e This song is about love or sex…but tonight it is about life paths.
I like rules, I like order. I like knowing what I should be doing. If I had a map to life it would be boring but so nice right now. Life does not come with a map though. I am kind of over that though.
Lets be real. If life handed me a map and rule book, I would have said ‘screw you’. I would have done it my way because ‘you can’t tell me what to do’. Aren’t we all so ironic. I say we all because I know I am not the only one sitting in this camp. Is it a grass is always greener thing? I am not sure.
I feel like I am floundering here jumping from one pool to another. Maybe this water is right, no maybe this one. Then back to the first.
The most ironic part is that I am loyal, like to a T. If you were my friend ten years ago, we have not talked in seven, and you need me…just call me! I have been in love with the same guy since I was 19, and he was the first guy I was REALLY attracted to in high school. If you have read any of my past blogs you know it is not always a walk in the park.
Even now he has his stuff, I have mine…and we are in the stage where kids get in the way of other activities. We have not had a real date in seven years. It does not mean that we were not committed or enjoying eachother, it is simply oppertunity. In the past a movie after the kids finally went to sleep had to do. Then there were the years my youngest was a baby. We slept in shift because he worked in the morning and she did not sleep until very early in the morning. I stayed up all night, he woke up at something AM and it was my turn. Two ships passing off the cargo in the night.
Honestly, our split was not so surprising due to stress and no give. We were stretched to the brnk and it broke us both. I am not blaming my youngest, never. She is a light in my life. It was simply a factor that got put on the top of the pile. The pile we had been working on since we were 19.
I digress. I was talking about LOYALTY.
We went through some crap, and I stayed. I left because the kids did not need to be around him that way. Dad needed to be a good guy, eventually they would have seen stuff. They did not need to see more stuff. The day I packed my youngest was playing on her sitting push car happily. I preserve that memory in a sad/happy space. She never realized the unhappy moments. She was too young. That moment was why I left. The night before too.
It was not lack of love, but the ultimate show of it. I am sure he did not realize that then, I do not know about now. I was hoping that he was going to hit the bottom and get better. I was not throwing in any towels. The rest is what it is.
I mean I had a great guy, who showed me what its like to wait for you to be ready. To make you feel worth it. He is in fact the next greatest fling in my life. No one really knows though. My husband and few others do. It is not a public knowledge thing, nor my finest moment. He still has a ‘box’ in my closet though. Part of me hopes he finds this and understands what I could not say to him. It was me. I was otherwise committed in my heart. The lines got blurred for me but I could never jump over that line. I was married legally…and I could not forget that. LOYALTY. Until that legality was cut off, I was stuck. We never got there though.
I went into a limbo of what do I want to do and I did not want to make any big decisions…so I was married. He was off doing his thing but I could not. LOYALTY.
It is not just to him I was loyal to every job I have held.
BUT what happens when you have no place to put it?
I am looking for a home to place it. I want a place that will be loyal to me as well as me to it. A place where I am making a difference. I just do not know what that looks like.
Watching Private Practice does not help. A family of doctors. There for eachother. Does that exist in real life? I can only have faith that it does. Until then I am holding on by a thread…good thing God is my safety net.
Good thing God is more loyal to me (and you) than I could ever be to anything or anyone (including Him). He is a good strong hold because oh boy am I weak.
Lyrics
SHOTS IN THE DARK
TRIPPIE REDD
Yeah, yeah
Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark
Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark
You’ll always be on the same shit, and I know
Bag full of wishes, but they seem to never work
It’s crazy how fast you went from sweet to so cold
And now it’s ’bout that time that I should really let it go
But I’ll be back again, you’re my medicine
I can’t go a day without that feeling and you know
Feelings rolling in, back to feeling dead
Hard to understand it, but I’ll never let you go
It’s a twisted love (ooh-ooh)
Nothing here could save me
Don’t feel right without you (ooh-ooh)
Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark
Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark
You use to say you’re in love
But you’re not, and that’s okay
You’re never playing fair with your heart
Shawty my Mona Lisa, love all of her features, yeah (beautiful)
She a fine work of art
I completely understand that you’re mine after dark
Know your mind, body, and soul ain’t ready for the love scars
This Hennessy been liquid gold and it’s cripped a broken heart
Tryna find your love again, yeah
It’s a twisted love (Ooh-ooh)
Nothing here could save me
Don’t feel right without you
Girl, you’re leaving me scarred (scarred)
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark
Girl, you’re leaving me scarred
Tears fall, it’s hitting me hard (hard)
Bricks weighing down on my heart
Got me on edge
Didn’t get the message at all
Now I’m taking shots in the dark
MsMollyC 