say my concerns to his face. This used to be my strong suit. Actually, when I was really bothered I asked him to shut up so I could get it off my chest. These sometimes had a discussion and sometimes did not. It depended on the subject and if there was a need to discuss it. This was effective because it made me get things off my chest without becoming a nag. In the last two years of my living with him I could not do that. It created a lot of chaos in me.

A new development in our seperation is being able to actually talk to eachother. Sometimes it is weird, but mostly it is nice to be able to talk to him even if it can be weird sometimes. It is kind of like when you first start dating someone and you are not sure how it all is supposed to go. It is just odder because this was someone you were intimate with and knew you better than anyone else.

The topic on hand this time was my daughter informed me that he was going to get married, and she made it sound like soon. My mind frame is that if he does later, not my business, though a heads up would be nice. For now, we still have to get divorced and I would like all of us, especially the kids to adjust emotionally. This is particularly important to my oldest who still talks about us being together again. I think until it is final, and maybe even after, she will want that. Maybe even forever. You can see where this is not something that one would want to talk about, but for the sake of my oldest I want the less emotional harm in this divorce process.

When I brought it up however the conversation turned to many different things, one of which was our past and what happened. It covered our views on remarriage and kids. It was very bittersweet. It left me shaking my head at how stupid it was that we were even here. We both got mixed up and made choices. Now the damage is done and we now are done. We both will never be the same. We both will always mourn the loss of our family.

The two things I got to say that have been screaming in my head I got to say. I got to say why I left and what ended the relationship for me. The second coming many months after the first. I did say one barbed response which I have to apologize for this week. The cool thing was that I got say the words that have been screaming at me, I got to hear a bit of his side to understand what happened on his end. It left me really sad though. Not so much that we are here, or what happened before, but the fact of where he is now. You see I am a hopeless romantic, so when he moved on so quick I thought hearts and flowers. It turns out it isn’t, more then that I do not know, nor do I want to know. Hence where my barded remark came from, it being worth ending the marriage. It made me sad that the guy who obsessed over valentines day, was the hopeless romantic is now so jaded. I hope it is a passing thing. I am better then I was a year ago. I am stronger. I know who I am. When I told him that I told our oldest we are healthier now he was not excited about that. That all is his side of the road though. I got somethings off my side. Though apperently I am still a bit mad at him moving on so quickly, which is ironic because I am mainly glad. That freed me. That sunk the ship so I could find me. It is much like the Adele:

That song has hit home since then. It puts it into place for me. It does not make me miss my family less though. When my daughter sees a group of deer with the mom and the babies she says just like us Mom, (with the Dad not around). Yeah. That is a hit below the belt for someone who thinks a family being “whole” is a really good thing. Who does not like divorce. Who never thought we would be here.

 

iI

Unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

All of the colors, paint a picture in my head Falling apart, but it’s perfectly perfect Like they said, nothing’s perfect

My life has not turned out like I expected. I am not where I expected to be.

This is the story of my right angle, and how it became my life

I am okay with it. I am excited to see where it all turns out. But lately, okay this whole time there had a trend of events happening simulantiously that make me think about where I was, what happened and if I am really going down the right path. Last spring I prayed for an old conversation, and a new one because I had no male attention coming my way so it made me really question everything I was doing. Was this the right path. Well, I got it. I got this guy who is still around saying the right things, and doing the right things. I also have this guy who was my best friend and happily ever after who at that time I had not seen or talked to in a really long time. They are both still around, one as the guy expressing interest in me and the other the father of my children. It is like seeing my past as one fork in the road and the other guy representing what could be. Not just with him but having options. There are times that these two worlds collide within a shor period of time that makes me wonder what if we are making a mistake. I could not see it woking out, too much trust is lost, but there are times that feel like we should be together. Logic states that there is no way it would work, reality shows all those sign trifold but those emotions man…they kill me.

My girls said a few things that I had to talk about with their Dad. So I asked him to call me after he was off work so we could talk about them. Those things got dealt with in a few minutes and we spent about a half hour talking about the our kids future education, his work stuff and just past to present updates. The most gut wrenching thing was he made a comment back that so profoundly hit me I forgot what it was too, he said “it is too late for the the perfect picture now”. That means us being a family. That was added onto some things he said during valentines day that made me sad for him. He said it with such regret and sorrow that it made me want to go back to before when things got so screwed up. I, of course, being me said something probably a bit mean natured from foot-in-mouth disease. I said even before it was not there. My meaning was that no really wanted us to be together, so it was always a fight. We never were the couple who everyone saw as perfect together. Our dating life was rocky but we were in love. Our bubble was close to perfect for a long time, but when we left that it was not. I am sure he probably misinterpreted that though. We have been getting along so well and agreeing on quite a few things. This encounter left me thinking back and wondering what the hell we were doing? How did we let it all get so screwed up that it is now irrepairable? This was not what we signed up for.

After this exchange leaving me so contemplative the guy that I hear from randomly messaged me after I was in the house. His random interactions do not bother me because I have left him stringingly along with mixed signals and bread crumbs. I give enough to keep him sticking around and when he does I push him away. Why is he still around anyway? He messaged me and after a few comments and answering my question about what was weird in his life…as mine feels plenty weird. It got onto that he followed the list of what he was supposed to do and he added at the end meet a pretty red head. The father of my children made jokes about the frizziness of my hair. It is stuff like that which makes me want to move forward with someone who will act like that all the time. This just added to my contemplative mood.

How can I wish for one thing then the exact opposite. Those two worlds cannot exist on the same plane. I wish I could jump into the future just to see how the end works out. I know The past is the past. It was wonderful, and tragic. It was the best and the worst. It was the best way to spend my twenties, I have no regrets. Now I am looking to the future but the reminders of the past keep me coming back in that mind frame, those moments. I miss my best friend, and there are moments when I feel like I may get him back.

Is this normal for getting a divorce? I do not feel hate or anger toward him. I get frustrated but it was no more so than when we were together. I feel like it may have been easier if were the couple that argued and fought, that could not stand eachother. This is just complicated emotionally. Logic is easy, reason is easy, even reality is easy!

My luck when I am getting my car fixed at his shop the guy will message me. Then my world can spin into chaos with the two places crashing.

Oh well, at any rate this is my last moment for now to look backward. I am now going to look forward.

 

[Intro]
It’s not what I expected
It’s not what I intended
It’s not the message I’ve been sending
No no

[Chorus]
All of the colors, bleeding from my head
All of the colors, paint a picture in my head
Falling apart, but it’s perfectly perfect
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send

[Verse 1]
The prophet told me everything
She came into my dreams
She said “Michael, baby
You must flee”
Yeah
All of the colors, bleeding from my head
All of the colors, paint a picture in my head
Falling apart, but it’s perfectly perfect

[Chorus]
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send

[Bridge]
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah, aye
(x6)

[Chorus]
Like they said, nothing’s perfect
But this picture’s perfect
Everything was worth it in the end
You set it straight, I turned it
But the glass gets dirty, around 11:30
I hit send

[Bridge]
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah
Aye yeah, aye aye yeah, aye
(x2)

I know why, but I don’t know why We ever let this happen Fallin’ for forever was a big mistake

When I was living in a normal, happy married relationship we became obsessed with the show Reba. Then a few years later we came across the video ‘every other weekend’ by Reba staring two of the main characters. It is all about parents passing off children that are still in love. We thought it was a sad video, but still enjoyed it because that would never be us. That is always the fatal mistake isn’t it. We now talk through lawyers except about kids, and are toward an every other weekend schedule. Isn’t that ironic. This is my first love, only serious relationship, and father of my children. It was not lack of love that did us in but for me, lack of trust. That will never be the same again. It was not a long process that we both sighed a sigh of relief when it was over. What did happen though destroyed all the things that should be there.

That does not change every time we exchange kids. Or when we visit the Urgent care or doctor with the kids. There has been a few moments where we had those pauses and looks. A few weeks ago our fingers touched (we do not touch now) when I was passing him back hair ties and there was what felt like an eternity of the looks. The world seeming to pause, literally what it shows in the music video. Which was made more weird when we broke it and I left and realized his girlfriend was in the house the whole time. For that moment we were alone.

In the parking lot
We don’t touch,
We don’t talk much,
Maybe goodbye to each other

There is a part of me that will always love him, but I am not in love with him. I do miss being a family with him. Family is a wonderful thing. To see my kids call for him and he is not there because of it all feels like punishment to them. Seeing my male family members step in when needed for them to have that when they need it has been amazing, but not the same. Times like this weekend hit me on everything that has changed. It is a good change. I have done things that I would never have been able to do with him. There was a moment in the store after a doctor visit (that went really well) when I saw how he spoke to me, and how for a second I believed him. He made me doubt everything I have learned in school, and my ability to be successful when in reality I am in the honors society and have made the deans list or presidents list every quarter. I aim to graduate with over a 3.9 gpa. When we are apart I feel smart, successful, strong, and able to do anything. When we were together I felt like my talents could not surpass his. I could not be successful if he is not. My worth is the state my kids were, or how clean the house was. That was my life for many years. Now, I am seen as someone to go to with questions. I am seen as smart and capable. I have had two guys come in to my life that have seen me and treated me that way. Treated me with worth, like I am an improvement to their lives. One I contact more and he tells me I can achieve my goals. This was not something that was in my marriage and I did not realize that. He was too busy trying to help me achieve my goals because I “could not do it on my own”. He even suggested I let him have the kids more to help me with studying. I was on the presidents list taking 5 online classes and being a full time summer mom.

But still this thing happened today. He was telling the girls “I love you” and he said it not looking at them then glanced at me. It may have been an accident or me over thinking the look. I wanted to say it back though. There was another look…I had to look away. I had to do this because That is the part of me that will always love him, the part of me that misses family. No one ever plans to share custody, it happens though. It something you say will never happen to you, until you are working on a settlement. I mourn the life that we do not have. It is not an in love with him thing, just a old heart string thing. I read an article that the person you are with when your brain is finishing forming in your twenties if it is a significant relationship will make a huge mark. He was my twenties. All of them. We had kids and were married when our brains stopped forming. That guy is just gone though. There is this new guy that I do not recognize except in looks who I drop my kids off with. It is so complicated to work out emotionally. I am very glad I have been taking this selfish year to work out all of this crap.

The irony of life is that I met a guy at church today. It was nice and organic. I am taking this in the same speed I am taking everything else. Right now I am married. I do smile and flirt. Nothing that I would not be willing to tell him about if he asked. That is my rule. It was the guy making the first move asking my name and the nice to meet you. Then I smiled and walked away. Times like that remind me how shy and old fashioned I am. It has nothing to do with the marriage or anything like that. I have the first reaction before that moment where that where I am just a girl meeting a boy, or about to be kissed by a boy.  It is a wonder we made our relationship progess as fast as it did, it must have been him controlling the tempo because I am so shy and typical school girl like. It seems every time I have an encounter with a new guy or the other guy there is a moment with my estranged husband that is that way.  Life is funny that way.

As she drives away with every piece of heart I got,
I reconvince myself we did the right thing

I just wonder if when we are both married and living completely different lives, more so then now as we are still connected by legal things, if we will still have those world pausing moments. I hope not.

It just amazes me that I can look so excitedly into my future and look back into the past with mourning. It does seem I meet a guy where I ask for though. I wanted new conversation meet guy #1, guy #2 was more of a suprise, and guy #3 was at church. Do not get me wrong I do not lead anyone on, but I do enjoy the company. I am the type when I am commited I make sure to not do anything I would not like if they did. I ended up losing touch with all of my male friends, and I was okay with that. Now I am enjoying being friends with guys again. It is a nice feeling that I could be seeing someone right now if I wanted to. It is also a nice feeling that one guy is all in whenever I am ready to accept it. It is now my choice to respect the fact that I am legally married, for now. I am not sitting around lonely.

For now I will leave it with the lyrics that speak to me right now, with irony and something deeper. I am excited to see where the future leads me. Right now it is leading me to bed so I can remember the things that I need to for my morning class to keep up the gpa 🙂 Because this Mom is a rock star on the side!

“Every Other Weekend”
(with Kenny Chesney)

[Reba:]
Every other Friday
It’s toys and clothes and backpacks
Is everybody in
Okay, let’s go see dad
Same time in the same spot
Corner of the same old parking lot
Half the hugs and kisses there are always sad
We trade couple words and looks and kids again
Every other weekend[Kenny:]
Every other weekend
Very few exceptions
I pick up the love we made in both my arms
It’s movies on the sofa, grilled cheese and cut the crust off
“That’s not the way mom makes it, daddy,” breaks my heart
I miss everything I use to have with her again
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
I cant tell her I love her

[Reba:]
I can’t tell him I love him

[Both:]
‘Cause there’s too many questions and ears in the car

[Reba:]
So I don’t tell him I miss him

[Kenny:]
I don’t tell her I need her

[Both:]
She’s(He’s) over me, that’s where we are

[Kenny:]
So we’re as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend

[Reba:]
Every other Saturday
First thing in the morning
I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away
I know why, but I don’t know why
We ever let this happen
Fallin’ for forever was a big mistake
There’s so much not to do and all day not to do with him
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
Every other Sunday
I empty out my backseat
While my children hug their mother
In the parking lot
We don’t touch,
We don’t talk much,
Maybe goodbye to each other
As she drives away with every piece of heart I got,
I reconvince myself we did the right thing,
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
I can’t tell her I love her

[Reba:]
I can’t tell him I love him

[Both:]
‘Cause there’s too many questions and ears in the car

[Reba:]
So I don’t tell him I miss him

[Kenny:]
I don’t tell her I need her

[Both:]
She’s (He’s) over me that’s where we are
We’re as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend

[Kenny:]
Yeah, for fifteen minutes,
We’re a family again

[Reba:]
God, I wish that he was still with me again

[Kenny:]
Every other weekend

 

I’m way too good at goodbyes…

An ode to a almost was…but was not meant to be.

April 12, 2021

Another old post probably from about 2018. Clearing out the skeltons in my closet.

I lost my rebound. I should probably be more sad but I am not. I am kind of dissappointed that I am losing my entertainment at night (texting you dirty minded people). I still have to give him credit he came out and told me straight out, and he still waited longer than the man I gave ten years to. I cannot say that I have any regrets, besided the double edged sword of not letting him kiss me because of a legality. Though I would have regretted letting him kiss me too. At least this way I had the eye gaze magic scene without it being possibly spoiled.

I found through this that I am way too good at goodbyes but I am also way too good at commitment, even without the actual words of it. When I get the butterflies and the good words. The I am not going anywhere right now helped too. I am just that person who wants forever. I want it just as much as I want to have fun and flirt. Ironic aye?

 

I am beautiful irony. It makes me pretty easy to please, and easy to fall for. Though not enough to stick around. The first time around I chased more, I made myself super devoted and available. I made my world all about the guy I was with. This time I want to be chased, I want a man who will fight for me and my kids. Who think we are the best things that will ever happen to him.

Oh well, one day my prince will come. With a white horse and all that cliche crap. Until then I hope he learned many interesting lessons. I hope he knows he did so many things right, that it was mainly about timing. There was a bit more. I am leaving it with good things. He reminded me how to be fun again, and what it is like to be my own person. That I am not someones Mom or someones “old lady”. He made me feel young and adult. He was just what I needed at that moment.

 

You must think that I’m stupid
You must think that I’m a fool
You must think that I’m new to this
But I have seen this all before

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless
I know you’re thinking I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way to good at goodbyes
(I’m way to good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No way that you’ll see me cry
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

No
No, no, no, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No, no, no, no
No, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes

The girl friends guide to divorce…real life edition

There is a show in netflix that is helarious, but very VERY unrealistic. For one thing there was not custody battle what so ever, and he came in the front door when he pleased. A whole lot of other unrealistic things happened too. I find myself in the a similiar situation with younger children and the real life issues. Most of it is boring and cookie cutter. How do we share children, how do we exist around eachother now? This is all very tedious and dramatic. I have to admit on some level I am done with it all.

However, I had the occasion to hang out with a boy one day while the girls were gone with a family member who asked to have them for a few hours. It was interesting. It started out with the person picking up the girls being about forty-five minutes late. This derailed a movie time. I am not the most punctual person but I do not like being late because of someone besides my kids. I am pretty good at going with the flow so it was not as bad. He was pretty cool with it as well, because is it really a choice? Then we ended up at a subway. Yes, I am a cheap date, or really expensive. There is not much in between. Being as I live in a small town you have movies and the mall for things to do. There are a few other things if you want to be cold in the winter or know things to do. I am neither of those people.

That is how at the age of 30 I had a first “hang out” with a boy at a mall….

To think back at my previous dating experience I have been to one “normal date” in all my years, and it was awkward. There was hanging out with a group of people, at odd places, all hours of the night. The only time I went to the movies with a guy was the same normal date guy and we went twice to the same movie because he was convinced that I would like it the second time. I did not. He was a great guy, we just were not compatable. I was actually looking forward to this new experience of a normal date like experience. I have not seen a movie in theaters for about three or four years.

Actually, my dating with my soon to be ex-husband consisted of a group of friends after eleven P.M. to some time in the early A.M. because we all worked the late shift. After a few weeks of that and a nice trick from the group we ended up alone one night. Then we hung out that weekend. Then we ended up hanging out at his house watching obsurd shows all hours because this was the days before netflix and on demand. We had one night of a “normal” dinner that we got tricked into, then we were constantly communicating. We were together except for sleeping. We did whatever sounded interesting at the moment because we were going to hang out anyway. I could go into fun stories from that phase but that is over now. We are grown ups now.

So there I am at 30 walking around a mall, like a 15 year old. Mmhmm. So, what you should know about me is when I get awkward I talk. I also usually ave two little girls running around to chase aorund. It was very interesting to walk around a mall doing what I want. So I went into stores that my kids should not be in, nothing super crazy. Things with breakables and stores like spencers. Another fun fact is that I talk, ALOT, when it was quiet. Oh and my kids took over that talking thing when they learned to speak, so I get very little room to talk.

So I am an adult female who is walking around a mall, talking constantly. I led this boy around store to store, talking. And talking…and talking…

It would be amazing if he ever hangs out with me again. I do not know if I would. Especially since we are at the settlement portion of the proceeding which started out “civil” and now turned into we will talk through a lawyer. This equates to not really liking the version of the person you are dealing with, whom you once were in love with. Which leads to alot of interesting thoughts. There is very little filtration between mind and mouth when I am in these places. After a few years I can communicate with a few words…I actually had a five word complete conversation with my ex that consisted of one word each in turn. It was civil, short and sweet. In the begining though, there are MANY MANY words. A dictionary of words that leave very little for the other person to say.

In short I was a 30 year old walking around a mall in circles doing a darn good impression of a 15 year old girl. All I needed was a school girl outfit, pig tails and a soft pretzel.

Yup that was me. Eat your heart out. My first time out as an adult…and I look like a school girl. I wish I could say it was a bit more like…

Alas, it was not. Though I do know the power of being a woman at my age at least. The confidence is there usually. It was there at the mall with me, with a childlike quality.

Maybe my adventures will be a bit more exciting after I am no longer married legally.

One nice thing is most people my age or older know how to be more direct. I even got asked if I would give another guy my phone number if he asked. I am very selective, always have been, so the answer was no but it killed me because he is a great guy. It was just awesome the directness. Knowing where it all stands. Even if it is not where it would feel good to stand. That is why it was so much easier to know my marriage was done. You know where you stand. There is such a power in that.

I wish it were always that simple.

Well, now comes the fun time of all meme’s that I find that inspire me, or humor me 😉

 

 

“It might not be the right time I might not be the right one But there’s something about us I want to say Cause there’s something between us anyway”

This week something happened that I never expected. I almost got another first kiss. It did not happen because I moved…yeah I know…typical. It is more complicated than that because ten years ago I thought I got my last first kiss. I thought I was with the only guy who could ever give me such huge butterflies. Well, if this is the first post your reading…you will notice the first line. That guy no longer gives me anything but usually indigestion. That is not totally fair, but I am not in love with him any more. This guy came out of no where at the worst time. I am still legally married but very seperated. Happily so. The fact that I would not check the single or divorced box yet is the problem here. The timing is all out of wack. This guy has been amazingly patient and understanding with the whole my life is a soap opera thing. He is cool with being a secret and playing by my rules. More unexpectedly, he gives me the butterflies. He tried to kiss me and for the first time since I met my kids dad he was not on my mind. It was movie scene perfect…

s

We are here…it was out of the movies. Skin tingling…zoo in my stomach…

And I had to shut it down…because our timing is off. In our progress we are here, but in real life I have a real legal thing. I see this legal thing every week. We share children. And our relations started with a rebound and cheating. I was his mistress at some point and other times he had one. There was an emotional affair. Five miutes after he gave up on us he moved another girl into our house. It is a hot mess. We started out bad and it never really stayed unbad. There was always the bad karma waiting in the wings. I do not want to do that again.

While this maybe not something that is exactly fix the marriage quality. We are in the lets make a settlement process, so that is not happening…

I gave up on finding the butterflies. I thought that it would be years before I found them. Not now. If this was ten years ago or a year from now it would be so much different. I would have kissed him and it would have been…

Yeah that is what I felt…it was amazing. It could have been so much more amazing had it been able to happen.

How can something so wonderful feeling come at such a bad time. I want to ignore the bad timing and go with my desires…but I did that once. The bad karma follows you, you can never recover after a few hits. The waiting just may drive me insane. There is still so much to be done to become “single” again. My heart, my life feels single. It is a box to check, a lawyer to contact. A settlement to make.  It is not in anyway anything but a business transaction. So, to feel butterflies. To have what I have not felt since my kids dad. It makes me want to run away from it all. To ignore my “business relationship” and my moral code. To jump off that cliff head first. In that moment I was not in this “business relationship”, but a girl with a guy who for one who claims to not know…who claims to be very single…does everything right!

I feel like I am floating.

No matter what happens it s very nice to feel them again. It nice to have hope and to be excited for the future…I just have to stay on my path of being faithful to this “business relationship” until I can officially mark the box the makes me “divorced” which is as single as I will ever be again because I will never be “single” again. I will always be “divorced” until the day I am “married” again. I never thought I would look forward to checking that box. It makes me downright giddy now..

I am going to float away on my butterflies now…into the dream world where I can act on them.

Life goals..this is my future the guy that wants this..because there will not be many firsts but there can be a lot of lasts.

 

 

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there’s something about us I want to say
Cause there’s something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there’s something about us I’ve got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life

“I’m jumping off of the world now, uh Never stop, never slow down Skydiving I take the leap without a parachute”

I was talking to someone at school today. I told them how I basically have lived on faith for over a year from the day I left to now. I have no parachute. I am having faith that God will help me land in safe pastures. Usually I enjoy the ride, heck usually I am flying down screaming my head off in the best way possible. Other times I am yelling and cursing at myself for ever jumping off the plane to start with. Today has been up with the down…up and flying, then down and wanting to cry. I am not sure the turn of events that cause this today, or just that the quarter is winding down, and so is the work load.

It is probably safe to say I should probably stay off the internet right now. But I am going to keep jumping, because I feel like crying and laughing…and making out with some boy. Even though I equally feel that this is a bad thing and a good thing. I try not to over think that. That is a whole other story for anyother day but today. Maybe.

I had to log back into facebook after….six months (?) of being deactivated. I unblocked the almost ex husband, but that is rather unremarkable as my account was up for maybe five minutes. It is more a digital photo album. It drew me back to those crazy facebook thoughts all over again. Lets see what is up with that person we have not seen in many months. I asked the boy about a picture he had. I am totally over those feelings. “Who is that girl writting on your wall?” How can one website reduce us all to high schoolers? I don’t know where I am going with this. My thoughts are not in line at the moment. I am a bit distracted and confused equally about my new prospects. It is odd going from “being with your forever” to facing any dating situations.

I do however think that there is such a thing as too much living in ones head and over analyzing. This is a new lesson, now how to turning it off. Though I am in step four- taking inventory- so that probably part of the problem. I think that is supposed to be the solution though.

I probably should add this to the scrap pile but I enjoy being open and honest, no holds bar. So I will just look up memes to add 😉

Skydiving

Lights

It all starts here, with a rush of blood to the head
And I feel no fear
And nothing’s happening yet
You pull me in
I’m doing things I never would do
My pulse, racing
I’m coming alive with you

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory
You said to me, “Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory”

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I take the leap without a parachute
‘Cause I can’t keep my hands away from you
And I’m all in
It’s too late to turn around
Adrenaline is taking my body now

Free fall with me
Get a little unruly
No guts, no glory

You got me skydiving
You got me high flying
Oh, I’m jumping off of the world now, uh
Never stop, never slow down
Skydiving

I’m going…

“I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared I fall, I break, I mess up, I make mistakes But if you can’t take me at my worst You don’t deserve me at my best”

I am a fairly reserved person. I keep locked up the secrets of what happened behind the closed doors of marriage quiet, unless legally needed. However I am a red head, temper and all. It is not always mad it is sad, happy, anything. I show all my cards, then I do not mention it again if it is negative. If you happen to around when I am in my out burst…good luck. Lately, there is one person who keeps getting swept up in my wind storms. They saw the crazy after seeing me the third time. For only five minutes each time. It was very “Hello here is my worst, my drama. Take me or leave me”.

It is hard to believe this same person is still hanging around. I figured why wait ten years, lets test the limits now. Even with amazing boundries….or demands. I am not available. I will not be for awhile. I am taking time to be selfish. This person tends to always pop up around when the crazy has stirred to a boiling point. They get all the spewed up stuff. They were even sitting next to me after a call in which I learned some news that made me mad and got the first reaction. They have waited longer than the man I married with no promise of anything. Maybe I am not the crazy one. I am pushing that limit too.

Luckily I am not the second one…but it seems when someone says that that it more the second. Who really thinks they are her? But whom of us really is? Now, maybe most girls do not go and set fires. I do admit a bit of…mind play…in my younger years. I think that is our worst. We go after eachother over the person doing whatever it is. That is besides the point…

 

To be honest, I think I lost it. This person took my mind off all my crazy..onto the subject of food. Well, maybe I started it…

 

I sent this beauty to them… 😛

I leave you in the middle of my blah with these amazing lyrics I have found…

“At My Best”
(feat. Hailee Steinfeld)

[Machine Gun Kelly:]
Turn my vocals up, alrightI wrote this song as a message for help
On behalf of anybody finding theirself
I wrote this letter to numb your pain
‘Cause everyday I wake up I’m feeling the same

I got issues just like you got issues
I been hurt I seen scar tissue
If I showed you would you run away?
Do I gotta hide ’em for you to wanna stay?

Do I even need you?
Should I leave you?
Do I gotta be you
Just to please you?
Do I say I’m all good
When I bleed you through my heart?
Quit tearing mine apart

[Hailee Steinfeld:]
I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared
I fall, I break, I mess up, I make mistakes
But if you can’t take me at my worst
You don’t deserve me at my best

[Machine Gun Kelly:]
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up, uh
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up, uh
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up
‘Cause life is about—aight, check this out

Look, life is about making mistakes
It’s also about trying to be great, right
Do not let failure scare you away
I know you fed up, you fall, get up
It’s all in us,
I can speak about ’cause I did it true
Ladies and gentlemen here’s the exhibit
It’s my life look a little closer you could see the highlight
Gold ain’t always golden but I told ’em

Look at all the years
I’ve been waiting for a moment
Shed a lot of tears
Just to smile in the morning
Tell me could you love me,
Tell me could you love me?
Tell me could you love me if I told you why?

[Hailee Steinfeld:]
I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared
I fall, I break, I mess up, I make mistakes
But if you can’t take me at my worst
You don’t deserve me at my best

[Machine Gun Kelly:]
This song’s for anybody, yeah
Who feels like I did
Never the cool kid
This song’s for anybody
Who fought their way through
Always remain true
This song’s for anybody
The one’s who trying to get it
The one’s who dreaming and live it
This song’s for anybody
This song, this song, this song, this song, this song, this song

[Hailee Steinfeld and Machine Gun Kelly:]
I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared
I swear I do
I fall, yeah, I break, yeah, I mess up, I make mistakes
And I ain’t sorry ’bout it
But if you can’t take me at my worst
You don’t deserve me at my best

[Machine Gun Kelly:]
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up, uh
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up, uh
Gotta keep it going, gotta keep my head up
‘Cause life is about

And just maybe a few funny memes I have found along the way…

Okay enough..I have a love affair…with memes! MsMolly out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Looking forward, looking back I’ve come a long way down the track Got a long way left to go”

My Uncle and Aunt came for a visit a few weeks ago. This is an odd occcurance as they live quite a few states away, and I cannot recall them coming here before. Usually we would meet somewhere in the middle family reunion style. Their son was looking at a University near by  as he is so successful they are courting him. He just happens to be uber successful in his line of work. He is currently on vacation with his wife in Hawaii…

As you know growing up in a family back stories come out when you get older or when they go through something simliar. My Uncle, I found out during my separation, was an alcoholic. His wife did the ultimatum of the booze or me. He choose her. It has not been easy but they made it. Keep in mind I am paraphrasing third party information. I have seen them though. They by all outward appearances have made it through. Their kids are both amazingly grounded and successful. The son they had here got four crazy kids to meditiate for over an hour!

I take all this in now that we are in settlement process of our divorce. My family is broken. Neither of us want to be with eachother, but we may always be the one that you look back on and wonder. It is odd doing drop offs when it is all so weird.

It is accurate to say our levels of friendship had a….passionate…tone. It had a hint of promise of what could be. A bit of ride or die..Well the ride just got real awkward.

So yeah. There I done went and awkwarded this too.

Back on point now. There is also the case of my Grandparents.

When I was an awkward teenager my grandmother called while she was intoxicated and said I reminded her of herself. This because of some…complicated family things…struck a bad cord to me. I do not think I ever got over it until she had passed away. This fueled my teenage mind to avoid alcohol, and that among other things still holds true. I did not make good relationship choices. That was not alcohol though!

In the same theme of family secrets I found things that lead to my grandparents divorce. It was a good thing. The only bad thing was that it did not happen sooner for their kids. I married a man like my grandfather. This has a good and bad side. That person that I heard stories about was changed by the time I met him. He was amazing. He left an amazing imprint on me. I did end up like my grandmother though, just in a very different time, in a very different way. The good point for me is that my grandparents always loved eachother. My grandmother and her long-term boyfriend bought my gramdfathers old house when he moved from his neighboring town into ours. He grieved her when she died. That is not to say they did not live very different lives. I cannot recall them ever living in the same city again, they spent many years in different states.

Why walk down these old paths? I faced a similiar situation and picked one of them. It does not mean that I do not look on my version of what the other side would be like. I took my path though. I am honestly looking forward to onward and upward (see the post that will come in five day written a month or more ago). When I see someone who “made it” it still makes me a bit sad. I just need to keep looking forward.

“Looking Forward Looking Back”

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

Making sense of what I’ve seen
All the love we’ve had between
You and I, along the track
Looking forward, looking back

There are strange days
Full of change on the way
But we’ll be fine, unlike some
I’ll be leaning forward, to see what’s coming

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know

If I’m alone at night, I can see
Through all the triviality
Of the day and I’m okay
I just think of those who are dear to me

Looking forward, looking back
I’ve come a long way down the track
Got a long way left to go
Making songs, from what I know
Making songs, from what I know
Looking forward, looking back…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh I have a lot to say….Cause everything inside, it never comes out right

This week my social life has blown up. This should make me happy. This was everything I had asked for, everything I wanted. I could not handle what happened with my life I ran. I ran as fast and as far as possible. I ran into a new life and have successfully transitioned to the point where I am not wanting to go back to my old life. My old life is dead. I helped kill it. Who took the final blow is up in the air. I am sure different people would say different things. The truth is we both did it. It has been a year now and that changes everything, it changes who we are as people now.

I would not fit into my old life. All the things that made us fit are not there. The trust is destroyed. But still as my social life is exploding I find myself thinking back to before I was just his “old lady”. I go back in time before ten years, a marriage and two kids. When I was just a girl. I really enjoyed it before I learned what a secure life felt like, stability.

Going back ten years I hurt a lot of poeple. Most of the guys I dated were just play toys for one purpose or another. Never the one they wanted though. It was companionship, boredom or just wanting to pretend someone is there for me (even if the moment is temporary). Like a junkie looking for a fix. There were very little emotions and at times none. I had to turn a switch in my head to not care before that.

I have switched it again. Now I am here again. With a trail of hurt behind me and in me. This time I did not come out unscathed. This time I see what happened in a very personal way. I see the way we both pressed self destruct, then the come back button until there was a bit too much destruction to heal.

I use people. I use people or my own whatever or simply because I hate letting poeple down. Either way I find that people get attached…the more they do the more I run away. I cannot handle how they deal with it all.

My high school ex boyfriend for example. I dated him because everyone else on our soccer team was paired up and I was bored. He was fun. I enjoyed our time but I could not be myself. I would ask if I did this would you still like me and he said no…but oops I did that the week before. I told him not to fall for me. He did. The timing sucked for his personal life bit it scared me because I did not want to hurt him, but I did. So I ran. I hurt not only him but his family. So I did the only reasonable thing, I shut that off and moved on. The same thing I am doing now. It is still  there though..it is radiating around and around. I see it now in my kids faces when they ask for their Dad. When the oldest talks about doing a family costume next year, the four of us. When she draws family pictures, of the four of us. I can’t just walk away. They pull me back. When I see other guys and think about what I left, for the crazy world of not knowing. For the risks of dating as a single mom. For my kids getting hurt when a parental romantic relationship breaks up, or worse for them does not. When my oldest wants to talk about our family and now there are two other people around instead. This is complicated. It seems like it would have been easier to stay.

Maybe it is fear of what is ahead..maybe it is genuine regret. Right now I have to decide whether I close off or keep moving while feeling. Right now completed closed off sounds nice, but I get weekly reminds of my past. It will always be here because there are two beautiful babies. There will always be the glimps of what was, and what can never be. Possibly what should or should not have been. The what ifs will get you every time.

Maybe this is spot on, or really wrong. Now I will close with the lyrics of Sorry by  Buckcherry with a few edited things…

Sorry

Buckcherry

Oh I have a lot to say
I was thinking on my time away
I miss you and things (aren’t) the same
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry (we’re) bad
I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you make(made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

This time, I think I’m(more) to blame
It’s (too easy) to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

Every single day
I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you(we) cried
It (is) too late to make it right
Oh yeah, sorry!
I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know (we) can’t take it back
I love(d) how you kiss
I love(d) all your sounds
Baby the way you (made) my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry
I’m sorry baby
I’m sorry baby
Yeah, I’m sorry.

https://youtu.be/YlDz-hRlLBQ